3.21 翻译练习

他还以画作为科举升官的一种考试，每年以诗词做题目，刺激出许多新的创意佳画。如题目为“深山藏古寺”，许多人画深山寺院飞檐，但得第一名的没有画任何房屋，只画了一个和尚在山溪挑水。另题为，“踏花归来马蹄香”，得第一名的没有画任何花卉，只画了一人骑马，有蝴蝶飞绕马蹄间，凡此等等。这些都极大地刺激了中国画意境的发展。

我的译文：He set paintings as a form of imperial examination and advancement. Every year, the topics of paintings came from poems, which created many great artworks. For example, a great many of people drew cornices of temples in remote mountains to show ancient temples in remote mountains, the subject. However, the champion never drew any houses. Instead, he only drew a monk collecting water beside a stream. Likewise, the champion never drew any flowers to show the fragrance of flowers attached to horses' hooves after an outing in spring. Instead, he drew a man riding a horse, while butterflies  flying between its hooves. These exams has improved the development of the Chinese paintings' artistic conception enormously.

夏神点评&学习笔记：

（1）advancement
我的译文：He set paintings as a form of imperial examination and advancement.
这里的 advancement的确可以表达职位的晋升，地位的提升。但是！前面是要加词语的，比如social，career。我的译分析：文中，前面有imperial ，看上去像是在说皇室晋升……这在现实中其实不可能。
我的更正：He set paintings as a form of imperial examination and career advancement.

（2）the subject
我的译文：Every year, the topics of paintings came from poems, which created many great artworks. For example, a great many of people drew cornices of temples in remote mountains to show ancient temples in remote mountains, the subject.
分析：这里句尾加the subject，显得句子比较啰唆，并无必要。
我的更正：Every year, the topics of paintings came from poems, which created many great artworks. For example, a great many of people drew cornices of temples in remote mountains to show ancient temples in remote mountains, the subject.

（3）houses
我的译文：However, the champion never drew any houses. Instead, he only drew a monk collecting water beside a stream.
分析：这里用house并不准确！
我的更正：However, the champion never drew any buildings. Instead, he only drew a monk collecting water beside a stream.

（4）attach
我的译文：Likewise, the champion never drew any flowers to show the fragrance of flowers attached to horses' hooves after an outing in spring.
分析：这里用attach不准确，这个词含义是to fasten or connect one object to another 系；绑；贴；固定；连接；附上，并不符合香味萦绕的状态。
我的更正：Likewise, the champion never drew any flowers to show the fragrance of flowers lingered on horses' hooves after an outing in spring.（根据朗文在线词典，linger是不及物动词，表示to continue to exist, be noticeable etc for longer than is usual or desirable。）

（5）between
我的译文：Instead, he drew a man riding a horse, while butterflies  flying between its hooves.
分析：这里用between也不对。因为其含义是 in or through the place that seprates two things, people, or places。然而，马是四蹄。
我的更正：Instead, he drew a man riding a horse, while butterflies  flying among its hooves.（根据朗文在线词典，among表示in or through the middle of a group of people or things。此外，关于between和among的区分：To talk about position, use among if there are more than two people or things around someone or something, and between if there is just one person or thing on each side. After words such as 'relationship' or 'difference', use between, even when there are more than two people or things.）

（6）conception
我的译文：These exams has improved the development of the Chinese paintings' artistic conception enormously.
分析：意境用conception不准确。
（暂无更好纠正）

群里小伙伴们的练习解析整理：

He even set painting as one of the imperial competitive examinations in which poems were offered as questions and inspired many masterpieces with new innovations. For example there once was a question which was extracted from a poetry "the ancient temple hidden in deep mountains" and many candidates presented temple buildings among the mountains while the winner of the examination drew nothing about temples but only a monk carrying water nearby a mountain stream. In another examination with the question "fragrance around horse hoofs after an excursion in flowery fields" the first place winner didn't draw any flowers but only a man riding on a horse with several butterflies flying around the horse's hoofs. There were many other examples and all of these stimulated the development of Chinese paintings'  artistic conception greatly.

夏神解析：
文章翻译不错。但是“飞檐”一词是不能省译的。因为题目是深山藏古寺。画师肯定不会去画山中寺庙的全貌……毕竟题目有个藏字嘛！通行做法肯定是画建筑物（最高）的一部分，那么就是飞檐了。您的译文容易让读者误解为画师画了山中的寺庙建筑……

我的思考：
（1）升官：此译文省译了“科举升官”中的“升官”一词。科举是中国古代通过考试选拔官吏的制度，因此“科举”和“升官”意思相近，可以省译其中一个词。
（2）extract：这个词用得很好，值得借鉴。通过朗文在线词典，extract表示to take information or a short piece of writing from a book。
（3）around：around表示surrounding or on all sides of something or someone，用于表述在马蹄间飞舞的蝴蝶，并无不妥。

He even set painting as a part of imperial examination and took poem as the topic that stimulated many new creative works. For example, the title"historic temple hide in deep mountains", the first prize  painted only a bronze carrying water in ravine stream rather than deep mountains, temples and cornices  painted by other students. Another title was"return after enjoying flowers, aroma surrounding the horseshoes", the champion selected flowers instead of many butterflies flying around the hooves while a man was riding on the horse.  By this way,all of them stimulate the artistic conception development of Chinese painting greatly.

