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一九八一年的一月二十二日，我生下了第三个孩子。生前两个孩子时，我不记得自己有多疼痛，但生第三个孩子是最轻松的，生完之后，我如释重负。妇产科医生赞扬了我的自控能力，我没有让她太费劲儿，她很高兴。她对我说：“假如所有孕妇都像你就好了，你非常适合生孩子。”然后她在我耳边小声说：“尼诺在外面等着呢，是我告诉他的。”
It was January 22, 1981, the day my third
child was delivered. Of the first two experiences I didn’t have a
particularly painful memory, but this one was absolutely the easiest, so much
so that I considered it a happy liberation. The gynecologist praised my
self-control, she was happy that I hadn’t caused her any problems. If only
they were all like you, she said: You’re made for bringing children into the
world. She whispered: Nino is waiting outside, I’ve let him know.
这个消息让我挺高兴的，但让我更高兴的是，我发现我已经没有怨恨了。生了孩子，我那几个月承受的心酸也忽然消失了，我很高兴，我又可以做一个和和气气的人。我很温柔地迎来了我的小女儿，她六斤四两，红扑扑的，还没有头发。我修整了一下自己，掩饰了一下生完孩子的狼狈，让尼诺进来了。我对尼诺说：“现在我们是四个女的，假如你离开我的话，我也可以理解。”我没有任何要和他吵架的意思。他拥抱了我，亲吻了我，他发誓说不会离开我。他送给我一个带坠子的金项链，我觉得很漂亮。
The news pleased me, but I was even
happier to discover that my resentments were gone. Delivering the child
relieved me of the bitterness of the past month and I was glad, I felt
capable again of a good nature that could take things less seriously. I welcomed
the new arrival lovingly, she was a girl of seven pounds, purple, bald. I
said to Nino, when I let him come in, after neatening myself to hide the
evidence of the exertion: now we’re four females, I’ll understand if you
leave me. I made no allusion to the quarrel we had had. He embraced me,
kissed me, swore he couldn’t do without me. He gave me a gold necklace with a
pendant. I thought it was beautiful.
当我刚刚感觉好一点，我就给我邻居打了电话。我知道彼得罗像往常一样高效，他已经到了。我跟他说了话，他想带两个孩子来诊所。我让他把电话给孩子，她们因为跟父亲在一起，对我说话都有些漫不经心，只是说一些单音节的词。我对我前夫说，我希望他把两个孩子带到佛罗伦萨住几天。他非常关心我，也很热忱，我想对他表示感谢，说我爱他，但我感觉尼诺审视的目光落在我身上，我没说。
As soon as I felt better I called the
neighbor. I learned that Pietro, diligent as usual, had arrived. I talked to
him, he wanted to come to the clinic with the children. I had him put them on
the phone, but they were distracted by the pleasure of being with their
father, and answered in monosyllables. I told my ex-husband I would prefer
that he take them to Florence for a few days. He was very affectionate, I
would have liked to thank him for his care, tell him that I loved him. But I
felt Nino’s inquiring gaze and I gave up on the idea.
之后，我马上打电话给我父母，我父亲冷冰冰的，也许是因为不好意思，也许是因为他觉得我的生活一团糟，也许他像我两个弟弟一样，对我怀有敌意，因为我最近插手他们的事，却从来没有让他们插手我的事儿。我母亲说，她要马上过来看孩子，我很难让她平静下来。我打了莉拉的电话，她兴高采烈地说：“你一切都顺利，我还没一点儿动静呢。”也许因为她有很多工作要做，她的电话很短，她没说要来诊所看我。我愉快地想，一切都很正常，然后就睡着了。
Right afterward I called my parents. My
father was cold, maybe out of timidity, maybe because my life seemed to him a
disaster, maybe because he shared my brothers’ resentment at my recent
tendency to stick my nose in their business, when I had never let them meddle
in mine. My mother wanted to see the child immediately, and I struggled to
calm her down. Afterward I called Lila, she commented, amused: Things always
go smoothly for you, for me nothing’s moving yet. Maybe because she was busy
with work she was brusque, she didn’t mention a visit to the clinic.
