The prophet said that Phoenix Nirvana and ashes are capable of being reborn. When people hear about this saying, they will feel how tenacious and aggressive this kind of animal is. Actually, people will also come back to life in some situations as the burning Phoenix.

    Diego is my brother, who is not my parents’ flesh and blood but means the person who accompanies me the whole life. If I die, he must follow me to see the Eagle Father, our God. But if he dies before me, I needn’t. He is my guard, my brother and my blood. But he is a timid rabbit. So am I.

    This morning, I was awake in a panic because of a nightmare. In the disturbing dream, I found that I was swallowed by fire and felt extremely painful. I heard the men’s fighting, women’s shouting and children’s crying in it. I didn’t know what happened but I just felt scared then roused.

    “Hey!How’s your dream? I find you flushing. Is there anything special?”Diego heard the noise I made and entered my tent.

    “Terrible things.” I sighed.

    “Come on! It’s just a dream.” Diego consoled me.

    “What’s happening outside?” I threw back the furs and got out of bed, “Why is it so noisy there?”

    “Don’t you know?” Diego answered in surprise, “All of us would move to the wilderness to celebrate the Fire Festival! Lots of food is waiting for me!”

    Fire Festival is the biggest celebration in the prairies. Herdsmen from the same tribe get together to host a feast in honor of Eagle Father. But the banquet is not the most important thing, it is the adult ceremony. Over the rapid river, there will be a fire path, which the aged boys must pass through to be admitted as real men. If you fear to go through it, you will be laughed at all your life and have to do the lowest work instead of fighting, hunting and grazing. Or you feel frightened during the half way and drop into the river, you’ll be washed away by the power of water and they would not save you back.

    It’s cruel, but it is the rule in the prairies—only the brave can live.

    “So, what would you do to deal with this situation?” Now I am standing in the plain with Diegoand other aged boys. We all look at the fire path and wait for the first person to try.

    “Er, can I skip this stage and goto eat the food directly?” Diego asks me with the sweat dropping down from his head.

    “You should ask the prophet for the permission. Hey, Diego, do you find that the fire is always blazing, which looks like a fake one.” I whisper to Diego,“Maybe it is an illusion.”

    “But no one wants to be the first.” Diego amuses, “Altshuler, why don’t you go first?”I refuse him because of the fear coming from my heart. “If it is true, what shallI do?” I question him in my mind.

    After a while, there is one person taking his first step.

    He stands in front of the fire path, using his bare foot to touch it. And the fire rises suddenly to bite the arch of the foot, which makes him scared and shout. He quits immediately. The people in the other bank of the river scoff at him but the prophet says nothing in words and just waits in peace. That first mover feels ashamed and leave alone.

    “It’s true.” Diego says in trembling. It seems that Diego and others become more nervous. Me, too.

    People are scared but it still needs to be continued. Another one moves his first step and gets through it. Others follow him to pass. The people around us are getting less and less. “Shall we follow them?” Diego asks. “Why not, er, wait for the fire to get smaller?” I keep myself calm to respond. “But the fire is still burning as before.” Diego feels anxious, “Altshuler, I doubt whether we will be the only two who remain.”

    I do not say anything then Diego’s words become true. All the adults have passed and losers have been carried away, even the first mover who failed once has already passed. Only we two remain

    Diego holds my hand, “We shall go now, even though scared.”

    “I know but...” My calves compel in spasm when I face the fire path. I hear the men’s scoffing, women’s calling and children’s crying. Although there are no children except us.

    There is something more terrible. I hear the wolves’ howling. They are coming earlier than before. The adult ceremony has not finished and the feast will not begin.That’s just because of my hesitation.

    The wolves come to respond to the calling upon of the prophet’s. The Wolf Mother, another god of ours hide in the pack of wolves to come and celebrate the festival with us. And the herdsmen will send them food.

    “Go,Altshuler, go!” Diego shouts at me and tries to take my hand. But I stand there and never move. “The Wolf Mother is coming! Let’s go, or you will be eaten!You’re the son of head, you’ll be the next leader. You cannot die here.”

    “But Ican’t, I find my joints frozen and I can’t act.” I push him away, “You gofirst, Diego, you are the son of the prophet, passing this path you’ll be the next prophet.”

    “How about you?” Diego asks.

