《Patient》，written by Carlos Manuel Allen
Preface:
As is said in a ancient Chinese story, it may not be a bad thing when a man lost his horse:
"An old man lost his horse"
**There was a man with talent of philosophy, who lost his horse in a day. All people felt sad about it, he said, "How couldn't this be a good thing?" Then months later, his horse lead many many wild horses back, and people all felt he was very luck. But the man said"How couldn't it turn into a bad thing?"
With so many horses to ride and play, his son fell down and can never walk again. So sadly and peole all felt sorry about him. Again the old man said"How could't this be a good thing?"
Years later, people all were involved in the war. Healthy people, old and young, all died except this old man and his son.
Author Liu said, good thing can be bad, and bad can turn into a good thing. This thing can never be predicted. And how deep the philosophy is, just like the changeability of life.
**From book《South Huai River》, Liuxiang, Han dynasty of China.
Chapter one:
People who eagerly want to get the truth shall know that the truth does no work sometimes, and it may change.
After two weeks of many many Hospital Tests, still no clear-ly result. He felt tired and a little upset but still with a happy mind. His name is Allen.
This is a new stage of his life, newly graduated from university, newly signed job contract, newly finished a professional training, newly entered a good start. However, that means nothing to most people who unknow him.
For other people, he has to be treated in a professional TB hospital in at least one year, isolated, staying in bed, eating medicine containing side effect of damaging liver and kidney and stomach, no working out or excises and sports, with yucky bad food near the hospital. That is a unchangeable thing, at least it seems.
Though tired, he thinks that was fine. No one know what he suffered before. How could his mind be so calm this time? That is very interesting. And now, he knew he physically is very good, really very good, as well as his mind.
But he will have to be treated in TB hospital for a year. Why?
Now almost one month past, let me tell you this whole story.
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Months ago, he had a Physical Test at school hospital. The X-ray showed he had something wrong in his lung. It is a shadow inside his lung--(for another the same student, it is, not was, a shadow of his life. He already settled in that professional TB hospital walking on his new career of long term struggle with a unsure TB. I know nothing about his condition, so I can never tell in a certain way.)
Then Allen took a CT. And one rigid kind reputable old-expert contacted by school side pointed at his CT picture and said seriously,
"Have you ever been suffering TB? Or treat in TB hospital in any way? "
Allen, "no, no, and I am not sure. But I never think I had TB I think, so no any treatment history."
"I tell you. This is TB, approximately is. You said you never treat TB. If you are not sure, you can do more hospital test, you know that is pricy. But now I have to write a TB diagnosis result on it. You know, it was not easy to know definitely it is TB or not. You should be treated in special hospital immediately. "
Additionlly he said, "If you are a smart student, a smart student, you will now be at the professional TB hospital in this city. And you know, I asked you the question, if you said you have been treated, I may say you are okay, but you never treat before. So I think you are not okay."
Allen, "Does there any probability that I have sufferred something before and I fight it by self immune system and it was cured?"
Expert, "Yes, you are indeed with a relatively strong immune system, and I believe this TB is now trending to a good way. But you have to be treated one year, I am so sorry that probability have, but seldom happened. And one year later, if you are smart enough, you should know that you will have to be here again and I will determine from many aspect to say you are cured or not. That is cheap, just some hundreds Yuan, and three or four times tests, my test-kit is really nice and different, from America."
Actually Allen went to the "Professional TB Hospital" already before this meet.
A doctor at there told him that "no more hospital tests, you just stay here and we can give you some remedy schemes and see if they will work for you. You have to stay in hospital (stay in bed) at least one month, better for a nine months."
Allen, "How much will it take? I heard that TB medicine is free worldwide, thanks to the topmost wealthy man Bill Gates."
Doctor, "Yep, no worry. Not expensive. And are you sure you want to take free medicine? You know anything free is not certainly good. We have great doctor who can treat you using their own medicine. And most people can get rid of this disease after 1 year, sometimes two year. And check in, and our hospital bed is available for you now. It costs not very much per month."
Allen, "But I feel nothing wrong physically now, I am not cough, not feel any tiny uncomfortable thing now. How am I supposed to stay in hospital with dying patient from now on, I can eat and drink and jump and run, I feel good in every meal, I have a lot of energy to do sports, I workout everyday. I eat 7 eggs every day now. I indeed think I am different from the patient in the hospital I see today, they are really sick, I feel sorry for them even just looking at them."
Doctor, "That is common. Most patients feel nothing even they are severely ill. You are not verg bad from your CT, but some day in future it can likely turn bad. You can never predict the day. "
Allen"Can I do a Bacteria Test here to see whether I am actually Okay? I heard it is a method to diagnose TB."
