The Delicate Protocol Of Hugging

I'm not a hugger. When I see a registeredpersonal-space invader coming my way at a party, the music from 'Jaws' plays inmy head. And there are lots of people like me -- reasonably comfortable insocial situations, no particular phobias, just a bit reserved in expressions ofphysical intimacy.

For us fans of personal space, these aredifficult times. America has become a hugging culture. What's an Academy Awardwithout a gauntlet of hugs from seat to stage? Any sports win will ignite anorgy of whooping, full-body man hugs. Political empathy in tragedy is measuredin hugs.

We remain a 'medium touch' culture -- morephysically demonstrative than Japan, where a bow is the all-purpose hello andgoodbye, but less demonstrative than Latin or Eastern European cultures, wherehugs are robust and can include a kiss on both cheeks. But we do seem to behugging more.

For men, this is newly slippery terrain.Handshakes are scripted and reliable -- a firm grip, a couple of brisk pumps, anddone. There is evidence of hand-shaking as far back as the fifth century B.C.It may have started as a gesture of peace by proving that the hand held noweapon.

With hugging now in play, men must do rapidsocial calculations: body language, length and nature of the relationship,setting, alcohol effect and the other's intentions. Decisions must be made insplit seconds.

Male friends tell me that they adhere tothe one-second rule (one-Mississippi and . . . break). They also favor theA-frame hug -- shoulders touching, handshake high, a couple of quick taps onthe back. There is no such middle ground for women. It's either shake or hug.

Bill Clinton has perfected the hug that isnot a hug: a handshake complemented by also holding the other's upper arm. Advantage-- more intense than a handshake but short of an embrace, and it can bemaintained indefinitely. It can also easily progress to a full hug as theconversation dictates.

When we expand our exploration to theman-woman hug, things get dicey. Especially at work.

Science says that hugs are healthy: Theyrelease endorphins, strengthen the immune system, boost self-esteem and promotebonding. But they can also put a warning in your personnel file.

There are many valid reasons to hug in anoffice setting -- anything from a big team win to goodbyes after downsizing.But one senior executive I know shared some universal career advice: 'Don'tyell, don't cry, don't hug.' His advice is backed by surveys that say that mostpeople don't want intimacy with other workers.

As the question of whether or not to hugbecomes more situational, the potential rises for awkward encounters. Thebiggest risk: going in for a hug only to realize too late that the other personhad not planned the same. Expert consensus says that if you're going for thehug and it's too late to turn back, don't stop. Press on, but make it quick.

For nonhuggers, there are some defensivemaneuvers. Deflect: Keep something (a desk, a table, a co-worker) between youand the serial hugger until the moment passes. Deny: 'Sorry, I'm not much of ahugger.' Resist: Take physical control with a stiff handshake and firm elbowthat keeps personal space intact. Escape: Find something that requires yourimmediate attention. If nothing comes to mind, drop your cellphone. Lie: 'Ireally don't want you to catch this cold I have.' Or when diversion isn'tfeasible and escape is impossible, accept the hug with an icy response and hopethat the hugger remembers.

Workplace hugging is particularlyproblematic when your workplace happens to be a school. Teachers have been toldnever to hug any child for any reason -- even though a hug is precisely what achild might need.

Many schools have also added a writtenpolicy against hugging between students, with suspensions finding their wayinto national news. Students and some parents are irate at bans on a simple actof affection. But feel for the school administrator, responsible fordetermining when a simple act of affection becomes a more complex situation.

There is always the question: Are weoverthinking this? Maybe we've complicated a simple act to the point that riskhas overtaken reward, and it's just not worth the effort. Some would say it's alamentable loss of human connection. As someone who believes that we call it personalspace for a reason, I'm OK with that.