——译自詹娜·刘在SELF杂志上刊登的文章《We Asked 13 People What Finally Helped Them Get Over a Bad Breakup》，原文附在最后
我在高中时经历过一次痛苦的分手。
那时的我和其他人一样，一心期盼着身边能出现一位守护天使，告诉我如何从失恋中走出来。遗憾的是，听到的却都是一些善意、但毫无用处的陈词滥调：“一切都会好起来的”、“天意如此，不是谁的错”、“时间会抚平一切”之类的话——或许有其道理，但无法给人带来任何慰藉。
最后，真正疗愈我内心伤痛的良药来自于朋友们的鼓励。他们有过相似经历、可以与我共情。他们给了我信心，让我觉得自己也可以和他们一样从痛苦中走出来。
或许你也正面临着一段关系的结束，无论你们是夫妻或情侣，有一件事是需要铭记在心的：没人能够瞬间走出伤痛，而生活终将继续。我们必须找到自己的方式来克服暂时的痛苦。这也是我筹划这次主题采访的原因。
在采访中，情感心理学家妮露·达达什蒂博士告诉我，纾解痛苦情绪的方法或许并没有那么困难——去和朋友们聊聊，听听他们的人生经验，你会明白自己其实并不孤单。
遵循这个想法，我完成了对这13位受访者的采访，关于他们如何结束一段恋情、如何摆脱失恋期的孤独和痛苦、如何对找回面对未来生活的信心。希望他们的回答能为其他读者带来帮助。
（1）爱惜自己，关注身体健康
“分手后的几个星期，我陷入了死循环。整日躺在床上，不是哭，就是浅浅地眯一会儿，醒来后接着哭，基本不吃什么东西，也不和任何人联系。此时我意识到这样透支自己的身体不过是在延长痛苦。因此我开始有意识地关注自己的健康状况，从一些小事做起，例如按时进餐、出门散散步，以及和朋友们恢复联络。我从此开始渐渐脱离泥淖。”
——阿娜尼娅·J
（2）最后和前任聊一次
“我的目的是想得到一些问题的答案，例如分手的原因、他们何时有了分手的想法、以及在交往时他们觉得我有哪些事情应该换一种做法，这让我不再疑惑，也不会自说自话。再之后，便果断分手，不再联络。”
——伊莎贝拉·A
（3）将自己的想法和感受写下来
“我开始写日记。持续性地将情感和思考诉诸文字可以排遣情绪，同时也迫使我思考自己的目标，这让我获得了更多向前看的动力。”
——丹尼尔·U
（4）找到最爱和最理解自己的人，和他们在一起
“在和前任交往时，我总是在思考‘我们’，甚至一度失去了自我。我的朋友和家人们帮我找回了自己。他们的支持让我忘记了那些不快的事情。当我特别孤独的时候，他们的陪伴和鼓励让我知道自己有所依赖。”
——泽维尔·F
（5）我从那些网络播主或Youtuber分享的失恋经历中获得解脱
“我知道这听起来有点假，不过在播客或Youtube上听听其他人的经验确实让我觉得好受了一些。具体来说，我关注了艾玛·张伯伦（一位网络播主）的频道：她每天都会分享相关的情感话题，包括她自己的恋爱交往经验，以及她是如何从失败的恋情中成长并重拾自信的。”
——艾莉森·T
（6）将分手视作重建人际关系的契机
“恋爱失败使我意识到自己之前并没有正确地梳理人际关系的次序。分手后我将朋友和重要的人们放在生活中更重要的位置上。”
——凯昂·W
（7）有意识地给自己留出伤感的时间
“但我不会让自己彻底沉浸在悲伤里。因此，我允许自己哭泣30分钟，然后告诉自己今天就到这里，然后去做别的事情。我也试过培养一些新的兴趣爱好，从中找回自我并收获快乐。”
——P·K
（8）学会摆脱前任在自己生活中留下的影子
“即使在幻想中前男友对我温柔有加、百依百顺，但我仍然清醒地知道这只是自欺欺人，仅能带来暂时的慰藉。在夜里我仍旧会感到心痛，而唯一能拯救我的只有自己。”
——卡特莉娜·A
（9）将怨忿和不快写下来
“写下来，在分手后重读一遍，提醒自己这就是这段感情结束的原因。”
——艾尔比·S
（10）尝试开始新的关系，越快越好
“分手后我很快就开始新的约会，但只是随便约约（出于礼貌，我会坦诚地将情况告知约会对象）。这些交往提醒了我一点：天涯何处无芳草，有些关系本就注定无法长久。”
——亚历珊德拉·W
（11）需要意识到，治愈感伤的过程是可能反复的
“自己的心情会好上几天，然后又变坏几天，这是很正常的。意识到这一点后，我觉得轻松了很多。情绪的反复并不会影响治愈的过程。”
——茱莉娅·F
（12）学会斩断前任在生活中留下的影子
“分手后，我努力尝试着将前男友在我生活中留下的痕迹打包清除。花时间和朋友们待在一起，沉浸在自己的爱好中（例如阅读和健身），我从中找回了自己并重新出发。”
——茱利安·S
（13）
“我提醒自己，无论现在感到多么绝望痛苦，一切都终将被时间治愈。因此当看到其他人遭遇到相似的事情时，我会告诉他们不要尝试去回避暂时的痛苦、悲伤和孤独，回避只会让这些负面情绪持续更长时间。”
——阿布里安娜·S
（全文完）
编辑：詹娜·刘
詹娜·刘是SELF驻纽约的生活方式作家。她的文章题材广泛，涵盖美容、心理健康、人际关系等诸多主题。她曾是《今日美国》的健康记者，并在乔治城大学获得心理学和新闻学学士学位。
（以下是原文）
We Asked 13 People What Finally Helped Them Get Over a Bad Breakup
Like most people going through a breakup, my high school self wanted nothing more than a guardian angel to tell me exactly how to get over a certain someone. Instead, I kept getting hit with well-meaning but entirely unhelpful clichés. “It’ll get better.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “Time heals all wounds.” These platitudes may hold some truth, but rarely did they make me feel any better. What did make a difference? Hearing the perspectives of friends who had walked in my very sad shoes - which reassured me that, like them, I would also be okay.
