【赏析者】（姓名）
So there you have it—four possible ways to give first aid to a child in distress: by listening with full attention, by acknowledging his feelings with a word, by giving a name to his feelings, and by granting him his wishes in fantasy.
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But more important than any words we use is our attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child’s heart.
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Of the four skills you’ve just seen illustrated, perhaps the most difficult is to have to listen to a child’s emotional outpourings and then “give a name to the feeling.” It takes practice and concentration to be able to look into and beyond what a child says in order to identify what he or she might be feeling. Yet it’s important that we give our children a vocabulary for their inner reality. Once they have the words for what they’re experiencing, they can begin to help themselves.
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This next exercise has a list of six statements that a child might make to her parents. Please read each statement and figure out:
1. A word or two that describe what the child might be feeling.
2. A statement you might make to the child to show you understand the feeling.
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ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS
EXAMPLE:
The child says "The bus driver yelled at me and everybody laughed."
A word that describes what he or she might be feeling: Embarrassment
Use the word in a statement that shows you understand the feeling. (Don't question or give aadvice: That must have been embarrassing (or) Sound as if that was embarrassing.
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1. The child says “I'd like to punch that Michael in the nose!”
A word that describes what he or she might be feeling:
Use the word in a statement that shows you understand the feeling. (Don't question or give a advice):
2. The child says "Just because of a little rain my teacher said we couldn't go on our field trip. She's dump."
A word that describes what he or she might be feeling:
Use the word in a statement that shows you understand the feeling. (Don't question or give a advice:
3. The child says "Mary invited me to her party, but I don't know..."
A word that describes what he or she might be feeling:
Use the word in a statement that shows you understand the feeling. (Don't question or give a advice:
4. The child says "I don't know why teachers have to load you down with so much homework over the weekend."
A word that describes what he or she might be feeling:
Use the word in a statement that shows you understand the feeling. (Don't question or give a advice:
5. The child says "We had basketball practice today and I couldn't sink that ball once."
A word that describes what he or she might be feeling:
Use the word in a statement that shows you understand the feeling. (Don't question or give a advice:
6. The child says "Janey is moving away and she's my best friend."
A word that describes what he or she might be feeling:
Use the word in a statement that shows you understand the feeling. (Don't question or give a advice:
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Did you notice how much thought and effort it takes to let a child know you have a sense of what it is he or she might be feeling? For most of us it doesn’t come naturally to say things like:
“Boy, you sound angry!” or
“That must have been a disappointment for you,” or
“Hmm. You seem to be having some doubts about going to that party,” or
“Sounds as if you really resent all that homework,” or
“Oh, that must have been so frustrating!” or
“To have a dear friend move away can be pretty upsetting.”
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And yet it’s statements like these that give children comfort and free them to begin to deal with their problems. (By the way, don’t worry about using words that are too big. The easiest way to learn a new word is to hear it used in context.)
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You may be thinking, “Well, in this exercise I was able to give an initial response that showed I understood—more or less. But where would the conversation go from there? How would I continue? Is it okay to give advice next?”
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Hold off on giving advice. I know how tempting it is to try to solve a child’s problem with an immediate solution:
“Ma, I’m tired.”
“Then lie down and rest.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Then eat something.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Then don’t eat.”
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