积极的幻想能保护夫妻免受不安全感的困扰
关键点
积极的幻想包括看到伴侣身上最好的一面并夸大他们的优点。
积极的幻想有益于人际关系，能够促进满足感和稳定性。
积极的幻想可能会削弱男性依恋回避对关系满意度的负面影响
随着情人节的临近，您可能正在考虑如何与您的浪漫伴侣（或伴侣们）一起庆祝——出去跳舞、买他们最喜欢的花或做一顿特别的饭。这些体贴的举动可能会给你们的关系带来一些短暂的快乐，但也许这个情人节是一个思考如何让你们的关系长期幸福的机会。也许看到伴侣最好的一面这样简单的事情就能克服关系中的不安全感，而且可能比花很多钱出去玩一晚更能确保持久的满足感。
我们的研究和其他许多研究都表明，缺乏安全感的人在恋爱关系中会遇到很多挑战。他们可能对伴侣的爱更加怀疑，不愿意分享自己最深的情感，总是遇到问题，或者不确定如何才能最好地支持对方度过艰难时期。
以梅和德里克为例（根据我们研究中几位研究参与者的综合经历，他们成为了一对情侣），他们订婚了，非常相爱。梅有很强的依恋 焦虑，所以她担心德里克是否会一直爱她，并缠着他寻求安慰。相比之下，德里克则更加回避，在情感上与梅亲近或感到脆弱时感到不舒服。他们的不安全感有时会妨碍亲密关系，因为当梅看起来很担心时，德里克会远离她，这只会加剧她的恐惧，让他觉得自己的爱不够。不安全感往往会削弱两个人之间的关系，即使他们彼此深爱着对方。
关系中的依恋安全感
许多人在恋爱关系中都会感到不安全感，这会导致当下和长期的不幸福。但即使你有时（或经常）感到不安全，你仍然有可能拥有幸福的恋爱关系。在观察性研究中，夫妻互相帮助应对压力，视频被记录下来，有支持性的伴侣会减轻人们的不安全感对恋爱关系满意度的负面影响。换句话说，伴侣越令人放心、温暖和认可，即使夫妻双方缺乏安全感，他们就越不可能不幸福。尽管人们有时会担心自己脆弱或怀疑伴侣的爱，但这些感觉不必妨碍他们成为好伴侣和拥有幸福的恋爱关系。
对伴侣的积极幻想
但只有伴侣之间的行为举止才重要吗？你可能想知道是否还有其他方法可以保护一段关系免受不安全感的影响。我们研究了情侣之间如何看待对方。例如，梅和德里克拥有所谓的积极幻想，这保护了他们的关系。积极幻想是对他人的夸张的积极看法，通常被称为通过“玫瑰色眼镜”看待他人。
梅是个非常有爱心的人，她会做一些小事情，比如当她知道德里克本周很忙时，会给他的车加油，或者当她心情不好时，会倾听他讲述工作上的问题。德里克向朋友们夸赞梅是多么的有爱心和善解人意。德里克认为梅比她自己描述的还要体贴，甚至比她的朋友和家人对她的描述还要体贴。德里克对梅的看法并非完全不准确或脱离现实，但这是他对梅的尊重的放大，这是一种积极的错觉。
拥有积极的幻想可能会让伴侣们经受住关系自然起伏的考验。积极的幻想与更长久、更幸福的关系以及关系稳定性有关。但如果伴侣缺乏安全感怎么办？积极的幻想仍然重要吗？我们发表了一项针对近 200 对新婚夫妇的研究，以探讨这个问题。
关于换位思考缓冲不安全感的积极幻想
夫妻在婚后头两年内多次完成调查，并评估他们的依恋安全感、婚姻满意度和积极幻想。虽然你可以对任何伴侣的品质抱有积极幻想，但我们专注于对换位思考的积极幻想，因为相信你嫁给了一个真正理解你的想法和感受的伴侣，这是令人满意的关系的重要组成部分。
毫不奇怪，抱有积极幻想的夫妻关系也更幸福。夫妻双方越能看到对方的优点，越相信对方能理解自己，他们对这段关系就越满意。反之亦然：没有积极幻想的夫妻，或抱有消极幻想（对伴侣的看法比实际情况更消极）的夫妻，他们的关系就不那么幸福。
积极的幻想有时也能缓冲配偶不安全感带来的负面影响。尽管妻子的积极幻想并不能保护夫妻关系免受不安全感的影响，但丈夫的积极幻想却能。丈夫越是积极地看待妻子，他们的依恋回避对夫妻婚姻满意度的影响就越小。也许当丈夫不愿意分享内心的想法和感受时，相信妻子真的能理解是一种解脱。他们可能会想，“我的伴侣了解我，我不用多说”，即使这种看法并不完全正确。相信自己与一个有洞察力的伴侣在一起，丈夫在争吵时会更友善，他们可能觉得没有必要在情感上与妻子保持距离，这也会让他们的妻子更快乐。
这对梅和德里克意味着什么？由于他们都对伴侣的换位思考抱有积极的幻想，德里克的情感距离不会让他们当下不开心，应该可以防止他变得不开心。然而，积极的幻想可能无法保护这对夫妇免受梅的需要所带来的负面影响。
积极幻想的弊端
你现在可能会想，积极幻想是否有弊端？对他人抱有“幻想”难道不总是好事吗？好吧，你可能是对的。我们的研究得出了一些意想不到的结果：当丈夫有积极幻想时，丈夫的依恋焦虑和妻子的依恋回避使他们的关系在日后更加令人痛苦。性别模式——积极幻想加剧了丈夫的依恋焦虑和女性的依恋回避的影响——可能与人们的社会化方式有关。在西方文化中，性别规范规定，情感距离和自力更生在男性比女性更为典型，女性应该比男性更关心情感亲密。对于违反这些性别规范的人来说，认为你的伴侣一眼就看穿了你的这些弱点和情感弱点可能会令人感到威胁。
在你们的关系中保持乐观
既然我们知道了积极幻想有其局限性，我们是否应该扔掉“玫瑰色眼镜”？绝对不是！我们的研究和许多其他人的研究表明，积极幻想有助于促进关系中的幸福。我们鼓励您在情人节和一年中的每一天都戴上玫瑰色眼镜。通过看到伴侣身上最好的一面来培养积极幻想，不要再猜测他们是否真正了解您。积极的幻想可能会在动荡时期保护您的关系并使您免受不安全感，尤其是当丈夫对情感脆弱感到不舒服时。
