June 30th, 2022
For an entire month, I have fallen into the same pattern of depression, losing motivation to do everything and yet I cannot identify the cause. I simply immersed myself in the emotions, desolation and apathy. It felt daja vu, something I experienced years or months ago.
I told my therapist how my mood swings throughout the days and how long I need to sleep to stop myself thinking. We both reviewed things happened in the past months and finally found out the reason.
I always feel deserted and getting unanswered, being separated from my parents, best friends, loved ones and even my students at different stages of my life. The sense of insecurity hangs over every part of my life. I am afraid of being unwanted and ignored. I was like a black hole, never feeling secure and having to look for confirmation all the time. I know that they care about me but I still cannot stop asking them the same question over and over again. “Do you care about me?”They always say yes. But I still feel anxious that they would leave me. Such thoughts overwhelm me so much that I would just ask them to leave me alone because such detachment would then confirm that I am left out, which is a quick sign of relief, saving all those painful and uncertain thoughts.
Separation anxiety hasn’t been easy for me, which is a process of struggling with myself. It is like a weighing scale. One side of it makes me feel insecure and the other side is responsible for reassuring myself. I know it sounds stupid and even hilarious but it is indeed how I live my life and deal with relationship with everyone.
The problem is that I always look for sense of security from outside world, relying on people around me. I don’t have confidence in myself that I deserve all the care and love that I get. Instead, I presume I have to work hard to earn everything I want, which is why I always fall into the same pitfall again and again, mistreating myself that I do not deserved to be loved.
How can I be cared and loved if I never learn to love and treat myself in the right way?
