译者序言

本篇为大卫·佩尔泽自传三部曲之第一部《“毛”孩子：一个勇于求生的小孩》第三章《坏蛋小子》，前两章内容请移步《破除内心成见山，我命由我不由天》和《一言难尽的家教》，译者底本为英国版本（Orion NON-FICTION/MEMOIR/UK £6.99）非小说类/自传文学/6.99英镑。

最近，我被简友鼓励多翻译，所以也就难免忍不住🤣响应大家的赞美，我承认，还是虚荣心作怪。这一本大卫的自传，又是我最爱的心理学的原生家庭创伤相关书籍，翻译起来格外得心应手。

其实，翻译马尔克斯的Memories of My Melancholy Whores还是蛮辛苦的，毕竟要翻译一位77岁老人的书，还是有点尴尬，毕竟，咱还达不到那种心态。但是，这本书完全没有这种心理阴影和负担，只要努力翻译就好了。第二章大约一万多字，我似乎也就花了三四个小时，就给它完成了。如果是马尔克斯的书，可能每次打磨都要十个小时，太费脑子了。

第一章名为“营救行动”，先讲结果，满足现代人追求结局的普遍心理；第二章被我命名为“美好时光”，运用倒叙手法，回顾最温情脉脉的家庭生活，也给读者设置了巨大的心理悬念，我们读者，也就有了继续读下去的信心和疑问，第三章，我决定用同样的四字词语，就给译成了“坏蛋小子”，英文叫Bad Boy，本章内容还是不少，译成结果估计有一万多字，闲话少叙，开始翻译游戏。

网络提供书籍封面‖如侵立删

第三章 坏蛋小子

Chapter 3  Bad Boy

My relationship with Mom drastically changed from discipline that developed into a kind of lifestyle that grew out of control❶. It became so bad at times, I had no strength to crawl away - even if it meant saving my life.

我和妈妈关系彻底改变，来自于纪律规训。最初只是一种生活方式，慢慢演变成失控。有时，关系降低到冰点，我又没力量逃离，甚至差点因此丧命。

As a small child, I probably had a voice that carried farther than others. I also had the unfortunate luck of getting caught at mischief, even though my brothers and I were often committing the same ‘crime'.

比起其他小孩，我的潜意识，可能有一个爸爸的声音。而且，我老是在恶作剧中，不幸地被抓。哪怕就是哥哥们和我犯了同样的错，他们总能幸运逃脱。

In the beginning, I was put in a corner of our bedroom. By this time, I had become afraid of Mom. Very afraid. I never asked her to let me come out. I would sit and wait for one of my brothers to come into our bedroom, and have him ask if David could come out now and play.

一开始，我藏在卧室一角。那时，我已经变得害怕妈妈，非常害怕。我都不敢从藏身之处出来，一直等到哥哥们，走进卧室，过来问我，大卫，要不要出去一起玩。

About this time, Mom's behavior began to change radically. At times while Father was away at work, she would spend the entire day lying on the couch, dressed only in her bathrobe, watching television.

这时，妈妈的行为彻底改变。有时，爸爸去上班后，妈妈花整天时间躺沙发，仅仅穿着睡衣，一直看电视。

Mom got up only to go to the bathroom, get another drink or heat leftover food. When she yelled at us, her voice changed from the nurturing mother to the wicked witch. Soon, the sound of Mother's voice began to send tremors down my spine.

只有上洗手间、喝水和热剩饭，妈妈才会起身。当她开始对我们歇斯底里时，尖叫声，让她从一个温柔妈妈，变成邪恶女巫。很快，妈妈的怒吼声，让我吓破了胆。

Even when she barked at one of my brothers, I'd run to hide in our room, hoping she would soon return to the couch, her drink and her TV show. After a while, I could determine what kind of day I was going to have by the way she dressed.

哪怕妈妈只是在对哥哥怒吼，我也吓得藏起来，期望她早点情绪稳定，回去躺着看电视。后来，我能根据她的装扮判断出，今天大概会是一个什么样的遭遇。

I would breathe a sigh of relief whenever I saw Mom come out of her room in a nice dress with her face made up. On these days she always came out with a smile.

当我看到妈妈从房间出来时，衣着光鲜，还化了妆，我深呼一口气，像是劫后余生。这样的日子，她一般都会面带笑容。

When Mother decided that the ‘corner treatment’ was no longer effective, I graduated to the ‘mirror treatment’. In the beginning, it was a no-notice form of punishment.

当妈妈决定🤣“蓬头露面”，敷衍一下时，我就逐渐成为她要处理掉的“镜面投射”。有时候，惩罚毫无来由。

Mother would simply grab me and smash my face against the mirror, smearing my tear- streaked face on the slick, reflective glass. Then she would order me to say over and over again, I'm a bad boy! I'm a bad boy! I'm a bad boy!'