Everything normal, I thought, good-humoredly, and fell asleep.
我醒来时，确信尼诺已经消失了，但他还在那里。他和那个妇产科医生——他的朋友聊了很久，问了以父亲身份承认孩子的手续，他没表现出任何不安，或者担心埃利奥诺拉的反应。当我对他说，我要给孩子起我母亲的名字，他很高兴。我刚休整过来，我们就去了市政府，在一个职员面前给孩子登记，我们决定给这个刚生出来的孩子起名叫伊马可拉塔·萨拉托雷。
When I woke I took it for granted that
Nino had disappeared, but he was there. He talked for a long time with his
friend the gynecologist, he asked about acknowledgment of paternity, he
showed no anxiety about Eleonora’s possible reaction. When I said I wanted to
give the baby my mother’s name he was pleased. And as soon as I recovered we
went to a city clerk to officially register the child I had just delivered as
Immacolata Sarratore.
在那种情况下，尼诺也没不自在，我倒是有些混乱，我说我是乔瓦尼·萨拉托雷的妻子。然后我改口了，小声说我和彼得罗·艾罗塔离婚了，我说了一些乱七八糟的姓名，不确切的信息。但那时候我感觉很好，我又开始相信，为了让我的私生活有条不紊，只要稍微耐心一点就可以了。
Nino didn’t appear uncomfortable on that
occasion, either. I was the confused one, I said that I was married to
Giovanni Sarratore, I corrected myself, I said separated from Pietro Airota,
I came out with a disorderly pile of names, surnames, imprecise information.
But the moment seemed lovely to me and I went back to believing that, to put
my life in order, I needed only a little patience.
我刚生产完的那几天，尼诺放下了所有事儿，向我展示，我对他有多么重要。但当他发现，我不想给我们的孩子洗礼，他有些不情愿。
In those early days Nino neglected his
endless duties and demonstrated in every possible way how important I was to
him. He darkened only when he discovered that I didn’t want to baptize the
child.
“孩子生下来是要洗礼的。”他说。
“Children are baptized,” he said.
“阿尔伯特和莉迪亚都受洗了吗？”
“Are Albertino and Lidia baptized?”
“当然了。”
“Of course.”
就这样，我了解到，尽管他经常表现出一副反教会的姿态，但他觉得洗礼很有必要，我们有些尴尬。我一直觉得，我们在上高中时他就已经不是一个信徒了，但他跟我说，正是因为我和宗教老师的争论，他确信我是一个信徒。
Thus I learned that, in spite of the
anti-religiousness that he often flaunted, baptism seemed necessary to him.
There were moments of embarrassment. I had thought, ever since we were in
high school, that he wasn’t a believer, and he, on the other hand, said to me
that, precisely because of the argument with the religion teacher in middle
school, he was sure that I was a believer.
“无论如何，”他有些不安地说，“无论我们是不是信徒，孩子都要进行洗礼。”
“Anyway,” he said, bewildered, “believer
or not, children are baptized.”
“这是什么道理？”
“What sort of reasoning is that.”
“没有道理，这只是一种情感。”
“It’s not reasoning, it’s feeling.”
他用轻快的语气说。
I assumed a playful tone.
“你不要让我前后矛盾，”我说，“我没给黛黛和艾尔莎洗礼，我也不会给伊马可拉塔洗礼，让她们长大了自己决定吧。”
“Let me be consistent,” I said. “I didn’t
baptize Dede and Elsa, I won’t baptize Immacolata. They’ll decide themselves
when they grow up.”
他想了一下，笑了起来：
He thought about it for a moment and burst out laughing:
“好吧，谁在乎呢，洗礼也只是为了庆祝一下。”
“Well, yes, who cares, it was an excuse
for a celebration.”
“我们会庆祝的。”
“Let’s do it anyway.”
