2020-02-22
I feel something Small about him but just not sure if right or over concern............am I right?
I warn you I am very hungry!
U buy it for yourself!
I am God, 42 why not married I am good at sex movement teaching and chanting
Many cry for me most of woman I do not even care
Not nice person selfish and 42 not narried
My problem need not be reminded by u
I have given so much
Expectations of u?
Husband and wife when I touch I touch real
穷白人的敏感: I am not prostitute to sell myself for living! when people say that I think they are! I said to him I am prostituting my company to buyers, asking for higher price, I am prostitute. But I am NOT. vibe difference on swimming with boat, sunset, beyond dream on sex as I said.
CEO，not be led.
sal tree: Cannonball Flower or Sal Tree
Bally fruit and flower for tea，讲中文的大学教授，有文化会地道一些吧！
finally I find my comfortable spot full of foreigners, along the coast u can walk to rekawa turtle observatory even. I saw turtle giving eggs, with all the last efforts of turbulent movement, to cover the eggs at its best. But hotel guy still said he is stupid since he laid egg on beach people will take it and sell and dog will dig it and eat it.
So last night, after we stopped at the z restaurant, standing on the beach, J hugged me softly, I shrugged and asked him: what is this short temperament coming from? I am confused by your being very patient and nice then suddenly got this impatient and short temper, it is so contradictory I do not know how to react.
J starting moving his body and feet uncomfortably: what u mean, which short temper?
L: I warn u I am very hungry, u look very upset. Could I do something differently, it is just 6.30pm much earlier than your normal dinner time. I tried to look at google u said we follow our nose, I was looking for restaurant for u since I do not eat normally. But it is not my fault we did not find it straightaway.
J hesitated and tried hard I can feel to find a good reason: u know when people upset it is not only the thing, it is a lot of things.
Lin: be specific what are other things?
J: maybe it is culture thing, like last night what u said, make me feel like I have done many things wrong, I do not need somebody to tell me my problem, I have managed to deal with it myself. the way u said even I know it is not your attention but just make me feel confused. also u said u want to be led but u behave not like that, u walked in front me and pointed out restaurant and spot to stop like u have decided what we do, for us, u did not consult me how do u know what I want or not? U said u bought fruit for me but u did not want me eat it straightway it is u who can not eat fruit and dinner,
L: oh, I see, it is just old pattern, I am used to be alone but I do think of u all the time, like I do not want u eat randomly in the street by thinking we should find proper place to sit down so u can eat dinner right, then fruit, but u do eat fruit always first so my problem to take it for granted. But I do find it surprising somehow u can be so upset because u are hungry, u alway upset if u hungry?
J: U do not have my metabolism and u do not even feel hungry, it is feeling that somehow the vibes are not right, like u stay around your boat area not going to the ocean with me, I can not every time coming back to u, I want u to swim with me and want u share the same food with me but u somehow it is not in the same rhythm. When we were in mysore walking along the lake even we have things we do not understand each other perfectly but I feel we understand, now I am just confused by something u do.
L: give me specific examples, what makes u confused?
J: like u do the kiss in the restaurant I am just not used to it u behave like husband and wife, what your expectation is? U said u do not have intimacy for many years and u pad me sometime like a pet, I do not want that, in the ocean u sometimes touch me I just do not want to be touched I want to do my own stuff.
Lin: I sense that, I try to overcome my own issue being not very intimate and also I do not think it is wife husband behavior it can be partners or couple. I do find out u do not like to be intimate in public.
J: I am not French in my 20's, I touch I tough it hard, it is between us not in public, I touch u I am really touching u.
J hold my art tight and stretched to down, grab my private part I started to feel uneasy and breathe uneven.
L: It is good we still take time to talk about it maybe one day we just too tired to talk about it, u appear as very sensitive on all these things, which is good, but sometimes we have to ask ourselves, it is that really what happened make us annoyed or just our insecurity making us over sensitive. I did not have any expectations or try to show anything, I just think since we are together we should enjoy and if we are not together we should also enjoy being alone.
J: but u do show u want me to be around, I can see sometimes u want to be with me. like this morning we do work together and meditate and chanting together I feel free.
Lin: yes since we are together I do enjoy but I also fully respect if u want to be alone and I am perfect doing my own things. two persons can make each other happier but also miserable, let us enjoy being together.
J: what u think I am, I am 42 still single, I am not a nice person and I am selfish, I want to do things I want to do. U know how many woman would try for me and most of them I do not even care. as a teacher I am patient but living I am not.
L: what u mean u are not nice person?