妈妈会简单抓住我，面对镜子，对我掌掴，眼泪如条纹般，弄脏光滑的小脸，在镜玻璃反射下，闪闪发光。然后，妈妈逼迫我，对着镜子🪞，一遍遍地说：“我是个坏小子，是个坏小子，坏小子。”

I was then forced to stand, staring into the mirror. I would stand there with my hands locked to my sides, weaving back and forth, dreading the moment when the second set of television commercials aired.

我被迫站得僵直，凝视镜中的自己。我站在那，双手被锁在两边，在那恐惧时刻，第二套电视，正播放着广告片。

I knew Mother would soon be stomping down the hall to see if my face was still against the mirror, and to tell me what a sickening child I was.

我知道，妈妈很快🤣会踩着沉重步伐，走进大厅，检查我是否仍然对着镜子。而且，她会告诉我，我是个多么讨人厌的孩子。

Whenever my brothers came into the room while I was at the mirror, they would look at me, shrug their shoulders and continue to play - as if I were not there. At first I was jealous,but soon I learned that they were only trying to save their own skins.

每次哥哥们走进房间，我都在镜子前罚站，他们会看着我，耸耸肩，然后继续玩，当我不存在。起初，我会嫉妒他们，但是很快，我意识到，他们只不过在努力自保。

While Father was at work, Mother would often yell and scream while forcing my brothers and I to search the entire house for something she had lost. The quest usually started in the morning and lasted for hours.

当爸爸去工作，妈妈常常会尖叫着，迫使我们满屋子找她丢失的东西，一般这种要求发生在早晨，持续几个小时。

After a while, I was usually sent to search in the garage which was under part of the house - like a basement. Even there, I trembled upon hearing Mother scream at one of my brothers.

然而，不一会，我通常被带到地下车库去找东西，那个车库，很像地下室。哪怕在地下室，我仍然吓得瑟瑟发抖，因为我能听见，妈妈对两个哥哥尖叫怒骂的声音。

The searches continued for months, and finally, I was the only one singled out to look for her things. Once, I forgot what I was looking for. When I timidly asked her what it was that I was to find, Mother smacked me in the face.

“找东西”游戏，持续了几个月。最后，只剩我继续给她”找东西”。有一次，我忘了找什么。当我怯生生问她，我究竟要找什么，妈妈一巴掌呼过来。

She was lying on the couch at the time, and she didn't even stop watching her television show.Blood gushed from my nose and I began to cry. Mother snatched a napkin from her table, tore a piece and rammed it up my nose. ‘You know damn well what you're looking for!' she screamed.

当时，妈妈正躺在沙发上，她甚至继续看电视。鲜血从我的鼻孔，喷涌而出。她抓起桌上的餐巾纸，撕成长条，堵住我的鼻孔。她一边尖叫骂道：“你这该死的孩子，你想我拿你怎么办。”

‘Now go find it!' I scurried back down to the basement, making sure I made enough noise to convince Mother I was feverishly obeying her command. As Mother's ‘find the thing’became more common, I began to fantasize that I had found her missing item.

“现在，立刻给我去找！”我急匆匆去地下室，确保发出足够大的声响，让妈妈坚信，我狂热地遵从她的命令。随着妈妈把“找东西”游戏，变得正常化，我开始幻想，我已找到她丢失的东西。

I imagined myself marching upstairs with my prize and Mom greeting me with hugs and kisses. My fantasy included the family living happily ever after. But, I never found any of Mother's lost things, and she never let me forget that I was an incompetent loser.

我想象着，我在楼上被妈妈夸奖，她用拥抱和亲吻欢迎我。我甚至幻想，此后，我们又是幸福美满的一家人。但是，我从没找到过妈妈丢的东西，而且，妈妈一次次让我记住，我就是一个无能的懦夫。

As a small child, I realized Mom was as different as night and day when Father was home from work. When Mom fixed her hair and put on nice clothes, she seemed more relaxed, I loved it when Dad was home. It meant no beatings,mirror treatments or long searches for her missing things.

作为一个小孩，我意识到，妈妈白天和晚上的截然不同表现。当爸爸从上班回到家中，妈妈扎起头发，穿上漂亮衣服，看上去松弛感拉满。我喜欢爸爸在家时候的妈妈，因为这意味着不会挨打、照镜子侮辱，以及无休止的“找东西”游戏。

Father became my protector. Whenever he went to the garage to work on a project, I followed him. If he sat in his favorite chair to read the newspaper, I parked myself at his feet.