我答应他，我说，我会给他的朋友举办一场聚会。在女儿刚出生的那几个小时里，我一直在观察尼诺的每个动作，每个同意或者不同意的表情。我感觉高兴，但同时又有些迷惑。这是他吗？这是那个我一直深爱着的男人吗？还是说这是一个陌生人，我强迫他露出清楚明了的轮廓？
I promised that I would organize
something for all his friends. In those first hours of our daughter’s life I
observed him in every gesture, in the expressions of disappointment and those
of approval. I felt happy and yet disoriented. Was it him? Was he the man I
had always loved? Or a stranger I was forcing to assume a clear and definite
character?
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我的任何一个亲戚，还有城区的任何一个朋友都没来诊所看我。回到家里之后，我想，也许我要为他们搞一场聚会。我把我的出身和我的生活彻底分开了，虽然我现在在城区的时间很多，但我从来都没有把我童年和青春期的那些朋友邀请到塔索街上。我很愧疚，我感觉那种彻底的决裂，那是我生命中最脆弱的阶段的残余，几乎是一种不成熟的象征。我还在想着这些问题时，电话响了，是莉拉。
None of my relatives, none of my friends
from the neighborhood came to the clinic. Maybe—I thought, once I got home—I
should have a little party for them, too. I had kept my origins so far from
myself that, although I spent quite a bit of time in the neighborhood, I had
never invited a single person who had to do with my childhood and adolescence
to the apartment on Via Tasso. I regretted it, I felt that sharp separation
as a residue of more fragile periods of my life, almost a sign of immaturity.
I still had that thought in mind when the telephone rang. It was Lila.
“我们要到了。”
“We’re about to arrive.”
“你和谁？”
“Who.”
“我和你母亲。”
“Your mother and I.”
那是一个寒冷的午后，维苏威火山山顶上有一层薄薄的雪，我觉得这次拜访非常不合时宜。
It was a cold afternoon, Vesuvius had a
dusting of snow on top, that visit seemed ill-timed.
“天气这么冷，让她出来不太好吧。”
“In this cold? Going out will make her
ill.”
“我已经跟她说了，但她不听。”
“I told her but she won’t listen.”
“这几天我会举行一场聚会，邀请你们所有人来，你跟她说，到时候她就能看到孩子了。”
“In a few days I’ll have a party, I’ll
invite everyone, tell her she’ll see the baby then.”
“你跟她说吧。”
“You tell her.”
我不想再坚持，但我也不再想庆祝的事儿。我刚回到家里，我要喂奶，给孩子洗澡，手术缝合的地方还是有些疼，我很累，我觉得这场拜访就像一种强行闯入。尤其是，那时候尼诺在家里，我不希望我母亲看到他生气。另外，在我身体没有恢复的情况下，莉拉和她见面，让我很不自在。我试着让尼诺离开，但他好像不明白，他很高兴我母亲要来，就特意留了下来。
I gave up the discussion, but every idea
of celebration left me, I felt that visit as an intrusion. I had only been
home for a short time. With feeding, bathing, some sutures that bothered me,
I was tired. And at that moment Nino was in the house. I didn’t want my
mother to be unhappy, and it made me uneasy that he and Lila should meet at a
moment when I wasn’t yet in shape. I tried to get rid of Nino, but he didn’t
seem to understand, in fact he seemed happy that my mother was coming, and
stayed.
我赶紧跑到洗手间里收拾了一下。当她们敲门时，我马上就去开了门。我有十几天没有见到我母亲了，莉拉和她站在一起，我觉得反差很大，莉拉现在充满活力，肚子里怀着孩子，非常美，我母亲紧紧抓着莉拉的一条胳膊，就像海浪打过来时拼命抓住一个救生圈，她看起来非常僵硬，好像已经精疲力竭，快要坠入深渊了。我过去扶住了她，我让她坐在一个靠近落地窗的沙发上。她小声感叹了一句：“海湾真美啊！”她盯着阳台外面看，也许是为了不看尼诺。但尼诺用那种自来熟的方式，给我母亲展示了大海和天空相接之处：“那是伊斯基亚，那是卡普里岛，您过来，从这里看得更清楚，让我扶着您吧。”他从来都没和莉拉说话，也没跟她打招呼，是我在接待莉拉。
I went into the bathroom to fix myself
up. When they knocked I rushed to open the door. I hadn’t seen my mother for
ten days. The contrast was violent between Lila, still carrying two lives,
beautiful and energetic, and my mother, gripping her arm like a life
preserver in a storm, more bent over than ever, at the end of her strength,
close to sinking. I had her lean on me, I led her to a chair at the window.
