策略六：伟大的父母练习共情
共情也许是父母能够掌握的最有效的工具，而且它随时能用。如果你没有其他办法，就试试共情吧。共情的力量在于让别人感到被理解，而被理解的感觉可以化解不愉快的情境和权力之争。
我们的情绪常常会压到理性，此时共情能够正面地影响情绪。因此，在讲道理没有用的时候，共情常常能够起效果。
当我们练习共情时，我们展示了对孩子的尊重，包括尊重孩子的情感及其对事实的认知（孩子对事实的认知常跟我们的不一致；请参考策略8）。这显示了我们在认真倾听，我们能理解或至少在努力去理解他们的观点。
共情具有一种力量，它能够避开或者解除权力之争（请参考策略61）。共情还能够创造一个安全的情绪空间，让我们的孩子去体验诸如被拒绝、失望等难受的情绪。
请注意，练习共情不需要强迫你去改变或者处理事情。这两者之间有着重要的区别。比如，当你儿子对系安全带感到不适，不愿意系上时，你可以对他的感觉表达共情，但你不需要解开他的安全带。你只需要真正地理解他的感觉，并且把它讲出来，加以确认（请参考策略32）。
试试这个：下次当你遇到教养问题时，以共情开始，关注感受。这真的很有效（对成人也一样有效）。
“我知道你恨不得马上能去蒂姆家，我明白你因为还要再等而沮丧（承认感受）。我也不喜欢要等很久才能做很想做的事情（确认感受）。”
要注意，表达共情时若要对孩子产生最好的影响，你需要展现出对孩子体验的深刻理解，所以，像“我知道”或者“我能理解你的沮丧”这样的话，虽然方向是正确的，但是效果不像具体展示出来那么好。
例如，“我能明白你为什么这么生气和失望。我昨天告诉你今天放学后要带你去游泳，但是我太晚来接你以至不能去了。你一整天都在盼着游泳，但是却没有去成。”
练习共情除了能够展示出你理解孩子对世界的特别体验外，还能够帮助你的孩子学会去想象别人的观点和感受。这是一项对人际关系非常重要的技能，它是幸福和成功的基石。
要做到这一点，你可以问类似于“你认为当某事发生（或你做了某事）时，某某有什么感受吗？”这样的问题，或者跟孩子谈论你的感受（例如，“当你忘了晚饭后帮忙收拾时，我觉得很不好受，因为我觉得你没有感谢我为做法付出的时间。”）
6
Great parents
practice empathy
EMPATHY MAY BE the single most powerful tool that all parents have, and it’s always available. If you don’t know what else to do, try empathy. The power of empathy is the power to make someone else feel understood, and that feeling can diffuse any number of otherwise unpleasant situations and power struggles.*
Empathy positively harnesses the power of our emotions, which can easily overtake our reasoning. This is why empathy often works when reasoning fails. (See also #49.)
When we practice empathy with our kids, we show respect for their feelings and their reality (which are often different from ours; see #8). It shows that we are really listening and that we understand (or at least are trying to understand) their point of view.
Empathy has the power to sidestep or diffuse power struggles (see #61). Empathy also creates a safe place, emotionally, for our kids to experience hard feelings, like rejection or disappointment.
Please note that practicing empathy does not oblige you to change or fix anything about the situation. This is an important distinction. For example, you can offer empathy for your son’s frustration at having to wear a seat belt that he finds uncomfortable, without the need to take the seat belt off. You are simply reflecting the feelings you are noticing with genuine understanding, and validating them. (See also #32.)
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TRY THIS: The next time you are presented with a parenting challenge of any kind, start with empathy and focus on feelings. It really works (with adults, too).
For instance, your child is getting upset because he has to finish his chores before he can go to a friend’s house. Instead of responding by reminding him of why this is so (that is, instead of reasoning with him), begin your response by reflecting his feelings with sincere empathy. We all know what it’s like not to have things go our way.
“I know you’re upset about having to wait to go to Tim’s house. I can see why you would feel frustrated (acknowledge feelings). I don’t like it either when I have to wait to do something I’m looking forward to (validate feelings).”
Note that expressing empathy will have the most impact when you demonstrate a deep understanding of your child’s experience, so statements like “I get it” or “I understand you’re upset,” while a move in the right direction, will not be as powerful as really showing that you get it.
For example: “I can see why you’d be angry and disappointed. I told you yesterday that we would go swimming after school today and then I picked you up too late to go. You were looking forward to swimming all day and then it didn’t happen.”
In addition to showing empathy for your kids’ unique way of experiencing the world, practicing empathy also means that you help kids learn how to imagine other people’s perspectives and feelings. This is an essential life skill for maintaining good relationships, which are a cornerstone of happiness and success.
You can do this by asking kids questions like “How do you think _________ felt when that happened / you did that?” and also by talking about your feelings in a reflective way (e.g., “When you don’t help clean up after dinner without being reminded, I feel frustrated because it seems that the time I spend cooking isn’t appreciated.”)