"Hmmm.., literally you can. But it shows nothing essential. If it shows you are okay as it always likewise to be, no one can tell you are just okay because it is not a decisive evidence. My advice is you just check in today, stay here and start a treatment as soon as possible."
Allen, "so, can I?"
"Hmm, yes. You can, concern that it is a little expensive and takes at least four weeks to get the result. Depite of its futileness, maybe it will delay your treatment. Also it shows nothing significant, and costs a lot of money. Yes, you can."
Allen, "Can I get in, hmm, I mean enter this, for ...?" He reached close to the doctor's room door.
"Oh...No, sorry, stay here, no enter this door, please. The TB is dangerous, you should take responsibility to all people around you, your friends, your roommates, your family members, and the people in the bus, subway."
.....
Allen"Oh, yes, sorry. Thank you a lot. I have to ask for my family and may inform them, so I am sure I can not check in hospital today. Maybe the next day or later.I am sorry, and thanks for your advice."
"That is fine. You can come here at any time, anytime you want to be treated with professional scheme, good doctor, and good medicine."
Allen"Good bye. I will take a mask and try not to take bus. Thank you."
"It is my pleasure."
Days later,Allen feels he is okay. He cannot believe he is ill. And the manner of the doctor and expert makes him a little suspect. He remember that last year "a bad doctor killed a student" in his college and was a big news that time, although now the sea is calm, he feels the wave deep in the dark bottom.
He respects all the people with skills, but he just not want to be treated in a wrong way. He does not want to be a "first sheep to make another news."
And also, he recallex that the doctor in TB hospital told him, "The only way to tell it from TB is to ensure it was sth else, cancer, or lung *itis." Then he determined to go to the most most best hospital in this area.
Chapter two:
He did many many hospital tests after that, no evidence told he is okay or not. And half a month past, he is still okay, only a little tired of running around here and there.
Finally he made a DNA test, using PCR technich, and showed there was something associated with TB.
But doctor said this is not a evident. And another DNA test showed no now-known TB backteria is discovered. Is that a new kind of TB backteria? When will it get angry and kill him?
The doctor in the best hospital said"no evident tells you are a real TB patient, and also we cannot say you are not. So just go home and wait, mostly you are okay. And also, for we are not a special TB hospital, maybe we are not good at this. Acoording to the law, you can back to the special TB hospital and look for advice." But he already went there month ago.
During the time, people from school and many epidemic disease control organization called him, they want him to accept treatment. Also, his parents was informed.
Mom and dad, relatives, friends, classmates, are all worried about him.
They called for say "sorry for hear that and stay calm, accept treatment, no worry."
Fortunately, he explained a whole evening and then his parents said, "make sure to know your condition clearly, do not just listen to others if you are really okay."
And it is truth, he is still okay till now.
If the disease is a volcanon, he believes he wants to see the fire come out, but actually no even a little heat or flame.
Chapter three:
Confront with this unknown disease, he recalled a story of "Moxuyou"(=Likely To Have) in Chinese history. This story is about a Hero in Song dynasty of China, who lead his Amy fight against the enemy but finally was killed by his king with a sin called "Moxuyou=likely to have sin".
This disease is like a "Moxuyou", and medically it is not.
Allen learned from many many books and he eventually concluded that --if he really has TB disease, or in other way Latent TB disease, this situation clearly like the situation of "Unification of Taiwan".
This means, if China Mainland is going to fight, that will be a painful course in both side, soldiers will die, finance, everything, cost a lot.
And if he does not have TB now, after a long term of treatment and stay in hospital with TB patients around him, he can be weak and get real TB eventually. Then he will never have chance to explain, because he will indeed have TB at that time.
He feels a little lost.
Chapter four
With the support of his family and friend, and also his firm mind, he decided to wait and see. He tried to meansure his body temprature, mind every uncomfortable signs of himself, but still okay.
He believes that a unhappy mind can make a healthy man turning ill, so he learned to control his emotion and feelings.
And some day he think himself maybe get the secret of "living long". You must know, even when he was very young, he understand every men have a destiny--one day the death will come--so he wish he can live at least 100 years by eating carefully, maintaining happy mind, doing exercise every day, relaxing a lot....
And he did know the TB is curable, and not a big disease in nowadays. The only thing he feel that way is that, he believes more of his body, and as equal less of the doctor who speak in that weird way.
He does not trust the doctor. He read many books about TB these days, and he think the doctor was likely wrong.
Chapter five
After another one month of waiting and see, people in different intent from different institution called him a lot. Some hope he could accept treatment, some ask whether he is still okay, yes, he is still okay.
In Chinese philosophy, it was said"the best doctors treat patients with no disease, the middle level doctors treat patients with disease, and the bad doctors treat people who almost dying."