She murmured: how beautiful the bay is. And she stared past the balcony,
maybe so as not to look at Nino. But he came over to her and in his winning
way began to point out to her the foggy outlines between sea and sky: That’s
Ischia, there is Capri, come, you can see better here, lean on me. He never
spoke to Lila, he didn’t even greet her. I talked to her.
“你恢复得挺快的。”她说。
“You’ve recovered quickly,” she said.
“我有点儿累，但感觉还不错。”
“I’m a little tired but I’m well.”
“你住在高处，上来可累死人。”
“You insist on staying up here, it’s hard
to get here.”
“但这里很美啊。”
“But it’s beautiful.”
“也是！”
“Well.”
“来吧，我们去把孩子抱过来。”
“Come, let’s go get the baby.”
我和她一起去了伊马可拉塔的小房间。
I took her into Immacolata’s room.
“你现在脸色也恢复了，”她赞扬我，“头发也很美。这项链哪儿来的？”
“You already have your looks back,” she
praised me. “Your hair is so nice. And that necklace?”
“尼诺送给我的。”
“Nino gave it to me.”
我把孩子从摇篮里抱了出来，莉拉把鼻子凑到孩子脖子那里闻了闻，她说她一进门就闻到婴儿的味道。
I picked the baby up from the cradle.
Lila sniffed her, put her nose in her neck, said she smelled her scent as
soon as she came into the house.
“什么味道？”
“What scent?”
“就是爽身粉、奶味混合着消毒水的味道，新生儿的味道。”
“Of talcum powder, milk, disinfectant,
newness.”
“你喜欢吗？”
“You like it?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“我还想着孩子会很大呢，结果只是我肚子很大。”
“I expected her to weigh more. Evidently
only I was fat.”
“谁知道我儿子会是什么样的。”
“Who knows what mine is like.”
现在，她提到肚子里的孩子，总是说儿子。
She spoke of him always in the masculine
now.
“他会很乖，很漂亮。”
“He’ll be wonderful.”
她点了点头，好像没听我说话，她很专注地看着孩子。她用食指掠过孩子的额头、耳朵。她又说了我们之前的玩笑话：
She nodded yes, but as if she hadn’t
heard, she was looking at the baby carefully. She ran a finger over her
forehead, one ear. She repeated the pact we had jokingly made:
“要是我生了儿子，咱们换一下。”
“If necessary we’ll make an exchange.”
我笑了，我把孩子带到我母亲面前，尼诺正扶着她站在窗前。现在她仰着头，满脸欢喜地看着尼诺，在对他微笑，就像她已经忘记了自己的状况，她想象着自己还很年轻。
I laughed, I brought the baby to my
mother, who was leaning on Nino’s arm, near the window. She was staring up at
him with pleasure, she was smiling, it was as if she had forgotten herself
and imagined that she was young.
“伊马可拉塔来啦。”我对她说。
“Here’s Immacolata,” I said.
她看着尼诺。尼诺马上说：
She looked at Nino. He exclaimed quickly:
“这是一个很好听的名字。”
“It’s a beautiful name.”
我母亲嘟哝了一句：
My mother murmured:
“一点也不好听，但你们可以叫她伊玛，要现代一点。”
“It’s not true. But you can call her
Imma, which is more modern.”
她放开了尼诺的手，示意我把孩子给她抱。我把孩子递了过去，但我担心她没有力气，抱不动。
She left Nino’s arm, she gestured to me
to give her her granddaughter. I did, but fearful that she didn’t have the
strength to hold her.
