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8. If I accept all of my child’s feelings, won’t that give him the idea that anything he does is all right with me? I don’t want to be a permissive parent.
We too worried about being permissive. But gradually we began to realize that this approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted. For example, “I can see that you’re having fun making designs in the butter with your fork.”
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But that doesn’t mean that you have to permit a child to behave in a way that’s unacceptable to you. As you remove the butter, you can also let the young “artist” know that “Butter is not for playing with. If you want to make designs, you can use your clay.”
We found that when we accepted our children’s feelings they were more able to accept the limits we set for them.
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9. What is the objection to giving children advice when they have a problem?
When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.
Is there ever a time for advice? Certainly.
For a more detailed discussion of when and how to give advice, see “More About Advice” on page 164 to 166.
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10. Is there anything you can do if you realize afterward that you’ve given your child an unhelpful response? Yesterday my daughter came home from school very upset. She wanted to tell me about how some kids picked on her in the playground. I was tired and preoccupied, and so I brushed her off and told her to stop crying, that it wasn’t the end of the world. She looked very unhappy and went up to her room. I know I made her feel worse, but what can I do now?
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Every time a parent says to himself, “I wish I hadn’t said that. Why didn’t I think to say . . . ,” he automatically gets another chance. Life with children is open-ended. There’s always another opportunity—later in the hour, day, or week—to say, “I’ve been thinking about what you told me before, about those kids teasing you at the playground. And I realize now how upsetting that must have been for you.”
Compassion is always appreciated, whether it comes sooner or later.
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Cautions
I. Children usually object when their exact words are repeated back to them.
Example:
CHILD: I don’t like David anymore.
PARENT: You don’t like David anymore.
CHILD: (with annoyance) That’s what I just said.
This child might have preferred a less parrotlike response, such as:
“Something about David bothers you.”
OR
“Sounds as if you’re really annoyed with him.”
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II. There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they’re upset. For them, Mom or Dad’s presence is comfort enough.
One mother told us about walking into the living room and seeing her ten-year-old daughter slumped on the sofa with tear-stained eyes. The mother sat down beside her daughter, put her arms around her, murmured, “Something happened,” and sat silently with her for five minutes. Finally, her daughter sighed and said, “Thanks, Mom. I’m better now.” The mother never did find out what happened. All she knew was that her comforting presence must have been helpful, because an hour later she heard her daughter humming to herself in her room.
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III. Some children become irritated when they express an intense emotion and their parent’s response is “correct” but cool.
A teenager in one of our workshops told us that she came home one afternoon in a rage because her best friend had betrayed a very personal secret. She told her mother what had happened, and very matter-of-factly her mother commented, “You’re angry.” The girl said she couldn’t help snapping back with a sarcastic, “No kidding.”
We asked her what she would have liked her mother to say. She thought awhile and answered, “It wasn’t the words; it was how she said it. It was as if she was talking about the feelings of someone she didn’t even care about. I guess I wanted her to show me that she was right in there with me. If she had just said something like ‘Boy, Cindy, you must be furious at her!’ then I would have felt she understood.”
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