爸爸变成我的保护者。每当爸爸去车库开车上班时，我就跟着他。如果爸爸坐在他最爱的椅子上读报，我就停在他脚边。

In the evenings, after the dinner dishes were cleared from the table, Father would wash them, and I would dry. I knew that as long as I stayed by his side, no harm would come to me.

那些夜晚，晚餐后，爸爸把碗碟，从桌上拿下来清洗干净，我会把它们滤干。我知道，只要我待在爸爸身旁，我就不会受伤害。

One day before he left for work, I received a dreadful shock. After he said goodbye to Ron and Stan, he knelt down, held my shoulders tightly and told me to be a ‘good boy’. Mother stood behind him with her arms folded across her chest, and a grim smile on her face.

有一天，爸爸还没走，我受到了一次可怕的惊吓。然后，爸爸向哥哥罗恩和斯坦告别，他跪下抱紧我，然后说“做个好孩子”。妈妈站在他身后，搂着他的腰，面带微笑。

I looked into my father's eyes and knew right then that I was a ‘bad boy'. An ice-cold chill rushed through my body. I wanted to hold on to him and never let go, but before I could give Father a hug, he stood up, turned and walked out the door, without saying another word.

我看着爸爸的眼睛，并且知道我是个“坏孩子”，一股寒流，直击脑门。我想抱着爸爸，让他别走。但是，在我抱爸爸前，他已站起，转身就向门外走去，没再说话。

For a short time after Father's warning, things seemed to calm down between Mother and I.When Dad was home, my brothers and I played in our room or outside, until about 3:00 P.M.Mother would then turn on the television so we could watch cartoons.

有了爸爸的这次预警后，我和妈妈，短暂地冷静下来。当爸爸回家时，我们兄弟仨在房间内外玩耍，直到下午三点，妈妈打开电视，我们可以看动画片。

For my parents, 3:00 P.M.meant ‘Happy Hour’. Father would cover the kitchen counter top with bottles of alcohol and tall fancy glasses. He cut up lemons and limes, placing them in small bowls beside a small jar of cherries.

对于爸妈，下午三点意味着“美好时刻”。爸爸会代劳，去到厨房柜顶，拿下几瓶酒和几个高脚杯。爸爸切一些柠檬和酸橙，放到小碗里，旁边放着一小罐樱桃。

They often drank from mid-afternoon,until my brothers and I climbed into bed. I remember watching them dance around the kitchen to music from the radio. They held each other close, and they looked so happy. I thought I could bury the bad times. I was wrong.

他们一般下午三点开始喝，一直到我们兄弟仨，爬上床睡觉。我记得，看到爸妈在厨房里，载歌载舞。他们拥抱着彼此，看上去很愉快。我想，我可能埋葬掉了悲伤时刻，我错了。

The bad times were only beginning. A month or two later, on a Sunday, while Father was at work, my brothers and I were playing in our room when we heard Mother rush down the hall, yelling at us. Ron and Stan ran for cover in the living room.

苦日子才开始。一两个月后，某个周日，爸爸去上班了，我们兄弟仨正在家里玩耍，妈妈走进客厅，没来由对我们歇斯底里。罗恩和斯坦，吓得直接躲到起居室里。

I instantly sat down in my chair.With both arms stretched out and raised, Mother came at me. As she came closer and closer, I backed my chair towards the wall. Soon, my head touched the wall. Mother's eyes were glazed and red, and her breath smelled of booze.

我马上在椅子里坐起，吓得两臂伸长和抬起，妈妈走向我。随着她越走越近，我把自己藏在椅子后，紧挨着墙壁。很快，我的头触碰到墙，妈妈的双眼呆滞无神，猩红可怕，并且，她呼吸闻起来，有宿醉的酒味。

I closed my eyes as the oncoming blows began to rock me from side to side. I tried to protect my face with my hands, but Mother would only knock them away. Her punches seemed to last forever.Finally, I snaked my left arm up to cover my face. As Mother grabbed my arm, she lost her balance and staggered back a step.

我闭上眼，好像那随之而来的狂风暴雨，从一边刮向另一边，开始“摧残”我。我努力用双手护着我的脸，但是，妈妈会特意扳开它们。妈妈的拳打脚踢，好像要持续永远。最后，我扭着手绕过左臂，继续遮住脸。妈妈失去平衡，然而错开一个台阶，继续揍我。

As she jerked violently to regain her stability, I heard something pop, and felt an intense pain in my shoulder and arm. The startled look on Mother's face told me that she had heard the sound too, but she released her grip on my arm, and turned and walked away as if nothing had happened.

