12、有
时候不是不懂，只是不想懂；有时候不是不明白，而是明白了我也不知道该怎样做。
记得最后一次父母带爷爷去医院，他用枯枝一般的手指着床头柜上的樟木箱对我说：“云儿，帮我把那件白衬衫拿来”。那是一件丝织的印有“寿”字图案的衬衫，听奶奶说这衣服还是爷爷在上海念书时买的，一直舍不得穿。从箱子中取出便水一般地在我的手中滑落，只剩下衣服领子还在手中握住，浓浓的樟脑丸的味道熏的我立即用另一只手捂住了鼻子。很多年以后，当我必须自己打理衣柜时，我拒绝了这样的东西，记忆中这是把爷爷带走的味道，这时死亡的味道！
接纳我的单位叫工商局，管理市场的工作，一开始就让我极不情愿。带班的所长把一个电喇叭挂到我的胸前，让我对着那些青白小菜喊着稍息立正的口令，就象面对乡下的亲戚，我总是做不出让它们归一的口令与动作，以至落了个工作不踏实的小结，结果让我离开市场，成天坐在办公室里，为一个个报表做着想象与估计。虚伪的数字，加上人为的推测，便是一年的成绩。更多的时间，我守着茶杯，注视着悬浮在杯中的茶叶，当一片茶叶在沸涨的水里苏醒，我渐渐看清，那是我在山坡上采摘着茶叶的妹妹与姐姐。我家姐妹六个，只有我一人离开村庄，姐姐妹妹都按照二十四节气的安排，走进属于他们的生活，我试图走进一个城里女孩的家门，那位叫丽的女孩从我写的诗歌里知道一颗玉米的来历，我们在一封信中推心置腹，把一杯茶泡成淡淡寡寡的时间之后，她离开了我，把自己的青春托付给了另外一个男人，那个男人虽然只有初中文凭，可是他的父母为他建盖的高楼足可以盛下丽的笑容。
山娃出去兜风逛夜市流光溢彩人潮涌动的都市夜生活总让山娃目不暇接惊叹不已父亲老问山娃想买什么想吃什么山娃知道父亲赚钱很辛苦除了书籍和文具山娃啥也不要能牵着父亲的手满城闲逛他已心满意足了父亲连挑了三套童装叫山娃试穿山娃有点不想父亲说城里不比乡下要穿得漂漂亮亮爸怎么不穿得漂亮望着父亲山娃反问道父亲听了并不回答只是吃吃地笑山娃很精神越逛越起劲父亲却越逛越疲倦望着父亲呵欠连天的样子山娃也说困了累了回家吧小屋闷罐一般头顶上的三叶扇彻夜呜呜作响搅得满屋热气腾腾也搅得山娃心烦意乱父亲一上床就呼呼大睡山娃却辗转次
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