Once having reached a certain age, nothing comes quite as strong as the new year to drive yourself finally into reflections on the past year, and strongly feel obliged to mark the day with something to remember, certainly not birthdays, and definitely not holidays. 

It is officially my fifth year to get on with this special ritual of mine. 

Last I checked my new year resolutions, it dawned on me they had become less and less specific and more of seeking inner peace. In the much early years upon graduation, resolutions tended to be nothing but specific, pursuing something real, seeking from the outside world to possess, to fulfill, to prove myself, to love and feel loved. Now I think about it, all these are simply means to an end, the end that leads to happiness, or so-called inner peace, which perfectly explains the change of direction.

Looking back on resolutions over the past few years, work no doubt has always taken a major part. Yet in 2024, something else, someone else to be exactly, for the first time, mattered much more, if not the same as work. Yes, he's as far as I've considered, the sweetest, whilst work turned out to be the least as I'd expect. Strangely enough, I am not that eager to seek new opportunities as anxiety and insecurity would drive me. Instead, I stopped to think, to contemplate on the past three years since I left XES, to lay out the gains and losses of each choice. Amongst of all, I began to wonder, is it all worth it? All the inner sufferings caused by interpersonal relationships, so much so that a therapist is always needed for the rescue. Would I be happier if I hadn't even left in the first place? 

I am still at lost with answers. I am still weighing the options. 

On a happier note, I'm truly grateful that for both my little brother and myself, our intimate relationships finally started to look up. We both met someone we loved, even though both came with separate problems and hinder-backs. And my beloved parents, never ceased to surprise me with their capability to endure and embrace options that they would never accept. I did in truth, take too much on my own what they could face by themselves. 

My closest friends still remain the two or three of them, almost all of whom have long marched into a totally different stage of life, married with children. They never fail to inspire me of what a great choice they've made to have kids(not so much of the choice of marriage though). I'm in absolute awe for those women who work so hard the provide for the family, and still manage to maintain a balance of different roles. I've no idea what the future holds for me once I've met with the same dilemma as they are having now. If they've ever taught me anything, it's that marriage and kids are worth trying. 

Everything happens for the best, whatever they may be. May it be beginning of a new adventure, or the end to a disappointing experience.

Life will take you where you belong. We may weep over the fact it's all come to an end. 

But always remember to hold onto the belief that we might not belong here. That's all. 

人还是要有信念的：无论这个信念是什么，只要能让你开心起来，ta就是好东西。