Ever tried, ever failed. No matter, try again. Fail again, fail better.
I had so many dreams of where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be, and what to do. you have your own story to tell. Theather companies i wanted to start with classmates. Movies, i wanted to be in. Director i wanted to work with. Stories, i needed to tell.
I packed the life that i knew with socks and a tooth brush into my backpack. And i slept on couch, after couch, after couch, after couch at friend's apartment in New York, until i worn out the rent paying roommates' welcome.
I didn't want a day job. I was an actor. I was a writer. I had to get a day job. I dusted pianos at a piano store on Whitlow Street for five months. I worked on the property of a Shakespeare scholar for a year, pulling weeds and removing bees'nests. I went on unemployment once, but for not a long, i couldn't handle the guilt. Eventually i was able to pay rent for a spot on the floor of an apartment on the Lower East side. But my roommate had a breakdown and disappeared. I helped hang paintings at galleries, paintings that inspire you to think, i could do that. And the finally, after two years of job and couch surfing, i got a job, in application processing.
As a data enterer, at a place called Professional Examination Service. And i stayed for six years. Six years! From the age of 23 to 29, well they loved me there. I was funny. I smoked in the loading docks with the guys from the mail room, and we shared how hung-over we all were. I called in sick almost every Friday because i was out late the night before. I hate that job. And i clung to that job. Because of that job, i could afford my own place. My dream of running a theather company with my friend and fellow Bennington graduate, Ian Bell had died.
I had only the one window. I myself could not look out the window. It was quite high. No acting agent. When i was 29, i told myself, the next acting job i get no matter what it pays, i will from now on for better or worse, be a working actor.
But something good happened, i got a little pink theater job in a play called Imperfect Love, which led to a firm called 13 Moons with the same writer. Which led to other roles. Which led to other roles. And i've worked as an actor ever since.
I didn't know that would happen. At 29, walking away from date processing, i was terrified. Ten years in a place without heat. Six years at a job i felt stuck in. Maybe i was afraid of change. Are you? But this made me very hungry. Literally. I couldn't be lazy. I couldn't be. And so at 29, at a very long last, i was in the company of actors and directors. I'd sought out that first year, that first year after school. I was, i am by their side.
Raise the rest of your life to meet you. Don't search for defining moments, because they will never come. The moments that define you have already happened. And they will already happen again. And it passes so quickly, so please bring each other along with you.
You just get a bit derailed. But soon, something starts to happen. Trust me, the rhythm set in. Just try not to wait until like me, you're 29 before you find it. And if you are, that's fine too. Some of us never find it. But you will, i promise you. You are already here. You'll find your rhythm or continue the one you have already found. Don't wait until they tell you are ready. Get in there, sing.
The world might say you are not allowed yet. I waited a long time out in the world before i gave myself permission to fail. Please, don't eveb bother asking, don't bother telling the world you are ready. Show it, do it.
What did Becketl say? “Ever tried, ever failed. No matter, try again. Fail again, fail better.” We burn very brightly. please don't ever stop. The world is yours. Treat everyone kindly and light up the night.
Maybe i was afraid of change. Are you?
