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作者：大卫•佩尔泽
翻译：黄思明
译者自序(略，详见第三章和第五章)
Chapter 4 Fight For Food
第四章 食物斗争
The summer after the burn incident, school became my only hope of escape. Except for the short duration of a fishing trip, things with Mother were touch and go, or smash and dash - she would smash me, and I would dash to the solitude of the basement/garage.
“意外烧伤事件”后，那个夏天，学校就变成我唯一逃离魔抓的希望。除了短暂的钓鱼旅行期间，同母亲一起的时候，总叫人“刻骨铭心”和“感触良多”，或者说“击成碎片”和“砸成肉泥”——她会砸我，并且我也会被地下室的独处时光“击成碎片”。
The month of September brought school and bliss. I had new clothes and a shiny, new lunch pail.Because Mother had me wear the same clothes week after week, by October my clothes had become weathered, torn and smelly. She hardly bothered to cover my bruises on my face and arms.
九月终于给我带进天堂。我拥有新衣服，并且有了一个闪闪发光的午餐桶。因为母亲总是让我穿同一件衣服，一周接着一周，到十月，我的衣服又破又旧，还带着发霉味。妈妈对于掩盖我面部和手臂的瘀青，从未感到困扰。
When asked, I had my ready-made excuses Mother brainwashed into me. By then, Mother would ‘forget’ to feed me any dinner. Breakfast wasn't much better. On a good day, I was allowed left-over cereal portions from my broth- ers, but only if I performed all of my chores before going to school.
当我被问时，我总是将母亲给我洗脑的借口，应答自如。那时，母亲会经常“忘记”给我准备晚餐。早餐也是胡乱应付。心情好，母亲就把哥哥们吃剩的赏赐给我吃；前提是我在上学前，把所有家务活干好了。
At night I was so hungry, my stomach growled as if I were an angry bear. At night I lay awake concentrat- ing on food. ‘Maybe tomorrow I'll get dinner,' I said to myself. Hours later, I would drift off to sleep, fantasizing about food. I mainly dreamed of colossal hamburgers with all the fixings. In my dreams I seized my prize and brought it to my lips, I visualized every inch of the hamburger.
晚上，我就会觉得很饿。我的肚子咕咕叫，就像一只饿急的熊。我躺在床上，总是集中所有精力在幻想食物上：垂涎欲滴的肥肉，以及肉上还有冒着泡沫的厚块奶酪，从生菜和土豆之间，布满了佐料。
The meat dripped with grease, and thick slices of cheese bubbled on top. Condiments oozed between the lettuce and tomato. As I brought the hamburger closer to my face, I opened my mouth to devour my prize, but nothing happened.I'd try again and again, but no matter how hard I struggled, I could not taste a morsel of my fantasy. Moments later I would wake up, with my stomach more hollow than before. I could not satisfy my hunger; not even in my dreams.
当我把汉堡凑近脸时，我张开嘴狼吞虎咽，这就是所谓的奖赏，但是，一切不过是幻想罢了。我一遍遍重复着白日梦，但不论我多么挣扎努力，我从没吃过我幻想中的食物，哪怕就一小口。后来，随着我肚皮干瘪下去，我还是被饿醒了。我对饥饿很不满，哪怕它仅仅在我梦中。
Soon after I had begun to dream about food, I started stealing food at school. My stomach coiled with a combination of fear and anticipation.Anticipa- tion because I knew that with in seconds, I would have something to put in my stomach.
之后不久，我已做梦任何食物，我开始在学校偷食物。混合着恐惧和期待，我百肠结愁。期待，那是因为我知道，只需要几秒钟时间，我会偷吃东西，填饱肚子。
Fear because I also knew that at any time, I could get caught stealing. I always stole food before school began, while my classmates were playing outside the building. I would sneak to the wall, right outside my homeroom, drop my lunch pail by another pail and kneel down so nobody could see me hunting through their lunches.
恐惧，那是因为我也知道，我可能在任何时候被抓现行。我总是在课前偷食物，这时，同学们跑户外玩耍去了。我会溜到墙角——我们班级外门右手边，把我午餐桶放在别人午餐桶旁边，并俯身跪在上面，这样没人看得我正偷吃他们的午餐🥣。
The first few times were easy, but after several days, some students began to discover Twinkies and other deserts missing from their lunches. Within a short time, my classmates began to hate me.
最初几次，都很容易。但是几天后，同学们发现，自己午餐桶的手指奶油蛋糕和其他点心都不翼而飞了。在短时间内，同学们开始讨厌我。
The teacher told the principal, who in turn informed Mother. The fight for food became a cycle. The principal's report to Mother led to more beatings and less food for me at the house.
老师报告给校长，校长这才有机会通知妈妈。食物斗争变成一场🤣恶性循环游戏。校长的报告，导致妈妈更加痛打我，并在家给予更少的食物。
On weekends, to punish me for my thefts, Mother refused to feed me. By Sunday night, my mouth would water as I began to plot new, fool-proof ways to steal food without getting caught. One of my plots was to steal from other first-grade rooms, where I wasn't known as well.
周末，母亲为了惩罚我的偷盗，拒绝给我食物。周日晚上，我开始密谋下一次偷盗食物行动，这之前，我只能不停地喝水。为了偷食物不被抓，我密谋了方方面面，总以为下一次绝不可能被发现。其中有一个密谋时，趁着我在低年级学生当中，还没有臭名昭著，赶紧去偷一下。
On Monday mornings I would dash from Mother's car to a new first-grade classroom to pick through lunch boxes. I got away with it for a short time, but it didn't take long for the principal to trace the thefts back to me.
星期天的早晨，我会从老妈的车中冲出，直奔一年级新生班级，翻遍午餐桶。我虽然短暂逃脱惩罚，但是，不久校长寻贼踪就找到我。
At the house, the dual punishment of hunger and violent attacks continued. By this time, for all practical purposes, I was no longer a member of the family. I existed, but there was little or no recognition.
在家里，饥饿和暴力，双重的打击持续发生。基于所有现实目的，我不再是这个家的成员之一。我活着，但没有丁点或者说毫无存在感。
Mother had even stopped using my name; referring to me only as The Boy. I was not allowed to eat meals with the family,play with my brothers, or watch television. I was grounded to the house. I was not allowed to look at or speak to anybody.
妈妈甚至已经放弃使用我的真名，提到我只说“那个男孩”。妈妈不许我同大家一起吃肉，不许我同哥哥们玩，不许我看电视。我被丢弃在地上，一分不值。妈妈甚至不许我用眼睛瞅别人，更不许我说话。
When I returned to the house from school, I immediately accomplished the various chores Mother assigned me. When the chores were finished, I went directly to the basement, where I stood until summoned to clean off the dinner table and wash the dishes.
当我从学校返回家中，我立刻要完成妈妈指派我的各种家务活。当杂活干完后，我直接被赶到地下室，我要被罚站在那里，直到等妈妈唤我收拾晚餐桌子，并洗干净碗碟。
It was made very clear that getting caught sitting or lying down in the basement would bring dire consequences. I had become Moth- er's slave.
我被抓而受罚地下室这件事，或坐或躺，很明显都会带来严重后果。我已经成为妈妈的奴隶。
Father was my only hope, and he did all he could to sneak me scraps of food. He tried to get Mother drunk, thinking the liquor might leave her in a better mood. He tried to get Mother to change her mind about feeding me.
父亲是我唯一的希望，并且，他确实尽了最大努力，溜到我这里，偷塞给我食物残渣。父亲尝试灌醉母亲，认为酒精可能让妈妈心情好一点。爸爸试过就如何养育我，改变妈妈的想法。
He even attempted to make deals, promising her the world. But all his attempts were useless. Mother was as solid as a rock. If anything, her drunkenness made it worse. Mother became more like a monster.
爸爸甚至期望和妈妈做交易，许她全世界任何愿望。但是，父亲所有的尝试，都是无用功。母亲就如茅坑里的石头——又臭又硬。甚至有时候，喝酒的母亲只能状态更糟糕。母亲变得越来越如同一只野兽。
I knew Father's efforts to help me led to stress between he and Mother. Soon, midnight arguments began to occur. From bed I could hear the tempo build to an ear-shattering climax.
我知道，父亲努力帮我，导致他和妈妈关系紧张。很快，午夜争吵开始发生了。我躺在床上，从吵架的开端，跟着节奏，一直听到高潮——摔盆砸锅。
By then they were both drunk, and I could hear Mother scream every vulgar phrase imaginable. It didn't matter what issue started the fight, I would soon be the object of their battle.
那时，他们都喝了酒，我能听到妈妈歇斯底里，言语粗俗，绝难想象，不堪入耳。吵架不论起始于各种话题，我很快会成为他们争斗的那个对象。
I knew Father was trying to help, but in bed I still shivered with fear. I knew he would lose, making things worse for me the next day. When they first began to fight, Mother would storm off in the car with the tyres screeching.
我懂，父亲正努力帮我，但是，躺在床上，我仍然是恐惧得颤抖起来。我知道，父亲会失落，第二天的我只会更难以承受。当他们第一天吵架开始，母亲会在车里，如同轮胎滋滋响一样，暴怒不已。
She usually returned home in less than an hour. The next day, they would both act as if nothing had happened. I was grateful when Father found an excuse to come down to the basement and sneak me a piece of bread. He always promised me he would keep trying.
通常，母亲会在车上凌辱我将近一小时之后，才返回家中。第二天，他们装作若无其事，好像什么事也没发生过一样。我很感激，父亲找了一个借口来到地下室，并偷偷塞给我一片面包。父亲总是承诺我，他会继续坚持尝试帮我。
As the arguments between Mother and Father became more frequent, he began to change. Often after an argument, he would pack an overnight bag and set off in the middle of the night for work. After he left, Mother would yank me out of bed and drag me to the kitchen.