随着妈妈暴力猛拉，她重新获得重心。只听一声咔嚓响，然而，我感觉肩膀和手臂，有种剧烈的疼痛感。我恐惧地看着妈妈的脸，她说也听到了骨折的声音，但是，她故作轻松地抓着我手臂，然而，转身离开，就好像没啥事发生一样。

I cradled my arm as it began to throb with pain. Before I could actually inspect my arm, Mother summoned me to dinner.

我将手臂放回原处，然后它开始阵阵抽痛。在我完全检查手臂前，妈妈直接喊我去吃晚饭。

I plopped down at a T.V. tray to try to eat. As I reached for a glass of milk, my left arm did not respond. My fingers twitched upon command, but my arm tingled and had become lifeless. I looked at Mother, trying to plead with my eyes. She ignored me. I knew something was very wrong, but I was too afraid to utter a word.

我从电视托盘上掉落下来，然后艰难站起，继续吃饭。当我够着一杯牛奶，左臂疼得不听使唤。我的手指颤抖着发出命令，但手臂阵阵刺痛，让我变得生无可恋。我看着妈妈，努力用眼神发出哀求。她直接忽略我。我知道，手无失措的方式不对，但是，我就是害怕，不敢说一句话。

I simply sat there, staring at my tray of food. Mother finally excused me and sent me to bed early, telling me to sleep in the top bunk. This was unusual because I had always slept on the bottom. Sometime near morning I finally fell asleep, with my left arm carefully cradled in the other.

我呆呆坐在那，望着托管上的食物。最后，妈妈准我离开，带着我早早去睡了，让我就睡在铺顶。那地方独特，因为平时我总是睡底部。翌日凌晨，我才睡着。而且，睡着前，我小心翼翼，把一只手臂，搭在另一只上。

I hadn't slept long when Mother awakened me, explaining that I had rolled out of the top bunk during the night. She seemed to be deeply concerned about my condition, as she drove me to the hospital.

没睡多久，妈妈唤醒我。解释说，我昨晚一直在铺上滚动。那好像说，她很关注我的健康，以便于随时送我去医院。

When she told the doctor about my fall from the top bunk bed, I could tell by the look he gave me that he knew my injury was no accident. Again, I was too afraid to speak up. At home, Mother made up an even more dramatic story for Father.

当妈妈告诉医生，我是从床顶摔下来受伤的。医生给我一个表情，那就好像说，他已经知道我的伤不是意外造成，我本可以说实话。但是，再次，我太恐惧，根本不敢说真话。回到家，为了解释给爸爸听，妈妈甚至编一个更戏剧性的理由。

In the new version, Mother included her efforts to catch me before I hit the floor. As I sat in Mother's lap, listening to her lie to Father, I knew my mom was sick. But my fear kept the accident our secret. I knew if I ever told anyone, the next‘accident’would be worse.

新版故事中，在我摔下地板时，她还努力尝试接住我。当我坐在妈妈膝盖上，听着她对爸爸扯谎。我知道，妈妈真的“有病”。但是，恐惧战胜了我，让我只能守口如瓶。我知道，假如跟任何人说实情，下一次的“意外”，只会更加残酷无情。

School was a haven for me. I was thrilled to be away from Mother. At recess I was a wild man. I blitzed through the bark-covered playground, looking for new, adventurous things to do. I made friends easily and felt so happy to be at school.

学校对我就是天堂。远离妈妈，让我激动不已。课间，我是个野孩子。我怒吼着赶走所有同学，霸占操场，寻求着新的冒险故事。我很容易交朋友，而且，在学校，我感到很开心。

One day in late spring, when I returned home from school, Mother threw me into her bedroom. She then yelled at me, stating I was to be held back from the first grade because I was a bad boy. I did not understand. I knew I had more ‘happy face' papers than anybody in the class. I obeyed my teacher and I felt she liked me.

暮春的一日，当我由学校回到家，妈妈把我扔进她的卧室。然后，她大声吼我说，你被一年级开除了，因为你是个坏孩子。我没听懂。我知道，我明明比班上其他学生，获得更多“笑脸”的奖励。我守纪律，老师喜欢我。

But Mother continued to roar that I had shamed the family and would be severely punished. She decided that I was banned from watching television,forever. I was to go without dinner and accomplish whatever chores Mother could dream up. After another thrash- ing, I was sent to the garage to stand until Mother called me to go to bed.

但是，妈妈继续对我咆哮，骂我令全家蒙羞，说我要被狠狠惩罚。妈妈决定永久禁止我看电视，只要完不成任意的家务活，就没饭吃。在另外一次挨揍中，我被带到车库罚站，直到妈妈喊我去睡觉为止。

That summer, without warning, I was dropped off at my Aunt Jose's house on the way to the campsite. No one told me about this and I could not understand why. I felt like an outcast as the station wagon drove away, leaving me behind. I felt so sad and hollow.I tried to run away from my aunt's house.

