作者：简.尼尔森博士（正面管教创始人）
我们究竟从哪里得到这么一个荒诞的观念，认定若要孩子做得更好，就得先要让他们感觉更糟？这是以惩罚为前提，是真正的荒诞。想想上次你感觉被其他成年人责骂和羞辱了。你会想：“这是如此的有帮助，我真的很感激，我现在做的好多了，我迫不及待地想向你请教我所有的问题。”不可能。事实是，当儿童（和成人）感觉好时，他们会做的更好。
阿德勒心理学的一个主要观点是：一个行为不当的孩子是一个缺乏鼓励的孩子。最强大的变化动力是鼓励。如果一个儿童或成人的行为不当源于失望，当他或她感到被鼓励了，不当行为的动机接着就会消失。
很多年前，我决定检验一下这个理论。我两岁的儿子一直哼哼唧唧，把我心烦得恨不得揍他。但是，我想到了鼓励的概念，便跪下来，给了他一个拥抱，并且告诉他我是多么爱他。他不仅停止了哼唧和哭闹，而且我的烦燥情绪也奇迹般地消失了。
如果一个孩子走过来，天真无邪地对你说：“我是一个孩子，我只是想有所归属，”你会生气吗？会以任何方式让他失望吗？当然不会！然而，大多数成年人没有认识到，一个行为不当的孩子在潜意识中是在说：“我只是想有所归属，而我对如何获得归属感有一些错误的想法。”要一个成年人认识到孩子内心的沮丧，并予以鼓励，而不是更多的阻止反应，这很困难。更容易的是用我们自己更多的负面方式来“反应”孩子的不当行为。
许多发生在家庭和教室的情形，虽然旨在鼓励，却培养不出勇气。成人试图通过惩罚和奖励，以激励变化。积极的结果是暂时的，通常隐含着更多的沮丧失望。儿童可能会为了避免惩罚或获得奖励而做的更好，但他们付出的代价是内在自我控制的丢失，自信的丧失，以及学习生活技能机会的损失。
德雷克斯强调鼓励，并且认为这是成年人在帮助孩子时应该学会的最重要的技能。他说过很多次，“孩子需要鼓励，正如植物需要水。没有鼓励，他们就无法生存。”
鼓励的词根，当然是，勇气。当我们努力鼓励别人和我们自己时，实际上是在帮助发展勇气以面对生活中的挑战和困难。
- A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child By Dr. Jane Nelsen
From www.positivediscipline.com
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that the way to make a child "do" better is to first make him or her "feel worse"? That is the premise of punishment; and it is truly crazy. Think of the last time you felt scolded and humiliated by another adult. Were you thinking, "This is so helpful. I really appreciate it. I will now do so much better, and I can hardly wait to consult you will all my problems." Unlikely. The truth is that children (and adults) do better when they feel better.
A theme of Adlerian psychology is that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. The most powerful motivation for change is encouragement. If a child—or adult—misbehaves out of discouragement, it follows that the motive for misbehavior is removed when he or she feels encouraged.
Many years ago I decided to test this theory. My two-year-old son had been whining and I was so annoyed I felt like spanking him. Instead, remembering the concept of encouragement, I knelt down, gave him a hug, and told him how much I loved him. Not only did he stop whining and crying, but my annoyance magically disappeared.
If a child came up to you and innocently said, "I am a child, and I just want to belong," could you get angry and put that child down in any way? Of course not! What most adults don’t realize is that any child who is misbehaving is subconsciously saying, "I just want to belong, and I have some mistaken ideas about how to accomplish belonging." It takes courage from an adult to recognize the discouragement in a child and to respond with encouragement instead of more discouragement. It is much easier to "react" to the misbehavior with more misbehavior of our own.
Much of what takes place in homes and classrooms, though intended to encourage, does not foster courage. Adults attempt to motivate change through punishment and reward. Positive results are temporary and usually involve a heavy dose of discouragement. Children may do better to avoid the punishment or to gain the reward, but the price they pay is the loss of an inner locus of control, the loss of self-confidence, and the loss of opportunities to learn life skills.。
Dreikurs emphasized encouragement and taught that it is the most important skill adults can learn in helping children. He said many times, "Children need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot survive without it."
The root word of encouragement is, of course, courage. When we strive to encourage others and ourselves, we are actually helping to develop courage to face life’s challenges and difficulties. Encouragement comes in many forms. Each of the many positive discipline tools is designed to help children feel better (encouraged), so they are motivated to do better. Watch for the foundation of encouragement in every Positive Discipline Tool we will be sharing.
