我只能借借月光
读过The Moon and Sixpence《月亮和六便士》之后挺闹心。一开始也弄不清自己纠结什么，但肯定还谈不及理想与现实。所以中英文读过之后，又跟着感觉划出书中描述思特里克兰德的怪异与作品的语句，这才梳理出症结。我所困惑的是：思特里克兰德的理想或者信仰的根源。其实，这是对艺术本质与天才个性联系的疑问；也是现实中的小我迷茫。
思特里克兰德既卑鄙又伟大，既残酷又热爱。因为他属于人类，复杂又微妙。
而思特里克兰德是人类的异种。
他在中年，像魔鬼附体一般，抛弃了平静的家庭生活，舍弃了优越的社会地位，去追求绘画理想。他挣脱了安全又舒适的社会机体，直立行走于环境之外。他不算是合格的社会寄生人。
There was just that shadowiness about them which you find in people whose lives are part of the social organism,so that they exist in it and by it only. They are like cells in the body, essential, but, so long as they remain healthy, engulfed in the momentous whole.~Chapter 8
他丝毫不耽于生活的舒适安乐，不在意贫穷饥饿，甚至连疾病也不以为然。在塔希提岛，他将自己强烈的个性，将生命倾注于理想的追逐。他的精神，他的信仰完完全全属于他自己。他又算是最纯粹，野蛮的人类物种。
He could never endure a foreign yoke. i believed him capable of uprooting from his heart ,though it might be with agony , so that he was left battered and ensanguined anything that came between himself and that uncomprehended craving that urged him constantly to he knew not what.~Chapter 30
正因如此，思特里克兰德丝毫不限囿于世俗美的桎梏。他不在乎画地歪七扭八，他不在乎现实获得的经验。他要的是他心灵的意念。是记忆的一种创造。
‘‘Children. How can you care for the opinion of the crowd, when you don't care twopence for the opinion of the individual?"~Chapter 21
正因如此，思特里克兰德虔诚的是：表达自己内心的重大意义和感受。那是在纷杂事物掩藏下的眼睛以外的东西。
He did not hesitate to simplify or to distort if he could get nearer to that unknown thing he sought. Facts were nothing to him, for beneath the mass of irrelevant incidents He looked for something signigicant to himself. It was as though he had become aware of the soul of the universe and were compelled to express it.~Chapter 42
正因如此，思特里克兰德只与自己较劲。他的心魔折磨着他的灵魂，所以他必须冒险，必须画画，哪怕遍体鳞伤以求得片刻安宁。画画是他驱逐心魔，求得生存的唯一方式。他只与自己较劲，他征服的是自己……理解了这一点，就不会对他让爱塔烧毁他的奇异惊世杰作而诧异了！
"I think Strickland knew it was a masterpiece. He had achieved what he wanted. His life was completed. He had made a world and saw that it was good. Then, in pride and contempt, he destroyed it."~Chapter 57
我很好奇以思特里克兰德个性倾注出的惊异杰作是什么样子。我没有敏锐的感觉和丰富的想象力，更没有经历过他认识自己，表达自己的痛苦的折磨。所以，只能查找思特里克兰德的原型高更的画来直观地感受一种原始性。
It was not only the bold simplification of the drawing which showed so rich and so singular a personality; it was not only the painting, though the flesh was painted with a passionate sensuality which had in it something miraculous ; it was not only the solidity, but also you felt extraordinarily the weight of the body; there was also a spirituality, troubling and new, which led the imagination along unsuspected ways , and suggested dim empty spaces, lit only by the eternal stars, where the soul, all naked, adventured fearful to the discobery of new mysteries.~Chapter39
他的画作线条简单大胆。实体感的肉体强烈，带有奇妙的情欲，有一种纯精神的性质，使你感到不安，新奇的精神。把你的幻想引向前所未经的路径，朦胧的世界。那里为探索新奇的神秘只有永恒的星辰在照耀，你感到灵魂一无牵挂，正经历着各种恐怖和冒险。
虽然我们有各种美妙的,深奥的事情要说，却只能局限于会话手册上那几句陈腐，平庸的话。~《月亮和六便士》
