想要积极地改变我们的生活，关键之一在于：不仅能知何事当做，而且能真正行其所知。

        知与行之间有着重要的区别。虽然我们通常必须先知之，然后才能行之，但假如我们只知之而不行之，那改变就不会发生。

        我们都有过这样的经验：我们知道不该吃太多冰激凌，但还是吃了；我们知道该坚持运动，但我们没有；我们知道不该向孩子大吼大叫，但还是这样做了。

        行其所知需要努力和练习。在我们很不想早起锻炼的时候，依然早起锻炼，这是不容易做到的。在我们觉得孩子在故意对我们不理不睬、不礼貌时，要制止自己对孩子大吼大叫，这更是不容易的。

        我们常常知道做什么才是正确的，但是要让我们真的去做，或者让自己不去做错误的事，却是困难的。有时，这是因为我们不知道具体该怎么做；有时，是因为我们知而不行；有时，是因为我们没能管理好情绪（参考策略32），以至于让情感控制了行为（参考策略11）.

        归根结底，我们需要知道得做什么，我们需要知道怎么去做，然后我们还需要做到我们所知道的。这是改变的三个步骤。

        试试这个：如果你觉得自己需要改变，无论是教养孩子或者其他方面，你需要问自己以下问题来找出你需要关注的地方。

1.我是否知道做什么和怎样做？

例如，假如你的孩子不愿意刷牙，你知道如何应对这个问题吗（要以非强制、非惩罚的方式）？

2.我是否知道要做什么以及如何去做，但却没有将所知付诸行动？

        这种惰性常常是因为我们是习惯的动物，我们难以改变自己对类似情景的反应。要问问自己：要把所知付诸行动，需要什么条件？

        例如，假如你知道如何以不唠叨、不吼叫的方式（这本书会教你如何做到）去回应孩子，你是学以致用，还是依然以旧的行为模式去回应孩子？

        套用亨利·福特的话：如果你重复旧的行为，便只能得到旧的结果。要改变你的生活，你必须拿出不同的行动。

2

Great parents

do what they know

ONE OF THE keys to creating positive change in our lives is not just knowing what to do, but in actually doing what we know.

The difference between knowing and doing is a critical one. While we generally cannot “do” without first knowing how to do it, if we know but do not act on what we know, change will not happen.

All of us have experienced examples of this: We know we shouldn’t eat a whole carton of ice cream, but we do it anyway. We know we should exercise regularly, but we don’t. We know we shouldn’t yell at our kids, but we do.

Doing what we know takes both effort and practice. It is not easy to get up and go exercise when we really don’t feel like doing it. It’s definitely not easy to stop ourselves from yelling when it seems like our kids are ignoring us or being disrespectful.

We often know what is the right thing to do, but it can be difficult to bring ourselves to do it (or not to do what we want to avoid). Sometimes this is because we don’t know exactly how to do what we know, and sometimes it’s because we aren’t taking the final step into action. Sometimes it’s because we aren’t yet skilled at emotion regulation (see #32), so our feelings dictate our actions (see #11).

Ultimately, we need to know what to do, we need to know how to do it, and then we need to do what we know. This is the three-step recipe for change.

TRY THIS: If you find yourself needing to create change, whether in your parenting life or elsewhere, ask yourself these questions to pinpoint where you need to focus:

1. Knowing what and how: Is this an issue of my not knowing what to do or how to do it?

For example, if your child is refusing to brush his teeth, do you know how to address this situation (in a way that isn’t forceful—e.g., holding him down while you brush his teeth—or punitive)?

2. Doing it: Am I feeling stuck because I know what to do and how to do it, but I’m not yet putting that knowledge into practice?

This inertia often happens because we tend to be creatures of habit, so it’s difficult to change our response to familiar situations. Ask yourself: What needs to happen in order for me to translate my knowledge into action?

For example, if you know how to get your children to be responsive without nagging or yelling (this book will show you how), are you putting these ideas into practice or are you still responding with old patterns of behavior?

To paraphrase Henry Ford: If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. To create change in your life, you must do something differently.