How we communicate with our romanticpartners can have a strong impact on the quality of our relationships.Psychologists John and Julie Gottman run the "Love Lab", wherethousands of couples have been studiedover the last 30 years. Thepurpose of their research is to determine the factors that lead to happy andunhappy relationships. From their data, they have concluded thatcontempt,criticism, defensiveness, andstonewalling are the mostsignificant factors that can hurt a marriage or relationship.
Among these, contempt is the biggestpredictorof divorce. People who feel contempt for their partner oftenconveydisapproval without addressing the issue. They sometimes label theirpartner with insulting words such as "lazy" "stupid" or"emotional", which is particularly damaging.
Many couples try to address issues bycriticizing their partner'sflaws or mistakes directly.Being
too direct with criticism can hurt your partner's self-esteem. Somepeople may react to criticism by becoming defensive and focused on winning theargument, rather than on improving themselves. Others may react to criticism bystonewalling, where they refuse to acknowledge and respond to their partner fora period of time.
Stonewalling to your partners can make them feel like they're undervalued.
Unfortunately, fighting back or ignoringyour partner can make it difficult to determine the root of your problems. Ifyour partner feels that they aren't valued, it may lead to increased dissatisfactionwith the relationship.
The Gottmans maintain that being aware ofthese factors in communication is the first step to improving a relationship.It is important toacknowledge that all relationships have issues.The goal shouldn't be to avoid these issues but to learn to resolve them. Inparticular, we should avoid communicating in ways that hurt our partner'sself-esteem. It is better to discuss problems in a way that is lessconfrontationaland can better help your partnersympathize with yourperspective.For example, rather than saying "Why are you ignoring me? It's rude!"one could say "l feel hurt and undervalued when I don't get a responsefrom you." By being conscious of how we communicate with our partner, wecan begin to build a healthier relationship.