与理查德·里格比 (Richard Rigby) 合著，后者正在西蒙弗雷泽大学攻读临床心理学博士学位。他的研究重点是积极幻想和帮助夫妻有效沟通以确保令人满意的关系。
Positive Illusions Protect Couples From Insecurity
Treat your relationship this Valentine’s Day: Put on rose-coloured glasses.
KEY POINTS
Positive illusions involve seeing the best in a partner and exaggerating their positive qualities.
Positive illusions benefit relationships, fostering satisfaction and stability.
Positive illusions may weaken the negative effect of men’s attachment avoidance on relationship satisfaction.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, you may be thinking about how to celebrate with your romantic partner (or partners)—going out dancing, buying their favourite flowers, or making a special meal. These thoughtful gestures might bring some momentary joy to your relationship, but perhaps this Valentine’s Day is a chance to think about how to keep your relationship happy in the long run. It may be that something as simple as seeing the best in your partner can overcome relationship insecurity and might do more to ensure lasting satisfaction than spending a lot of money on one night out.
Our research and that of many others shows that people who are insecure experience a lot of challenges in their relationship. They may have more doubts about their partner’s love, be reluctant to share their deepest emotions, have perpetual problems, or feel unsure how to best support each other through tough times.
Consider Mei and Derek (a couple based on the combined experiences of several research participants in our study), who were engaged and very much in love. Mei had high attachment anxiety so she worried about whether Derek would always love her and pestered him for reassurance. In contrast, Derek was more avoidant and felt uncomfortable getting emotionally close or feeling vulnerable with Mei. Their insecurity sometimes got in the way of intimacy because Derek would withdraw from Mei when she seemed worried, which only intensified her fears and made him feel like his love wasn’t enough. Insecurity can often weaken a relationship between two people even when they care deeply about each other.
