It was a rainy day. She was about to run downstairs-it was a habit of her to help her stay focused. but suddenly it rained. the raindrops was flying transversely cross the buildings just like arrows. 

what a dreary day!

She began to buy things. things that make her happy. she even bought a sex toy. she is nearly 26 years old this year—still a virgin. she has a boyfriend, and they have slept in a bed together for several times. He wanted to have sex with her, but she wouldn’t let him in. somehow, she would’t want to end the state as a virgin. she wants to be a child, like forever. 

After 2 hours, the shopper still hadn’t delivered the toy, and she cancelled the deal. she thought it ridiculous to spend 300 yuan on a sex toy which is no more useful than an electric toothbrush. besides, she has to hide it from her mother. 

She bought some milk powder, a cute bottle, a plain cup for drinking tea, and several pieces of tablecloth. whenever she feels unhappy or empty inside, she spends money.

Then she looked through the “moments”. She had closed the entry to it, for she didn’t want to spend much time on those people she didn’t careabout. but she did spend a lot of time repeatedly checking the two or three people’s moments: let’s call them Peng, Vichlin, and Jack. 

Girls should remember this, if someone doesn’t call or send a message to you, that at least means that he is not that into you. there is a chance he likes you, but that’s it. if you really likes him, you should either take a step forward or become better so that he will come to you. but those cream of the crop is really hot demand. 

By the way, how can one define affection? She watched a short cartoon, in which the master said “affection is a feeling that you want to stay with that particular person, whenever you think of him. She thought then she does have an affection towards her boyfriend. But the other day, she read a book and got the idea that, to fall in love is to admire the merits of each other, but to marry, means to have to bear the shortcomings of each other. So every time when he asked her "when would you marry me?" She would firmly reply "I don't want to get married."

It's not completely because he is poor. She wants to lead a free life. Free from the trifles of life, and fly---so he'd better be brave enough, and romantic enough, so they can play merrily in the playground of life together.

Her boyfriend, though a nice laid, is dull, to some degree. So why should I stay with him? She thought. I like his honesty and modesty, but those I can find in someone else, too. He is good to me, but that's because I am good enough, I worth it. Besides, what if one day, he gets bored of me and doesn't treat me that good?

So she browsed through their moments.

Jack posted a new article. He wrote about how people should deal with the booming knowledge in the information era. To her understanding, he wants to express: "read less, think more. And learn what you really want to learn. Don't be led by all kinds of fascinating titles like "learn Chinese history in five minutes." " She totally agree with him. In fact, she was about to write an article and post it on her own WeChat public account. By the end of the day, she just wrote a diary. Anyway, something is better than nothing.

Another reason she didn't want to browse the moments is that it always stressed her to find that many of her friends are doing better than her. Maggie, her undergraduate friend, is doing a PHD degree in America. Joy, her buddy, got an offer from China Daily in Beijing. She found a Beijing boyfriend and is about to settle down there. Julie doesn't like Beijing. But China Daily--that's one of her dream. It's impossible to stay completely happy without a little envy towards her best friend. And, many of her high school classmates went abroad in different works of life--engineering,aeronautical and space technologies，accounting…and some of the subjects she doesn't know. But after 4 years, she is still a junior middle school teacher. The only way to impress them is to post several tourist pictures during summer or winter vacation. However, many of her classmates have already been to all those places she wants to go--America, Turkey, Europe…so what's the meaning of it?

Talking about "meaning", she recently realized that the meaning of life is closely related to the ones you love. If you don’t even have someone to love, then life is meaningless to you. The more you love someone, the more meaningful is your efforts.

She hope that one day, she can again feel hopeful and meaningful, for she's finally got someone she loves. So she has to either search again, or try hard to love in love deeply with her boyfriend.

On Monday, everything changed. She got a message from Bruce. "honey, I lost my father last night. I asked for several days' leave and went home."

She stood aghast. And her eyes were red immediately. How could that be? Last week he went back, just telling her that his father was not feeling well. How could that happen that he suddenly passed away?!

