策略七：伟大的父母慎用“但是”
练习共情（策略6）是强化我们跟孩子之间情绪连接与关系的最有效方法之一。但是，有一个小小的词语就能够大大地减弱共情的效果：“但是”。
让我用策略6里的例子来进行阐述：“宝贝，我知道你恨不得马上能去蒂姆家，我明白你因为还要再等而沮丧。我也不喜欢要等很久才能做很想做的事情。”到目前为止，这样讲很好。可是我们常常加上这个：“但是，你知道，你必须先做完家务才能够出去。”
“但是”是一个否定词。当你把它放在共情的话后面（就像“我能理解你很沮丧，但是···”）时，前面话的效果就会被最小化。这小小的一个词语，就会减弱你刚刚建立起来的情绪连接，并且激发冲突。
试试这个：当你回应孩子的想法或情感时，以“同时”代替“但是”。“同时”意味着两种看法都是有根据的，从而减少因谁对谁错或谁的想法更好而引起的冲突。
“宝贝，我知道你恨不得马上能去蒂姆家，我明白你因为还要再等而沮丧。我也不喜欢要等很久才能做很想做的事情。同时，要记得我们的家庭规则：晚上要先做完家务才能出去。”
同样的意思，却减少了冲突。（也可以参考策略65，这也是一个通过简单地改变词语来达到重要影响的策略。）
7
Great parents
watch out for “buts”
PRACTICING EMPATHY (SEE #6) is one of the best ways to strengthen our emotional connection and relationship with our kids. But our good efforts to pause and acknowledge what our child is feeling can be undermined with one small word: “but.”
Let me illustrate what I mean, using the example from #6: “Honey, I know you’re upset about having to wait to go to Tim’s house. I can see why you would feel frustrated. I don’t like it either when I have to wait to do something I’m looking forward to.”
So far, so good. But then we often add this: “But you know you have to finish your chores before going out.”
“But” is a negating word. When it follows an expression of empathy (as in, “I can see you’re upset, but . . .”) it has the effect of minimizing what came before. This little word can undermine the emotional connection you just created, and reignite conflict.
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TRY THIS: Instead of saying “but” when you respond to your child’s perspective or expression of feelings, try replacing it with the phrase “at the same time.” (Other good options are “and” or “also.”) Saying “at the same time” implies that both ways of viewing the situation are valid, and this minimizes conflict about which perspective is “better” or “right.”
“Honey, I know you’re upset about having to wait to go to Tim’s house. I don’t like it either when I have to wait to do something I’m looking forward to. At the same time, please remember our family rule about finishing chores before going out for the evening.”
Same message, less conflict. (See also #65 for another simple wording change that can have a big impact.)