那个夏天，没有任何警告，在我们去野营途中，我直接被丢弃在乔司阿姨家。没有人提醒我，我也不知道为什么。随着车子离开，我觉得自己是个弃儿。我感到如此悲伤，如此空洞。我尝试从阿姨家，努力跑出来。

I wanted to find my family, and for some strange reason, I wanted to be with Mother. I didn't get far, and my aunt later informed my mother of my attempt. The next time Father worked the 24-hour shift, I paid for my sin. Mother smacked, punched and kicked me until I crumpled to the floor. I tried to tell Mother that I had run away because I wanted to be with her and the family.

我想找我自己家，而且，由于某种奇怪的理由，我想同妈妈在一起。我没有跑远，而且，之后阿姨告诉妈妈说，我尝试逃跑。在下次的爸爸24小时轮流值班时，我为此付出巨大代价。妈妈掌掴、拳打脚踢，直到我瘫软在地。我试着告诉妈妈，我之所以逃跑，是由于想家。

I tried to tell her that I had missed her, but Mother refused to let me speak. I tried once more and Mother dashed to the bathroom, snatched a bar of soap and crammed it down my throat. After that, I was no longer allowed to speak unless I was instructed to do so.

我试着告诉妈妈，我不想失去她，但是妈妈不让开口。我再试着解释，妈妈把我扔进浴室，抓起一块肥皂，直接塞住我喉咙。此后，我不再被允许说话。

Returning to the first grade was really a joy. I knew the basic lessons and was instantly dubbed the class genius. Since I was held back, Stan and I were in the same grade. During recess, I would go over to Stan's first-grade class to play. At school we were the best of friends; however, at home, we both knew I was not to be acknowledged.

返回一年级后，我真的很开心。我学过基础课，而且，我被认为是班上的天才。自从回到学校，我和斯坦在同一个班。课间，我就朝着哥哥斯坦那边，去找他玩。学校里，我们是最好的朋友，但是，在家里，我们都知道，我不被认可。

One day I rushed home to show off a school paper. Mother threw me into her bedroom, yelling about a letter she had received from the North Pole. She claimed the letter said that I was a ‘bad boy' and Santa would not bring me any gifts for Christmas.

有一天，我跑回家，炫耀我的试卷。妈妈把我抓到她卧室，怒吼着对我说，她已经收到来自北极的信。她声称，信里也说我是“坏蛋小子”，圣诞老人再也不会给我送圣诞礼物。

Mother raged on and on, saying that I had embarrassed the family again. I stood in a daze, as Mother badgered me relentlessly. I felt I was living in a nightmare that Mother had created, and I prayed she would somehow wake up.

妈妈不停地发脾气，我又一次令全家耻辱。当妈妈无情地折磨我时，我迷茫地站着。我感到，我就像活在一个妈妈创造的梦魇中，而且，我祈祷着妈妈早日醒悟。

Before Christmas that year, there were only a couple of gifts for me under the tree, and those came from relatives outside the immediate family.On Christmas morning, Stan dared to ask Mother why Santa had brought me only two paint-by-number pictures.

就在那年圣诞节之前，圣诞树下仅有一对礼物，还是直系亲属送给我的。在圣诞节早上，斯坦勇敢地问妈妈，为什么圣诞老人，仅仅送来两幅涂上字母的图呢？

She lectured him saying, ‘Santa only brings toys to good boys and girls.' I stole a glance from Stan. There was sorrow in his eyes, and I could tell that he understood Mother's freakish games. Since I was still under punishment, on Christmas Day I had to change into my work clothes and perform my chores.

妈妈责骂哥哥说：“圣诞老人，只会送玩具给好孩子。”我偷偷看了一眼斯坦。他眼中有些悲伤，而且，我猜哥哥理解了妈妈的扭曲游戏，因为我仍然接受妈妈的惩罚。在圣诞节，我也不得不穿着工作服，继续干家务。

While I was cleaning the bathroom, I overheard an argument between Mother and Father. She was angry with him for 'going behind her back’ to buy me the paintings.

当我清洁浴室时，我偶然听到爸妈的吵架。妈妈对于爸爸背着她，给我买彩笔，她十分生气。

Mother told Father that she was in charge of disciplining the boy' and that he had undermined her authority by buying the gifts. The longer Father argued his case, the angrier she became. I could tell he had lost, and that I was becoming more and more isolated.