Attachment Security in Relationships
Many people experience insecurity in their relationship, and it can lead to unhappiness in the moment and long term. But it is still possible to have a happy relationship, even if you sometimes (or often) feel insecure. In observational studies where couples were video recorded helping each other with stressors, having a supportive partner lessened the negative effect of people’s insecurity on relationship satisfaction. In other words, the more reassuring, warm, and validating a partner was, the less likely the couple was to become unhappy even if they were insecure. Even though people sometimes worry about being vulnerable or doubt their partner’s love, these feelings don’t have to get in the way of being good partners and having a flourishing relationship.
Positive Illusions of Romantic Partners
But is it only how partners behave towards each other that matters? You might wonder if there are other ways to protect a relationship from insecurity. We studied how romantic partners see each other. For example, Mei and Derek have what are called positive illusions, which protect their relationship. Positive illusions are exaggerated positive views of others, often referred to as seeing others through “rose-coloured glasses.”
Mei is a pretty caring person, and she does small things like putting gas in Derek’s car when she knows he has a busy week or listening to his work problems even when she’s had a bad day too. Derek raves to friends about how loving and understanding she is. Derek sees Mei as even more caring than she would describe herself, and even more caring than her friends and family would describe her. Derek’s view of Mei isn’t completely inaccurate or out of touch with reality, but it is an amplification of his regard for her, which is a positive illusion.
Having positive illusions may allow partners to weather natural relationship ups and downs. Positive illusions are related to longer and happier relationships and relationship stability. But what if partners are insecure? Will positive illusions still matter? We published a study with almost 200 newlywed couples to examine just this question.
Positive Illusions About Perspective-Taking Buffer Insecurity
Couples completed surveys multiple times over the first two years of their marriage and rated their attachment security, marital satisfaction, and positive illusions. Although you can have positive illusions about any partner quality, we focused on positive illusions about perspective-taking because believing you are married to a partner who really understands your thoughts and feelings is an important part of a satisfying relationship.
Unsurprisingly, couples who had positive illusions also had happier relationships. The more spouses saw the best in their partner and believed that their partner was understanding, the more satisfied they both were in their relationship. The opposite was also true: Spouses who did not have positive illusions, or those who had negative illusions—seeing their partner in a more negative light than was true—were less happy in their relationship.
Positive illusions also sometimes buffered the negative effects of spouses’ insecurity. Although wives’ positive illusions did not protect relationships from insecurity, husbands’ positive illusions did. The more husbands saw their wives in a positive light, the less powerfully their attachment avoidance affected the couples’ marital satisfaction. Perhaps when husbands are uncomfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings, believing their wife is really understanding is a relief. They might think, “My partner gets who I am without me having to say much,” even if this perception is not entirely true. The belief that they are with an insightful partner may mean that husbands are kinder during arguments, and they may not feel the need to distance themselves emotionally from their wives, which also makes their wives happier.
What does this mean for Mei and Derek? As they both have positive illusions about their partner’s perspective-taking, Derek’s emotional distance will not make them unhappy in the moment and should prevent him from becoming unhappy. However, positive illusions may not shield the couple from the negative effects of Mei’s neediness.
The Downsides of Positive Illusions
You might now be wondering are downsides to positive illusions? Surely having “illusions” about others isn’t always desirable? Well, you might be right. There were some unexpected results in our study: Husbands’ attachment anxiety and wives’ attachment avoidance made their relationships even more distressing down the road when husbands had positive illusions. The gendered pattern—positive illusions worsening the effects of husbands’ attachment anxiety and women’s attachment avoidance—may be related to how people are socialized. In Western culture, gender norms dictate that emotional distance and self-reliance are more typical for men than women, and that women should be more concerned about emotional intimacy than men. For individuals who violate these gender norms, thinking your partner sees right through you to these vulnerabilities and emotional weak points could be threatening.
Keep Your Rose-Coloured Glasses on in Your Relationship
Now that we know positive illusions have their limits, should we toss out our “rose-coloured glasses”? Absolutely not! Our research and that of many others suggest that positive illusions foster happiness in relationships. We encourage you to put on your rose-coloured glasses for Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year. Develop your positive illusions by seeing the best in your partners and don’t second guess whether they truly get you. Positive illusions may protect your relationship in turbulent times and shield you from insecurity, especially when husbands are uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability.
Co-authored with Richard Rigby, MA, who is completing his PhD in Clinical Psychology at Simon Fraser University. His research focuses on positive illusions and helping couples communicate effectively to ensure a satisfying relationship.