随着父母争吵频率增加，父亲开始改变。往往一轮争吵后，父亲会整晚打包行李，为午夜去工作做准备。父亲离家后，母亲把我从床上抓下来，将我拖进厨房。
While I stood shivering in my pyjamas, she'd smack me from one side of the kitchen to the other. One of my resistance techniques was to lay on the floor acting as though I didn't have the strength to stand. That tactic didn't last long. Mother would yank me up by the ears and yell into my face with her bourbon breath, for minutes at a time.
当时，我穿着睡衣裤，尽管想站直了，可是吓得直哆嗦。母亲用大嘴巴子打我，把我从厨房这头，扇到另一头。我的抵制方法之一，就是躺倒地板上，扮演一个弱者，好像我已无力站起来。这个策略也不能持续用很久。母亲拧着我耳朵，把我从地上拽起来，对着我双耳一顿臭骂和歇斯底里，带着满身酒气，对着我的脸一阵尖叫怒喝，每次总要持续好几分钟。
On these nights, her message was always the same: I was the reason she and Father were having problems. Often I became so tired, my legs would shake. My only escape was to stare at the floor and hope that Mother would soon run out of steam.
在那些疯狂的夜晚，母亲的主题总是一样的：我成为了她和爸爸所有问题的总源头。往往我就变得很疲倦，我双腿都会不自觉发抖。我唯一的逃避方式就是，盯着地板发呆，希望母亲很快就像水蒸气一样，消失不见。
By the time I was in the second grade, Mother was pregnant with her fourth child. My teacher, Miss Moss, began to take a special interest in me. She began by questioning me about my attentiveness. I lied, saying I had stayed up late watching television. ^_^
那时，我正在念二年级，妈妈又第四次怀上小孩。我的老师莫斯小姐，开始对我十分感兴趣。老师开始对我的心不在焉，问了一些问题。我撒谎说，我昨晚看电视耽误了睡哦。
My lies were not convincing, and she continued to pry not only about why I was sleepy, but also about the condition of my clothes and the bruises on my body. Mother always coached me on what to say about my appearance, so I simply passed Mother's story to the teacher.
我的谎言不能让人信服，并且，老师继续试探我，不仅仅问为何我困倦不堪，而且问我衣服状况，自己身体上的淤青。母亲在家总给我洗脑，编了很多故事，掩饰她的暴力，因此，我十分轻松就用母亲的故事骗过莫斯老师。
Months crept by and Miss Moss became more persistent. One day, she finally reported her concerns to the school principal. He knew me well as the food thief, so he called Mother. When I returned to the house that day, it was as if somebody had dropped an atomic bomb. Mother was more violent than ever.
几个月悄然而过，莫斯小姐变得更加坚持不懈。有一天，她最终把所有重点，汇报到校长那里。校长也知道我是那个偷食物的贼，因此，他又通知老妈。那天我回到家，好像有人扔下一颗原子弹。母亲比以往任何一次，都要暴躁。
She was furious that some ‘Hippie' teacher had turned her in for child abuse. Mother said that she would meet with the principal by the next day to justify all the false accusations. By the end of the session, my nose bled twice and I was missing a tooth.
某些“爱管闲事”的老师，已经转移注意力，怀疑她是虐待孩子的凶手，对此，母亲暴怒不已。母亲说，第二天她会亲自会见校长，辩解所有荒谬的嫌疑指控。那次会见的结果就是，我为此付出代价——丢失一颗牙，并两次鼻子受伤流血。
When I returned from school the next afternoon, Mother smiled as if she had won a million-dollar sweepstake. She told me how she had dressed up to see the principal, with her infant son Russell in her arms.
第二天下午，当我从学校返回家时，母亲笑眯眯，好像中了五百万彩票一样。她告诉我，如何着装见过校长，并怀抱着婴孩弟弟罗素。
Mother told me how she had explained to the principal how David had an overactive imagination. Mother told him how David had often struck and scratched himself to get attention, since the recent birth of his new brother, Russell, I could imagine her turning on her snake-like charm as she cuddled Russell for the benefit of the principal.
妈妈告诉我，她如何向校长解释说，大卫这孩子有着过于活跃的想象力。母亲向校长继续解释说，自从生了小弟弟罗素以后，大卫经常性自虐地捶打和抓破自己，以求得到关注。我能想象到母亲转移向阴险——如搂着小弟弟罗素，这类迷人举动，以期望获得校长的好感（译者注，这一段母亲所表现的虚伪和狡诈，真可谓人间寒冷，只因我们家老母亲和小说中大卫母亲有得一拼，童年母亲的阴冷面容，每每让我不寒而栗，她对于学校老师批斗我的事件，大为赞赏，并把我初入重点中学的功劳也归位是那个王黑虎揍我揍得好，这一点，哪怕母亲去世多年，我也没办法原谅他，我从小就有癫痫症，王黑虎把我拖到千余人的全校师生面前，拳打脚踢，尤不解恨，以后一个星期，每天把我拉去揍一顿，从学前班揍到六年级，正好就是七天整，好几次把我癫痫病打得犯了，仍然不停手，要不是有位数学老师发现端倪，我几乎被他当场弄死，母亲对我挨揍，不仅大为赞赏，还把王黑虎请到家里吃饭，我妈不仅敬酒夹菜，也如同大卫母亲一样笑眯眯地当着我的面说。“我希望我们有更多的合作”，王黑虎得了授权，打我也就更加带劲，不同于小说中的大卫，学校确实最后救了他一命，我却要忍受直到初中，小学阶段，我几乎是毫无朋友可言）。
At the end of their talk, Mother said that she was more than happy to cooperate with the school. She said they could call her any time there was a problem with David. Mother said the staff at school had been instructed to pay no attention to my wild stories of child beating or not being fed.
他们谈话结束时，母亲说，她期望同学校有更多的合作。母亲说，有关大卫的任何一个问题，学校随时可以打电话给她。母亲还说，她已吩咐老师们不用在意一个孩子的信口胡说，诸如挨打和没饭吃的故事。
Standing there in the kitchen that day, listening to her boast, gave me a feeling of total emptiness. As Mother told me about the meeting, I could sense her heightened confidence, and her new confidence made me fear for my life. I wished I could dissolve and be gone forever. I wished I would never have to face another human being again.
那天我站在厨房，看着她得意洋洋的样子，只觉得生命毫无意义。当母亲告诉我有关家校会议的事，我能感到她绝对的自信，并且，她新建立的自信，使我对自己的小命格外恐惧。我希望自己能现实，永远离开这个家。我期望，我再不要面对人性中的残酷与黑暗。
That summer, the family vacationed at the Russian River. Although I got along better with Mother, the magical feeling had disappeared. The hayrides, the weenie roasts and story telling were things of the past. We spent more and more time in the cabin. Even the day trips to Johnson's Beach were rare.
那个夏天，我们全家在俄罗斯河度假。尽管我同母亲和平相处，奇妙的感觉已经消失。马车故事、一起品尝维也纳烤肠和讲传奇故事等等，都已成往事。我们在小木屋待的时间，越来越长。甚至于，我们白天去强森沙滩的时间也十分罕见。
Father tried to make the vacation more fun by taking the three of us to play on the new super slide. Russell, who was still a toddler, stayed in the cabin with Mother. One day, when Ron, Stan and I were playing at a neighbor's cabin, Mother came out onto the porch and yelled for us to come in immediately.
父亲努力让暑假变得更有趣，他带着我们仨兄弟，玩一种超酷的滑滑梯。弟弟罗素，还在蹒跚学步，只能和妈妈待在小木屋里。一天，罗恩、斯坦和我正在邻居家小木屋玩耍，母亲来到门口，对着我们尖叫道：“立刻，给我滚进去。”
Once in the cabin, I was scolded for making too much noise. For my punishment, I was not allowed to go with Father and my brothers to the super slide. I sat on a chair in a corner, shivering, hoping that something would happen so the three of them wouldn't leave. I knew Mother had something hideous on her mind.
有一次在小木屋里，我因为太吵闹被狠狠责骂。为了惩罚我，母亲不许我和爸爸哥哥们玩超级滑滑梯。我独自坐在一角的椅子上，瑟瑟发抖，希望发生点意外，这样爸爸和哥哥才不至于离开。我知道母亲头脑中，有着某种令人惊骇的东西。
As soon as they left, she brought out one of Russell's soiled diapers. She smeared the diaper on my face. I tried to sit perfectly still. I knew if I moved, it would only be worse. I didn't look up. I couldn't see Mother standing over me, but I could hear her heavy breathing.
他们仨很快离开，母亲拿出弟弟罗素的脏尿布，把屎尿糊在我脸上，我努力试着极其平静坐着。我知道，如果我躲开，情况只会更糟糕。我不敢抬头，我不能看居高临下的母亲，但是，我能听到母亲沉重的呼吸声。
After what seemed like an hour, Mother knelt down beside me and in a soft voice said, 'Eat it.'
大约过了一小时后，母亲在我身旁蹲下来，并用轻柔的声音说道：“吃下去！”
I looked straight ahead, avoiding her eyes. ‘No way!' I said to myself. Like so many times before, avoiding her was the wrong thing to do. Mother smacked me from side to side. I clung to the chair, fearing if I fell off she would jump on me.'I said eat it!' she sneered.
