Since I graduated from the college, everything happened unexpectedly.
First of all ,I thought that I were an individual。All decisions should be up to me.However, all people might be children of their parents including me.I live under their umbrella and I have no choice about life and marriage.I can't gain real happiness.
After college, I searched for my own life style and suffered with depression and frustration. To me ,that will be the most important experience in my life. But to my parents, they had come to the conclusion that I would never see the light in the future。So they tried their best to persuade me that life is painful on the whole and we should reduce requirements and bear sufferings. They richly exemplified their opinions. I had run out of ammunition because they won't trust me unconditionally and I had gained nothing. To be honest, I don't like them.
At the same time，I was lost in thought deeply. Since I was a little girl, I knew that my mother got worry, unwilling to lag behind and powerlessness in her mind. So she placed all her hopes on me. On the one hand, she hoped that I would realize her dream of Fortune Freedom so that people around us would admire at her, on the other hand, she knew that life is not so kind to ordinary people. I often got the letter from her in which she expressed her sadness and ambition and hoped that I won't let her down。Occasionally，I haven't done well in the contests. At that time, she would say that life is meaningless and she would lose the courage to live. To be a daughter, I was dying to let my parents experience life the way they want it to be. However I was just a kid. I need carefree childhood。I need to be an ordinary child. It's unfair to place heavy burden on the shoulder of a child. At that time, the relationship between my parents and me is contradictory。I thought I should love them。But actually, I wanted to flee from the depressed life.
The relationship between my mom and my dad is not good too. My father has no desire to better himself, earns less money and fails to please my mother. Their marriage is unfortunate。My mother once often said that she maintained their marriage because of me. Finally one day, she read my diary in which I wrote that they had no need to keep their marriage because of me. I can accept parent family rather than an unhappy family. She cried sadly. Since my mom never enjoy the happiness of marriage, she didn't trust marriage. But she advanced me to marry the right person. But who is Mr' Right? She is not satisfied with my husband from the bottom of her heart. He is from outside of our province. Chinese parents always don't want their children to marry far away, so do they. They have no sense of security. In their mind, I might be bullied one day and I would be isolated and helpless. She cried, criticized and threatened me. I felt hopeless. Sometimes, I also feel that life is meaningless. We can't live the life we like. We must take into consideration of other people's opinion although we have nothing to do with them. No doubt life is full of miseries. I also trust in that life is brilliant. Although I didn't gain achievement from the last 30 years. I don't want to be predictable. I have decided to pack all the painful memories and set a goal. What I need is not complain and doubts, but trusts and freedom. No matter what I encounter with, I won't be grateful. As the old saying goes，one's children and grandchildren have their own lives to live.
I have my own child already. I feel deeply that parent can't leave negative emotions to their children. That is the greatest damage. We also can't demand our children to accomplish our dreams because they have their own too. Now that we have only one life to live, why don't we try our best to get what we want instead of leaving the task to others. If we have the chance to set a good example to our children, why do we ask for a favor of our children?
To the end, children are gifts from God. What we should do is to guide them when they are very young and wait for their growth when they have their own thoughts.
