ambition

I never had any sort of ambition. In fact I never took my life seriously and contemplated on it. The word "plan" sounds so foreign to me. I hate the idea of trying too hard and taking things too seriously. The reason being that I'm afraid to recognize my own incompetence.  If I tried my best at doing something, put all my energy into it, and it turned out that I'm just not good enough for it. That'll hurt my confidence and my feelings. But if I take on an easy-breezy attitude and look like that I don't really need anything, then I'll feel like I took a shortcut and better than other hardworking people. This is why I chose to hide myself when facing challenges and risks. But the problem is that this is new york. everyone has to be a fighter to strive for what they want. It is about time to think about myself and take control, make plans, stand on my own two feet. It's about time. Take my focus to the life that I want to build. Stop messing around and wasting my time and energy on nonsenses like boxing and piano. They offer no help whatsoever in helping to improve my situation. Yes, no help at all. What they create is an illusion, that I have a balanced life, and that I focused on something good and got good results. However, these are against my goal of improving my academic performance by taking up my time which could be used for writing, and my willpower, and more importantly, it took away the guilt and the pressure produced by it. My way of dealing with pressure is not so wise. As a matter of fact it is pretty dumb. Instead of going in the direction that the pressure is forcing me to, and can lead to a way out of the dark place, I opened another path which is like an abyss without a bottom. The right thing for me to do now would be to think no more about alternatives and focus my thoughts on the one and only way out. Bear in mind, there is only one way out. Fight like Furiosa. Even though there are ten thousand enemies, I gather what I have got, I have no fear of dying halfway, straight ahead is my only way to go. 一往无前, no second thoughts. FREEDOM TOLERATES NO FEAR AND SELFISHNESS. 大人坦荡荡，小人长戚戚。I have the ability reach ease in my mind. Do that. Be strong, try harder.