妈妈告诉爸爸，她正在规训孩子，但是爸爸老是买礼物，破坏她的权威。爸爸和她吵得越长，妈妈就变得越生气。我本可以告诉他们我的疑惑，而且，我变得越来越孤独了。

几个月后，妈妈就变成了“童子军”训导员。每当其他小孩拜访我们家，她总是扮作“女皇”一样招待别人。其他孩子告诉我，他们多么希望自己的妈妈，也和大卫妈妈一样。

I never responded, but I wondered to myself what they would think if they knew the real truth. Mother only kept the den mother job for a few months. When she gave it up I was so relieved because it meant I could go to other kids' homes for the Wednesday meetings.

我从不答复，但是，我想对自己说，如果知道真相，他们还会这么认为吗？妈妈保持“童军训导员”形象，仅仅坚持了几个月。当她放弃时，我感觉如此轻松。因为那意味着，我可以上其他小朋友家，而不是开每周三训导会。

One Wednesday, I came home from school to change into my blue and gold Cub Scout uniform. Mother and I were the only ones in the house, and I could tell by the look on her face that she was after blood. After smashing my face against the bedroom mirror, she snatched my arm and dragged me to the car.

一个周三，我从学校返回家中，换上我金黄色“童军”衣服。只有妈妈和我在房间里，而且，我要根据她的脸色血气行事。然后，她对着镜子，一遍遍掌掴我的脸，并把我拖进汽车。

During the drive to my den mother's house, Mother told me what she was going to do with me when we got home. I scooted to the far side of the front seat of the car, but it didn't work. She reached across the seat and seized my chin, lifting my head towards hers. Mother's eyes were bloodshot and her voice sounded as if she were possessed.

在开车驶向老妈训导房期间，妈妈告诉了我，当她回家将会做的事。我在车座前面，溜到另一边。但是，毫无意义。妈妈穿过座位，抓着我的下巴，提小鸡一样，把我拉向她。妈妈眼睛嗜血盯着我，声音也有点失常。

When we arrived at the den mother's house, I ran to the door crying. I whined to her that I had been a bad boy and could not attend the meeting. The den mother smiled politely, saying that she would like me to come to the next meeting. That was the last time I saw her.

当我们终于到达“训诫战场”时，我逃到门边大声哭喊。我哀求她，我已是“坏蛋小子”，求她放过我。训导老妈委婉地笑了，说她期望我参与下一次训导会。那是我上次见她的事了。

Once home, Mother ordered me to strip off my clothes and stand by the kitchen stove. I shook from a combination of fear and embarrassment. She then revealed my hideous crime. Mother told me that she had often driven to school to watch my brothers and I play during our lunch period recess.

一旦回家，妈妈命令我脱去衣服，站在厨房灶台边。我就那样抖着身体，混合着恐惧和尴尬，(*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ。然后，她“揭露”我可怕的罪恶。妈妈告诉我，她经常开车去学校窥视我们兄弟仨，是不是在午餐期间做坏事。

Mother claimed that she had seen me that very day playing on the grass, which was absolutely forbidden by her rules. I quickly answered that I never played on the grass. I knew Mother had somehow made a mistake. My reward for observing Mother's rules and telling the truth was a hard punch in the face.

妈妈信誓旦旦地说，她已经看到我在学校草地上玩，这绝对是她禁止的事。我迅速回答，我从没在学校草地上玩过。我知道，妈妈也会犯逻辑错误。我潜心研究妈妈的规则获得回报，而且，我指出事实，也是对她面子的一次巨大打击。

Mother then reached over and turned on the gas burners to the kitchen stove. Mother told me that she had read an article about a mother who had her son lie on top of a hot stove.

随后，妈妈越过我，打开煤气灶，告诉我说，她读过一篇文章，文中妈妈惩罚儿子，就是把孩子置于炉火之上。

I instantly became terrified. My brain became numb, and my legs wobbled.I wanted to disappear. I closed my eyes, wishing her away. My brain locked up when I felt Mother's hand clamp my arm as if it were in a vice grip.

我马上变得恐惧不已。我的脑袋麻木，而且，双腿直哆嗦，我想逃走。我闭上眼睛，希望妈妈消失不见。当我感觉妈妈的手夹着我的手臂时，脑袋一片空白，像是被老虎钳夹住一样，动弹不得。

You've made my life a living hell!' she . Now it's time I showed you what hell is like!' Gripping my arm, Mother held it in the orange-blue flame. My skin seemed to explode from the heat. I could smell the scorched hairs from my burnt arm.

妈妈冷笑道：“你已让我的生活如同地狱。现在，是时候向你展示，什么才是真正的地狱。”妈妈夹着我的手臂，向着那蓝橘色幽暗的火焰靠去。我的皮肤，在灼烫中，像是要爆炸。我甚至，能够闻到灼烧手臂，传过来的阵阵糊焦味。

As hard as I fought, I could not force Mother to let go of my arm. Finally I fell to the floor, on my hands and knees, and tried to blow cool air on my arm. ‘It's too bad your drunken father's not here to save you,' she hissed. Mother then ordered me to climb up onto the stove and lie on the flames so she could watch me burn.

