Is Online Dating Killing Love?
A fair maiden is guarded by a dragon. A handsome prince must slay the dragon to save her. Then, magically, they fall in love and live happily ever after. Traditional stories tend to emphasize the fantastic, magical side of love. Fate plays matchmaker. Strangers see each other from across a room and instantly know that they are destined to be together.
It isn't difficult to imagine two strangers coming together and falling in love despite their differences. It suggests that love is challenging, uncertain, and incomprehensible.
But with more people using online dating services, a very different kind of love has emerged: one that is scientific, convenient, and self-directed. It minimizes risk and provides a choice, like on a menu. There is anonymity and the avoidance of immediate rejection. Meeting terms are negotiated online.
Online dating also allows the setting of preconditions. Computer algorithms exclude undesirable traits such as the wrong hair color, race, or age. But they also exclude randomness. They reduce the chances of meeting someone different, or someone who could challenge one's romantic ideals. Instead, they find the partner we think we want and exclude everyone else. As a result, we could be missing the opportunity of a lifetime, to meet someone we would never have expected to fall in love with.
Perhaps this new way represents a more efficient form of romance. Traditional ideas of love may be enchanting - but are they useful? Loneliness and boredom are less exciting than chance encounters, but they represent the more realistic side of love. All too often people have suffered through bad dates and humiliations. If they could just choose what they wanted, wouldn't it save time and reduce suffering? However, by choosing partners based on our preconceived ideas, we may be indulging in our illusions. Instead of letting ourselves grow with someone, love becomes more about looking for ourselves in the other. What if we don't know ourselves as well as we think? Perhaps love isn't about knowing what we want. Perhaps it's about being open to unimagined possibilities.
