I'm in my office.
Peggy, Peggy, I've got a situation here.
Uh,
Oh, hi, is it your back again Why don't you wear that white lift and belt I got you for Christmas.
It's not a belt, it's a girdle, take off your shirt, I'll get the icy hot.
Who, ah, I see, I see, ah,
HA, ha, ha, ha, HA,
Perky, not in front of the be your wife.
Any both of you to sign this permission slip, all righty, what's it for, son, contact football? No, you're not old enough for that ringworm test.
What sexual education.
Where did you get this I told you at school, oh, I thought we didn't have to worry about this until ninth grade health class.
Principal wants to teach us a unit from some course they made up in Washington, D-C. Washington. Bobby, go to your room.
Well, what are we going to do Here s the first thing I'm going to do, I tell you what.
There no need for Bobby to get all bothered up learning about sex when he can't do a damn thing about it anyway. At his age,
And with his features besides, it is not up to the United States government to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.
That's his paren'ts job. I agree, if anybody should teach our boy about.
That it should be his paren'ts, something like that should uh be taught in the home, uh, huh, where he lives.
Absolutely yes. Sir. Ray.
Well, you're the expert substitute teacher of the year Nineteen ninety six, as I recall, oh, hank, I'm also a decent woman.
I got my back out here, pig.
I like you, your body.
Bobby, honey, um,
What do you know about sexual relations I don't know nothing much.
I'm a little worried about being a slut, uh-huh.
Well, bobby, your father and I decided that as your paren'ts, that you and I should have a little talk on the subject.
You have noticed, I am sure that there are some pretty big differences between boys and girls.
I'm sure, you know that, I mean, physically, boys are, they're different.
They have something that girls do not have. Yeah, you know, some thing.
You mean, penis?
But I didn't take sex Ed in school. Come on, boompower, if you're gonna prune prune.
The army taught me everything.
And in four different languages, too, one know how to get a bar girl in Billpines.
The point is, there's no way my son is learning the how tos of romance from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook to May Hove.
Or something like that, and Dale, I'd say, the same applies to your Joseph.
I'd tear that permission slip up if I were you, I'd do that an then some this six ED stuff goes higher than the schools.
It's at same old club or own zero population, bold ink that the U, NS, been trying for years.
I tell you what, man, the branch, fix it it. CO, it's gonna, it's gonna beat, get yo.
They want a widow is down, so we can't keep the standing army. That's when the Chinese will come marching in.
All I'm saying is keep the government out of the bedroom business teaching my boy the facts of life is my job, right?
I couldn't get the words out, oh, gee, you didn't send her into man's job, did you?
Ah, well, let boom, how are teaching what you know.
Yeah, man, I tell you what he told about him, dang, O condom dispenser with him, he put a little fifth cents there, and he tried to hit that corner, turning, bang on that thing, and just talk about her needs.
Not no, that's all right, I guess I'll do it. My daddy told me the facts of life when I was Bobby's age, and I turned out, okay,
Hey, what you crying for a boy it's a good show, this is a damn good show, yeah,
That's also how he taught me about paying taxes. Well, there used to be a dairy farm out here somewhere, oh, there we go.
Grace, see, this is Mr. Hill.
Brought his son over to learn the facts of life. Well, he sure came to the right place. We call this machine the matchmaker .
Now Bobby, you're coming to a time in your life when you're going to start to have tender feelings for a girl.
You're going to need to know what those feelings mean and what to do about them.
Another half of that dang permission slip, I'm sure they will do a good job at school. The health teacher is the train professional, uh huh.
Keep digging.
Hey, hank, I wouldn't sweat it any more about that sex ed stuff. What did you move All you gotta know is I took care of it.
With one little bang, girl.
Hey, pig Leg, that was Bobby's principle, some right wing maniac just called the health teacher with a death threat, and she quit.
Oh, well, I'm sure it was just some harmless nut case.
Jim.
Hey, on the bright side, sensors knowin to teach that sex, ed, course, we can put all this ugliness back in the closet. Oh no, hank, they found some one.
They found the substitute teacher of the year, uh, nineteen ninety five, nineteen ninety six foods.
Oh my, oh lord, oh, for goodness sake.
This beauty school homework is hard, and Peggy.
Happy.
Oh, I'm sorry, luan, I was not paying attention. Listen to this chapter title.
