是挺久没写心情日记了，之前感觉到自己好像完全把情感出口都寄托在这，还真的没啥感觉到自己已经自我封闭了好久好久，估计，我还是用回我的英文来写这些事情吧。

So i believe the question will be, what bring you here?

Yea, regarding this, i guess due to no one for me to talk, which is the 1st reason, thgs might sounds too negative or unnecessary to the people around me, which is the 2nd reason, hoping i could get some release n organize the things inside my brain, guess that shall be the 3rd reason.

The first thgs, what it means by friend and trust? It seems like I’m having a different definition compare with others. How to overcome the trauma when dealing with friend or ppl, that is another question. And now, i have figure out why I’m staying away from ppl, bcz there is some deep trauma hidden inside of my brain that would against anything or anyone when i have pushed to my limits. Personally, i was wishing to making friend with the people around me, with a good relations. Unfortunately, when all the relationship until a certain stage or levels, when the trauma expose, everything was burned and ended up i have nothing left with me. Regardless it is friendship, or relationship, which therefore in this case, i will not be able to even start a personal relationship without a proper friendship.

And my question now will be - how i can get rid of becoming the person that I didn’t wanted to when I’m dealing with problems? And how i could slowly get thru and walk thru my past trauma that hidden in the deepest self-constraint…? I guess i will leave it to my therapy on this question, with the step by step guidance.

Looking back to the past few days, one of the relationship is burned or at least i will say it is going backward, things happened, trauma taking control, things get worse, argument, aggressive, impulsiveness, resignation, and leaving myself hopeless and helpless… everything was looking so fine before it, management, promotion, making savings, ahead to another step in life, treadmill, own space, stepping into new businesses for new income… and out of sudden, it is just like a house finish building the structure but collapse in a second - tired, especially personally invested many time but ended up get into nothing… and of course, during that moment, many negative comments and energy, which making the situation worse. Surprisingly, i no longer asking for understanding, instead, I’m trying to digest everything by myself, carrying back myself to my own position by myself as well, will not b expecting anyone come and solve the problem for me anymore, it is just that, I got no idea how to overcome the trauma that being aggressive to others when I’m facing uncomfortable issue.

Anyhow, I understand one of the people is already cross-over some border, that is indirectly making me uncomfortable in some moment. I realize my blogging and writing during my past is more towards a vent, instead of a better self understanding, which resulted when I’m typing especially when I’m in my anger, it has became a very cruel and cold words in a very improper manner, and which is very rude and impolite… and indirectly making myself looks very bad impression to others when i’m handling problems. And i deeply understand this issue is not intended by myself personally, instead, the trauma is taken place and using the exact same method from what i have seen during my childhood and applied on my current life… Regardless, i shouldn’t be expecting other people to understand my trauma and the control of it, they did not past thru my childhood experience, they are not me either, and they shouldn’t understand my childhood life as well, it is gonna be too much for them to really be into that and it does not solve any existing problem that could make it better... I myself responsible for whatever have been done by myself, whether intended or non-intended, if the damage done by me, the responsible goes to me - especially for whatever happening in my life.

Hence, i understand trauma is not something that can be dealing with easily, it took a deep understanding to look back what is the unsolved that causing it left behind in the hidden space. That making it not feeling satisfied to move on and let go. This is something about deep understanding and deep healing path, either psychology, therapy, or a deep well proper mediation can only work out and do the job. I have tried the psychology with medicine, it could only make me calm during that moment of time, but it will not be able to solve it from the root of itself, it is just a temporary solution that looks like “Fixed” during that moment of time, therapy and talking session, it will be helpful as it dig on the thgs on how you feel towards the thgs, but it will required more time and if the budget is not allow, it will be quite savings burning or if the income is low, it will be quite a burden for a person to absorb the cost. On the next day after the chaos, i understand i will need to do a deep study and a deep cue n healing for myself on this, if I’m demanding a healthy relationship in my future - because a healthy relationship will not be able to happen if the trauma and aggressively keep happening… it will be either i study psychology, or i could study further in meditation to explore my mind and healing myself. Psychology sounds logic and science and good to study and knows, but does it seems really a promising healing method for me? It doesn’t seem like a promising thgs, bcz when a psychology level go intense, they will need the medicine to make it part of the therapy, and it might left of hidden pieces behind and could not be able to do self healing. Meditation looks much more connecting to myself, it contains energy study - that much of the person does not believe the existing of it, but it is something that I believing into. After the session i would not only be able to do self healing, i could helps others healing themselves as part of my side career as well. The picture looks more complete and helpful for my situation, and hopefully, it could really help out on my situation.

I understand my resignation letter has been sending out and I shouldn’t be irresponsible on the actions that done my me. In a professional manner, i shouldn’t be looking as “it is just one of the mistake that cause by my trauma or unintentionally doing the action just because of my depression or anxiety nor my anger issue”… With the trauma I’m having, i understand it is a very tough situation for me to be exist in a corporate environment, and i shouldn’t expecting everyone around me in a professional environment to accept the trauma I’m having with me that might cause some harsh words to them, and it is unfair for them to undertaking my harsh words when they just working peacefully. I’m still looking forward on what will be happening in the upcoming days, regardless I’m able to accept it or not… what to do? Words and reaction is from myself, i will have to bear the consequences on the thgs i done.

Aside, I’ve been searching the meditation class that could be the instructor after learning. Currently looking at a class with 23 days straight in Indonesia, it seems like a good idea for my current situation - to stay away from the current places for a while, to take a break on the thgs i have going thru in my mind, to learn something new and re-train my discipline during the break time and regain the energy and power, to heal my inner self, and eligible to be a instructor after the break time… It is just that, September is definitely too soon, October is ideal month that I’m looking at - it is just I’m not sure if the current job still continue, would they able to giving me this long of the leave for me to do so, as there is quite some events on-going during that time… November, i need to attend my MBA convocation, which i will not be able to make it for November time… December, i believe it will be too far and that would be a peak season for a hospitality industry - if, the job is still on-going…

I have been told to write down my thoughts, mayb, in my coming writing, i should start dig further on my trauma condition… meantime, it would be good if could start practicing meditation everyday…

Will stop here for now, i shall start carry on with my daily life and routine for today’s…