我眼睛呆呆地望着前方，避免和母亲目光接触。我心里暗想：“没门，太恶心了！”像以前多次一样，躲着她并非良策。母亲大耳光扇我，把我从墙头扇到墙角。我抓紧椅子，害怕如果我倒下去，她会跳在我身上。她继续冷笑说：“我说吃掉它！”
Switching tactics, I began to cry. ‘Slow her down,' I thought to myself. I began to count to myself, trying to concentrate. Time was my only ally.Mother answered my crying with more blows to my face, stopping only when she heard Russell crying.
我转变策略，开始大哭。我心想：“拖死她！”我开始在心里默数，尽力集中注意力在时间本身。一切总会过去，时间是我的唯一朋友。母亲应对我的哭泣，就是给我更多的耳光，唯一能够阻止她的，就是弟弟的哭声。
Even with my face covered with defecation, I was pleased. I thought I might win. I tried to wipe the shit away, flicking it onto the wooden floor. I could hear Mother singing softly to Russell, and I imagined him cradled in her arms, I prayed he wouldn't fall asleep. A few minutes later my luck ran out.
尽管我的小脸被糊满了屎尿，我依然哀求。我想，我一定会赢得时间。我尽力把屎尿从脸上擦去，把它们弹到木地板上。我甚至听到母亲轻柔地给弟弟罗素唱歌，并且，我想象弟弟在母亲的臂弯里，被轻轻摇晃。我祈祷弟弟不要睡着了。几分钟后，幸运之神终于眷顾我。
Still smiling, Mother returned to her conquest. She grabbed me by the back of the neck and led me to the kitchen. There, spread out on the counter top, was another full diaper. The smell turned my stomach. Now, you are going to eat it!' she said.
母亲仍然微笑唱着她的“征服”，她抓着我后脖颈，把我扔进厨房。厨房柜顶是另一张糊满屎的尿布。臭味简直能把我熏吐了。母亲说：“现在，你给我吃掉它！”
Mother had the same look in her eyes that she had the day she wanted me to lie on top of the gas stove back at the house. Without moving my head, I moved my eyes, searching for the daisy-colored clock that I knew was on the wall.
母亲表情看上去很可怕，同那天给我放在家中的燃气灶上一样。我保持脑袋不动，但是眼睛搜寻着墙上的菊黄色挂钟。
A few seconds later, I realized the clock was behind me. Without the clock, I felt helpless. I knew I needed to lock my concentration on some- thing, in order to keep any kind of control of the situation. Before I could find the clock,Mother's hands seized my neck. Again she repeated. ‘Eat it!' I held my breath.
几秒钟后，我意识到挂钟在我身后。没有挂钟，我感觉很无助。我知道，我需要重新锁定我的注意力，不论关注什么，只为保持某种自控感。我在能找到挂钟之前，母亲的大手抓住了我的脖子。她又重复说了一遍：“吃掉它！”我摒住呼吸。
The smell was overpowering. I tried to focus on the top corner of the diaper.Seconds seemed like hours. Mother must have known my plan. She slammed my face into the diaper and rubbed it from side to side.
尿骚味刺鼻难忍。我试着把注意力集中在尿布的顶角。我如坐针毡，度日如年。母亲一定知道了我的鬼把戏。她把尿布扇到我脸上，并用尿布从左脸擦到右脸。
I anticipated her move. As I felt my head being forced down, I closed my eyes tightly and clamped my mouth shut. My nose struck first. A warm sensation oozed from my nostrils. I tried to stop the blood from escaping by breathing in. I snorted bits of defecation back up my nose with the blood.
我预判了她的行为。当我感到脑袋被暴力按下，我紧咬牙关，并死死闭着眼睛。我鼻子首先挨打。一股暖流从我鼻孔渗出来。我努力止住鼻血，不让它随着呼吸一起逃逸。随着鼻血一起，我将尿布上的屎一同吸进鼻孔。
I threw my hands on the counter top and tried to pull myself out of her grip. I twisted from side to side with all my strength, but she was too powerful.
我把双手抵住柜顶，试图把我自己，从母亲的掌控中拔出来。我用尽全力，从一边扭到另一边，但是母亲力气太大了。
Suddenly Mother let go.‘They're back! They're back!' she gasped. Mother snatched a wash cloth from the sink and threw it at me. ‘Clean the shit off your face,'she bellowed as she wiped the brown stains from the counter top.
突然，母亲让我离开。她喘着气说：“他们回来了，他们回来了！”母亲从凹槽抓了一块抹布丢给我，吼着说：“把脸上的屎擦干净！”同时，她把柜顶棕色污渍擦去。
I wiped my face the best I could, but not before blowing bits of defecation from my nose.Moments Iater,Mother stuffed a piece of napkin up my bloody nose and ordered me to sit in the corner. I sat there for the rest of the evening, still smelling traces of the diaper through my nose.
我尽最大努力擦着脸，没有注意到风把鼻孔里的屎，给吹了出来。不久后，母亲给我流血的鼻子，塞了一片餐巾纸，摒命令我坐在角落。剩余的整个晚上，我就坐在那里，透过鼻子，仍然能闻到尿布的那股味道。
The family never returned to the Russian River again.
从此，我们家再没去过俄罗斯河。
In September, I returned to school with last year's clothes and my old, rusted, green lunch pail. I was a walking disgrace. Mother packed the same lunch for me every day: two peanut butter sandwiches and a few limp carrot sticks.
九月，我穿着去年的旧衣服，回到学校，并带着又旧又锈的绿色午餐桶。我是个丢人的走读生。母亲每天给我打包同样的午餐：两个花生奶油三明治和几根蔫蔫的胡萝卜棒。
Since I was no longer a member of the family, I was not allowed to ride to school in the family station wagon. Mother had me run to school. She knew I would not arrive in time to steal any food from my classmates.
自从我被开除出家庭成员，妈妈不准我坐家用汽车去学校。母亲让我跑步去学校。她知道，我都没有时间，去偷同学们的食物。
At school I was a total outcast. No other kid would have anything to do with me. During the lunch recesses, I stuffed the sandwiches down my throat as I listened to my former friends make up songs about me. ‘David the Food Thief’and ‘Pelzer-Smellzer’were two of the playground favorites. I had no one to talk to or play with. I felt all alone.
在学校，我是一个完全被抛弃的学生。没有小孩愿意同我接触。我把三明治塞进喉咙，听着以前的朋友们唱着歌谣取笑我。《大卫，偷食物的贼！》和《佩尔泽～臭熏者》，是大家编来爱唱的两首歌谣。既没人陪我说话，也没人同我玩耍。我感到前所未有的孤独。
At the house, while standing for hours in the garage, I passed the time by imagining new ways to feed myself. Father occasionally tried to sneak scraps of food to me, but with little success. I came to believe if I were to survive, I would have to rely on myself.
在我们家车库，我站了数小时。我一直在幻想喂饱我自己的新法子。父亲会试图就进来，给我送一些食物残渣，但是也很少成功。我开始相信，如果我想活下来，我就不得不靠自己。
I had exhausted all possibilities at school. All the students now hid their lunch pails, or locked them in the coat closet of the classroom. The teachers and principal knew me and carefully watched me. I had little to no chance of stealing any more food at school.
我已在学校，想过了所有可能性，并为此精疲力尽。现在，所有的学生藏起了他们的午餐桶，或者是锁进他们教室里的衣服柜子。老师们和校长也都知道我，并仔细看着我。我在学校，没有一点机会偷到任何食物。
Finally, I devised a plan that might work. Students were not allowed to leave the playground during lunch recess, so nobody would expect me to leave. My idea was to sneak away from the playground and run to the local grocery store, and steal cookies, bread, chips or whatever I could.
最后，我想出一个主意，也许会有用。学生们在午餐期间，不允许离开操场，因此，也没人知道我已离开。我的主意就是——溜出操场，并跑进当地杂货店偷饼干、薯片或者别人任何能吃的。
In my mind, I planned every step of my scheme. When I ran to school the next morning, I counted every step so I could calculate my pace and later apply it to my trip to the store. After a few weeks, I had all the information I needed.
在我头脑中，我已经计划好每一个细节。第二天，当我跑步去上学时，我计算着每一个细节，以便于我能估算每一步，并随后去杂货店实施密谋。随后的几个星期，我已获得了所需的一切信息。
The only thing left was finding the courage to attempt the plan. I knew it would take longer to go from the school to the store because it was up a hill, so I allowed 15 minutes. Coming back downhill would be easier, so I allowed 10 minutes. This meant I had only 10 minutes at the store.
留给我的唯一的事，就是拿出勇敢实施计划。我知道，从学校到杂货店，需要较长一段时间，因为商店在一个小山包上，因此我有15分钟时间。下山回来时很容易，我只预留10分钟。这就意味着，在杂货铺里，我仅有10分钟实施偷盗（译者注，很多时候，绝境能够激发人的潜能，但绝不是说，我们因此要感谢这个给我们造成绝境的人，譬如小说中的小主角大卫，他从没有感恩母亲给他造成的这些伤害，始终是以一个小孩的视角，十分冷静的，去描述这过往令人伤痛的历史，愿他早已得到治愈，获得坚强，批判家暴与虐待）。
Each day when I ran to and from school, I tried to run faster, pounding each step as if I were a marathon runner. As the days passed and my plan became more solid, my hunger for food was replaced by daydream- ing.
每天上学放学，我试图跑得更快，每一步都敲在心头，好像我就是个马拉松选手。时间一天天过去，我的计划变得越来越坚定无比，对食物的渴望，早就被白日梦取代。
I fantasized whenever performing my chores at the house. On my hands and knees while scrubbing the bathroom tiles, I imagined I was the prince in the story ‘The Prince and the Pauper'.As the Prince, I knew I could end the charade of acting like a servant any time I wanted.