The fourteen stages of arousal. And then you turn the page and.
Oh my goodness, is that Sea Everett Coop that must be an old book, cause now there's eighteen stages, oh my.
How am I going to say these words out loud in front of a class Let me see.
Self exploration is a perfectly natural exercise throughout pubescence. What's so hard about that Luan.
Honey, tell me what is it like to live without shame of any kind Is it a good feeling.
Yeah.
It is, well, I guess I am a little jealous. Things were very different when I was a girl.
Honey, you're at that special time of life.
The time when a little girl becomes a woman and you start getting a monthly visitor who Uncle Joe.
My mother gave me this, and I'm passing it on to you the loveliness of woman.
There's nothing in here but pictures of flowers. I never even kissed a boy until I was twenty.
Of course he's dead now.
Ball.
Look, here's a chapter on communicating your needs to your love partner, what kind of filth are you reading It's Ant, pay you sex head book, say, what.
Let me take a look at that, what in the hell that is the inside of a womb, a woman's womb.
My boy is not, can look at the inside of a womb. He's only been out of years for eleven years, I think I need some water.
You want my Chandler on my Ross, can I shoot him full of babies? Okay, then Ross.
You sure you don't want, EM, I'm not gonna need my toys any more. After I learned sex, ed, I'll be too busy dating who.
I don't know whoever wants to have sex with me.
Well, what do you think Few more inches.
Might as well just gonna keep growing.
Well, so much for my phone call, what are you talking about They found some other deep phrased harlot to teach that six ED class.
Ah, dale, don't worry, hank, I know people who can take care of this woman, if you know what I mean, but woman is my wife.
I thought Peggy was your wife, dale, I think he's saying, peggy's the new sex teacher.
The.
Yeah, hot.
Nothing, I won't say nothing, nothing at all. Yup, did nothing wrong with little sexual education, no, sir.
I bet Pegg you'll be introducing some new ideas into the bedroom, dull, I'm just saying a woman who knows is the toughest customer.
Maybe you ought to hit the books, too. What the hell is wrong with you all What knockedin hang, just think.
You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex, not never been with woman like that, except course a bar girl.
Of course, I-I don't mean that the peggies.
Bar girl or nothing like that, she just knows, you know what, A-A bar girl. No,
You know, there's a funny thing happening down at school.
They want me to teach this sex ed stuff to our kids class, you know, but I just don't know if I can overcome the crippling sense of shame that I got from my mother.
Well, we knew you wouldn't, yeah, I've been telling people, peggy Hill is not one of those teachers that puts all that intellectual hooey above common decency.
Well,
Sometimes a little intellectual hooey is a good thing. Look, we all grew up not known the real words free, dinkey and ruhu, and we turned out fun.
I learned about sex from my mother, she gave me that wonderful book, the Loveliness of Woman, that book is worthless. Well, I got a lot out of it.
When my husband would crawl all over me at night and do his business, well, I would just close my eyes and think of them pretty flowers, oh, bonnie, you poor poor Woman.
Hey Bobby, your mom's gonna teach sex, ED, yeah, no.
We're going to get to see your boobs.
So Bobby, you're up. Your dad lost his job.
Run, bobby Run, run.
Don't stop at first, my son, god, my body, god, the way honey, yeah, yeah, go all the way you per.
Hello, you don't know who I am, but I know where you.
If you teach at six in class, so help me, bill. Is that you, oh.
Hey, can I speak with Peggy, A Peggy, it's for you, it's Dale.
Yellow deal, you don't know who I am, but I know where you live.
Boy, you should have heard Bonnie today, that woman has got one awful love life. HA, HA, oh my God,
Hi, ain't cunny. Would you like to rub some pretty feet and hands on my back? Ah, didn't that jist for your feet and hands? Well, mainly.
But you could use it everywhere. Oh, purse,
Well, how bad if I put a little on your elbows.
It'll moisturize and expoliate, my elbows are fun, you never complained about EM before. It's just that it's so nice and cooling.
It makes your elbow smooth. What.
Where in the hell are my elbows gonna be that they need to be smooth.
Why, I just thought it would be nice, you know, for later, for us to be all smooth. I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but I'll pass.
Look, hank Hill, I did not ask to teach this class, but I am a substitute teacher.
