Games are felt to constitute (原词用的formulate感觉不妥，所以在这里改成了前面的constitute) essential part of children’ life, but which type of game better benefit the youngsters: modern games or traditional games has become a heated topic in recent years. To my mind, modern games are inferior to traditional games in developing children’s overall skills and I believe the following are three contributing factors.
To begin with, modern games which are usually electronic video games or indoor leisure activities are not so good to kids physically because they usually lead to children’s near-sightedness, poor appetite , obesity (这里借用了唐老师的一个小素材论证现代电子游戏的一个弊端) and other physical ailment (这里用ailment替换了一稿的weakened physical state，这样感觉意思表达更准确). While traditional folk games (这里加了一个folk，避免太多重复) like flying kite, building castles, (在这里去掉了ball games一词，因为ballgames不太能代表传统代代相传的民间游戏) hide-and-seek game or catch-me-if-you-can game involving a lot of physical activities are usually played outdoors so are very beneficial to their physical well-being and make them healthy and strong.
Second, compared with traditional games, modern computer games often cause kids become addicted to them hence neglect their school education and prevent them from developing crucial congnitive skills and life sustaining speciality to support themselves after they step into the society. While traditional games don’t have this serious drawbacks and frequently acts as beneficial alternative for the teenagers to break from their arduous school work.
Third, modern games do poorer than traditional ones to cultivate teenagers’ social interactive skills. Due to the fact that modern games are mainly comprised of internet games, such as the King of Glory developed by Tencent technology giant in China (在这里我用腾讯公司开发的手游《王者荣耀》替换了一稿的《复仇者联盟》-the League of the Hero, 因为感觉这个例子用得不太对。但在正式考试中，用这个名字也没问题，因为考官不会去考证现实生活中到底有没有这个网络游戏，哈哈。) although they have certain kind of entertainment and educational values, most of them are digital games and don’t involve face-to-face communication. While real relationship needs understanding interlocutors’ body language, facial expressions and other non-verbal cues, therefore digital online games could do little in this regard yet otherwise bring about kid’s feeling of isolation, alienation or even social interaction phobia. In comparison, kids usually play traditional games with their peers in the neighborhood in person, when they play these games with their little friends, their socializing and interpersonal skills (在此处我用前面两个词替换了原作的social interactive skills以便使自己习作的表达更加丰富和有变化。) are naturally developed.
To sum up, modern games are weaker in cultivating children’s physical skills to stay in good shape, developing children’s balanced mental capacity to grow up into self-subsistence adult and social skills to form normal bond with other people, traditional games are highly recommended to the kids to help them better develop themselves. (714 words)
后记：这篇修改稿基本保持了原稿的大的框架结构，改动的是一些语言表达不太妥当的地方。修改后增加了字数，在雅思官方考试中不必写这么多。但因是平时练习，字数多一点、内容丰富一点也无妨。不管怎么说，减字总比加字做起来更容易。