在奋力挣扎中，我没法让妈妈远离手臂。最后，我掉在地上，四脚朝天。并且，我努力给手臂吹冷风。妈妈讥讽道：“可惜你酗酒的老爸不在这，没法保护你。”然后，妈妈继续命令我，爬到煤气灶的火焰上，以便她能看着我被灼烧。

I refused, crying and pleading. I felt so scared I stomped my feet in protest.But Mother continued to force me on top of the stove. I watched the flames, praying the gas might run out.

我拒绝，我大哭，我祈求。我如此恐惧，跺着脚以示抗议。但是，妈妈继续逼着我，必须登上煤气灶。我看着炉火，祈祷煤气赶紧烧灭掉。

Suddenly I began to realize the longer I could keep myself off the top of the stove, the better my chances were for staying alive. I knew my brother Ron would soon be coming home from his scout meeting, and I knew Mother never acted this bizarre when anyone else was in the house.

突然，我开始意识到，我越是让自己长时间待在炉子上，我活下来的机会就越大。我知道，哥哥罗恩马上就要回家，因为校工会议很快就开完了。而且，我知道，在家里，妈妈从来不在第二个人面前，去“演绎”这种怪行为。

In order to survive, I had to buy time. I stole a glance at the kitchen clock behind me. The second hand seemed to creep ever so slowly. To keep Mother off balance, I began to ask whining questions.

为了生存，我必须相信时间。又偷瞄了一眼厨房的闹钟，它就在我身后。另一只手臂，极其缓慢地移动。为了平复妈妈的心情，我开始哀求很多问题。

This infuriated her even more, and Mother began to rain blows around my head and chest. The more Mother slugged me, the more I began to realize I had won! Anything was better than burning on the stove.

但是，这反而激怒了她，并且开始狂风暴雨般，击打我的头和胸。妈妈越打我，我越意识到，我赢得了生存。挨打，总比烧死强。

Finally, I heard the front door fly open. It was Ron. My heart surged with relief. The blood from Mother's face drained. She knew she had lost. For a moment in time, Mother froze. I seized that instant to grab my clothes and race to the garage, where I quickly dressed.

最后，我听到前门，被飞起的一脚踢开了。哥哥罗恩来了，我感觉一阵强烈的宽慰。妈妈眼神中的嗜血光芒退却了，神情疲倦不堪。她知道失去机会了。在那紧急的一刻，妈妈心脏被冻住了。我抓准机会，抓起衣服跑到车库，迅速把它穿上。

I stood against the wall and began to whimper until I realized that I had beaten her. I had bought a few precious minutes. I had used my head to survive. For the first time, I had won!

我背对着墙，开始啜泣，直到我意识到，我已经”击败”了妈妈。我始终相信宝贵的时间，我用智慧的头脑勇敢求生。第一次，我“胜利”了！

Standing alone in that damp, dark garage, I knew, for the first time, that I could survive. I decided that I would use any tactic I could think of to defeat Mother or to delay her from her grisly obsession. I knew if I wanted to live, I would have to think ahead. I could no longer cry like a helpless baby.

孤独地站在潮湿黑暗的车库，我第一次知道，我可以生存下来。我决心，我要用尽策略，击败老妈，或者说，我要拖延她那可怕的妄想。我知道，如果我想活下来，我必须抢先一步，想在前面。我不再一味哭泣，像个无助的婴儿。

In order to survive, I could never give in to her. That day I vowed to myself that I would never, ever again give that bitch the satisfaction of hearing me beg her to stop beating me. In the coldness of the garage, my entire body trembled from both the cold anger and intense fear.

为了求生，我绝不会向她屈服。那天我向自己发誓，我大卫永远不会向那个泼妇投降，永远不要满足她听我的哀求声，而停下来揍我，我要为生存而战。在那个冷酷的地下室，因为冷静的愤怒和强烈的恐惧，我整个身体都颤抖不已。

I used my tongue to lick the burn and soothe my throbbing arm. I wanted to scream, but I refused to give Mother the pleasure of hearing me cry. I stood tall. I could hear Mother talking to Ron upstairs, telling him how proud she was of him, and how she didn't have to worry about Ron becoming like David - a bad boy.