在家里，不论我如何努力干家务，我一直在幻想。当我双手和双膝，摩擦着水槽的地板砖时，我想象自己作为王子，是一部童话的王子，童话名叫《王子和穷人》。作为王子，我知道，任何时候，只要我想，我一定能够结束这种人生——像仆人一样的装模作样的生活。
In the basement, I stood perfectly still with my eyes closed, dreaming I was a comic-book hero. But my daydream was always interrupted by hunger pangs, and my thoughts soon returned to my plan of stealing food.
在地下室，我仍闭着眼睛，笔直地站着，幻想着自己是一部童话书的英雄。但是，白日梦总是被饥饿的痛苦打断，并且，我的思想很快就回到偷食物的计划中。
Even when I was sure my plan was foolproof, I was too afraid to put it into action. During the lunch recess at school, I strolled around the playground making excuses to myself for my lack of guts to run to the store.
甚至当我确定计划完美无缺时，我还是害怕到无法付诸行动。在学校午餐期间，我围着操场溜达，为我的胆小找各种理由借口。
I told myself I would get caught or that my timing calculations were not accurate. All through the argument with myself, my stomach growled, calling me a ‘chicken’. Finally, after several days without dinner and only the small left-over portions for breakfast, I decided to do it.
我对自己说，我会被捉住，或者我计算时间还不准确。全部内涵都是自我辩解，我的胃饿得低吼，召唤我需要“鸡肉”。最后，连续几天没有午餐吃，并且早餐也是少得可怜的残羹冷炙，我决心实施计划。
A few moments after the lunch bell rang, I blitzed up the street, away from the school, with my heart pounding and my lungs bursting for air. I made it to the store in half the time I allowed myself. Walking up and down the aisles of the store, I felt as if everybody was staring at me. I felt as though all the customers were talking about the smelly, ragged child.
午餐铃声打响后不久，我闪电般离开学校，溜到街上，每一分钟都是心跳加速。我的肺好像要被空气撑爆裂。我只许自己画一半时间，就到了商店。来回商店的过道上，我感觉好像每个人都在凝视着我。我感觉好像所有的顾客，都在讨论这个既臭气熏天，又衣衫褴褛的小孩。
It was then that I knew my plan was doomed because I had not taken into account how I might look to other people. The more I worried about my appearance, the more my stomach became seized with fear. I froze in the aisle, not knowing what to do. I slowly began to count the seconds away.
然后，我就知道计划漏洞百出，因为我根本没考虑到，我是如何看待其他人的。我越是担忧我的外表，我的胃就越是被恐惧抓得紧紧。在过道，我几乎被吓得冻住了，简直不知道该做什么。我慢慢地开始计算时间的流逝。
I began to think about all the times I had been starving. Suddenly without thinking, I grabbed the first thing I saw on the shelf, ran out of the store and raced back to school. Clutched tightly in my hand was my prize - a box of graham crackers.
我开始考虑我所有挨饿的时间。突然间，我毫不犹豫抓起货架上第一眼看到的东西，冲出商店，并跑回学校。我手中牢牢地抓着战利品——一盒全麦饼干。
As I came near the school I hid my possession under my shirt, on the side that didn't have any holes, as I walked through the schoolyard. Inside, I ditched the food in the garbage can of the boys' restroom. Later that afternoon, after making an excuse to the teacher, I returned to the restroom to devour my prize.
当我来到学校附近，我把饼干藏在衬衫之下。虽然衣服破旧，但藏饼干那边并无破洞，我安全穿过校园操场。我把食物丢在男生休息室的垃圾桶里。之后的下午，我向老师找了个借口，回到休息室吞食我的“战利品”。
I could feel my mouth begin to water, but my heart sank as I looked into an empty trash can.All my careful plans and all the pain of convincing myself that I would eat, were wasted. The custodian had emptied the trash can before I could slip away to the restroom. That day my plan failed, but on other attempts I was lucky.
我能感觉到嘴巴开始流口水，但是我的心神沉入其中，好像我已经看到那个空垃圾罐。所有周密的计划，以及所有自信能吃到食物的痛苦，全白费了。在我溜去休息室前，保洁清空了垃圾桶。我那天的计划失败了，但是其他尝试很成功。
Once, I managed to hide my treasure in my desk in homeroom, only to find on the next day that I had been transferred to the school across the street. Except for losing the stolen food, I welcomed the transfer. Now, I felt I had a new license to steal. Not only was I able to snitch food from my classmates again, but I also sprinted to the grocery store about once a week.
有一次，我把食物藏在班级课桌里。第二天，我只需要穿过街道，找到被调动的教室座位。只要不丢失偷来的食物，我可以调换座位。现在，我感到已拥有新偷盗去处。我下次不仅可以偷我同学的食物，我还可以每周跑一次杂货店偷东西。
Sometimes at the grocery store, if I felt things weren't just right, I didn't steal anything. As always, I finally got caught. The manager called Mother. At the house, I was thrashed relentlessly. Mother knew why I stole food and so did Dad, but she still refused to feed me. The more I craved food, the more I tried to come up with a better plan to steal it.
有时候，我发现到达杂货店时机不对，我会放弃偷盗。一如既往，最终我还是被捉住了。店主喊来母亲。在家里，我被无情地鞭打。母亲知道我为何偷盗，父亲也知道，但是，母亲仍然拒绝给我食物。我越是渴望食物，越是努力想更好的计划偷食物。
After dinner, it was Mother's habit to scrape the leftovers from the dinner plates into a small garbage can. Then she would summon me up from the basement, where I had been standing while the family ate. It was my function to wash the dishes.Standing there with my hands in the scalding water, I could smell the scraps from dinner in the small garbage can.
晚饭后，母亲会习惯性把盘子里的剩饭，给刮到一个小垃圾桶里。然后，母亲把我从地下室唤上来，我早就一直站在那里，听着大家吃晚饭。我的任务就是洗碗。双手放进滚烫的水中，甚至于，我站在那里，都能闻到垃圾桶里剩饭气味。
At first my idea was nauseating, but the more I thought about it, the better it seemed. It was my only hope for food. I finished the dishes as fast as I could and emptied the garbage in the garage.My mouth watered at the sight of the food, and I gingerly picked the good pieces out while scraping bits of paper or cigarette butts away, and gobbled the food as fast as I could.
起初，我的思想还会犯恶心，但是，我越是想垃圾桶的食物，好像味道渐渐淡了起来。这是我获得食物的唯一希望。我迅速完成洗碗，并在车库里清空垃圾。看到食物，我的嘴巴就开始流口水，并且，我小心翼翼地把纸片和烟头刮到一边，捡起外部看来偏好的食物碎渣，尽快把它们吞进肚子。
As usual, my new plan came to an abrupt halt when Mother caught me in the act. For a few weeks I quit the garbage routine, but I finally had to return to it, in order to silence my growling stomach.
如往常一样，我的新计划在实施过程中，因为母亲抓住我，就不得不突然暂停。中间有几个星期，我放弃了翻垃圾桶，但是最后，我又不得不重新捡垃圾吃，就为了压制我那咕咕叫的肚子。
Once, I ate some left-over pork. Hours later I was bent over in extreme pain. I had diarrhea for a week. While I was sick, Mother informed me she had purposefully left the meat in the refrigerator for two weeks, to spoil before she threw it away.
有一次，我吃到了剩猪肉。几小时后，我蹲下身子，肚子感到极度痛苦。我拉肚子拉了一个星期。当我生病时，母亲告诉我，她故意把剩肉放在冰箱里存了两个星期，在她扔掉之前，剩肉就已坏掉。
She knew I couldn't resist stealing it. As time progressed, Mother had me bring the garbage can to her so she could inspect it while she lay on the couch. She never knew that I wrapped food between paper towels and hid them in the bottom of the can. I knew she wouldn't want to get her fingers dirty, digging in the bottom of the trash can, so my scheme worked for a while.
母亲知道，我会忍不住偷肉吃。随着时间推移，母亲让我给她带垃圾桶，以便于她把垃圾桶放在长沙发时好查看。母亲永远不知道，我会用纸巾打包食物，并把它藏在垃圾桶底部。我知道，她不想弄脏了手指，绝不可能翻看桶底，因此，我们的计划持续了好一段时间。
Mother sensed I was getting food some way, so she began sprinkling ammonia in the trash can. After that, I gave up on the garbage at the house and focused my sights on finding some other way to get food at school. After getting caught stealing from other kids' lunches, my next idea was to rip off frozen lunches from the school cafeteria.
母亲觉得，我用其他方式获得了食物，于是，她开始在垃圾桶撒氨水消毒。这之后，我放弃翻找家里的垃圾桶，并把目光瞄准学校里的食物。偷其他学生午餐被抓住后，我下一个目标就是撕开学校食堂的冰冻午餐。
I timed my restroom break so that the teacher excused me from the classroom just after the delivery truck dropped off its supply of frozen lunches. I crept into the cafeteria and snatched a few frozen trays, then I scurried to the restroom. Alone in the restroom, I swallowed the frozen hot dogs and tater tots in huge chunks so fast I almost choked myself in the process. After filling my stomach I returned to the classroom, feeling so proud I fed myself.
我计算自己的休息时间，以便于老师给我证明，从教室出来后，恰好邮包卡车卸下供应的冰冻午餐。我溜进自助食堂，并抢了一些冰冻托盘，然后，我急匆匆跑回休息室。我独自一个人在休息室里，大口吞着冰冻热狗和大块土豆，甚至来不及咀嚼，就狼吞虎咽进入肚子。填饱肚子后，我回到教室，为自己能找到吃的，骄傲不已。
As I ran to the house from school that afternoon, all I could think about was stealing food from the cafeteria the next day. Minutes later, Mother changed my mind. She dragged me into the bathroom and slugged me in the stomach so hard that I bent over. Pulling me around to face the toilet, she ordered me to shove my finger down my throat.
