Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s 5 Love Styles
米兰教授和Kay Yerkovich所研究的5种恋爱类型
Although it is a conscious effort and choice on our part in becoming the people we strive to be, it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent. How we choose to react to different situations and the way we express ourselves are behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a very young age when we first began to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment. Marriage and family counselors Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing.
虽然在我们可以在努力成为我们想成为的人方面有有意识的努力和选择，毫无疑问我们的童年在一定程度上塑造了我们。我们如何选择对不同环境的反应还有我们表达自己的方式是我们在很小的时候就形成的行为方式，那个时候我们刚开始学习理解我们的即时环境。婚姻和家庭咨询师米兰教授和Kay Yerkovich发现每个人都有一个基于他们教养环境的恋爱类型。
A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners. By understanding how we love, we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships.
一种恋爱类型是由我们对恋爱对象的反应倾向构成的。通过理解我们如何爱的，我们可以了解我们的恋爱类型对恋爱关系的影响。
- The Pleaser
讨好型
The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry critical parents. As children, pleasers do everything they can to “be good” and on their best behavior, so as not to provoke a negative response from their parent. Pleaser children don’t receive comfort. Instead, they spend their time and energy giving comfort to their reactive parents.
讨好型的人生活在一个父母过度保护，容易生气，爱挑剔的家庭里。作为讨好者的孩子做自己能做的一切去做“好孩子”，结果导致了父母消极的反应。讨好者孩子接受不到安慰，相反，他们花时间和精力去安慰他们被动的父母。
Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly. They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations. As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy. However, when pleasers feel stressed or that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a break down and flee from relationships.
讨好型的人在处理分歧和矛盾中是不舒服的，他们经常屈服或很快和好。他们不懂的拒绝别人，因为想把矛盾最小化。他们也可能为了避免困难和对峙而不真诚或和撒谎。当讨好型小孩成人之后，他们会读别人的心情确保每个人都开心。但是当讨好型的人感觉到压力或让人失望时，他们可能会崩溃或者从关系中逃离。
In the past, I have dated a pleaser. He grew up being the perfect role model in school, earned the academic title of being valedictorian, and went to two Ivy League schools both for his undergraduate and graduate studies. While it seems like someone like him is well put together and has it all figured out, I noticed that he was painfully uncomfortable with conflict. Instead of talking about what bothered him, he would ignore me for days without any warning and often saw problems as the end of something, rather than wanting to work them out. He cared more about the opinions of his close friends and family members that it seemed like he was at a total loss when I asked him what his own personal opinions were.
曾经，我和一个讨好型的人约会。他是学校的模范学生，是优秀毕业生代表，因为出色的本科和研究生学业去了两个常春藤学校。尽管看起来他这样的人很干练和也活得明白，但我发现他面对冲突时极度痛苦。他不说因为什么而烦恼，反而会没有警告地忽略我好几天，而且经常把问题看成结果，却不想着解决问题。他太在意好朋友和家人的意见。当我问他自己的看法时，他完全不知所措。
Pleasers often spread themselves thin trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic. And instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves to build a strong independent self, they focus more on the needs and desires of others. In order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their own feelings, rather than what “should be” or what is expected of them.
讨好型的人尝试每件事对每个人都好，却一样也没弄好，因为不切实际。相对于为强壮的自我建立一个健康的边界，他们更专心于别人的需要和渴望。讨好型的人要想培养稳定的关系，他们需要对自己的感受诚实，而不是在乎什么“该做”或被期望做。
- The Victim
受害型
The victim often grows up in a chaotic home. Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive by putting less attention on themselves as much as possible so that they can stay under the radar. To deal with their angry violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet. Because being fully present is painful for them, victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers they face on a daily basis.
