March 11, 2022
Confronting trauma is not an easy decision. PTSD has been a thorn in my heart. How I choose to react to people and deal with relationship in my life are always influenced by it. It tiggers a lot of memory which I don’t want to recall but now I have to because I don’t want to live like this anymore.
“(2nd hypnosis) Relax from your head to toes. This time, we are going to fix your trauma which has been bothering you for 11 yrs. When I count down to 1, you go back to your high school. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. What do you see?”
“I was shaking, waiting for my father to pick me up. I was choking, hoping that I can pass out before I see my father. I didn’t want to think about what would happen for even one second.”
“Do you feel helpless?”
“Yes, there is nothing I can do about the punishment. He was/is a signal of death sentence, a nightmare for me, even now. ”
“What happened when he came?”
“He was furious, knowing what I have done and how the dean of studies planed to put me through class suspension. The words he used to swear what we did were too filthy to be remembered. OR they were so painful for me that I don’t want to keep them in my memory.”
“What did he do?”
“He slapped my face loudly. It was so loud that people in the corridor turned to us to see what happen. Yes, all of them saw me being slapped and then kicked on the butt.”
“It must be hard. You were waiting for your father’s help and comfort. But he slapped and kicked you instead.”
“I was humiliated. I wish I could have died on that day. On the way driving back home, I felt like I was a criminal. My father was so pissed off. I was extremely terrified. All I did was crying nonstop.”
“When you got home, how did your mom react.”
“She was shocked by what I have done. She found it hard to believe how ‘her good girl’ can do such thing. Both of them joined the interrogation, asking about every single detail and warning me that I might drop out of the school because of it. What they did to me that night was unforgettable. I felt my self-esteem was ripped off. They never asked me how I felt about it. They showed no empathy. All they did was questioning.”
“So did your mom take the same stance with your father?”
“Not entirely. When my father asked me to jump off the building to kill myself, my mom stepped in and told him that he didn’t the right to scold me. My mom cared more about what I had been through and whether I was forced to do anything and if I got hurt.”
“The dean of studies was a psycho. What he did to the students and how he chose to deal with it were unacceptable.”
“Yes, he still is. All of us hated his guts.”
“But what you father did to you is truly hurtful. If he was in front of you, what would you say to him. You can let out all your a rage.”
“I tried. It was too difficult to talk to him. He never admitted what he has done was wrong.”
“Don’t think about the reality. He was there. Tell him.”
“I HATE YOU. YOU ARE NOT A FATHER TO ME. YOU ARE IRRESPONSIBLE FOR ME, MY BROTHER AND MY MOM. I NEVER KNOW WHAT A GOOD MAN SHOULD BE LIKE. I DON’T EVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU. THAT’S WHY I ALWAYS KEEP MY DOOR LOCKED UP. YOU FXXKING ALCOHOLIC. YOU NEVER REALLY CARE ABOUT US. YOU ARE ALWAYS NOT AT HOME. I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE ONE OF THE FAMILY.”
“Do you feel better? What would you like to do with your father and your dean of studies? Drown them into the sea?”
“PACK THEM UP AND BURN THEM. LET IT BURN. THEY WERE GONE.”
“Yes, it was all in the past. It was like a farewell ceremony. You are different now. You can consider it as an experience to learn from. You are a good teacher now. You have greater empathy for students who shared similar suffering with you. You get to understand them better and therefore I believe you have the ability to deal with similar problems in the future.
“What about my father? I just imagine burning him.”
“As you have mentioned, he is a selfish person with narcissism. He did this to everyone, not just you. He is old now. He will suffer from what he has done. But you are an adult now, what happen to you is unfortunate. But you can choose to fix it with you dad. Try.”
“Maybe someday I will come around.”
“Please tell the 15 yr old girl. She did nothing wrong. It was just a normal thing that teenagers are curious about.Tell her you are doing great right now.”
“Young girl. Sorry for being tormented by what had happened. It wasn’t your fault. Let it burn. It is all over now.”
“You are a childlike, active, brave and determined person. What you have achieved today is not a coincidence. You earn it. You have strong potential, waiting for you to unveil. Don’t be afraid. The best is yet to come.”