我用舌头，舔舐着烧伤，来减轻手臂的痛苦。我想尖叫哭喊，但是，我不想给妈妈，那种听到我哭泣时的满足和愉快。我倔强🤣地站直了。我能听到妈妈和哥哥罗恩在楼上说话。妈妈告诉他，她为罗恩而骄傲。而且，她说，她自己多么担心罗恩，也变得和大卫一样，成为“坏蛋小子”。

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注释：

❶My relationship with Mom drastically changed from discipline that developed into a kind of lifestyle that grew out of control。我给这一句译为“我和妈妈关系彻底改变，来自于纪律规训。最初只是一种生活方式，慢慢演变成失控。”因为英语里是一种很长的复合句子，翻译中文就没办法搞成一个句子。这个翻译灵感，还是来自于莎法丽·萨巴瑞博士的“觉醒”系列书籍，莎法丽博士第一本书英文叫The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves Empowering Our Childrens，第二本书名叫Out of Control: Why Discipling Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will.这里面第二本书的书名，完全是对大卫这句话的阐释嘛，我当时把它翻译为《失控：为什么规训你的孩子不起作用，怎么办？》，当然译者延续了第一本的名字，改为《父母的觉醒❷》，那其实是把第一本书《父母的觉醒》当做广告了。那也无可厚非，只不过，我们作为读者，却不得不搞清楚作者莎法丽博士的思考逻辑。

❷《父母的觉醒❷》，是印度裔美国人莎法丽·萨巴瑞博士的“觉醒”系列第二部，全英文名字叫Out of Control: Why Discipling Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will，在此稍作解释。书中更多的篇幅，是用来解释为人父母，为什么会情绪失控，以及殴打辱骂、打压批判孩子为什么没有用，打骂没有用，怎么办？书中提出“六个字母法”，也就是“WINNER”，W指英文的Witness，见证，父母是做一个见证人，不是当老师说教和规训。第二字母I指的是Inquiry/Inquire，指的是“追寻、探究，调查，询问”，遇事莫激动，先Inquiry，再做行动。第三个字母N指的是Neutralize/Neutral/Neutrality，指的是父母一定要保持“中立，中庸之道”，绝不能带着偏见，然而有情绪时候多数是没办法保持中立的。第四个N指的Negotiate/Negotiation，指的是“合作共赢、协作，商讨，谈判，交涉”等等，能谈判绝不强迫，能协商绝不·独·裁·，能协作就绝不对立。第五个字母代表Empathy/Empathize，中文是“同情，共情，怜悯，通感，共鸣，移情作用，心领神会”等等，这就要求学会共情，不仅仅单方面要求子女共情父母，父母也要学会共情子女的感受，不然终究是单方面的要求，甚至是变成了“双标怪”。最后R代表的英文单词叫Repeat/Rehearsal/Rehearse/resolve/repeatable/resolution.代表就是“重复/决心/背诵/复述”，这里面涉及到三个单词，第一个是repeat，表示“重复，复述，反复做，重复说，留有余味”，第二个单词Rehearsal，表示“演习，复述，排练，详述，彩排”，第三个单词resolve，表示“决心，解决，坚决，表决，消退，消解”。这个最后一个字母R涉及内容就多了，有决心，有重复，有排练。当父母怎么会那么容易呢？本来就是一个反复做的事情，也是下定决心的一件事，更是一个不断演习排练的事情。

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多余的话：

以上是大卫·佩尔泽自传三部曲第一部的第3章完整的内容，大卫这本书对我还是感触蛮大的，尽管才完成第三章的翻译。大概还有四章内容，但是对我已经足够震撼了。它再一次让我回忆过往，让我重新面对我的父母暴力，忆起那个畏畏缩缩的可怜的自我，忆起那个不敢说话永远被妈妈控制住的可怜虫，忆起那个抑郁得差点结束自己生命的“厌世者”。

第三章内容，作者再一次回来写妈妈的转变，从一个温柔妈妈，变成一个“邪恶巫婆”，其实就是一瞬间的事。书中从妈妈开始变得衣衫不整，就预示着她要黑化了。妈妈用各种手段胁迫恐吓幼小的大卫，她会孤立小儿子，把大卫当做一个反面典型案例，去教训两个大儿子。书中妈妈的那种虚伪欺骗，似乎让人不适。但是，和我最近在看的《房思琪的初恋乐园》如出一辙。

应该说，《房思琪的初恋乐园》是作者林奕含的自传小说，可惜斯人不在，小说也就成了绝响，反而更增加了小说的悲怆与凄美。特别喜欢林奕含的文字，那种纯净的比喻，能让以前虚伪的我，自愧不如。

同样，大卫的这本A Child Called 'It' : One Child's Courage To Survive也具有这种真实感，这种直击虚伪人性。直击纯洁的内心的文字，常常令我感动不已，希望我的翻译，也能给你带来一丝触动，这就心满意足了。

来自网络‖如侵立删

来自网络‖如侵立删