这周四，我收到一份同学的英语课堂演讲稿，让我帮她提一些修改意见。这篇讲稿以成长为主题，内容300字左右，语法上没有大的错误，不过还有进步的空间。由于这位同学的时间很紧张，我只提了几条避免重词、表意清晰的意见。
事后我认识到修改别人的作文也是一次很好的练习机会，于是我认真修改了这篇稿件，并最终形成了一个较为满意的版本。这篇文章我想和你分享我的修改想法和最终定稿，希望能给你一些启发。
以下是这位同学的讲稿原文（已征得作者同意）：
Let's talk about growth today.
What is growth? This question is not easy to answer/(It is difficult for us to get the answer to this question). Some people think that getting older equals growth. In my opinion, growth present the process in which we constantly look for the answers we want.
We sometimes feel pain in our lives. Especially when we feel powerless in a difficult situation. However, don't worry that these difficulties will hinder our growth, we just do not give up in the difficult situation, and keep a progressive attitude, all of which will help us gain more experience and achieve higher goals. At the same time, we also will find the answer of the above question.
It is very important to maintain a good condition to experience the growth process. In order to achieve this goal, we need to clarify our values and worldview, and face external environment peacefully. In addition, we must strengthen our beliefs, which will not be changed by interference from others.
The one thinks that surpassing others is growth, and the other one thinks that getting rid of the current environment is growth, but in my opinion, only surpassing ourselves is real progress. When we discover our own shortcomings, we actively correct them instead of ignoring, no matter how weak our improve ourselves, which is part of our growth undoubtedly.
这篇稿子的最大的优点是主论点很有价值，认为成长就是不断地探求我们想要的答案。三个分论点是勇敢地面对苦难、坚定自己的价值观、不断超越自我，也是不错的想法。其次，作者的语言功底还是不错的，长短句结合，也正确使用了定语从句和衔接过渡词。最后，作者两次使用了Some think..., but in my opinioin这个逻辑，通过和他人的对比突出自己的观点，也是一个亮点。
不过，本文也有一些提升的空间：
首先，重词率较高。全文出现了9个growth，缺乏同义替换的意识；其次，存在一些表意不清的情况，全文的核心观点是look for answers we want，但是对这一点的阐释不足。第三段结尾we also will find the answer of the above question，这里的question是什么，让读者困惑；再次，段落内的内容安排不够合理，一个段提出了多个论点，对每一段的分论点论述不充分；最后，文章全是说理性的内容，可读性稍有不足。
我尝试对这篇稿子进行修改，修改时主要考虑以下几点：
1、作者的稿子有情境需要，是课前的小展示，因此篇幅较短，全文共300字左右。给出的修改结果也应保持在300字左右，即在相同篇幅内进行优化。
2、尽可能保留作者的原观点，在原意基础上改造。
3、因为是口语展示，因此用词力图轻松地道，衔接连贯自然。
4、文采优美，思想深刻，用浓缩的篇幅触动人心。
以下是我修改的结果：
Let's talk about growth today.
What is growth? Although everyone experiences it, it might not be easy to answer. Some may assume that getting older naturally equals growth. Well, it seems to make sense, but from where I’m standing, growing up means we constantly look for the answers we desire -- Who we are? Why do we live? What’s the purpose of life? All of this confusion come up when we’re entering adulthood.
As we grow, it’s essential to figure out our core identity and establish our value system, so that the right decisions will be made at the crossroads of our lives. The process is gonna be hard and enduring, so talk to our inner selves patiently, and respond to the changing external environment wisely. As Steve Jobs says, ‘Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life’. Go and live our path, numerous possibilities are waiting for us.
However, the reality is far from that ideal. Suffering is also a part of life. As long as we are fearless and determined, setbacks will not hinder but benefit our growth. And what I always believe is that hardship helps one appreciate the beauty of life, just as the life stories of Su Shi, Romain Rolland, and many great figures in history show. After all the striving, exploring and reflecting, I’m sure we will find the answers to our life questions eventually.
Now modern society is such a ruthless and competitive world, making some people think that surpassing others is growth, so they choose to join the rat race. But the more they engage, the less happiness they feel. As far as I’m concerned, the mindset of constantly surpassing ourselves is the real progress. Not being interfered with by others and sticking to our original heart is the way of growing undoubtedly.
较大的修改主要是根据我的思路调整了段落顺序，将原来的第三和第四段调换，这样段落间有了一个可衔接的逻辑。其余的改动主要有两个思路，一是明确和阐述段落核心观点，二是对语言进行润色。润色的细节主要体现在降低重词率，合理添加不同的句型，使用形容词、副词、平行结构等技巧来润色原句，使用名人名言和名人事例来辅佐论证等。
当然，我写的版本远不完美，我自己认为可能存在以下问题：一是语言不够凝练，有的意思也许可以表达得更精简。不过文采和精简之间如何平衡，还是我需要继续学习的方面。二是有些词是否不适用于口语场合而更像写作用语，这一点我的把握也可能不准确。三是论证方面可能有更好的方式，能多一些新意和深刻性。
Anyway，这就是我一次“刻意练习”的习作，希望给你一些思路，也非常欢迎讨论和批评，可以在后台给我留言。及时有效的反馈是促进进步的有效手段，也既是为什么我愿意修改这位同学的稿子，也是我拿出来和你分享的原因。
英语作为一项技能，需要在大量实战中提高，以后我会分享更多我的实战笔记，希望你支持、喜欢！
Ps. 欢迎关注个人公主号：TheYoung英语工坊。定期分享英语笔记、写作笔记、生活感悟、人物采访等有趣话题，期待你的喜欢。