那天下午，当我从学校回到家，我全身心想的都是第二天，如何继续从自主餐厅偷食物。几分钟后，母亲改变了我的想法。母亲把我拖进浴室，对着肚子一顿暴揍。母亲如此暴力，以至于我弯腰快吐了。母亲拉着我转圈，直面马桶，并命令我拿手指抠喉咙。
I resisted. I tried my old trick of counting to myself, as I stared into the porcelain toilet bowl, 'One . . . two . . .' I never made it to three. Mother rammed her finger into my mouth, as if she wanted to pull my stomach up through my throat. I sqjuirmed in every direction in an effort to fight her. She finally let me go, but only when I agreed that I would vomit for her.
我坚持“拖延大法”。我试着故技重施——在内心默数时间——当我凝视厕所抽水马桶的时候，我数“一……二…………”我都来不及数到三。母亲等不及，直接把她的手指伸进我喉咙，就好像她想把我的胃，从喉咙拉出来一样。我在每个方向上，都和母亲抗争到底。最后，她让我离开，但也是在我同意为她把食物吐出来后。
I knew what was going to happen next. I closed my eyes as chunks of red meat spilled into the toilet. Mother just stood behind me, with her hands on her hips and said, I thought so. Your Father's going to hear about this!’ I tensed myself for the volley of blows that I knew was coming, but nothing happened.
我懂得，接下来将会发生什么事情。我闭着眼睛，眼睁睁看着大块的红肉，被我吐进了厕所马桶。母亲只是站在我背后，把手放在屁股后边说道：“如我所猜得一样！你爸马上就会听到这个故事。”我自己紧张起来，准备迎接母亲的狂风暴雨，但是我竟然没挨揍。
After a few seconds, I spun around to discover that Mother had left the bathroom. I knew the episode wasn't over. Moments later she returned with a small bowl, ordered me to scoop the partially-digested food out of the toilet and put it in the bowl. Since Father was away shopping at the time, Mother was gathering evidence for his return.
几秒钟后，我看看四周，发现母亲竟然离开了浴室。我知道事情肯定没完。不久，她又拿了一个小碗回来了。母亲命令我，把未消化的食物，从马桶里铲出来放入碗中。因为父亲出门购物了，母亲这是为了搜集证据，以质问回来后的父亲。
Later that night, after I finished all of my evening chores, Mother had me stand by the kitchen table while she and Father talked in the bedroom. In front of me was the bowl of hot dogs that I had vomited. I couldn't look at it, so I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself far away from the house.
那天晚上后来的时间，哪怕我完成了所有家务劳动，母亲仍然罚我站在厨房桌子旁，等待她在卧室向父亲质问完了。放在我面前的碗里，是我刚刚吐出来的热狗食物。我不能看着碗，闭着眼睛，努力幻想，我要离开这个家远远的。
A short time later, Mother and Father stormed into the kitchen.‘Look at this, Steve,’Mother barked, thrusting her finger in the direction of the bowl. ‘So you think The Boy is through stealing food, do you?'
时间不长，父母就把战火烧到厨房来了。“斯蒂夫，你给老娘看这是什么？”母亲咆哮道，用手指猛地指着晚的方向。“因此，你觉得这孩子能偷这些食物吗？”
By the look on Father's face, I could tell he was getting more and more tired of the constant ‘What has The Boy done now?' routine. Staring at me, he shook his head in disapproval and stammered, ‘Well, Roerva, if you would just let The Boy have something to eat.’
从父亲脸上的表情，我能读懂他正变得越来越疲倦‘这孩子现在做的什么啊？’，这是他持续不变的日常。他盯着我，气得直摇头，一脸不赞同，并且说话都结结巴巴：“好吧……洛瓦尓……如果你只让这孩子吃点东西……他……何至于……”
A heated battle of words broke out in front of me, and as always, Mother won. ‘EAT? You want The Boy to eat, Stephen? Well, The Boy is going to EAT! He can eat this!' Mother yelled at the top of her lungs, shoving the bowl towards me and stomping off to the bedroom.
一场言语的“恶战”，在我眼前爆发，如往常一样，最终母亲胜利。“吃东西？你竟然想让这孩子吃东西？斯蒂夫？好吧，这孩子马上可以吃！他可以吃这些！”母亲叫破喉咙似的吼道，把碗猛推到我跟前，然后离开回到卧室去。
The kitchen became so quiet I could hear Father's strained breathing. He gently placed his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Wait there, Tiger. I'll see what I can do.' He returned a few minutes later, after trying to talk Mother out of her demand.
厨房变得特别安静，我甚至能听到父亲紧张的呼吸声。父亲温柔地把手放在我肩膀说：“等在这里，小虎头。我看看我能做什么。”几分钟后，他又折回卧室去，随后，他努力讲了一些违背母亲意志的话。
By the saddened look on his face, I knew immediately who'd won. I sat on a chair and picked the clumps of hot dogs out of the bowl with my hand. Globs of thick saliva slipped through my fingers, as I dropped it in my mouth. As I tried to swallow, I began to whimper. I turned to Father, who stood looking through me with a drink in his hand. He nodded for me to continue.
父亲脸上露出了悲伤表情，我立刻懂得谁赢得了“战火”。我坐在一把椅子上，用手捡起掉在碗外的几串热狗。当我把它放进嘴的时候，口水混着油水，在我🤌划过。我转头看向父亲，只见他手拿着一杯饮料，站在那里直直看着我。他点头，示意我继续吃呕吐的肉。
I couldn't believe he just stood there as I ate the revolting contents of the bowl. At that moment, I knew we were slipping further and further apart. I tried to swallow without tasting, until I felt a hand clamp on the back of my neck. ‘Chew it!’ Mother snarled, ‘Eat it! Eat it all!' she said, pointing to the saliva. I sat deeper in my chair. A river of tears rolled down my cheeks.
我简直不敢相信，他就站在那里，看着我吃这令人恶心的东西。在那一刻，我懂了，我们的距离越滑越远。我努力摒住味觉吞下去，可是，我马上感觉到有一只手钳住我的后脖颈。“一点点嚼下去！”母亲吼道。“吃完它，全部吃完！”母亲指着那堆呕吐物说道。我缩在椅子上，眼泪逆流成河，打湿了双颊。
After I had chewed the mess in the bowl, I tilted my head back and forced what remained, down my throat. I closed my eyes and screamed to myself to keep it from coming back up into my mouth. I didn't open my eyes until I was sure my stomach wasn't going to reject my cafeteria meal.
我嚼着吃完那碗呕吐物后，向后仰着脑袋，迫使吃的东西，别再吃吐出喉咙。我闭着眼睛，内心尖叫着，生怕让声音从嘴巴冒了出来。我保持闭着眼睛的姿势，知道我确定我的胃部，不再拒绝这些呕吐物。
When I did open them, I stared at Father who turned away to avoid my pain. At that moment I hated Mother to no end, but I hated Father even more. The man who had helped me in the past, just stood like a statue while his son ate something even a dog wouldn't touch.
当我睁开眼时，我瞪大眼睛看父亲，可他目光躲闪，不想看到我的痛苦。那一刻，讨厌母亲已经结束，但我更恨父亲了。这个人曾经帮助过我，但现在他就像一尊雕像，看着他儿子，吃那些狗都不闻的食物。
After I finished the bowl of regurgitated hot dogs, Mother returned in her robe and threw a wad of newspapers at me. She informed me the papers were my blankets, and the floor under the table was now my bed.
我吃完那碗呕吐的热狗后，母亲穿着礼服过来，丢给我一团报纸。她告诉我，这报纸就是我的盖毯，并且，桌子底下那块地板，现在才是我的床。
Again I shot a glance at Father, but he acted as though I was not even in the room. Forcing myself not to cry in front of them, I crawled, completely dressed, under the table, and covered myself with the newspapers, like a rat in a cage【1】.
我再次瞪了父亲一眼，但是他装作好像看不见我一样。这些迫使我发誓，绝不在他们面前哭出来。我在桌底下爬着，艰难穿衣，并用报纸盖住身体，就像一只笼中鸟。
For months I slept under the breakfast table next to a box of kitty litter, but I soon learned to use the newspapers to my advantage. With the papers wrapped around me, my body heat kept me warm.
一连几个月，我睡在早餐桌底下，紧挨着一个大家堆放杂物的盒子，但是，我很快发现用报纸当被子的好处。我发现，用报纸裹紧自己，竟然可以保暖。
Finally, Mother told me that I was no longer privileged enough to sleep upstairs, so I was banished downstairs to the garage. My bed was now an old army cot. To stay warm, I tried to keep my head close to the gas heater. But after a few cold nights, I found it best to keep my hands clamped under my arms and feet curled towards my buttocks.
最后，母亲下通牒说我不再有资格睡楼上，因此，我就被驱逐到楼下车库。现在我的床换成了一张军用铁皮小木板。为了保暖，我努力把脑袋靠着暖气片。但是，熬过几个寒夜后，我发现，最好还是把手抱在双臂，并且，把脚蜷缩在屁股上。
Sometimes at night I would wake up and try to imagine I was a real person, sleeping under a warm electric blanket, knowing I was safe and that somebody loved me. My imagination worked for awhile, but the cold nights always brought me back to my reality.
有时候，我会在晚上醒过来，并开启，想象我还是一个真正的人，睡在一张温暖的电热毯上，知道我很安全，并且有人爱我。我的幻想也只能起片刻作用，但是，寒夜总是把我拉回现实。
I knew no one could help me. Not my teachers, my so-called brothers or even Father. I was on my own, and every night I prayed to God that I could be strong both in body and soul. In the darkness of the garage, I laid on the wooden cot and shivered until I fell into a restless sleep.
