What is my expectation of a relationship? I suddenly come up with such a topic while I was in the middle of the shower.
...Money? No.
...Sex? No.
...Happiness? Maybe.
Case is that, I met such a guy. This guy has a special attraction to me, some kind of poisionous aspect, that made me fell for him. He's a gentleman make no mistake. He's also a humorous guy and a very talented person. He might be a bit passive about lilve, but he is rather focused on his unfulfilled dream, which I believe he would one day become a very fabulous soul mate in life.
I actually don't know how to describe our relationship. I mean, we literally count as "friends":
...We seldom talk if we are not hanging out together or something he needs to know from me.
...We barely "date", and each time it was me who took the initiative and the control of everything.
...We do not know each other very deep like we think we do.
...We simply just hang out, visit some shops and sightseeings, have meals together, then bid goodbye and go back home.
I don't need anyone to tell me that this guy is not that into me. I totally and comprehensively get this. It's quite obvious. We were like toys (or tools) of each other, so that we could spend time playing together, have some fun without engaging into a fixed relationship, which would cut the freedom of ourselves.
Sometimes, I do desire a boyfriend. A real boyfriend. Not a boy friend. I have quite a lot of male friends and definately know not to cross the line and not to break the friendship. These friends give me many different meanings in my life and made me feel that I was not that unattractive or hateful.
But I just fell for this guy.
I am going to spend another 10 more years to fell in love with someone who's not going to love me back. I already tired of this silly thing and I regreted it for last few years. I thought this would be a bit difficult for me to actually accept someone, or let myself drown into another time-wasting fancy.
This guy is really amazing and know how to get the likes and loves from girls. He is not that kind of playboy, although he did smoke. He is not tall, but he has his fashion sense in styling. He knows a lot about various things and could make personal comments regarding each of them. I appreaciate him, from both personality and wisdom.
I know I looked foolish talking like that. As we all know, 2 people makes a relationship. If I want to know his real thoughts, I should probably call him ( yea, I got his phone number 3 years after I knew him... and it was done on yesterday) or ask him out for further investigation. In the end, I decided to zip it and close the file. I actually quite enjoy this kind of "friend", easy come easy go, no responsibility, no commitment, no future, so gone with the wind. Since I am too young and too naive, maybe too agressive and too eager for a relationship to fill the sparetime moment of my life in Shanghai. Or maybe I was just too lonely? I already know that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I really don't believe that there's one guy that would meet my expectation of a soul mate, and most important thing is that, I just can not trust anyone other than myself. Pathetic.