Yes, maybe these doctors are super great, they maybe indeed treat people with no disease. That is understandable, but just a little weird.
For example, if one had a cold, he can really be well by just doing exercise, why dortor are all giving him medicine?
And maybe, I guess, people are different, but doctor 's advice is all the same. They need a universal method to treat as more people as they can treat.
Chapter six:
Allen was in a situation of both happy and sad.
Sad thing is as he was targeted of many institution.
And happy half is that when he was targeted by a request of Thesis report, he was absolved and he will be absolve at each time. Professors who supervise him are trying to not come across him, you know the disease is so so dangerous.
After riding bike around this city for a week which he never did before, he was thinking to do things like this.
He decided to go to south China, where open, fashion, high technology, great people gathered.
The first time he booked a flight.
The first time he walked on a elevater in a reverse direction.
The first time he did pull-up on a bus, and subway, weird, but, fun.
The first time he lied to his teacher he went to hometown when he was actually in Canton.
The first time he joined businessman feast.
The first time he .....
Chapter seven
The canton is a very open city of China. People here are somewhat different from people in inner city.
Allen discovered that Canton girls are very very soft, as is called as "soft girl".
When asked a girl the direction of a place, this girl acted very shy and soft, and that is really a real shy. In North China, there are many girls who are pretend to be soft and shy, once you be her boyfriend, she can suddenly "reveal her real face", turning a someone else who is very horrible and treating you a totally different way.
That is the difference of girl between North and south.
However, Allen prefer angry, horrible type more.
Days of traveling here and there, tired, hot weather, Allen had a little cold. He is a little worried about that will activate his "TB demon", but not. He had a sore throat, no cough, no blood.
That means he is still okay.
Till now, he is still at the cross road, maybe be turning a bad way, or just stay there.
He tried best to lead a normal life, writting his thesis, doing excises, and traveling.
The only thing he felt sad is that he can no longer be with his dear roommates again, at least this year it seems, maybe in the rest of his whole life. That was a sad story.
It was just like a situation that you meet a beautiful girl in a subway at a new city, you get on the board without asking her a phone number --that would always be a forever goodbye. Any pity? Maybe, or not.
Chapter eight
This story is no ending. Till now, Allen feels he is okay both physically and in mind. He is more flexible and brave than anytime before because he had suffered a big period of life last year.
Only himself, he knew he had just gone through a big dangerous depression, half a year, even longer than it.
What caused his depression? Why he can never told anyone?
Chapter nine:
The depression is a disease that one can not tell and even know what the main cause. That is a feeling of self-bad. And think about you are at a peak of a mountain, you can not go down, and can also not go up. You are just there for a long time, knowing nothing about everything.
Allen got a nice family education when he was young. He knows at any time, he can never die and anything can be gone through.
He believe in mind that he could go through one day, but did not know how.
He knew clearly that no one, no a single person can understand him just like many other people who suffering depression thought. Even they could understand, no one can really help.
In another way, when I am saying this, you are reading, and you are likely to think that I am telling nonsense. So I choose to speak nothing.
For example, when Allen feels sad. And one cares about him, will ask, "what is wrong with you?"
He may say, "sorry, I do not know."
"There must be a reason to be sad. Tell me, no worry, I will always support you."
Allen, "I am really sorry, I tried a lot to figure it out. But I can not. No more ask me. I really do not know. Now I cannot think things clearly, cannot do any work prefect, can never go on learning anything. I feel I am useless. Do not try to help me, because no one can."
"Oh, I think you are just weird. I am not be bad for you. If you want to tell me something, just tell me. That is all okay, please."
Allen, "sorry, I know you can never understand. I do not want to cheat you, or even fool you. I really tell you the truth. That is hard to get through. I am okay and you just stop asking me any more. I will be thank you. And I can be okay someday."
"Did it because you fail you company? I believe that is the reason. Cheer up, failure is mother of success."
"Come on. Maybe. You can think anything for the reason. I do not want anyone to treat me as a patient, please. Do not show any sorry to me. Goodbye."
When you get a disease, and people cannot help you to go through, on a totally opposite way, they treat you as a patient, pity you, say hello to you. That is terrible when it comes to "depression."
Depression is a disease of low emotion for a long time, caused be multi-reason. The people suffer this want to get through but can not do anything well.
It is likely a psychological disease, but eventually can not tell it is psychological or physical thing. It is a complex thing, more like a atomic bomb explode and it will destory every aspect of a person, mind, physically, capability, performance, daily life as well.
Chapter ten
After he came back from Cabton, he is really ill. Five days living with his friend who is a little more fat than him, he was uncomfortable with the air condition of a very cold mode.
He remembered that night he was waken up by the cold wind coming out from the air condition, and days later he had a cold, running nose, a little cough.