That means I have to be prepared to go wherever they need teachers most at any hour of the day or night and teach anything from Jim to home.
I took an oath, darnet, excuse me, and if I start to pick and choose, a whole system just breaks down.
Yeah, well, you weren't too proud to pick and choose when you had those Randy Travis tickets.
Oh no, those poor little kids never did get to make their clay ash trays. Well, they're damn sure going to know the eighteen stages of arousal.
Because Peggy Hill is going to teach that class.
This is a diagram of a woman's.
Come on, aunt Peggy, you could do it. A woman s.
This is a man.
Now.
Well, what do you think.
Mmmm, nice and clean, but I think old Sigman Froyd might have a thing or two to say about it what? Oh, no,
Happiness, happy, thinness.
Half pea nest, half penis.
Penis, I did it ovaries. You Villa.
Uterus vagina.
Hey, I just heard you.
The whole neighborhood can hear your custom. It's not cussinghank to say the name of a god given body part, well, it is, if it's a part of the body that was meant to be concealed by an under garment.
You're dealing with organs and people just don't want to know about. Well, bobby ought to know about EM.
We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did, sure we do, I'm drawing the line here, peggy, my son is not gonna learn this crazy crap.
It says right here he can't take the class without permission of both his paren'ts. Now just hold on.
Are you saying I am not good enough to teach my own son If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve, permission, denied.
Damn strapping tape.
Singer.
Come on, bobby, you're coming to work with me.
Dog.
And I'm going.
Uh, no, mr. Hudson, we don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons.
Well, yeah, it is a gas, but it's in a liquid state.
Well, OK, but you might want to blow out those candles.
Uh, look, I'm on a have to call you back, bobby, hey, that's my work. Now just sit still, OK?
What do you think mom's telling all those guys I don't know, I don't want to know, just try not to think about it.
Okay?
What do you think, mom, saying you I said not to think about it, but think about something else. OK?
Dad, do you ever have sex anymore? Ah,
Well, uh, come on, bobby, can't you think of something pleasant?
What do you think mom s telling all those guys.
Hot.
Good morning, class today we're going to discuss the subject of human relations, otherwise known as.
Human relations, I am your substitute teacher. My name is Peggy Hill.
How kid? OK, any question so far.
Dad, what.
I just wanted to say, you don't have to worry about me, because I'm never gonna have sex.
Oh, bobby, now don't say that.
I thought that's what you want it.
Well, yes, if you were my daughter, but you're my son,
Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boy.
It's called the double standard, bobby, don't knock it. We got the long end of the stick on that one, I see.
That's why mom's bad for talking about sex, bobby, look, just because your mom's been using those words doesn't mean she's bad.
She's just trying to do her job, give the kids the proper names for things.
Imagine how hard that is for your mother trying to teach you room full of snicker and fifth graders, the difference between a boy and a girl's, uh,
You know, hookups.
That woman's got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what that's, Mrs. Peggy Hill.
H-I-L-L, you can call me Missus Hale, you can call me Peggy or Peggy Hill.
Okay, come on, peggy Hill, you can do this okay today, subject.
Just have a seat, I'm sure your teacher can tell you everything you need to know.
She was a substitute teacher the year Nineteen ninety six, I understand.
All right, class, let's do it today. I'm going to teach you sex head.
It's difficult subject matter, but if we approach it with common sense, I believe we might learn something that could enrich our lives.
But before we begin, please bring your permission slips up to my desk, and those of you whose paren'ts did not give you permission to learn with me, well, you can read for an hour in the school library.
Mrs. Craig.
Looks like it's just you and me, mom, okay, son. Well,
Let's begin with the difference between boys and girls, you mean the penis, yes, the penis.
Hello, bobby.
Louis.
Was anybody home Where is everybody? Ah, I sent the kids off to see a double feature.
You, my always and forever. May I have this dance.
You move, elbows, bag.
I seem to recall, you kind of like being dead, I'll hang, watch you back good as ever.
Oh,
Are you OK Uh-huh? Well, uh, as long as we're down here,
Hello, you have reached the hill, resident.
Please leave a message at the toe.
You don't know who I am, but I know where you.
Teacher, and you better cut it out If you know what's good.
Oh, no, hang, we changed the T off time to three o'clock.
Uh,
Singer.
Oh,