“天呐，你真是漂亮啊！”她对着孩子低语，然后对莉拉说：
“Madonna, how beautiful you are,” she
whispered, and turned to Lila:
“你喜欢吗？”
“Do you like her?”
莉拉没在听她说话，她盯着我母亲的脚。
Lila was distracted, she was staring at
my mother’s feet.
“是的，”她说，但她没有把目光移开，“但您最好坐下。”
“Yes,” she said without taking her eyes
off them. “But sit down.”
我也朝着莉拉看的地方看，我母亲的黑裙子下面正在滴血。
I also looked where she was looking.
Blood was dripping from under my mother’s black dress.
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几乎是出于本能反应，我马上把孩子抱了过来。我母亲也意识到了正在发生的事情，我在她脸上看到了她对自己身体的厌烦和羞愧。在她晕倒之前，尼诺抓住了她。“妈妈，妈妈！”我呼喊着她。尼诺用指尖轻轻地拍打着她的脸颊，她没醒过来。这时候，孩子哭了起来，我很害怕。我想，她会死的，她一直坚持到现在，在看到了伊马可拉塔之后，决定撒手人寰。我继续叫着妈妈，声音越来越大。
I snatched the infant with an instinctive
jerk. My mother realized what was happening and I saw in her face disgust and
shame. Nino grabbed her a moment before she fainted. Mamma, mamma, I called
while he struck her lightly on one cheek with his fingertips. I was alarmed,
she didn’t regain consciousness, and meanwhile the baby began to wail. She’ll
die, I thought, terrified, she held out until the moment she saw Immacolata
and then she let go. I kept repeating Mamma in a louder and louder voice.
“快叫救护车。”莉拉说。
“Call an ambulance,” Lila said.
我走到了电话跟前，有些手忙脚乱地停了下来，我想把孩子交给尼诺抱着，但他躲开了，他对莉拉——而不是对我——说开车直接送过去会快一点。我感觉心跳到了嗓子眼儿，孩子在哭，我母亲恢复了知觉，她在呻吟。她哭着说，她不想踏进医院一步。她拽着我的裙子，提醒我，她已经进去住过一次院了，她不想死在医院里，那里太荒凉了。她在发抖，她说：“我想看着孩子长大。”
I went to the telephone, I stopped,
confused, I wanted to give the baby to Nino. But he avoided me, he turned to
Lila instead, he said that it would be quicker to take her to the hospital in
the car. I felt my heart in my throat, the baby was crying, my mother
regained consciousness and began to moan. She whispered, weeping, that she
didn’t want to set foot in the hospital, she reminded me, pulling on my
skirt, that she had been admitted once and didn’t want to die in that
abandonment. Trembling, she said: I want to see the baby grow up.
尼诺用一种坚定的语气说，我们走吧，这是他在当学生时，面对一些困难时刻时会用到的语气。尼诺把我母亲抱了起来，她还在抗争，不愿意去，尼诺让她放心，说一切包在他身上，他会安排好的。莉拉很不安地看着我，我想：那个在医院里给我母亲治病的教授，是埃利奥诺拉家的一个朋友，在这种情况下，尼诺真的很重要，还好他在。莉拉说：“我来帮你看孩子，你去吧。”我点了点头，我把伊马可拉塔递给她，但动作不是那么坚定，我和孩子依然紧密相连，就像她还在我肚子里一样。无论如何，我现在没办法和她分开，我要给她喂奶，给她洗澡；但我觉得，我也没办法和我母亲分开。这是从来没有过的事儿，我在发抖，那些血是怎么回事儿，意味着什么。
Nino at that point assumed the firm tone
he had had even as a student when he had to confront difficult situations.