我知道，没有人能帮我。我的老师们不能，我所谓的兄弟不能，甚至老爸也不能。我全然属于自己，并且，每个晚上，我都像上帝祈祷，我会在身体和灵魂都坚强起来。在黑暗的车库里，我躺在木板床上瑟瑟发抖，直到我掉进深渊的梦中。
Once, during my midnight fantasies, I came up with the idea of begging for food on my way to school. Even though the after-school vomit inspection was carried out every day when I returned to the house from school, I thought that any food I ate in the morning would be digested by the afternoon.
有一次，在我午夜幻梦中， 我在去学校的路上，想到一个祈求食物的主意。甚至于，我从学校回到家，每天都被母亲实施“放学后呕吐检查”，我想，早晨我吃的任何事物，到了下午应该都消化掉了。
As I began my run to school, I made sure I ran extra fast so I would have more time for my hunt for food. I then altered my course - stopping and knocking on doors. I would ask the lady who answered if she happened to find a lunch box near her house.
当我开始跑步去学校，我确定我跑得够快，我必有足够时间搞食物。然后，我改变我的策略——停下来敲门。我会询问女士，根据她的回答来决定，是否乞讨她房子附近的午餐盒。
For the most part, my plan worked. I could tell by looking at these ladies that they felt sorry for me. Thinking ahead, I used a fake name so nobody would know who I really was. For weeks my plan worked, until one day when I came to the house of a lady who knew Mother. My time- tested story, ‘I lost my lunch. Could you make me one?' fell apart. Even before I left her house, I knew she would call Mother.
作为最重要的部分，保证我的乞讨计划奏效。我通过看这些女士的抱歉表情，得知信息。未雨绸缪，我常常捏造一个假名字，这样也就没人知道我真正是谁。几个星期以来，我的计划都很有效。直到有一天，我去乞讨的房子户主女士认识我妈。我的时间测试故事，一如往常：“我搞丢了午餐，你能送我一份吗？”但这事情肯定分崩离析了。哪怕不要饭离开，她也肯定会告诉妈妈。
That day at school I prayed for the world to end. As I fidgeted in the classroom, I knew Mother was lying on the couch, watching television and getting more drunk by the hour, while thinking of something hideous to do to me when I arrived at her house after school.
那天，我在学校时，就觉得心慌意乱，巴不得世界末日赶快到来。当我在教室坐立不安时，我知道，母亲一定正坐在长沙发上看电视，并喝了几小时酒水，思考着某种酷刑招式，以便于放学后回家，实施在我身上。
Running to the house from school that afternoon, my feet felt as though they were encased in blocks of cement. With every step I prayed that Mother's friend had not called her, or had somehow mistaken me for another kid. Above me the skies were blue, and I could feel the sun's rays warm my back.
那天下午放学后，回家路上，我的双腿像灌了铅一样，沉重无比。每走一步，我都祈祷她朋友别告诉她，或者，误会我是另外一个小孩。对我来说，天空是忧郁的蓝色，并且，我能感觉到太阳光，正炙烤着我的脊背。
As I approached Mother's house, I looked up towards the sun, wondering if I would ever see it again. I carefully cracked the front door open before slipping inside, and tiptoed down the stairs to the garage. I expected Mother to fly down the stairs and beat me on the cement floor any second. She didn't come.
当我靠近母亲房子的时候，我抬头望了一眼阳光，想着我还能不能看到明天的太阳。我小心翼翼把前门打开一条缝隙溜进去，蹑手蹑脚下到地下室。我期望母亲飞身下楼，并在二楼水泥板任何地方揍我。，但她没来。
After changing into my work clothes, I crept upstairs to the kitchen and began washing Mother's lunch dishes. Not knowing where she might be, my ears became radar antennae, seeking out her exact location. As I washed the dishes, my back became tense with fear. My hands shook, and I couldn't concentrate on my chores.
换上工作服后，我悄悄上楼，来到厨房，开始洗母亲午餐的碗碟。不知道母亲在哪，我竖起耳朵听，搜寻着她的准确位置。正当我洗碗时，我后背一阵发凉。双手也开始颤抖，并且，我都没办法集中注意力洗碗。
Finally, I heard Mother come out of her bedroom and walk down the hall towards the kitchen. For a fleeting moment I looked out of the window. I could hear the laughter and screams of the children playing. For a moment I closed my eyes and imagined I was one of them. I felt warm inside. I smiled.
最后，我听到母亲从卧室出来，并走出大厅，向着厨房逼来。短暂片刻时，我望向窗外。我能听到其他小朋友玩耍时的笑声和尖叫声。这一刻，我闭上眼睛，并且想象我也是他们中的一员。处在其中，我感觉到温暖，我笑了。
My heart skipped a beat when I felt Mother breathing down my neck. Startled, I dropped a dish, but before it could hit the floor I snatched it out of the air. You're a quick little shit, aren't you?' she sneered. You can run fast and find time to beg for food. Well... we'll just see how fast you really are.’
当母亲在我后背，发出呼吸声时，我的心跳提到了嗓子眼。惊恐之间，我掉落一只碗碟，但是，我抢在摔碎之前，在空中接住它。“你真塌酿的神速手啊，不是吗？”母亲讥笑道“你跑得够快，还有时间去讨饭。好吧……马上我们看看你究竟能跑多快。”
Expecting Mother to bash me, I tensed my body, waiting for her to strike. When it didn't happen, I thought she would leave and return to her TV show, but that didn't happen either. Mother remained inches behind me, watching my every move. I could see her reflection in the kitchen window. Mother saw it too, and smiled back. I nearly peed my pants.
我期望母亲狠狠揍我，我紧绷身体，等待她拳打脚踢。但是并没有如我想到那样，我想，她可能离开，并回去看电视节目了，但是也没有。母亲保持着离我背后约一寸远距离，看着我每一个举动。我能看到母亲在厨房窗户上的倒影。母亲也能从同一个窗户看到我，并且回我一个诡异的笑容。我几乎吓尿了。
When I finished the dishes, I began cleaning the bathroom. Mother sat on the toilet as I scoured the bathtub. While I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the tile floor, she calmly and quietly stood behind me. I expected her to come around and kick me in the face, but she didn't. As I continued my chores, my anxiety grew.
当我完成洗碗时，我开始清洁浴室。当我擦澡盆时，母亲坐在马桶上。然后，我四肢匍匐在地搬砖上，母亲沉默地站在我背后，面无表情。我想她会转过来，踢我的脸，但是他并没有这样做。当我继续干活时，我的焦虑越发强烈了。
I knew Mother was going to beat me, but I didn't know how, when or where. It seemed to take forever for me to finish the bathroom.By the time I did, my legs and arms were shaking with anticipation. I could not concentrate on anything but her. Whenever I found the courage to look up at Mother, she smiled and said, ‘Faster young man. You'll have to move much faster than that.'
我知道，母亲马上要揍我，但我又不知道怎么揍、什么时候揍和在哪里揍。对我来说，这就好像清洗浴室这件事，会永远没完没了。这时候，我先发制人，我的双腿和双手，满怀期待地颤抖起来。除了母亲，我的注意力不能集中任何一件事。每当我找到勇气，去抬头看她时，她总用嘲笑似的口吻说：“少年好汉，你还可以很快一点，你必须移动得比刚刚更快。”
By dinner time, I was exhausted with fear. I almost fell asleep as I waited for Mother to summon me to clear the table and wash the evening dishes. Standing alone downstairs in the garage, my insides became unglued. I so badly wanted to run upstairs and go to the bathroom, but I knew without Mother's permis- sion to move, I was a prisoner.
晚饭时间，我被恐惧折磨得精疲力尽。当我等着妈妈喊我擦桌子和洗碗时，我几乎倒地睡着了。我独自站在地下车库，内心变得烦躁异常。我非常糟糕地想跑上楼去到浴室，但我知道，没有母亲允许我移动，我就是一个囚犯。
‘Maybe that is what she has planned for me,' I told myself. ‘Maybe she wants me to drink my own pee.' At first the thought was too crude to imagine, but I knew I had to be prepared to deal with anything Mother might throw at me. The more I tried to focus on my options of what she might do to me, the more my inner strength drained away.
“可能那就是她惩罚我的计划。”我告诉自己说，“也许，她想我喝自己的尿！”也开始，这些想法太粗糙，以至于很难想象。但我知道，我不得不做好准备，迎接母亲丢过来的任何“暴风骤雨”。我越是努力关注她会选择什么方式对我，我内心的能量，就越被榨得一干二净。
Then an idea flashed in my brain; I knew why Mother had followed every step I took. She wanted to maintain a constant pressure on me, by leaving me unsure of when or where she would strike. Before I could think of a way to defeat her. Mother bellowed me upstairs.
然后，一个主意闪过脑海，我懂了，为何老妈要模仿我的每一步了。她想对我维持这样一个不变的压力，只需要通过留下等待被揍的我，既不确定何时，又不确定在哪里。以前，我总能想到一个方式击败她。母亲在楼上怒骂我。
In the kitchen she told me that only the speed of light would save me, so I had better wash the dishes in record time. ‘Of course,’ she sneered, ‘there's no need to tell you that you're going without dinner tonight, but not to worry, I have a cure for your hunger.'
她在厨房告诉我，只有光速能救我，所以，我最好在规定时间完成洗碗。“当然，”她冷笑道，“没必要告诉你，你今晚没有晚餐吃，但别担心，我有一个好法子解决你的饥饿问题。”
After finishing the evening chores, Mother ordered me to wait downstairs. I stood with my back against the hard wall, wondering what plans she had for me. I had no idea. I broke out in a cold sweat that seemed to seep through to my bones. I became so tired I fell asleep while standing.