受害型的人常成长于一个聒噪的家里。他们为了低调行事，尽可能地不引人注意，能忍受抱怨。他们在好爱生气的父母相处中，很早地学会了隐藏自己并安静下来。因为完全地展现自己对他们来说是痛苦的，受害型的人经常在头脑中创造一个想象的世界来面对日常生活的危险。
Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors they dealt with in their childhood home environment. Victims learn to cope by relying on compliancy and going with the flow. They are used to chaos and stressful situations so much that when they do experience calmness, it actually makes them feel uneasy as they anticipate for the next biggest blow-up. In order for victims to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they have to learn self-love and learn how to stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them.
受害型的人自尊感低，经常在焦虑和沮丧中挣扎。他们可能最终嫁给控制者型的人，因为他们在童年的家庭环境中展现相同的行为。受害型的人处理方法是顺从和顺其自然。他们习惯了嘈杂和压力型的环境，所以,当他们确实经历安静时刻的时候，他们会感到不安，像要准备下一个大爆发一样。受害型的人要想经营健康稳定的人际关系，他们不得不学会自爱，且当情况需要的时候，为自己发声，而不是完全让别人利用自己。
- The Controller
控制型
The controller usually grows up in a home where there wasn’t a sense of protection built, so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves. Controllers need to feel in control at all times to keep the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood from revealing in their adulthood. To these people, having control means protection from experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness.
控制型的人经常是成长在没有建立安全感的家里。所以他们学着自己变坚强和照顾自己。他们需要时刻感有控制一切的感觉，去防止他们童年时经历的脆弱重现。对这些人来说，控制力意味着对经历害怕，羞辱，和无助这些消极感觉时的保护。
Controllers don’t associate anger as being vulnerable, so they use it as a weapon to remain in power. Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones, because it makes them feel vulnerable and stripped of protection. Controllers prefer to solve problems on their own and like getting things done in a certain manner, otherwise they get angry. In order for controllers to form stable, long-lasting relationships, they need to learn how to let go, trust others, and keep their anger at bay.
控制型的人不把生气和脆弱联系起来，所以他们把生气用作权力的武器。控制型的人有严格的趋势，但是有时分散和不可预知。他们不喜欢迈出舒适区，因为害怕安全感的失去和脆弱感。控制型的人喜欢按照自己解决问题，而且用确定的方式，否则他们会伤心。控制型的人要想有稳定持续的人际关系，他们需要学会放手，学会信任别人，学会不生气。
- The Vacillator
纠结型
The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent. As children, vacillators learned that their needs aren’t their parent’s top priority. Without consistent affection from their parent, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment.
However, when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it. As vacillators enter adulthood, they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children. Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships, but once they feel let down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful.
Vacillators often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships. They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and know when people are pulling away. In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone first before committing too soon and getting hurt by their own expectations.
纠结型的人经常感到被误解，在人际关系中经历大量内心斗争和情感压力。他们会极度地敏感，这会让他们察觉别人哪怕极细微的变化，别人的离开也知道。纠结型的人要培养健康稳定的人际关系，需要知道怎么调整自己的速度，在急于付出之前先认清楚别人，不要被自己的期望伤害。
- The Avoider
回避型
The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance. As children, avoiders learned to take care of themselves starting at a very young age and put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their anxieties of having little comfort and nurturance from their parents. Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions. They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense emotional ups and downs. In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships, they need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly.
回避型的人长在不那么亲热的家里，家人重视独立和自立。在很小的时候，回避型的人学习照顾自己，为了处理因缺乏父母的安慰和抚育产生的焦虑，能够控制自己的情绪和需要。回避型的人倾向于拥有的自己空间，依赖逻辑和冷静而不是他们自己的感情。当周围的人有激烈情感的波动时，他们会感到不舒服。回避型的人要培养健康和持续的关系，需要学习打开心扉和诚实地表达自己的感情。
I’m currently dating an avoider and it’s actually going great. He learned a lot from his past relationship and did a lot of self-reflecting. As someone who has difficulty managing my emotions and letting them control so much of my life, he’s been teaching me how to monitor them and use all the negative intensity as learning experiences I can grow from. In return, I try to show him that it’s okay and essential to grow attached and be emotionally vulnerable.
