Two days ago on the way back home from church i was riding the subway with several brothers and sisters. it happened such an incidents. I'd like to describe this incidents and try to analyze it, to see if there is a point to make about parents not pushing or even forcing your child into doing something that should happen natural giving it time or patience or right kind of teaching and support and love.
I hate to disappoint people and whenever i do i feel like every one around me is disappointed and they look down on me, saying why can not you be good? why can not you work harder? why can not you learn from others? and immediately the image of myself shrinks at the moment, like i am much smaller a person in front of everyone, and i feel down, i try to retreat to somewhere less harmful, as in not talking to anybody, not engaging in any conversation, seeming like being alone in the crowd, like a loner in a crowd.
Before i got on the subway with my church mates, my spirit is not high, i just got out of several days' depressed feelings. holiday pressure, pressure living with my parents and brothers, and pressures of work, almost a month in a row not getting away from work and reenergizing, i need a lot of time being alone to be energized. and at the church, i dont like pastor's teaching, so the spirit is still low, i can only smile gently or not able to talk to anyone. And Another stressor came over trying to talk to everyone where i was standing with. i was trying to do small talk with others, but stressor came over, i felt like my heart was so fragile, i could not talk at all. so i silenced myself, and left the 3-4 people crowd. and i felt everyone is looking down on my, and it hurt me so much so that i hate them that they dont love me as my sisters and brothers.
i used to got forced into greeting and being nice to anyone i met, my mom would do that if i dont, she became very mean, i got scared of that feeling. language problem, other problems, so i could get into it and express it clearly.but i know i am scared and i hate her for doing that.
till this day i carry this pattern. that is why you should do that to a child if you were a parent.