完成那晚的家务后，母亲命令我在楼下等着。我背靠着硬墙站着，心想着她会制定什么样的计划呢。我不知道。我崩溃到冷汗直冒，好像是从我骨头深处渗出来一样。我变得如此疲倦，站在那里，我竟睡着了。
When I felt my head roll forward, I snapped it upright, waking myself. No matter how hard I tried to stay awake, I couldn't control my head that bobbed up and down like a piece of cork in water. While in my trance-like state, I could feel the strain lift my soul away from my body, as if I, too, were floating.
当我感到脑袋向前滚去的时候，我一个激灵站得笔直，唤醒我自己。不论我多么努力去保持清醒，我还是控制不住脑袋上下点头，像是鸡啄米一样。当我出神——像是焦虑不安，我能感觉到紧张压力，像是要把我灵魂抽出身体一样。我也感觉像一块木头，漂浮在水上，七上八下。
I felt as light as a feather until my head rolled forward again, jolting me awake. I knew better than to fall into a deep slumber. To get caught could be deadly, so I escaped by staring through the molded garage window, listening to the sounds of the cars driving by and watching the red flashes of planes flying overhead. From the bottom of my heart I wished that I could fly away.
我觉得，自己如同一根羽毛那么轻盈，直到我脑袋再次向前滚去，使我浑身一震，再次醒过来。我知道，这样总比陷入深度睡眠要好。倘若被抓到，势必要完蛋；因此，我就盯着那个类似的车库窗户，听汽车开启的声音，并且，看着头顶飞过的飞机红色闪光灯。在我内心深处，我希望自己也能飞走。
Hours later, after Ron and Stan went to bed, Mother ordered me to return upstairs. I dreaded every step. I knew the time had come. She had drained me emotionally and physically. I didn't know what she had planned. I simply wished Mother would beat me and get it over with.
几小时后，哥哥罗恩和斯坦也去睡觉了，母亲命令我回到楼上。我感觉每走一步，都增加一分恐惧。我知道，挨揍时间到了。她已经在情绪和身体上折磨我够呛了。我不知道她还要如何折磨我。我天真希望母亲能打我，爱你结束这一切。
As I opened the door, a calmness filled my soul. The house was dark except for a single light in the kitchen. I could see Mother sitting by the breakfast table. I stood completely still. She smiled, and I could tell by her slumped shoulders that the booze had her in a deep-six.
当我打开门时，一股寂静填满我的灵魂。整个房子一切黑暗，除了厨房这一盏孤独的光。我能看到母亲，就坐在早餐桌旁。我安静笔直地站着。她又诡异般笑了，并且，我可以根据她骤降的肩膀判断，她把酒砸在地上。
In a strange way, I knew she wasn't going to beat me. My thoughts became cloudy, but my trance broke when Mother got up and strolled over to the kitchen sink. She knelt down, opened the sink cabinet and removed a bottle of ammonia. I didn't under- stand. She got a tablespoon and poured some ammo- nia into it. My brain was too rattled to think. As much as I wanted to, I could not get my numbed brain into gear.
有一种奇怪的感觉，我懂了，她可能不会马上揍我。我的想法变得沮丧，但是，当母亲站起来，并溜达到厨房凹槽时，我的出神状态被打断。她蹲下身子，打开凹槽壁橱，并取出一瓶氨水。我正疑惑，她拿出一个大汤匙，并在上面倒满一勺子。我脑袋咔咔咔，简直无法思考。我想到更多，不能让麻木的大脑适应。
With the spoon in her hand, Mother began to creep towards me. As some of the ammonia sloshed from the spoon, spilling onto the floor, I backed away from Mother until my head struck the counter top by the stove. I almost laughed inside. ‘That's all? That's it? All she's going to do is have me swallow some of this?' I said to myself.
她手举着一汤匙氨水，母亲开始缓缓向我走来。随着汤匙里的氨水哐铛作响，有些溅落到地板上，我往回跑，尽量远离母亲，直到脑袋撞击到灶台的柜顶。我内心几乎大笑。“这就是所有招数吗？就这些？她所有的酝酿，竟然是让我吞一点氨水吗？”我喃喃自语。
I wasn't afraid. I was too tired. All I could think was,‘Come on, let's go. Let's get it over with.’ As Mother bent down, she again told me that only speed would save me. I tried to understand her puzzle, but my mind was too cloudy.
我一点不害怕，我太累了。我所有能想到的是“来吧，让我们接招吧，让一切结束吧！”当母亲蹲下时，她又再一次告诉我说“只有速度才能救你！”我试着理解她这种鬼把戏，但是，但是我的头脑一片模糊。
Without hesitation I opened my mouth, and Mother rammed the cold spoon deep into my throat. Again I told myself this was all too easy, but a moment later I couldn't breathe. My throat seized. I stood wobbling in front of Mother, feeling as if my eyes were going to pop out of my skull.
我毫无犹豫地张开嘴，并且，母亲把冰冷的汤匙深深放进我喉咙。我再次告诉自己说，所有这些简直是小菜一碟，但是不久，我不能呼吸了。我的喉咙像是被人掐住一样。我现在母亲面前，浑身颤抖，感觉好像我的双目，快要瞪出眼眶。
I fell on the floor, on my hands and knees. ‘Bubble!’ my brain screamed. I pounded the kitchen floor with all my strength, trying to swallow, and trying to concentrate on the bubble of air stuck in my esophagus. Instantly I became terrified. Tears of panic streamed down my cheeks. After a few seconds, I could feel the force of my pounding fists weaken.
我倒在地上，四肢乱颤。我的大脑尖叫着：“泡沫！”我用尽全力捶打厨房地板，试着吞下去，并且，我努力集中注意力于咽喉部卡住的泡泡上。我立刻变得很可怕。恐惧的眼泪哗哗流满了脸颊。几秒钟后，我能感觉到出击的拳头，力量越来越弱。
My fingernails scraped the floor. My eyes became fixed on the floor. The colors seemed to run together. I began to feel myself drift away.I knew I was going to die.
我手指甲刮着地板，双眼盯着地板。色彩好像也一同丰富起来。我开始觉得我自己随时漂流而去。我知道，我快死了。
I came to my senses, and felt Mother slapping me on the back. The force of her blows made me burp, and I was able to breathe again. As I forced huge gulps of air back into my lungs, Mother returned to her glass of booze.
我从新恢复知觉，只感觉到母亲正拍打我的后背。她捶打过来的压力，使我打嗝，并且，我又可以呼吸了。当我艰难地把大口空气送入肺部时，母亲回去端起她那杯酒水。
She took a long drink, gazed down at me and blew a mist of air in my direction. 'Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?' Mother said, finishing her glass before dismissing me downstairs to my cot.
她喝了一大口，凝视着我，并向我的方向吹了一口酒水烟雾。“现在，没有那么难受了，是不是？”母亲说道。她喝完杯中酒水，把我留在地下室木板床上，就转身而去。
The next evening was a repeat performance, but this time in front of Father. She boasted to him, ‘This will teach The Boy to quit stealing food!' I knew she was only doing it for her sick, perverted pleasure.
第二天晚上，我们重复表演。不过，这次面对父亲。母亲对父亲自夸道：“这能教会这孩子放弃偷食物！”我知道，她做这些事，只是为了满足她病态又扭曲的爱好。
Father stood lifeless as Mother fed me another dose of ammonia. But this time, I fought back. She had to pry my mouth open, and by thrashing my head from side to side, I was able to make her spill most of the cleaner onto the floor. But not enough. Again I clenched my fingers together, beating the floor.
当母亲喂我另外一勺氨水时，父亲站在那里，如一具行尸走肉。但是这次，我挣扎着回击。母亲不得不掰开我的嘴，并且，她左右开弓，抽打我的脑袋。这样，我就让大量氨水溢出，泼到干净的地板上。但这还不够。我再一次捏紧拳头，捶打地板。
I looked up at Father, trying to call out to him. My thoughts were clear, but no sound escaped from my mouth. He simply stood above me, showing no emotion, as I pounded my hands by my feet.
我抬头望着父亲，试图向他喊出声。我的思路很清晰，但是，嘴巴发不出一点声音。当我用双脚击打双手时，父亲随意站在我跟前，面无表情。
As if she were kneeling to pet one of her dogs, Mother again slapped me on the back a few times before I blacked out, The next morning while cleaning the bathroom, I looked in the mirror to inspect my burning tongue.
在我熄火之前，母亲再次从后面拍打我，好像她跪着去宠爱一只狗；第二天早晨，我清洗浴室时，对着镜子检查我灼烧的舌头。
Layers of flesh were scraped away, while remaining parts were red and raw. I stood, staring into the sink, feeling how lucky I was to be alive.
舌头肉层刮掉一层皮，同时，保留的部分舌头又红又肿。我站着，凝视着洗涤池子，感觉我仍然活着是多么幸运。
Although Mother never made me swallow ammonia again, she did make me drink spoonfuls of Clor-ox a few times. But Mother's favorite game seemed to be dish-washing soap. From the bottle she would squeeze the cheap, pink liquid down my throat and command that I stand in the garage.
尽管母亲没有第三次让我吞氨水，她确实使我喝了几次少量氯氧。然而，母亲喜欢的游戏，似乎是洗涤液清洁剂。她会从瓶子里挤出廉价的粉红液体，倒进我的喉咙里，并且命令我站在车库。
My mouth became so dry, I sneaked away to the garage faucet and filled my stomach full of water. Soon I discovered my dreadful mistake, and diarrhea took hold. I cried out to Mother upstairs, begging her to let me use the toilet upstairs.