Let’s go, he said and picked up my mother in his arms. Since she protested
weakly he reassured her, he told her that he would take care of arranging
everything. Lila looked at me perplexed, I thought: the professor who attends
to my mother at the hospital is a friend of Eleonora’s family, Nino at this
moment is indispensable, lucky he’s here. Lila said, leave me the baby, you
go. I agreed, I was about to hand her Immacolata but with a hesitant gesture,
I was connected to her as if she were still inside me. And, anyway, I
couldn’t separate myself now, I had to feed her, bathe her. But to my mother,
too, I felt bound as never before, I was shaking, what was that blood, what
did it mean.
“快点。”尼诺很不耐烦地对莉拉说，“我们快一点。”
“Come on,” Nino said impatiently to Lila,
“hurry up.”
“好吧。”我小声说，“你们去吧，然后告诉我情况。”
“Yes,” I said, “go and let me know.”
门关上时，我才感觉到当时的处境给我带来的撕裂感：莉拉和尼诺一起把我的母亲带走了，他们照顾着我母亲，这本来应该是我做的事情。
Only when the door closed did I feel the
wound of that situation: Lila and Nino together were taking my mother away,
they were taking care of her when it should have been me.
我心烦意乱，也很虚弱。我坐在沙发上给伊马可拉塔喂奶，想让她平静下来。我没办法把目光从地板上的血迹上移开。这时候，我想象着汽车在城市冰冷的街道上跑着，手一直摁在喇叭上，拿一块手帕举在窗外，示意情况紧急，我母亲意识涣散，坐在后面的座位上。汽车是莉拉的，是她开车，还是尼诺开？我想，我要平静下来。
I felt weak and confused. I sat on the
couch, giving my breast to Immacolata to soothe her. I couldn’t take my eyes
off the blood on the floor as I imagined the car speeding over the frozen
streets of the city, the handkerchief outside the window signaling an
emergency, the finger on the horn, my mother dying in the back seat. The car
was Lila’s, was she driving or had he gotten behind the wheel? I have to stay
calm, I said to myself.
我把孩子放在摇篮里，我决定给埃莉莎打电话。我尽量把事情说得没那么严重，我没有提到尼诺，只是提到了莉拉。我妹妹马上就失去了平静，她哭了起来，开始骂我。她说，我让一个外人把我们的母亲送到不知哪里去了，我应该叫一辆救护车，我只想着自己的事，只图自己方便，假如母亲死了，那都是我的错。这时候，我听见她用一种命令的语气在叫马尔切洛，这是之前我从来没听过的，她的声音里饱含着怒气和焦虑。我对她说：“你为什么要这么说？怎么是不知道什么地方，莉拉把她带到医院去了。”我没说完，她就把电话挂了。
I placed the baby in the cradle, and
decided to call Elisa. I minimized what had happened, I was silent about
Nino, I mentioned Lila. My sister immediately lost her temper, burst out
crying, insulted me. She shouted that I had sent our mother who knows where
with a stranger, that I should have called an ambulance, that I thought only
of my own affairs and convenience, that if our mother died I was responsible.
Then I heard her calling Marcello repeatedly in a commanding tone unfamiliar
to me, petulant yet anguished cries. I said to her: What does “who knows
where” mean, Lina took her to the hospital, why must you speak like that. She
slammed down the telephone.
无论如何，埃莉莎说得对。我真是犯晕了，我应该叫一辆救护车，或者把孩子交给莉拉。我太相信尼诺的权威，他像所有男人一样，在这种情况下，想显摆一下自己救人于危难的决定性作用。我坐在电话旁边，等着他们打给我。
But Elisa was right. I had lost my head.
I really should have called an ambulance. Or torn the baby away and given her
to Lila. I was subject to Nino’s authority, to that craving of men to make a
good impression by appearing determined, saviors. I waited by the telephone
for them to call me.
过了一个小时，一个半小时，电话终于响了。
An hour passed, an hour and a half, finally the phone rang.
莉拉很平静地说：
Lila said calmly:
“已经办理好住院了，尼诺认识那个主治医生，他们说，一切都在控制之中。你放心吧。”
“They admitted her. Nino knows the
doctors, they told him it’s all under control. Be calm.”