That was dangerous. He talked to his friend, but his friend felt nothing about how serious he was. If he was ill, and maybe it can activate a real flu and even TB disease, that time no company will dare to hire him, and maybe he can never graduate in a normal way.
Additionlly, if he was accepted by post graduation institution, he will be called out.
At that moment, his friends are all of great help to him. His tutor helped to make a apply for his graduation issues, as well as a fund apply for the money he had spent when he was involved in many hospital tests.
Since he wa not in school, his roommate, dear little Edward, who had helped him to write a lot of documents, files, that is a very great thing for him.
For these things he can never "just thank", he decided to write a letter for a thanks, sadly it was handwriten by his roommate dear little Edward.
He is really ill this time.
He caught a flu, maybe just a cold, maybe the fire of TB disease just start to attack him. He stays under sunlight and the cloud hide the sun suddenly.
Chapter eleven
Two days later, he is all okay again.
These days, the situation of the Pacific area involved U.S and North Korea is on the heat.
U.S Great President Donald. J Trump wants to bring his nation into the age of Trump within 100 days after he was elected. He set off his Carrier Troop near the Korea Peninsula.
But the North Korea Great President Jeong Eun Kim is strongly determined to do his nuclear test.
For Allen 's point, they can never fight because there is no decisive weapon can defeat nuclear atomic bomb. Just like his disease, there is cure, but not a decisive one. Maybe among his whole life he is okay, but maybe he can be mistreated and then died in another disease. He feels that the medical level nowadays is terrible.
For a recent example, his sister-in law is suffering a UC, which is a disease of intestine, doctors in this world can not treat it, only some medicine to control the symptoms.
Last two days, Allen 's consin went here to have a consult at the best hospital in this place. After two days and nights of keeping in line, they had a oppointment with the doctor. And the doctor talked with them no more than 2 minutes, and suggested them to do test again which they did a few days ago. That test is a uncomfortable one, and costs a lot money. And additionly, they got that the doctor, who is an expert, has no other way to treat UC disease. He just wants to make sure the situation by referring to a recent test.
What if a patient does too many tests and makes his situation worse?
What if a patient runs here and there across long long distances and then with still no results? And the tiredness makes him or her worse and worse?
The doctor, any doctors take no responsobility for these kind of things.
Allen knows that China has a big population, and doctors are too tired with so many patient. But the patient, should be taken into care more.
That is so terrible.
Anyway, the world sometimes is so cruel. According the Darwin 's nature theory, only the stronger can control the world.
We need no complain, we just fight, wait, with patience.
Chapter Twelve
The hundred interesting ways of death
Allen is in a dilemma.
He is thinking a lot of choices.
For one, if he accepts the doctor's advice, to stay in hospital, with the medicine curing him and also destory his liver and kidney and stomach, to eat yucky food with no protein and energy, he may die in bed.
For another, he just does no treatment and wait, he may lose his job and his future, because no one wants to hire a man with TB, even a latent TB, with no symptom at all.
For another another, he may ruin his health, and tries to stay late at night, eat terrible food, be tired all day with no test. This way he may activate the TB, and then be a real patient. How fool he is.
Phychologically, if he thinks this all day, he must be ill in mind. So he decided to think about something else.
This thing is so hard to forget, but there are still many other things he is interested in.
Chapter thirteen
After days of forgeting all these troublesome and focusing on the basic of medical knowledge, he realized a way to prove "He is really okay".
That still needs to wait, but not just seat there doing nothing. He has a lot things in the rest of his boringly-long life.
He loves aircraft, especially of the military. Searching all kind of magizine from 1958-2013, he will be happy to discover new things.
He loves espanol, too. The fast speed, balabala way, is all very interegente para him.
He loves human intelligent, thinks that is a way to solve human crisis in future.
But he could now never tell anyone what will he do, they may think he be foolish.
Little surprise can always happen in life. Be patient and we will see the truth.
Thousands years ago, there was one ancient story about a man talking about the method of efficient military attack:
"War drum striked once, the king wanted to fight, he say, no panic, wait.
War drum twice, the king was about to launch attack, he said, ,nonono, hold on please, be patient.
War drum the third time, the king was eagerly to command, he said, "That's the time." Eventually they made a big victory.
After that the king asked him for the reason. He said, "Drum once, the enemy was angry. Twice, they was boried. Then the third time, they lose their fighting will and exhausted.
To fight aganist a exhaust enemy is easy."
The founder of China Mao Zedong once said, the historical wiseman Mr.Zhugeliang was stupid to separate his military forces to fight another states, that is why he died with failure and sadness. The wise way is to use ur strength to strike the weakness.
Sometimes just wait, be patient.
Chapter fourteen
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