今天做了一些翻译，英译汉
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.想一想普通人有多蠢，而且他们中有一半人其实更蠢！
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
游泳不是运动。游泳是避免淹死的方法。这是常识。
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
房间只是一个当你外出时放你东西的地方，然后你带了更多东西回来。
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
你有没有注意到，别人的好东西都是狗屎，而你的狗屎也是好东西？
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
我要活，我不要死。这是人生的全部意义：不要死！当我三年级的时候我就明白了这个道理
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
老实坦白是最好的。重要的是你要记住，显然，用消除法，不老实是第二好的。
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little
如果这是真的，我们人类在宇宙中是孤独的，那我只能说，这宇宙所图非大。（什么意思呢）
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
有7个单词你不能在电视上说，。。。。。。屎，尿，操，混蛋，混蛋，混蛋和奶头。（有点像机器翻译。可爱的奶头就这么中枪了）
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
我自言自语。因为只有我的回答我才满意。
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
我刚刚发现生命的意义，它就变了。
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
宗教试图说服人们，有那么一个看不见的人。。。他住在天上，他每一分钟都在盯着你，看着你做每一件事。他列出一个包含了十件事的清单，他不希望你去做。如果你做了其中任意一件事，他会把你送到一个特殊的地方，那里有火，有烧，有烟，你会在那里痛苦地被折磨直到永远。但是，他爱你。还有，他需要钱。
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
如果这事需要一件正式的制服，那它必是无意义的折磨。
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
如果你活得足够久，迟早你认识的所有人都得了癌症。
（我不同意，我把它改为：如果你活得足够久，你会发现你认识的这许多人，有各种奇怪的死法）
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
一旦发现一个无名英雄，他就不是了。
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
总的来说，语言是一个工具，用来隐瞒真相。
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
有没有注意到，比你差的人都是笨蛋，比你强的人都是疯子？
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
我曾是天主教徒，直到我懂事。
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
宗教带给我们的唯一好处是音乐。
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
想一想，当你正在读这句话的时候，在某个地方，某个人，正准备吊死自己。
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
他们称之为『中国梦』，因为你只有睡着了才会相信它。
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
如果一个人一直在笑，他很可能是在卖一件根本不好用的东西。
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
当下，是我最老的时候。
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
金门大桥上应该有一个蹦极。有的人并没有准备好要自杀，他只是想试一试。
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
资本主义在努力达到一个平衡：它尽可能使人得到刚好够多，不会发狂去抢别人的东西。
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
我不怕高。我只是怕从高处掉下来。
