Your cell phone is ringing. Your inbox is overflowing. Your friend wants to discuss her son's glue-sniffing habit. Martha Beck has news for you—you don't have to Be There for all people all the time.Just follow her escape routes.

The great English writer E.M. Forster mayhave valued connection above all else, but for us 21st-century folks,disconnection is as necessary as connection for creating a healthy, happy life.When we force ourselves to connect against our heart's desires, we createfalse, resentful relationships; when we disconnect from the people who depleteus, we set them free to find their tribes while we find ours. I've listed someof my favorite disconnection strategies below, in the hope that you might findthem useful.

1. Hide. Blame my high school English teacher—I'll call her Mrs. Jensen—who married at 17, bore her first child at19, and was a farmwife and mother of four by age 22. When she felt overwhelmed,she'd retreat into a field of tall corn near her house and hide there,listening to her children search for her, until she heard a cry of genuine painor felt ready to reconnect, whichever came first. "Martha, " Mrs.Jensen told me, "every woman needs a cornfield. No matter what's happeningin your life, find yourself a cornfield and hide there whenever you needto."

I've used hundreds of other"cornfields" over the years: cars, forests, hotels, bathrooms. I'vebeen known to hide for days, but even a few minutes can calm my strung-outnerves—or yours. If you don't already have a cornfield, find one now.

2. Go primitive. We all know thattechnological advances have made connection easier than ever before. They'vealso led some people to think that breaking away is a violation of the socialorder. At such times, I become downright Amish, religiously committed toavoiding all modern communication technology. I unplug phones, computers,intercoms and fax machines, risking opprobrium, because I know that if I don'tlose touch with some of the people who are trying to reach me, I'll lose touchwith myself. The over-connected me is a cranky, tired fussbudget. Silence isgolden if it keeps me from broadcasting that fretful self into my network oftreasured relationships.

3. Play favorites. Your ability to connectis a resource much more precious than money, so manage it well. Make a list ofeveryone to whom you feel bonded, then consider what kind of return you'regetting on your investment. It may sound cold-blooded to say you must divestyourself of the relationships that give you consistent losses, but unless youdo this, you'll soon run out of capital, and you'll have no connection energyleft to invest in anybody. So, please, decide now to deliberately limit thetime and attention you spend on "low yield" relationships. Above all…

4. Get rid of squid. Squid is my word forpeople who seem to be missing their backbones but possess myriad suckingtentacles of emotional need. Like many invertebrates, squid appear limp andsquishy—but once they get a grip on you, they're incredibly powerful. Mastersat catalyzing guilt and obligation, they operate by squeezing pity fromeveryone they meet. Getting a squid out of your life is never pretty. Tell themstraightforwardly that you want them, yes them, to leave now, yes, now. Thiswill be unpleasant. There will be lasting hurt feelings. Don't worry. Squidlove hurt feelings. They hoard them, trading them in for pity points when theyfind another victim—er, friend. Let them go, their coffers bulging.

5. Be insensitive. This is a very compassionate way to use your own psychological instincts. Instead ofconnecting with every person's problems, let yourself feel whether someonereally needs your attention, or whether the best gift you can give might be alittle abruptness.

6. Rehearse escape lines. When I'm overextended, I paradoxically become worse at setting boundaries. I end upresorting to rehearsed exit lines. Take the time to rehearse several reliablealternatives. Because, when you're exhausted, a practiced excuse can keep youfrom wading deeper into relationships you don't need and can't handle.

7. Be shallow. Even staying in touch with areasonably small number of high-quality people can be overwhelming if you tendtoward emotional intensity. In such cases, shallowness can be a delightfulalternative. E-mail a stupid joke. Gather your friends to watch TV shows inwhich strangers paint one another's rooms the color of phlegm and then feignmutual delight. Once you know you can swim in the deep end of human connection,it's fun to splash around in the shallows. I hope you find these disconnectionstrategies as useful as I do. By striking a balance between the imperative to"only connect" and the need for individuation, you really will relaxyour psyche and your relationships, making your life as a whole more joyful,more loving.