She adjusted her schedule and rushed his home. She just wanted to be with him. She wanted to give him a hug, and hold his hands, tell him that don't be so sad, that he still has her.

"You are my hope, my inner strength" he told her. And she was moved to tears.

When she got there, it was nearlynine o'clock. He went to the train station to pick her up.

Strangely, he was not as sad as she thought. He even laughed a lot with his cousins. Before getting home, they stopped by and he bought a box of yoghourt for her to bring home.

The coffin of his father was placed right in the first floor of their house. A dead body, she thought, I had never seen one so close to her. She didn't dare to look at the body carefully. But she was not afraid. His relatives asked her to have a meal together. They set a table in the yard--not quite a yard, but a vacant place outside of the door. There was no lamp, and they found a headlight. She heard people talking, but she pretended she didn't understand.

He was busy as a bee. When they finally got a chance to stay by themselves, he said, " I've asked you several times but you wouldn't come. I never expected this would be the first time you visit my dad." she saw his eyes were red, and hugged him gently. She didn't know what to say. 

The first night, he had to hold awake for his father. She wanted to stay with him, butat 12 o'clockshe went sleep with his cousin.

The second day was the funeral. In the countryside, most people expect nothing but a decent funeral. A troupe was brought into their house to lament the dead. She could do nothing but stare at those neighbors and relatives. She knew no one and didn't want to know anyone.

However, after getting back home, she started to feel wrong. How come, she knew nothing about his father's illness until he died? He had hided that from her for a long time, but how could he do this to her? Yes, she wouldn't even start the relationship if he told her at the very beginning, but she thought she deserves to know everything! So that really ruffled her feathers!

The next day, she went for a walk with her mother. Mom didn’t want them together. She thought he was poor and, he just lost a parent, which means Julie has to take care of his mother when she is old. Julie doesn't want to, of course. Besides, mom was afraid that he might got some inherited disease from his dad. His family was not harmonious. His mother blamed his father for taking her to a quack, which caused her to lose an eye. Julie is afraid that he may be affected by the atmosphere.

At first, she thought he is flawless in character. But now she finally realized, she was kept in the dark by him for a long long time. He must be too afraid of losing her. But that made her very upset. When she got home, she burst into tears, because she got a feeling that everything has changed. There is an invisible veil between them. She felt entangled and extreme pain at the thought of breaking up with him.

To love someone, is really exhausting.

2018.10.13

Today is her ex-boy friend's birthday. She has been longing for that day and picturing what might happen for a long time, like a few month. Maybe he will tell me, she thought, today is my birthday, can you fulfill my single wish today? What wish? She would ask.

"Get back to me." He would say.

And then? Should I really get back to him? He is now busier. Lately he asked Julie to teach him English. Of course Julie refused. She thought they should never meet again, or meet officially again. Why? Subconsciously she believed they are not the same kind of people. They are from different planet. If they should be together, it could get quite annoyed. So it's not necessary to meet.

But when his birthday comes, she felt nervous. Should I tell him happy birthday? She texted that in the dialogue box, but she dared not send it out. Maybe I should waituntil noonso that it won't seem that I am too eager to tell him that.

After lunch, she went to the balcony. Watching the hamsters, she felt jealous. They just eat and sleep and bath themselves. Those are all they have to do. But human beings are so different. They have emotions. They feel happy, but most of the times, grief.

If I never met him before, I wouldn't be so sad. Now I want to sing him a happy birthday, but that would make me an idiot. Instead, I text simply: happy birthday.

And he replied, thank you, miss Julie.

That's quite official. And from that moment on, I know we are going to be completely strangers. Then why should I keep him in touch? Why don't delete him out from my life? Maybe I just want to revenge. After 10 or 20 years, we will have our own families. I will show him how happy I am, how charming I will be at that time, and what a good girl I am throughout all my life. I shall make him regret, for not coming back.

No no no, actually, he had made his own effort. It is me that don't want to get back. Why should I punish him? He is so kind a guy. I hope he could be happy.

So maybe I should let him go?