“她现在是一个人吗？”
“Is she alone?”
“是的，别人不能进病房。”
“Yes, they won’t let anyone in.”
“她不想一个人死去。”
“She doesn’t want to die alone.”
“她不会死的。”
“She won’t die.”
“她很害怕，莉拉，想想办法吧，她已经和之前不一样了。”
“She’s frightened, Lila, do something,
she’s not what she used to be.”
“这是医院的规定。”
“That’s how the hospital works.”
“她有没有问到我？”
“Did she ask about me?”
“她说，你要把孩子带去给她看。”
“She said you should bring her the baby.”
“你们现在在做什么？”
“What are you doing now?”
“尼诺和医生再待一会儿，我要走了。”
“Nino is still with the doctors, I’m
going.”
“你走吧，谢谢，不要太累了。”
“Go, yes, thank you, don’t get tired.”
“他马上给你打电话。”
“He’ll phone as soon as he can.”
“好吧。”
“O.K.”
“不要着急，不然就没奶水了。”
“And stay calm, otherwise your milk won’t
come.”
她提到奶水的事情，对我来说很管用。我坐在伊马可拉塔的摇篮旁边，就好像挨着孩子，就能保证我奶水充足。女人的身体到底是什么？我滋养了肚子里的孩子，现在我把她生出来，她也要接着吃我的奶水。我想，我以前也曾经在我母亲的肚子里，也吃了她的奶。她的乳房和我的一样大，或者比我的更大。在我母亲生病之前，我父亲还会用一种猥亵的语气，影射那对乳房。我从来都没见到过我母亲不戴文胸的样子，一年四季，她都把自己包得严严实实的，因为那条病腿，她很不自信，掩藏自己的身体。无论如何，一杯酒下肚之后，她就会变得比我父亲更厚颜无耻，会炫耀自己的美貌，纯粹是装模作样。这时候电话又响了，我跑去接，又是莉拉打来的电话，她的语气很仓促。
That allusion to the milk helped me. I
sat next to Immacolata’s cradle as if her nearness could preserve my swollen
breasts. What was the body of a woman: I had nourished my daughter in the
womb, now that she was out she was nourished by my breast. I thought, there
was a moment when I, too, had been in my mother’s womb, had sucked at her
breast. A breast as big as mine, or maybe even bigger. Until shortly before
my mother got sick my father had often alluded obscenely to that bosom. I had
never seen her without a bra, in any stage of her life. She had always
concealed herself, she didn’t trust her body because of the leg. Yet at the
first glass of wine she would counter my father’s obscenities with words just
as coarse in which she boasted of her attractions, an exhibition of
shamelessness that was pure show. The telephone rang again and I hurried to
answer. It was Lila again, now she had a curt tone.
“这里很糟糕，莱农。”
“There’s trouble here, Lenù.”
“她病情加重了？”
“Is she worse?”
“没有，医生很平静，但马尔切洛来了，他在发神经。”
“No, the doctors are confident. But
Marcello showed up and he’s acting crazy.”
“马尔切洛？这和马尔切洛有什么关系？”
“Marcello? What does Marcello have to do
with it?”
“我不知道。”
“I don’t know.”
“你把电话给他。”
“Let me talk to him.”
“等一下，他在和尼诺吵架。”
“Wait, he’s arguing with Nino.”
我马上就听出了电话那边传来马尔切洛用方言说话的声音，声音很大，很粗暴，还有尼诺说意大利语的声音，尼诺的声音很刺耳，那是他失控时的声音。我很焦急地说：
I recognized in the background Marcello’s
thick voice, loaded with dialect, and Nino’s, in good Italian, but strident,
which happened when he lost his temper.
“告诉尼诺不要生气，让他赶紧走吧。”
“Tell Nino to forget it, in fact send him
away.”
