So here is the thing. In the past three weeks, I've been taking a "serious holiday" by not forcing myself to do anything unnecessary to keep the basic life functioning. All the extra time I earned was used to seek the answer to a single question: What do I want to get the most of my life?
This lovely spiritual journey is not really a voluntary one, and I am no saint or scholar asking the BIG question. It is more of the byproduct of a series of frustrations and sadness that shut me down all of sudden. I guess subconsciously, the little man in my head always roaring "go, go, go" was finally tired of fighting and felt pushed so close to the edge that he decided to slow down, ponder, wait to see a clearer picture and reroute.
Tormented by all those quantitative readings, my first instinct is to approach this problem by a process of optimization. If the outcome is a dichotomous variable of happiness or not, then the question can be paraphrased as what factors and the combination thereof can contribute most to realize the maximum likelihood of a happy life. Therefore, all I need is an objective function reflecting my personal preference, which unfortunately, after three weeks of thorough thinking, turns out to be too difficult to model.
To begin with, it is hard enough to choose what independent variables to throw in the function, not to even mention putting coefficients to them. There was a story where some wise man asked a young man to make a to-do list. At first the young man, as I expected, thought he would be guided to stick to the list and complete the tasks one by one. What he actually was asked to do, however, was to cross off all but five listings. It is never just about getting ahead but also about giving up, as one only has limited capacity. For me, the things that contribute to my happiness could be fulfillment from being nice and upright, sometimes winning by wit; excelling in a challenging task, or the mere material ownership of all sorts of consumer products; a steep learning curve, or simply wasting my time away with rosé on a sunny Saturday noon. I can't have them all. It is hard even heartbreaking to forgo things that you value in trade of something you value a little more.
What adds more to the ambiguity is the various sources of opinions on OPINIONS. Here is where the confusion kicks in. People with different backgrounds talk about and react to the same thing differently. Would you despise the rich for saying hard work and ambition are vulgar? Would you be irritated by a dedicated and focused friend for being indifferent? Would you criticize a well-protected barbie for believing in absolute rights and wrongs? My strong sense of sympathy compels me to gradually accept that all ways of living are understandable, as long as they don't deviate too far away from the basic human nature. Then the question is how should I react to this complexity. What if my preference goes against the majority? If I am hurt, does it mean I am licensed to hurt others as well? Am I prepared to stick to my own beliefs despite all the noise?
And last but not least, awareness. This is the most scary factor to take into consideration. That A-Ha moment can be both a bless and a curse. With time passes by, you will never know whether you would wake up one day and find that your utility function has changed beyond recognition. A housewife may rake up old ambition. An exhausted workaholic can turn into a family man. At that time, they would regret even grieve over the time and opportunities they could have had. What makes it even more terrifying is that awareness of a new perspective is an irreversible process. It is the curse of knowledge that one is unable to un-know.
The above-mentioned three layers kind of make it impossible for me to knowingly maximize my life objective function, at least not now. Neither am I satisfied with the conclusion that we can just take one step and look around before taking another. However, the failure to secure an objective function for long-term happiness naturally leads to resorting to instant satisfaction, e.g. favoring delicious dishes, listening to a pleasant piece of music, etc. I am not saying it's not worthwhile to appreciate life in details, just alert to the possibility that I might lose the capability to feel deeply over time.
I don't deny the efforts of intensive thinking and talking with friends. The most important implication is that you have to move on anyhow.
So cheers.
Carpe diem.