夏神解析：
总体翻译很好。但是译文中的"the champion selected flowers instead of many butterflies flying around the hooves while a man was riding on the horse"需要再斟酌。

我的思考：
（1）bronze：bronze是“青铜”的意思，不应该选用这个词。应该改为monk。
（2）aroma：aroma意为a strong pleasant smell 芳香。
（3）selecte flowers instead of many butterflies flying around the hooves：整体看起来有点奇怪。首先原文写的是第一名的画家画了蝴蝶在马蹄间飞舞，而这里变成了用花替代了蝴蝶。其次，flying around...这里是修饰前文的，在这句话里，变成了flowers flying around...。

He even set painting as one of the imperial and promotion examinations, where poems were cited as questions, thus inspiring a lot of creative works. For instance, when there was a question that an ancient temple was hidden in mountains, though many took mountains and cornices of a temple into their paintings, the winner didn't draw anything above but a monk carrying water nearby a stream in mountains. Another example is that when requested to draw according to an extraction from a poem that horse hoofs were with fragrance after trampling over flowers to return, the winner didn't draw any flower but a man riding on a horse with its hoofs surrounded by butterflies. There were still more examples, and all these exceedingly stimulate the development of Chinese painting's artistic conception.

夏神解析：
建议多查阅词典再进行翻译。像此文中的“trample”，是to step heavily on something, so that you crush it with your feet，用于此处，稍欠诗意。宜查阅“踏花”的意思，再进行翻译。

He even set painting as one form of imperial examination ( a cadre-election system in ancient China) ,with poetry as the subjects every year, stimulating many ingenious paintings. For example, the subject was Old Temple Hidden in Deep Mountains, most candidates draw deep mountain and the cornice of temple, but there was no building on the paper of the winner, only a monk carrying the water from the mountain stream. Another title was Horseshoe Scented with Flowers after Spring Outing, the winner only presented a man riding a horse, with a few butterfies flying around horse hoofs without a flower, and so on. What he did above have substantially promoted the artistic conception’s development of Chinese painting.

夏神解析：
行文非常流畅，并且英文很地道，还在必要之处加了解析。翻译得非常精彩！

我的思考：
（1）scent：scent可以作名词或者动词，作动词时，意为to give a particular smell to something 使充满...的气味；发出气味。
（2）Spring Outing：“踏花”，又作“蹋花”，意为游春、踏青。因此可以译为“春天出游”。

细心的小伙伴发现，“the subject was Old Temple Hidden in Deep Mountains, most candidates draw deep mountain and the cornice of temple, but there was no building on the paper of the winner”，这一句中时态并不一致。应该写成“the subject was Old Temple Hidden in Deep Mountains, most candidates draw drew deep mountain and the cornice of temple, but there was no building on the paper of the winner”。

另外，小伙伴们继续提问，可以用逗号把这么长的分句都串在一起吗？夏神表示，可以译文修改为，“For example, the subject was Old Temple Hidden in Deep Mountains. While most candidates drew deep mountain and the cornice of temple, but there was no building on the paper of the winner, only a monk carrying the water from the mountain stream the winner drew no temple in his work, but a monk fetching water from the mountain stream.”。这样做，译文更有现场感。

He also applied drawing to a kind of test of imperial examination and used poems as titles,  stimulating  the emergence of many new original masterpieces. Take the title "ancient temple hiding in deep mountains" as an example, the great majority answered with eaves of ancient temple there, but the champion drew no houses but just a monk who is carrying water in mountain stream. For another one titled with " the house's hooves turned fragrant after speeding with flowers underfoot", the person ranking first also drew no flowers but merely a man who is riding with butterflies circling around the horse's hooves, etc. All of these greatly stimulated the development of the traditional Chinese paintings' artistic conception.

夏神解析：
首先，不宜使用apply to。Apply to虽然有“应用”的意思，但这种应用、运用通常是指运用某种技术。而原文是指将作画设置为科举科目，是一种机制建设，而不是运用……宜改用make或者set。其次，a kind of test of imperial examination，此处的a kind of显得中式英语，宜去掉。另外，new与original语义重复，masterpiece含义太过。再者，“the great majority answered with eaves of ancient temple there”，there放在句末不太流畅，如欲指代深山，宜改为in the mountain……还有，answer、houses、in the stream、speeding with flowers underfoot、conception等用法也不妥当。

He also added painting to the Civil Service Examination System, chose poetry as topics each year. That stimulated many imaginative paintings. For example, in the topic “Old temples hidden in the mountains”, many examinees painted mountains, temples and cornices, but the best one painted a monk fetching water beside a mountain brook without any building. In another topic “Coming back with fragrant horseshoe after passing the flower covered road”, the champion did not paint a single flower but a man riding a horse, and the butterflies fluttering around the horseshoe. All these things greatly improved the artistic conception in Chinese painting.