莉拉没有回答，我听见她也加入了一场我不了解的争吵。她用方言在嚷嚷：“你他妈说什么呢，马尔切！滚开吧，滚吧。”然后她对着我喊道：“你和那混蛋说说，拜托了，你们商量一个方案，我不想卷进来。”我远远听见他们争吵的声音。过了几秒，我听见了马尔切洛的声音。他尽量用一种客气的声音对我说，埃莉莎交代他了，不让我们的母亲待在医院里，他去那里，就是要把我们的母亲接出去，带到卡波迪蒙特一家漂亮的诊所里。他用一种严肃的语气问我，就好像真的要得到我的认可：
Lila didn’t answer, I heard her join a
discussion that I was ignorant of and then suddenly shout in dialect: What
the fuck are you saying, Marcè, go fuck yourself, get out. Then she shouted
at me: Talk to this shit, please, you two come to an agreement, I don’t want
to get involved. Distant voices. After a few seconds Marcello came to the
phone. He said, trying to assume a polite tone, that Elisa had insisted that
we not leave our mother in the hospital and that he had come to get her and
take her to a nice clinic in Capodimonte. He asked as if he seriously sought
my permission:
“我做得对吗？你说，我是不是应该这么做？”
“Am I right? Tell me if I’m right.”
“你平静一下。”
“Calm down.”
“我很平静，莱农，你是在私人诊所里生的孩子，埃莉莎也是在诊所生的，为什么你母亲要死在这个地方？”
“I’m calm, Lenù. But you gave birth in a
clinic, Elisa gave birth in a clinic: why should your mother die here?”
我有些不安地说：
I said uneasily:
“那些给她治病的医生在那家医院工作。”
“The doctors who are taking care of her
work there.”
他变得很凶恶，他在我面前，从来都没有这样过：
He became aggressive as he had never been
toward me:
“哪里有钱，医生就在哪里。谁说了算，你、莉娜还是那个混蛋？”
“The doctors are where the money is.
Who’s in charge here, you, Lina, or that shit?”
“这不是谁说了算的问题。”
“It’s not a question of being in charge.”
“就是看谁说了算，你要么告诉你的朋友，我把她带到卡波迪蒙特，要么我撕破他们谁的脸皮，最终还是要把她转走。”
“Yes, it is. Either tell your friends
that I can take her to Capodimonte or I’ll break someone’s face and take her
all the same.”
“把电话给莉娜。”我说。
“Give me Lina,” I said.
那时候，我的太阳穴在跳，我站都站不稳了。我说，你问问尼诺，我母亲现在能不能转移，让他问问医生，然后打电话给我。我挂上电话后，觉得束手无策，一直在那儿搓手。
I had trouble standing up, my temples
were pounding. I said: Ask Nino if my mother can be moved, make him talk to
the doctors, then call me back. I hung up wringing my hands, I didn’t know
what to do.
过了几分钟，电话又响了，是尼诺。
A few minutes went by and the phone rang
again. It was Nino.
“莱农，你让这畜生不要乱来，否则我要叫警察了。”
“Lenù, control that beast, otherwise I’ll
call the police.”
“你有没有问医生，我母亲能不能转院？”
“Did you ask the doctors if my mother can
be moved?”
“不是能不能转院的问题。”
“No, she can’t be moved.”
“尼诺，你到底问了没有？她不愿意待在医院里的。”
“Nino, did you ask or not? She doesn’t
want to stay in the hospital.”
“那些私人诊所更恶心。”
“Private clinics are even more
disgusting.”
“我知道，但你要平静下来。”
“I know, but calm down.”
“我非常平静。”
“I’m perfectly calm.”
“好吧，那你马上回家。”
“All right, but come home now.”
“这里呢？”
“And here?”
“有莉娜在那里呢。”
“Lina will take care of it.”
“不能让莉娜一个人面对那个混蛋。”
“I can’t leave Lina with that guy.”
我抬高了声音：
I raised my voice:
“莉娜会照顾自己。我现在站都站不住了，孩子在哭，我要给她换尿布。我让你马上回来。”
“Lina can take care of herself. I can’t
stand up, the baby’s crying, I have to bathe her. I told you, come home right
now.”
我把电话挂上了。
I hung up.
