Yesterday morning I had a small fight with my mom. She insisted on taking the trash down stairs despite of her recent knee surgery. I tried to persuade her but she clung to the garbage bag so firmly that I had to give up. Finally, my mom went out with 3 huge bags of garbage.
The fight was over but the fire was ON deep inside me. Why couldn’t I persuade her? I felt so angry and frustrated that the familiar feeling came back again. It was the anger or the demon deep inside me. It could stay inside me for days or weeks, burn me, destroy me.
Looking back, I grew up in a family with full of criticisms and anger. I was criticized from the friends I made, the clothes I wore, to the way I walk. As a young and dependent child, I had no way out. Anger became the only way to protect my little self. Often times, anger burned into my dreams. It was like a demon live inside me.
I didn’t live with my parents for a long time after I graduated and lived in another city.
The demon was gradually forgotten until my parents came to live with me after my baby daughter was born several years ago.
The demon came back when my parents criticized me about the baby sitter I hired, the man I married, even the small house we lived inside. The demon came back and anger burst into flames, burn into my dreams.
I know, my body couldn’t stand such anger for too long. I need inner peace.
So I started to learn psychology. Gradually I understood why my parents behaved that way but I still didn’t know how to drive the demon away. After being angry for months, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I had to remove my whole thyroid.
After experiencing the lost and pain, I grew up a lot. I would never let the demon destroy the remaining part of me. I tried my best to control and understand UNTIL yesterday morning, I had the first fight with my mom after she came here 1 week ago, the demon came back again. I kept asking myself, Why was I so angry?
Yesterday afternoon, I read a book called Reconciliation with Childhood Trauma. I was so tired and frustrated during reading. However, from my blurry eyes, I see a little child, standing there, with a red face, glared eyes, mouth pouting in anger. She was so angry that she couldn’t find a way out. She pouted her mouth all day long for if she smile, her parents would start to scold her again, without any reason or for any reason.
Years pass by, I grow up but the little child inside me still waited to get her dream fulfilled: to wait for her parents to apologize to at least listen to her for once. I almost forgot her until I live with my parents again. I finally understood where all the anger came from. It was from the little child inside me who was still waiting her old parents to listen to her.
Thanks to the inner child to protect me in the most dark days so that I could grow up as a positive person.
Thanks the little child inside me, the world is far beyond your control even after you grow up!
Let it go, let it go, the scold never bother me anyway.
There’s a little child inside everyone of us. Some are still waiting to get their unreasonable dream fulfilled. Whenever you are fighting with your old parents, don’t just run away. Remember that there’s a little child inside you waiting to be seen, waiting to be heard. Talk to them, thank them and teach them to grow. And most important, embrace their angry or sad emotions. Because you are the only one to set the demon free.