我的嘴巴变得干巴巴，我遛达到车库水龙头，并且用水装满肚子。很快，我发现我的致命错误，并且腹泻不断。我向楼上的母亲拼命哭，祈求她让我使用楼上的厕所。母亲拒绝。我站在楼下，当一股股液体物质拉稀般窜出来时，我不敢丝毫移动，并且，沿着裤腿，流到地板上。
She refused. I stood downstairs, afraid to move, as clumps of the watery matter fell through my under- wear and down my pant legs, onto the floor.
我感到羞耻不堪，我哭得像个吃奶的宝宝，没有任何自尊。我需要再次去浴室，但我太害怕了，以至于都不敢挪动脚步。最后，内心纠结的我转而求其次，我把所有精神集中到最后一丝高贵。我蹒跚挪步到地下室水槽边，抓起一只五加仑水桶，并蹲下减轻我的拉稀痛苦。
I felt so degraded; I cried like a baby. I had no self- respect of any kind. I needed to go to the bathroom again, but I was too afraid to move. Finally, as my insides twisted and turned, I gathered the last of my dignity. I waddled to the garage sink, grabbed a five- gallon bucket and squatted to relieve myself.
我闭着双眼，试图找到一种方式给自己清洗身体和裤子，突然，这个时候，车库门从我后面打开了。我转过头来，发现是父亲。他正冷静看着一切。此时，他儿子“露PP”对着父亲，并且，棕黄色窜稀落进水桶中。我感觉自己连狗都不如。
I closed my eyes trying to think of a way to clean myself and my clothes when suddenly, the garage door opened behind me. I turned my head to see Father, looking on dispassionately, as his son 'mooned' him and as the brown seepage spilled into the bucket. I felt lower than a dog【2】.
母亲并不总是获胜。有一次，一整个星期时间，母亲不许我去上学。她把肥皂挤进我嘴里，并让我清洗厨房。她并不知道，然而我拒绝吞肥皂。几分钟后，我嘴巴充满肥皂和唾液混合物。我绝不许自己吞食。
Mother didn't always win. Once, during a week. when I was not allowed to attend school, she squeezed the soap into my mouth and told me to clean the kitchen. She didn't know, but I refused to swallow the soap. As the minutes passed, my mouth became filled with a combination of soap and saliva. I would not allow myself to swallow.
当我完成厨房工作时，我跑下来去清空垃圾。当我关掉身后的门时，吐出满嘴的粉红肥皂，我笑得合不拢嘴。
When I finished the kitchen chores, I raced downstairs to empty the trash. I smiled from ear to ear, as I closed the door behind me and spit out the mouthful of pink soap. At the trash cans by the garage door, I reached into one of the cans and plucked out a used paper towel, and wiped out the inside of my mouth ensuring that I removed every drop of soap.
在车库门旁垃圾桶旁，我伸进其中一只桶中，拉出一张旧纸巾，并擦干净嘴里的东西，以确保我把所有肥皂都清除干净。
After I finished, I felt as though I had won the Olympic Marathon. I was so proud for beating Mother at her own game.
我完成后，我觉得，我好像完成了奥林匹克马拉松竞赛一样。在母亲的游戏当中，我为自己能打败她而骄傲自豪。尽管我在找食吃过程中，大多数情况被母亲抓住，但她也不是一直能抓到我。
Even though Mother caught me in most of my attempts to feed myself, she couldn't catch me all the time. After months of being confined. for hours at a time in the garage, my courage took over and I stole bits of frozen food from the garage freezer, I was fully aware that I could pay for my crime at any time, so I ate every morsel as if it were my last meal【3】.
我被关了几个月禁闭后。有一次，我数小时待在地下室里，突然勇气顿生，并且从地下室冰箱里，偷了几小块冰冻食物。任何时候，我完全意识到“犯罪”所要付出的代价，因此我会一小口一小口地慢慢品尝，好像那就是我最后一餐饭。在地下室的黑暗中，我闭着双眼，幻想自己是一位穿着最漂亮礼服的国王，吃着人们供给的最好吃的食物。
In the darkness of the garage I closed my eyes, dreaming I was a king dressed in the finest robes, eating the best food mankind had to offer. As I held a piece of frozen pumpkin pie crust or a bit of a taco shell, I was the king, and like a king on his throne, I gazed down on my food and smiled.
当我吃着一块冰冻南瓜饼，或吃着一点墨西哥煎玉米蛋卷时，我就是那个国王，并且像个坐在龙椅上的国王，我微笑着凝视着手中的食物。
注释：
【1】Forcing myself not to cry in front of them, I crawled, completely dressed, under the table, and covered myself with the newspapers, like a rat in a cage.
本段暂时译为：“我再次瞪了父亲一眼，但是他装作好像看不见我一样。这些迫使我发誓，绝不在他们面前哭出来。我在桌底下爬着，艰难穿衣，并用报纸盖住身体，就像一只笼中鸟”。这里英文的原文最后本意是“像一只笼中兔子”，很显然，这几年译成中文时，我就用了中文的习惯用语了。中国人更喜欢养鸟，而不是养兔子，所以，我们的口语中，多是用“笼中鸟”来形容一个人被束缚住了手脚，甚至内心。但是，《母亲虐待日记》小说中，作者更多的是形容幼小自己很可怜，没有自由，和中文语境类似。
【2】I turned my head to see Father, looking on dispassionately, as his son 'mooned' him and as the brown seepage spilled into the bucket. I felt lower than a dog.
这一段很形象，并且有个单词的用法不常见，我也是去查了OALD第六版才搞懂意思的。暂译为：
我转过头来，发现是父亲。他正冷静看着一切。此时，他儿子“露PP”对着父亲，并且，棕黄色窜稀落进水桶中。我感觉自己连狗都不如。
Moon这个词，我们大家都知道是“月亮、月球、月相、卫星”诸多意思，这里面显然作动词，并不常见。查牛津高阶英汉双解词典第六版（OALD）第1123页，得到如下解释：
（informal）to show your bottom to people in a public place as a joke or an insult（以屁股示人，在公共场所进行的恶作剧或侮辱），但是，显然作者佩尔泽并无恶作剧或侮辱父亲的意思，此处仅仅取它的本意，无奈下的屁股示人。
moon在这里还给了两个词组，其一是moon over sb (informal)to spend time thinking about sb that you love, especially when other people think this is silly or annoying痴痴地思念（所爱的人），中文语境下的月亮，更多的代表一种团圆，这里面就需要格外注意。
其二是moon about /around(BrE, informal)to spend time doing nothing or walking around with no particular purpose, especially because you are unhappy (尤指无精打采地）闲逛，消磨时光。
【3】for hours at a time in the garage, my courage took over and I stole bits of frozen food from the garage freezer, I was fully aware that I could pay for my crime at any time, so I ate every morsel as if it were my last meal.
这一段话，我特别喜欢，故特意解释之，暂时将其译为：
有一次，我数小时待在地下室里，突然勇气顿生，并且从地下室冰箱里，偷了几小块冰冻食物。任何时候，我完全意识到“犯罪”所要付出的代价，因此我会一小口一小口地慢慢品尝，好像那就是我最后一餐饭。
为了符合中文表达方式，我会经常性把英文中的长句子拆开来。说实在的，中文更加喜欢用短句子，凡是把一句话搞得很长的翻译，我觉得他简直不要太“英语思维”了。要知道，中文绝不会堆叠形容词的啊，要形容也去分开去形容，哪有一句话搞好几个形容词的呢？
此外，英文中的“crime”当然是（犯罪），但是，中文语境里，一个小孩子饿急了，不得已偷食物，不太适合用犯罪这么严重的词汇，所以，我给它加了引号，以示这是作者的夸张用法。
本章是自传式长篇小说《母亲虐待日记》最长的一章节，所花的时间和字数，当然也就是最多的。为了食物，小大卫可谓手段方法尽出，和父亲母亲斗智斗勇，尽管常常失败，但也总有成功的时候。说实话，我译这一章节时，老是想着林肯公园的一首Iridescent歌曲，不妨用来作为此刻的心情，如下：
You were standing in the wake of devastation
You were waiting on the edge of the unknown
With the cataclysm raining down
Inside's crying save me now
You were there impossibly alone
你曾站于断壁残垣，你曾等在未知边沿，而当时，灾难残酷无边。里面有句哭喊声：“谁来救救我！我的天！”你就在那里，绝不孤单。
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go
Let it go
你是否感到恶寒，并且迷失中绝望？你建立希望，但失败始终让你彷徨。记住：所有悲伤与沮丧，就此遗忘，就此遗忘！
And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of temper grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms
一阵强光，刺瞎每一位天使。好像天空炸毁天堂，变成一颗颗星。你感受性情优雅的力量。掉进空洞无物之地，没人用他们手臂接住你。
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failures all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go
Let it go
你是否感到恶寒，并且迷失中绝望？你建立希望，但失败始终让你彷徨。记住：所有悲伤与沮丧，就此遗忘，就此遗忘！
中国从不缺少被虐待的孩子，譬如你我他，我们都在暴打的辱骂的环境中长大，因此，恐怕或多或少，都有着原生家庭创伤，我甚至用一句类似英文单词sin来形容这种创伤，那就是“原生家庭的罪孽”，此处的“原罪”来源父母、祖父母（曾外祖父母），曾祖父母（包括曾外祖父母），曾曾祖母（包括曾曾外祖父母）……老祖宗。伤痛在所难免，或轻或重，不一而足，愿我们在这首歌曲中治愈，愿在这部小说中看见伤痕，“就此遗忘，就此遗忘！Let it go！”
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黄思明(*^__^*)
翻译于2025年11月12日至12月24日