    “For me, just let the Wolf Mother take me away. It’s better than being dead by fire or water. It’s an honor.”

    “Pooh!Only passing the fire you’ll be a warrior then being killed by the Wolf Mother will be an honor! Without passing through it, you’re none.”

    I don’t know how to dismiss his opinion. I know he’s right but I just fear. I fear about the responsibilities after the success and the ridicules after the failure. It is hoped that there is no choice. But this is life, you have to choose.

    After afew moments’ hesitation, I start to move, but the nightmare comes back. I feelI am being swallowed by fire and feel extremely painful. I hear the men’s fighting, women’s shouting and children’s crying in it. Then I come back, I hear the breath of the Wolf Mother’s and I felt the eyesight of the Eagle Father’s. I am trapped in the confusion till I hear Diego’s shouting.

    “Cautions!”He rushes to my direction, pushes out the coming wolf and fights with it. WhenI turn back, I find that Diego is stopping wolf from hitting himself. But therecome more wolves, he could not fight with more ones.

    “What shall I do to help you?” I call on him. “Just keep moving! You passing the fire path is the biggest help for me!”

    “But Ican’t abandon you!”

    “If not, both of us have to see the Eagle Father!” Diego’s arms are trembling, “Please! Whatsoever happens, death is my destiny. Please keep on living with my wishes!”

    “But...”

    “Please!Go!”

    I turn back, then run to the fire path. Stopping before it, I take a deep breath to ignore all the sounds then I dash through the fire path. Actually, when you are absorbed into something, you’ll forget the pain. It is after I has passed thefire path that I feel the pain on the arch of my feet. I lie down on the floor.

    When I stand up and look back, I discover the fire path faded just like it had never existed.And on the opposite bank of the river, I can’t see Diego but see packs of wolves.

    “Diego...”I whisper.

    “Congratulations!”says the prophet in a low voice.

    “Why don’t  you save Diego? He is your flesh and blood.” I’m angry with the prophet.

    “I can’t, it’s his destiny. I can foretell it but I can’t change it just like Ican call upon the coming of wolves but can’t let them go. All things follow Eagle Father’s rule. We can’t make it. It’s his order to kill Diego and you, so he made both of you timid.”

    “But why didn’t he just take Diego away, not me? Just as you said...”

    “He did, the timid you not the brave you.”

    “But Diego... It’s unfair!”

    “That’s the rule, Diego changed but died and you changed and returned. Both of you are not the original you but new ones. Please, live bravely with Diego’s wishes.You will be the leader of the herdsmen as my prediction.” The prophet leaves.

    I stare at the wolves; my tears can’t help dropping but I promise that is my last crying. Sometimes we’re timid as a rabbit. But after we got through something hard, we’d kill the timid us and come to have a rebirth like the Phoenix. And thanks to Diego’s fire, I got my nirvana. I think, perhaps, everyone will have their own Diego to help them change, but I hope that the way is not death any more.

《My Nirvana（涅槃）》创作谈

最初的脑洞是想将九州和冰火两个虚构世界来个碰撞，写篇同人文，于是从两者都有描述到的游牧民族切入，加上苏苏布置的Narration作业，这才有了我的第一篇英文小小说。直到我写创作谈时，才意识到自己在写的时候不自觉的加入了坠灵公约里的元素。所以这篇文本质上是在用别人的设定写自己的故事。

本文参考了《冰与火之歌》中乔老爷子对多斯拉克民族“血盟卫”风俗的描写，以及北九州系统中的对北陆蛮族“踏火节”习俗的描述，而Altshuler的名字就来自江南《九州缥缈录》里的阿苏勒，取其“长生”之意。同时参考了一点《坠灵公约》中对獠国成人礼习俗的描写，主要是关于成人礼通过与否后的身份及工作变化，只是獠国只为了遴选战士，而在此文中成了纯粹的职业分流考试。以上材料均为中文版，且在写作时并未翻阅原文，纯粹凭印象将三者进行融合，但并不能称之为“原创”，至多称之为“加工”。

感谢为我挑错和更正的苏苏、YH，还有通过翻译来帮我修正意思表达的老祖良，以及其他在阅读原文后为我提供修改建议的狗子们。

接下来或许会尝试原创的英文小小说，就看有没有空了。

谨以此文献给我的20岁。