夏神解析：
整体很好。第一句处理成公务员考试太现代了……不符合语境。踏花……一句对原文理解不当。查一下诗句典故，可以参考其他同学，用Spring Outing这种表述。flutter一词用的很好。请继续努力！

我的思考：
（1）flutter：根据朗文在线词典，flutter表示if a bird or insect flutters, or if it flutters its wings, it flies by moving its wings lightly up and down。非常形象生动。

He even took paintings as an exam of Imperial examination and promotion. Every year he took poetries to be a topic, having stimulated many new excellent and creative paintings. For example, one topic 'An ancient temple hidden in a remote mountain '. Many people drawn remote mountain, temple and highest building , but the one who got the first prize did not draw any buildings, just drawn a monk carrying water from the hill stream. Another topic ' Going back and smelling the fragrance from hooks  of horse.The champion did not draw any flowers but draw a man riding horse with butterflies flying around the horse's hooks. There were many similar examples, all  dramatically  stimulated the development of Chinese paintings' artistic conception.

夏神解析：
首先，第一句和第二句连用两个take，显得词汇非常匮乏，宜改用其他词语。而且，an exam of Imperial examination，显得啰嗦，第一个exam可以换成表达“科目”“项目”的单词。其次，poetry是集合名词，是种类词，不可数的，不可以写为poetries。另外，第二句中“having stimulated”并不妥当，不应用现在完成时。第四句中，“drawn”时态错误，宜用一般过去时态。还有，“飞檐”一词宜查字典后翻译。此外，first prize、hill stream、conception等词用法不准确。最后，“踏花”一词并未译出。

He even brought in painting as the testing content of the annual imperial examination, and the subject of the painting was usually concerned with the artistic conception or expression of a poem. With this measure taken into the imperial examination, a lot of original paintings were created by the examinees. For example, one of the subjects was an old temple hidden in the mountain. as for this subject, most examinees produced mountains and cornices on the paper，but only one painter, who drew a monk taking water from the stream, won the first place. Another subject was houseshoe scented with flowers after spring outing. The winner drew no flowers at all, but some butterflies fluttering around the horse hoofs. The appearing of these outstanding painting works in the examinatioms greatly stimulated and promoted the developement of traditional Chinese painting's artistic conception.

夏神解析：
除了conception一词的用法，整体很好。

He used painting as the promotion of imperial examination. Stimulating many new creative paintings by seting poetry examination questions.For example,under the title of "A hidden old temple in the remote mountains".most people painted remote mountains and old temple.However,the first examinee merely drew a monk who carried water from  the mountain creak instead of drawing any buildings.Another title is "after stepping on the petal,the hooves is fill with potpourri when he is returning".The first examine did not draw any flowers,just drawing a person who is ridding on horseback. In addition there are else other examples like this.These all promoted the artistic conception of Chinese painting enormously.

夏神解析：
首先，在“He used painting as the promotion of imperial examination.”这一句中，用use一词并不妥当，将绘画纳入科举，其实是创设一种制度，用set 或者万能动词make都是可以接受的。其次，在“Stimulating many new creative paintings by seting poetry examination questions.”一句中，peotry用得不太好，变成了诗意的考试试题……和原文意涵有差距。还有，“飞檐”一词并未译出。而在“However,the first examinee merely drew a monk who carried water from  the mountain creak instead of drawing any buildings.”一句中，first examinee并不能表达第一名……有第一个考试者的歧义。另外，“Another title is "after stepping on the petal,the hooves is fill with potpourri when he is returning".”翻译得不太好，有点难以理解。而otpourri这个词的含义是 a mixture of pieces of dried flowers and leaves kept in a bowl to make a room smell pleasant 并非指户外的花香。在下一句中，漏译了“蝴蝶”。还有，在“In addition there are else other examples like this.”一句中，else other这种译法并不妥当，直接用other examples即可。最后，conception用法不对。

He even set painting as one of the imperial examination and took poems as the topic which stimulated many creative works.For example,the subject was"Old temple hidden in deep mountains". Many candidates draw cornices of temple in deep mountains, otherwise the winner drew no temple, but a monk fetching water from the mountain stream. Another question is "fragrance around horse hoofs after admiring the flowers", the champion didn't draw any flowers, but  a man riding a horse, with butterflies surrounded horse hoofs, and so on.All this competitions exceedingly promoted the development of the artistic conception of Chinese painting.

夏神的解析：
整体做的不错。但是第一句中，用了one of ，后面名词要用复数。admire一词用的不错。后面的surround要用ing分词。最后，conception用法不对。

最后特别鸣谢南下的夏天主编～

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