《快乐只是坚持和一种意志而已》
我从来不曾相信快乐这回事。作为一个焦虑的人，我从来更看重心情的平和。但过去的一个月，我发现我不小心碰上了快乐，而这里是我所学到的：这其实并不关乎美好结局，或者人们是怎么对待你。快乐其实是种不能妥协、费尽心思才能得到的生活方式。
我在2014年确诊患有乳腺癌后，我有很多东西让我不快乐：失去乳房，我的头发，也可能失去我的生育能力，以及我整整一年的生命。但疾病把所有的事情都聚焦到了一点。世界上只有两种状态：活着，或者另一种。当面临的是另一种状态，前者就显得美妙极了，不管境况有多糟糕。
这个经验教会了我，即便有那么多东西我们不能控制，“快乐”是一件你可以控制的事。快乐不是一种感觉，而是一种取向。这是一种主动的，生活的法则，用百万种微小的方式，去坚持着度过屎一样的境遇。没错，这个方式意味着，在没有真的感受到快乐之前，你要花很多时候假装快乐。但那才是最重要的一部分。
用一个公式让自己感到快乐，这可能听起来有点反直觉。但我们不能控制其他的人和事，甚至我们自己对人生种种遭遇的反应和情绪都会变。所以，要用纪律，策略，和刻意来控制你能控制的。
- 希望是可以被管理的
我有意地选择相信爱，尽管不时我会觉得拒绝和失望无穷无尽。我决定这周二会是有史以来最好的周二，尽管我吃的抗癌药已经让我整整六个月没法在晚上睡着了。我试着每天跑步，因为——不管它是否有益健康或者消耗卡路里——我知道我跑完后会感觉好一些。
- 改变可以是策略上的
我也并不是顽固不化，毕竟生活的唯一常态就是，不论好坏，它永远不是你期待的那样。通过愿意改变自己想要的、想成为的，你才能穿行于生活的不可预知里。
20出头时，我把大部分的社交能量花在了与男性社交上，所有的这些关系都比我想象得短暂。大概25岁，我有意地做出了决定，要和女性有更好的关系。如今，我收获了我的奖励。许许多多新的、重要的人们进入了我的生活，而且，一些我曾以为并不重要的人，在我生活中占据了重要得多的角色。尽管我从未找到我的伴侣，我认为我同样可以获得一个充实的生活，通过热爱身边这群美妙的人们：我的朋友。
- 乐趣可以意味着不当那个最受欢迎的人
对快乐的追求有时会误导人；它遮蔽了你内心的声音，你细微的动力，也遮蔽了你从同辈和父母期待里看清自己的能力。把期待放在一旁，赶紧的，这样你就能做你真正喜欢的事。
尤其对女性来说，被社会压力和集体期待驯服去做「应该做的」，实在是太容易了。周五晚上我大多去健身房或者独自看电影，而不是去约会或者喝酒。我学着去评估自己大大小小的选择，去确保我正在做的是我真正想做的。为此感到舒服和自信，即便你的选择不酷或者不受欢迎。这对每日的满足很有帮助。
这需要一点时间去找到那个讯号，那个告诉你「什么是真正重要」的讯号。但这个讯号，值得你跟随。
英文原文：
In your 30s, you’ll discover happiness is just persistence and sheer will
I’ve never believed in happiness. As an anxious person, I’ve always valued peace more. But last month, it occurred to me that I’d stumbled upon happiness anyway, and here’s what I learned in doing so: It’s not about good endings or how people treat you. Happiness is an uncompromising, calculated approach to life.
After I was diagnosed with breast cancer early in 2014, I had a lot to be unhappy about: losing my breasts, my hair, possibly my fertility, and what felt like a year of my life. But the illness put things into sharp focus. There were really only two states of being: alive or not. When faced with the latter, the former felt fantastic, no matter the conditions.
The experience taught me that, despite all of the circumstances in life we can’t control, “happiness” is one thing you can. Happiness is not a feeling, but an orientation. It is an active approach to life, in a million small ways, that insists on persevering through shitty circumstances. Sure, this approach means that much of the time, you’re faking happiness before you feel it. But that’s when it’s most important.
It may sound counter-intuitive to have a formula for feeling good. But we can’t control other people or events, and even our emotions and reactions to life’s vicissitudes are variable. So be disciplined, strategic, and deliberate with what you can control.
- Hope can be disciplined
I choose to believe in love in spite of what, at times, has felt like endless rejection and disappointment. I decide that this Tuesday will be the best Tuesday ever, even though the medicine I have to take to prevent a recurrence of cancer has prevented me from sleeping through the night for nearly six months now. I try to run every day because, regardless of the health benefits, or the calories burned, I know that I will feel better for just having done it.
- Change can be strategic
But I’m not inflexible—after all, the only constant thing in life is that it’s never what you expect it to be—both bad and good. Navigate that unpredictability by being willing to change course from what you think you want or need.
In my early 20s, I spent the majority of my social energy focused on relationships with men, all of which were more fleeting than I had hoped. Around the age of 25, I made a concerted effort to cultivate better relationships with women. Now I’m reaping the rewards. A multitude of new and important people have entered my life—and often, the people I had expected to be minor players have taken on significant roles. Even if I never find a partner, I think I could be fulfilled spending my life loving this amazing cast of characters I call my friends.
- Fun can mean being the unpopular one
The pursuit of happiness can be misleading; it clouds your inner voice, your nuanced motivations, and ability to see yourself as an individual distinct from your parents and peers. Toss it aside, swiftly, so that you can do what you really enjoy.
It’s all too easy, especially for women, to be swayed by social pressures and the hold of the collective “shoulds.” Most Friday nights I go to the gym or see a movie by myself instead of going on dates or out for happy hours. I have learned to take stock of my choices, big and small, to make sure I’m doing exactly what I want. Feeling comfortable and confident about that, even when your choice is uncool or unpopular goes a long way in daily contentment.
It takes a little while to locate that signal, the one that tells you what really matters to you. But it’s a signal worth following.