J: look at me, I am good at sex, good at chanting, good at teaching, I am good at movement, I am GOD, women they love me!
L is freezer, just think of what makes this guy sunndenly so frankly admitting he is so selfish and ego-maniac, the only thing she cares is be a nice person, what a person can do if not being nice in nature. she feels like a shit, being treated very badly, particularly when he said most of woman he does not care. A bit out of balance but she said: love is good but u have to be capable to love, are u? it is good we know who we are, rather than living in the world not real, we are on holiday this is not real life we show best part to each other but it is not sustainable it is good we tell the truth.
J: not real? I am telling the truth.
Lin: good for u and let us go back.
J: your CEO attitude again, go back?
Lin: it might be the case u just put some pre-assumption there that u business people always behave certain way but maybe it is just the fact we need go back.
Lie on the bed J bended over and asked gently: are u ok?
Same game, this happened before, L knew if she is loose then sex then nothing seems happen, she did not turn and said firmly: Too much for tonight, I need think through, let us call for the night!
Means no Sex firm. fell in sleep quickly.
Was thinking if we should stay together for extra 3 nights without having to break up now or should leave now, after VIPA, it is leaving now, not keeping any potential risk of losing it since sex always talks louder. with J, she is in the vounerable part of sex can not hold herself straight. So watching at watch since 3.30am up for vipa, in tall Shala, then 6.30 ashtanga finished, was thinking if confrontational if telling the truth calmly, saw J closing the door: Keep the door open.
J did not try to close the gap and distance Lin built up, Lin said with a calm tone: I might go to the pool, which means if I do not go to the beach it is common u do your own shit.
L figure out timing wise it is ok to have a relaxed shower and hair washed first time with shampoo but then realize the safe can not open. First thought is that J locked it in case L leaving but it is ridiculous should be the case, just packed all and to recptinish to leave the bag, bill is not ready and Lin decided to pay for the whole stay until 3 nights later, out of sympathy j is really poor. get same breakfast, the waiter is asking: where is your husband.
L full of sunshine light: he is swimming in ocean like a fish.
try to finish all the regular things quick, a bit rush feeling in motion, receptionist is asking a few, but not anymore, paid bill 200K above, just as paid to good sex! carried the bag quickly walked out of retreat no any single sentimental attachment.
Saw the same tuktuk which upsets L yesterday with the stupid negotiation of 800rp then paid 900, with L money, did not take any since L did not want J know where she is heading, stop a tuktuk in main road, first said to Hiriketiya then on the way realized to go further and seems Tangalle is more fun and further, so asking to go further, the guy stoped 3-4 times for all kinds of things: filing gasoline, calling somebody for price, asking for another driver for negotiating so 500 becomes 1000, arriving in Tangalle beach along the line to the end, see one hotel compound settled, quite and seems able to swim for 4500, which is 1/5 price paid to retreat.
heading outside to walk, finding a busy small little town, today it is good to be busy, so end of town round a soda water then to rock temple, 1200rp, met a local professor who speaks good chinese used to study in Sichuan University, teaching buddhism having mild manner which L feel so need, and D is also closer to her now since she knows him background rather well, so hard to be with another stranger who is not knowing roots and base.
Took a bit time way down to drink Bally tea, looking for Bally fruit and eat it with teacher, coming down thought going to do the typical deep hole bird sanctuary and turtle watching, but nothing so splendid so back hotel when raining just decide to call the day.
After rain stop going to the beach it is stony not good for swim and wave is controlled but still quite wavy, so out of water to walk neighborhood not so nice, back to water to scar the foot, what a bloody swimming experience here.
Walk into the street full of tourist interested stuff, thinking of next plan, now it is good to have plan again, yala, fed up with ocean jelly fish waves, next raining to stop for fruit pump then saw canoeing somehow this is in mind to do, jump to the bike of guy and realized he is leaving me in the kayak which he mentioned there is bigger fish, 娃娃鱼？ like size of crocodile anyhow with full courage up to Kayak for 15 minutes raining like a hell among the jungles just a bit scary all wet and might be cold very soon, it is 5pmish. Crab, still made a round then back to ferry stop going to further direction rather than back to dry, until arriving this lagoon end Ibis hotel being asked how is china doing with 2700 died. there is always a lounge, nice place, when I am complete wet and cold, to warm up with a nice carrot soup, first time to take soup and toast, yummy. Was thinking of how J reacted and thought, but it will be just a thought, no way back and will not go back.
Let us move on tomorrow yala 4.30, quite sleepy not sure why, did not be my self for the past week, so tiring. I should be really alone.
