one day, a wife come back home from work. she opened the door to see his husband watching football games again, with beer on the left hand and smoke on the right hand , anger can’t help pop up immediately: “the only thing you know how to do is watching football ,and you did it everyday .” “what’s wrong with watching football game. Just have fun ! it was a hard day . Nobody keep you from doing it .” “me? I have to wash clothes , prepare dinners ,please give me some super advise , how can I make it happen?” “ come on ,can you just stop nagging me?” “ nagging ? I do everything for you and for this family!” “so could you just stop ? I never asked you to do so .” “ oh my goodness , you go to hell!”
Scene as above, or similar ones, a lot of lovers ever been through. why life is full of communication violence, which breaks lovers, hurts families and isolates friends. I find the “taolu” in a book . Which tells how to face and express your feelings, instead of criticize or blame. It was summarized into three steps：
Firstly: observation. It is objective. No matter you like it or not, do not judge or evaluate. It sounds easy but actually hard for normal people. For instance, if a guy stays on bed for a whole day and you express as : aha ,he is so lazy, how can he sleep for a whole day ,donot wash ,and eat !” Be careful, “lazy is a world of judgment and criticism. It is your subjective opinion. Others might hold different ones. So do not judge , say what you observed objectively: this guy , laying on bed 16 hours a day, stay at home five days a week , and never went out raining days . To remember this part easily ,keep two words in mind: I see:
Secondly: Feeling. Express your feeling sincerely. For example: your roommate plays radios at midnight when are about to seep. What’s is your feeling to this? “ I feel it is not right for him “ or “ he does not cares about others , he is selfish” no no . those are not your feelings , and they are your judgment . your feelings is all about how you emotion, how your feel. Such as broken, fear, delightful, happy, furious, mad, angry. To remember this part , keep two worlds in mind . I FEEL
Thirdly: Request. Request should be very detailed and about what you wish to be done instead of the other way around. Take smoking for example. To request your boyfriend givie up smoking , what would you say ? some girls yells like this: do not smoke anymore . it does not help. Remember to be detailed and tell him what to do exactly! “honey ,I wish you could have ten bubble gum each day for the coming 3 month. For this part , also two words to be remembered. I wish!
OK , this is the three parts of nonviolent communication. Truth comes from practice. Now let’s come back to the opening example, to check how to change it into an nonviolence talking.
Before that , can you repeat the key world! I SEE , I FEEL ,I WISH
Firstly : I SEE: you can picture an watching-football-game husband. I think you already have an idea. Then describe it . without any critical and evaluate. Honey , you haven not talk to me for at least once since 6 till 9. You were staring at the TV ,with beers on your left hand and smoke on your right hand. “ at that moment , your husband would realize the truth.
Secondly: I FEEL. I feel hurts and disappointed, I feel that I am not important.
Thirdly: I WISH:” I wish you could say hi ,when I enter in and give me a hug.
With these Taolu, you can not only solve love problems ,but also parent-offspring and friends communication problems. You get the points? I see ,I feel ,I wish . with this skill you can make your life much more better, because everything is actually “taolu”