Whether you’re dealing with the end of a long-term partnership or a very real situationship, one thing is for certain: Every healing process is as unique as the person going through it, and there’s no quick fix for moving on. That said, knowing you’re not alone and hearing from other breakup survivors, can be a validating source of comfort, couples psychologist Niloo Dardashti, PhD, previously told SELF.
That’s exactly why we asked 13 people about the best thing they did (or learned) that helped them finally move on from their ex - to help you feel a little less isolated and a lot more hopeful for the future.
(1) I made a point to tend to my health.
“I saw myself go into a spiral for weeks after my breakup. I’d wake up and stay in bed all day either crying or taking short naps, barely eating, and avoiding interaction with anyone. However, I soon realized that not taking care of my body was just prolonging the recovery process. So I started being more intentional about tending to my health with the little things - like eating, going for walks, and reconnecting with friends - which helped me get out of the rut.”
- Ananya J.
(2) I had one last conversation with my ex.
“The point was to go over some final questions that I was comfortable hearing the answers to (like the reason for the breakup, how long they were feeling this way, and anything I could have done differently during our time together), so I wasn’t left wondering or coming to my own conclusions. Then, zero contact after that.”
- Isabella A.
(3) I wrote out my thoughts and feelings.
“I started keeping a journal. Consistently putting words on the page helped me process my feelings better, and it also forced me to come up with other ideas and goals for myself, which made it easier to move forward.”
- Daniel U.
(4) I surrounded myself with the people who understood and loved me most.
“In my relationship, I was so focused on the ‘we’ and ‘us’ that I sort of lost my individuality, so my friends and family helped me remember who I am. They lifted me up and took my mind off of things. When I felt really lonely, I knew I could lean on them for company and positive energy.”
- Xavier F.
(5) I found comfort in podcasters and YouTubers going through the same thing.
“I know it sounds cheesy, but hearing other people’s experiences on podcasts or YouTube helped a lot. More specifically, Anything Goes With Emma Chamberlain was my go-to: She talks about relatable everyday topics, including her personal relationships, while also explaining how she grew from her experiences and rebuilt her self-esteem.”
- Allison T.
(6) I reframed the breakup as an opportunity to nurture the other relationships in my life.
“The loss of my romantic relationship helped me realize that I wasn’t exactly prioritizing the other people in my circle, which allowed me to focus on strengthening my connections with friends and others I care about.”
- Keion W.
(7) I intentionally gave myself time to just…grieve.
“However, I made sure not to let the sadness govern my entire day. So 30 minutes of crying - then I’d say to myself, That’s it for today, and I’d move on. I also tried to occupy my time with new hobbies, like yoga, which helped me find myself (and what makes me happy) again.”
- P.K.
(8) I learned to find “closure” without them.
“Even if my ex were to tell me everything I wanted to hear, I realized that would only provide temporary comfort. At the end of the day, I was still going to be hurt regardless, and the only person who could get myself out of bed each day was me.”
- Katrina A.
(9) I wrote down a list of every red flag and bad memory.
“Then I reread it when I was missing my ex, to remind me that the relationship ended for a reason.”
- Alby S.
(10) I got back out there as soon as possible.
“I started dating shortly after my breakup, but only casually (which I communicated to my dates up front, out of respect). It served as a reminder that there are absolutely more fish in the sea and that some connections are only intended to be temporary.”
- Alexandra W.
(11) I reminded myself that healing doesn’t happen in a straight line.
“I felt reassured knowing that it’s okay (and normal) to feel totally fine one day and have a ‘setback’ a few days later. That doesn’t diminish your progress.”
- Julia F.
(12) I learned to separate my relationship from the rest of my identity.
“After my breakup, I actively took the time to unwrap my ex from who I am. Spending time with my friends and indulging in my favorite activities, like reading and exercising, helped me retain my sense of self and move on.”
- Julian S.
(13) I let myself feel the pain - and reassured myself it wouldn’t last forever.
“Even though it was really uncomfortable, I would remind myself that these negative feelings would pass with time - no matter how devastating my breakup seemed at that moment. So now I tell other people going through something similar: Don’t try to sidestep the temporary pain, sadness, or loneliness. It will only prolong your healing process.”
- Abriana S.
Editor: Jenna Ryu
Jenna Ryu is SELF's Lifestyle Writer based in New York, covering topics ranging from beauty to mental health to relationships. She previously was a Wellness Reporter at USA TODAY and received her BA in psychology and journalism at Georgetown University.
