It’s the curse of our generation. I feel like i need to fill every last minute of my day with productive activity, or i go into a death spiral of shame for not maximizing my output, which i’ve of course tied to my self-worth. I’ve set up the false dichotomy of productivity and laziness, so for every second i don’t strive to accomplish, i fear i will slip into ruin.

On the other hand, i know it’s in what i call the void, those times when i’m doing nothing and my mind is open rather than stuck in a task-mastering tunnel vision, that my best ideas arise.

This is known as the shower principle, which i suspect is because our few minutes of showering each morning is the only time we don’t redirect our full attention to something or someone else, which makes me a bit sad to consider.

I strive to fill the void with my hopes, dreams, and fantasies. It should be a place where i dont care if my mind goes in weird, unheard-of directions. It is vulnerable and uncomfortable, bringing to the surface all the wonderings that i push out of my mind throughout the rest of the day to focus on more important things.

I can fill the void in so many insidious ways. Although i have prided myself on not succumbing to hours of Netflix binge-watching or Instagram scrolling(most of the time), i have replaced this with compulsive book-reading(Medium-reading) or email-checking. I congratulate myself for filling my time in such a wholsesome, productive way, which only reinforces these habits.

And when my hands fail to provide distraction, my mind itself fills the void with tis own junck. It will start with what it thinks is most useful : keeping track of the bills that’ve paid, mulling over a conversation with someone, or calculating how long it’s been since i last called my parents, before devolving into even less relevant topics.

There are things that don’t need to live in my brain, i’ve thought about them so much that they’rre at the top of the metaphorical junk mail pile. I know it’s gotten bad when even my dreams are about mundane things, like forgetting do some semi-important task, and i wake up in a cold sweat.

Embracing idlenss isnt a new idea. There are plenty of people already extolling hte importance of meditation, boredom, and aimlessness, often citing a scientific study in which people would ranther shock themselves than be alone with their thoughts.

But they don’t anser the most important question: what’s the solution to all of this ? in my case , i am so adept at self-distraction that i have to actively cultivate the void. Not to mention, there are few places in mordern society where i can do so with little temptation

The most experience i had with the void was during a summer internship in rural New England. With no friends and no car, i spent much of my free time wondering what to do next after forcing myself to eliminate the worst of my distractions. I rarely had any pending tasks or events to attend and felt uncomfortable about the amount of time on my hands when i wasnt always rushing somewhere.

The thoughts and feelings that welled up in the void were so powerful that they nearly swallowed me whole. They brought unprocessed past events and insecurities to the surface, making me restless and anxious.

I felt my world come crashing down, ending my longest relationship and beginning ot doubt my areer path. Dreams of travel and writing rooted themselves more firmly in my heart. I undid a lot my former thought patterns and altered my goals and values. I began to see the world differently

I know i would not be onthe path i am today without that mental and emotional gutting, but it took a lot of angushi to get here. On the other hand , if i had followed the dopamine reward of constant productivity , i may have accomplished a lot on a path less well-suited for me.

That’s all well and good, but let’s not forget i was forced to experience the void and have since failed to recreate sthis loosely scheduled lifestyle. Back then i had burdened myself with fewer goals and responsibilities, so there were fewer things i would miss out on by doing nothing. And who would chooes to experience disconfort if they dont have to?

The only potential solution i can offer to fellow type-As is this : you may have to schedule your time in the void, starting in small enough increments so that you dont spiral into a full-fledged panic from the inactivity. I may seem conterintuitive to formally create a space for it, but on the other hand, leaving the time slot open means it will be quickly filled by either a commiment or a distraction.

There are also a few natural places to cultivate it, such as in waiting rooms or on the train. Of course, it takes great mental fortitude to not pull out my phone., the near universal source of distractions, at these times.

But the void is not useful if it’s just daydreaming not followed by action. As long as my stories and fantasies have stayed in my ead, they have never manifested themselves in my life. The moment i write them down, begin to flesh them out, or creat a plan for accomplishing them, they become moe and more real by degrees.

But the most important reason for experiencing the void is not that it results in better ideas or better work. That’s only my accomplishment-focused mind speaking. I value it because it shows me who i truly am, who i could become, if only i stopped for a few minutes and listened to myself.

Ana Dean - Medium