I thought I was a little crazy going on a road trip of thousands of miles on my own. It turns out I am not crazy at all. As I listen to podcasts on my road trip, I find out solitude and road trips are very common devices for people who feel somewhat stuck in their current lives, whether it is a cancer survivor who was coping with the other end of survival – instead of being normal, there were endless health struggles, and who went to meet 22 strangers across the country who had to confront with their own mortality, or an entrepreneur who just cashed out of his venture and was at a loss for a new direction and went on an expedition in Europe for over a year, or the author of Sapiens, a historian who delved deep into human history and protected at least 2 hours of meditation time alone every day just to breathe, or a billionaire/philanthropist who was religious in his annual 3-day retreat alone to ponder about life. Indeed, we all need our time alone, get away and just let be. We may not be able to afford a year-long “Eat, Pray, and Love” journey, but a mini version could just be the most effective anti depressant. And my version is my solo road trip of peace, love and happiness.

Peace is the first thing I found on this trip. I used to relentlessly check the news every day, see what is happening around the world, how my stocks are doing, and how the Corona virus is affecting my community and other countries. It made me feel plugged in, but it also created anxiety, a compulsive urge to check my phone every 5 minutes as if I would be left out if I didn’t. This road trip is the opposite of that. Driving through many areas with no cell signals, I was forced to unplug, to be just with myself. Miraculously, I was just fine. I did not even feel lonely. Rather, I felt more connected to the world. Connected to myself, how I feel, what I want, what makes me happy; connected to the interviewees on the podcasts who came from such diverse backgrounds and yet they shared many parts of the journey I’m going through; connected to nature, how magnificent it is, how much I was oblivious to its magic; connected even to the ancestors who came before me, who, to my amazement, built the roads that enabled my smooth road trip, whom installed the signs on various trails, anticipating someday, someone just like me, would need directions at a crossroad. How thoughtful they were!

I only turned on TV once during the trip, and only because my hotel room came with a gigantic TV that was too tempting to ignore. The news on CNN was someone broke into the cockpit forcing the plane to do an emergency landing. It was such a sharp contrast to the world that I was experiencing I immediately turned the TV off. I did not want the sensationalist reporting to disturb my peace.

I even learned to let go. At work, I replied to the emails with simple “thank you”s, resisting the urge to add a paragraph of Sally’s 2 cents. Do I really have anything valuable to contribute or is it my ego asserting itself? Do my colleagues really want my opinion or are they merely seeking approval? Having observed the impact of my abbreviated emails, I have to say my team and my company are operating just fine without Sally’s 2 cents. It’s a wonderful feeling when I realized that I did not feel hurt by that, but rather, somewhat relieved, detached, and at peace with myself.

And that leads to my second enlightenment on this trip – love. Love is first and foremost, self-love. As little girls growing up, we have been so conditioned to expect a prince charming will come along and salvage our miserable lives. But more and more, I’m finding love is my own responsibility – no one will love someone who does not love him or herself. And if you radiate love, love will beget love.

Another thing I heard on the podcast is your quality of life is really determined by the voice in your head, because that is the voice you hear 80%, 90% of the time. Imagine that as the roommate that you can never get rid of. Is that roommate annoying, sad, or positive and joyous? For awhile now, my roommate has been telling me that my life has reached stalemate. I have achieved what I dreamed of, or what my parents, the society have dreamed of for me. But I am not happy. What do you want, my roommate keeps nagging me. “Is this it? If you want more, why are you so afraid to imagine what that is, and give it a try?”

But during the road trip, my roommate has been very kind to me. She is proud of me. “It’s a baby step,” she understands. But success is the feeling of fulfillment, of invincibility, of inspiration when no one is watching, like the moment I drove on the breathtaking Oregon California highway, high up on the cliff with the ocean right below me, my hands are still sweating, but I was able to marvel at the scenery from the corner of my eyes. I even made spontaneous stops to take pictures. And every picture I took, I whispered to myself: You made it! Soak it in! Or the moment I started to wonder if I was lost in the deep forest at the Redwood National Park, but I trusted my instincts and marched on. And the most amazing thing happened – as I exited the forest trail onto an open prairie, I spotted a wild elk, standing elegantly and defiantly all by herself. It was just her and me. No one else. For a minute, we locked eyes. And then I slowly took out my iPhone and took a picture. She did not flinch. She simply watched as I walked on. My heart was filled with a sense of wonder and divinity. Or the moment I told the clerk at the winery about my road trip, she was so inspired that she swore she would go on one on her own and make a toast to Sally.

It’s ok to not have an answer, my roommate told me. No one has an answer. But it’s important to keep seeking for that truth, that beauty, that love, for yourself, for the world, and for life.

And if there is one thing that I’m most proud of on this trip, it is I found my family. My cousin is 10 years younger than me so growing up we have not been that close. It was kind of presumptive of me to go visit him in Oregon, but my risk-taking paid off. An entrepreneur who just started his own business, a dad with two young kids, and the good Southern Chinese boy he is, he also did cooking and most of the household chores, so it’s an understatement that my cousin leads a busy life. Despite all that, he invited me to stay in his house and spent time with me. And we connected instantly. The age gap might have been a huge barrier when we were young, but now that we are both middle aged, we find we share quite a lot in common –we were both the only child; same family drama which we both did not like and escaped; we went to the same oppressive high school which was a good training ground but oppressive nevertheless, which we again escaped; and finally we came to the US and built our own homes here, only to find we have a void for the extended family life. In our aloneness, we yearned for family connection and yet we never reached out. Now that we found each other, we decided to connect with the two other cousins in the US, form a family group on WeChat, and even start a tradition of family reunion every year.

I’m the big sister in the whole bunch (the other two cousins are almost twenty years younger than me) and they have always looked up to me as the role model who was the first one in the family to come to the US. But I never did anything for them – other than an abstract story their parents tell them so they can behave. Truth be told, I was struggling for survival most of the time. I had no bandwidth or capacity to help or love others. But it’s never too late…

And that leads me to happiness. Happiness is such a subjective feeling. For some people, it’s a big house, a big pay check, for others, it’s personal accomplishment, recognition, and family. I have wanted all of those things in my life and they have absolutely given me happiness, however ephemeral. But one thing that has been a constant is my sense of curiosity, my insatiable appetite to see more, know more, and experience more. Happiness to me is the moment of wonder when I experience something I’ve never experienced before, the moment of pride when I accomplish something I never thought possible, and the anticipation that life is of infinite possibilities and I have the freedom to do it all.

Tomorrow will be my last stop, Paso Robles, which is not far from my first stop Morro Bay. I remember that first 5-hour drive which felt like forever and how much I doubted myself, the thought of giving up crossing my mind several times. I’m sure glad I did not, because a mere two weeks later, I feel almost like a new person, empowered and revitalized. I am overcome with a sense of peace, love, and happiness, knowing “Everything is going to be ok in the end. And if it is not ok, it’s not the end.”