I acknowledge it is incredibly presumptuous and pretentious for me to compare myself to Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg, some of world’s smartest and richest men, but I’m going to do it anyway because I’m going to defend ostensibly one of the most irredeemable qualities of mine and I will need all the help I can get.
What I share in common with Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg is the INTJ personality, one of the 16 personality types in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). INTJ stands for Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging. INTJ indicates a person who is energized by time alone (Introverted), who focuses on ideas and concepts rather than facts and details (iNtuitive), who makes decisions based on logic and reason (Thinking) and who prefers to have conclusions and closures rather than being open-ended and comfortable with ambiguity (Judging).
Most of the characteristics of INTJs seem neutral (introverted, intuitive) or positive (logical). In fact, INTJs are sometimes referred to as Mastermind personalities because of their strategic, innovative way of thinking. No wonder many of the successful entrepreneurs and thinkers are INTJs. However, it is the last trait “J” (Judging) that frequently gets INTJs into trouble. INTJs excel in their intellect, their logic reasoning and their ideas, and they know it. Not only are they confident in their cognitive capabilities, they also have a tendency to make their confidence known – they tend to criticize a lot, coming off as picky, stubborn, argumentative, and sometimes even condescending. To make matters worse, as introverts, they are not the warm and fuzzy type. What they think of as rational debates are often perceived as nitpicking, being fastidious and judgmental.
I am certainly guilty as charged. I have heard feedback both in my career and my personal life that I seem detached (one of my college classmates told me jokingly – I’m sure he was only half joking – that in college I always walked with my head high oblivious to the people walking by me), or I am hypercritical and I should just relax and put less pressure on other people. Before you jump to the conclusion that I’m one of those annoying types, I would like to point out that female INTJs are the rarest of all personality types – only 0.8% of all women are INTJs – and because they do not conform to the traditional loving kind stereotypes, INTJ women suffer the most from such criticisms.
Yes, I am going to play the gender card here, because there is absolutely a double standard for a male boss who is highly demanding and is frequently an object of adulation because he strives for perfection and a tough female boss who does exactly the same, but will undoubtedly be labeled as a crazy bitch because she defies the conventional expectation of being a maternal and feminine leader. Just look at Hilary Clinton – she has disclosed publicly that she has INTJ tendencies. The complaints people have about her “unemotional, boring, nitpicking” are all positive traits we want from a politician: “level-headed, no drama, critical thinker”. We celebrate the diversity in men’s leadership styles (We can embrace the charismatic JFK as well as the brainy Obama), but when it comes to women, you have to be Oprah to be likable.
Gender bias aside, I would argue there is much to be appreciated about the “Judging” personality in an INTJ. First of all, “Judging” is not the same as judgmental. A more accurate word to use here would be critical – seeing the imperfection and the possibilities for improvement. Being judgmental, on the other hand, is to impose someone’s moral/ethical judgments on someone else’. You can be critical without being judgmental, without dogmatically believing it’s your way or the highway. While INTJs can be judgmental sometimes, most of the time they express criticism simply because they are highly astute. They have unique cognitive ability to break down complex issues to see the deficiency hidden behind the complexity. And seeing the gap between where we are now and where we can be is the 1st step to improvement. Without understanding and recognizing there is room for improvement, if everyone is satisfied with status quo, how could we improve? Where would innovation come from?
I would even go further to argue in some cases, being judgmental in addition to being critical is not only justified but the only right thing to do. While cultural relativism, the belief that a person's values and behaviors should be understood based on that person's own culture, and not be judged against the criteria of another, has a lot of merits, some people take it too far. There are certain fundamental moral truths that apply to everyone everywhere – It is wrong to kill innocents and abuse women. And we should be judgmental if someone commits these wrongs regardless of which culture he/she comes from or what upbringing he/she had. To be non judgmental here is a moral ambivalence and irresponsibility that should be condemned.
Secondly, far from the common misconception that INTJs are aloof and impersonable, INTJs give feedback because they care. Playing it safe and staying quiet are easy. Casual and superficial compliments are easy. Giving feedback is not easy: It takes courage and integrity and it’s a vulnerable thing to do. When we give feedback we risk hurting someone’s feelings. This is especially hard for INTJs because they are not very good at handling emotions, but they nevertheless take on this reluctant role of an honest adviser delivering the bitter but necessary medicine, because INTJs do not have a lot of friends but the ones they have, they treasure and pledge undying loyalty to. If INTJs think they are seeing their friends’ blind spots, they feel it’s absolutely important to share what they see in the spirit of enlightening and helping their friends, even at the risk of being misunderstood. Criticism is INTJs’ perverse way of expressing love and it takes those who truly understand INTJs to receive it the way it’s intended.
Last but not least, “Judging” is being optimistic. It is not just seeing the limitations, but also having the faith and confidence to believe in the potential. INTJs may appear to be stubborn, but deep down they are very much open-minded. They do not see the world and the people in it as they are but as the better versions they could be. They have a restless energy and drive towards optimization and continuous improvement. They don’t let it be, they make it better. They are not daunted or hampered by the challenges in front of them, they are excited by what lies ahead, the vision and pathway most people don’t see. And they are willing to do the hard work to get there. They don’t just live. They strive. They don’t settle for the mediocre. They aspire to be the extraordinary. They are life-long learners and seekers, relentlessly committed to self-improvement. And they enthusiastically invite others to join them in their journey – they see the glass half full and they take actions to fill the other half.
I’m not saying “Judging” is without faults. Judging inappropriately and excessively can cause a lot of harm to others and sadly to INTJs themselves – INTJs often feel misunderstood and isolated. But I also believe equipped with extraordinary cognitive perception, INTJs bear the responsibility to share their unique insights, their caring and their optimism. They just need to learn to do it effectively, constructively and in a nuanced manner.
My husband often asks me: why can’t you just let it go? Honey, my answer is unapologetically no, because I cannot unsee what I see, I cannot unhear what I hear, I cannot unthink what I think. Nor can I pretend I do not care, or I do not feel obliged to do something about it. I will continue to be a proud, critical, opinionated, and vocal female INTJ.
