伟大父母教养方法的ABC法则

        上文让你初步了解了这本书大概会讲什么，接下来我要简略谈谈指导这本书的基本哲学。我提出的伟大父母的教养方式包括两个方面：一方面，它有赖于培养察觉能力。无论是自我察觉，还是对他人的察觉（比如你的家人），或是对当下的察觉。适用于一个孩子在某一时刻的方法，在另一个时刻，或另一个孩子身上未必适用。随着情绪和环境的改变，我们需要察觉正在发生着什么，需要做什么，然后灵活调整我们的策略和方法。

        例如，如果我们白天曾跟同事发生矛盾，那么我们需要意识到当我们晚上回到家里时这件事可能仍在影响着我们，这样我们就不会突然乱发脾气。在我们感到孤独或沮丧时，我们要特别注意，要避免无意地以不当的方式对待孩子，只顾着自己的情绪需要而忽略了孩子的情绪需要。我们需要察觉到我们的想法和感觉，才能够停下来反省，然后再选择要做什么，而非简单地靠自然反应（参考第11、15和18个策略）。

        除了察觉之外，另一方面，伟大父母的教养方法要以学术研究为基础，这些研究证明了什么对孩子才是有效的。有的研究可以让我们得到意想不到的领悟。比如表扬，直觉可能会告诉你，表扬越多，孩子会变得越自信，而事实恰好与之相反。受到过度表扬的孩子，更倾向于对自己的能力不自信，尤其是当这些表扬是不具体的、只基于孩子的特征和能力（例如：真棒！你真聪明！）而非努力时，更是如此（理由请参考第42个策略）。好的研究帮助我们弄清楚什么能有效教育孩子而什么不能，这样我们才不会被似是而非的观点或理论所误导。

        学习伟大父母的教育方法不是去熟练记住一系列的规则，而更像是熟练讲一门语言。通过练习，流利的讲话者内化了一系列的原则，然后就能够运用这些原则去精妙地组织适用于当下情景和目的的话。就像讲一门语言一样，教养孩子是一项可以通过学习和练习而提高的（参考第5个策略）。所以，当我们把基于研究的一些普遍原则跟我们自己当下的察觉结合起来时，我们便能够以最好的准备去应对教养孩子上的挑战。

        在本书介绍的教养方法背后，是三个核心原则，我把它们成为ABC原则。A代表“接纳”（Acceptance），B代表“界限”（Boundaries），C代表“一致性”（Consistency）。

        “接纳”这一原则背后的要义是你要传递（通过语言、行为和神态）给孩子这一信息：你爱他们，无论他们是什么样子的（即使在你不喜欢他们某些行为或选择的时候）。接纳跟无条件的爱很接近，但是我想说的是，我这里提到的接纳事实上更难做到。

        例如，想想一个动作不协调的书呆子，他的运动员爸爸一直希望儿子能够像他一样。这位爸爸可以鼓励他的儿子多参加运动，以培养运动技能，拓展舒适区，但是他能否带着爱和欣赏去鼓励孩子，而不是因孩子不能成为他所期望的人而失望？这是困难却又至关重要的事情。阐释接纳这一原则教养方法包括策略6、8、9、14、16、18、29、34、39、43和74。

        建立和传达清晰的“界限”是第二个核心原则。孩子需要限制和界限。他们在期望和规则都清晰而合理的家庭中最有安全感。对应这一原则的教养方法包括策略11、21、22、23、38、41、50、51、52、71和72.

        跟界限原则紧密相关的原则是“一致性”。一致性意味着你说了要做的就要做到，意味着可预测性。有了一致性，孩子对界限的试探就会被最小化，因为他们很快就会知道你是会言出必行的。如果没有一致性，规则和界限的有效性就会被大大减弱了。

        在我的工作坊里，我有时候会用重力的概念来阐述一致性原则。当你把一样东西从空中放下时，如果它偶尔（即使只有一次）没有往下掉，你大概会不断地尝试，看看这种情况会不会再出现。父母如果不遵守一致性原则，那么孩子通常就会不断地试探父母的限制和界限，因为孩子要了解父母会如何做（参考策略34），试探限制和界限是否可以突破。跟一致性原则相对应的教养策略包括1,17、18,、23、31、 46、47、53、 54和71。

        这本书的名字也是经过仔细选择的，目的是要反映出这里所陈述的教养哲学。首先，我用“伟大”这个词而非“完美”来描述我们应该渴望做到的教养方法。天下没有完美的父母，企图成为这样的“神兽”很可能会引起沮丧的情绪和不足感。伟大的父母也会犯错误，但犯错误可以是一件好事，父母可以示范给孩子看，在犯错误之后可以如何做，如何诚实而负责任地回应。

        我特意把书的名字起为“伟大父母做些什么”（明赐注：一开始翻译书名，没有这样直译，不知是否该改？）而不是“伟大父母懂得什么”。知和行这两者的区别是很大的。先知而后能行，但若知而不行，依然不能有所改变。

        我们都有过这样的经历：我们知道睡眠很重要，但是却熬夜看电影。我们知道不应该老是查看邮件和Facebook网站（明赐注：对于中国人来说，相当于微信朋友圈），但还是忍不住去看。我们知道对孩子应该有耐心，但却做不到。因此，成为伟大父母的关键之一，便是不仅能知，而且能行。

       在实际中要做到坐言起行，需要努力和练习。这不是件容易的事，比如要在不想锻炼身体时仍然起来运动。我们知道应该这样做，也知道如何去做，但是要让自己真正行动起来却是困难的。但是，一旦我们努力让自己养成锻炼（练习）的习惯，它就会变得容易持续下去（明赐注：一般人总觉得坚持跑步很难，但是我曾经大概持续了六年，基本每天都跑步，前半年不容易，但后面几年不需要多少意志力）。因此，虽然爱孩子是父母的天性，但是教养孩子却是一门需要学习、练习和提高的技能。

        如果我们有幸在懂教育的父母的教育下长大，那么我们很可能也懂得伟大父母会做些什么。但是，如果我们没有这么幸运（对于我们很多人来说确实如此），我们就需要想办法去学习和练习那些技能，让我们成为有爱而有效的父母。即使我们有懂教育的父母，我们仍然能够提高我们的教养技能，因为研究在不断地为我们提供关于儿童大脑和行为的新的、有用的见解。

        把教养孩子当做一门技能的另一个好处是帮助我们正确面对自己的错误，不过度批判自己，而是保持开放的心态，不断学习，并且持续地寻找新的有用信息来不断改进自己的技能。所以，我们需要知道要做什么、怎么做，然后真正地去做。

        当你阅读这本书时，无论你是一页一页地读还是挑着读，你都可能会感到沮丧甚至是焦虑，因为你发现了自己在教养孩子上的错误（所有人都会犯错），例如你希望自己应该以不同的方式处理某件事情，或者你希望自己早点懂得什么。如果你有这种情况，请记住，我们所有人都会犯错误，但我们的孩子是有抗挫折能力的，我们只能从此时此刻开始改变，从现在开始有意识地选择如何回应我们生活中的人和事（参考策略75）。

        我将以一个小轶事来进一步阐释伟大父母的教养方法，并以此结束这一篇。大概十五年前，我和我丈夫决定要收养一条狗。我们俩都没有养过狗，只是看到别人养，觉得很好玩，而且两人都喜欢狗。所以我们就到本地的宠物收留所领养了一只可爱的小狗。领回来之后，我们很快就意识到我们在管理小狗的各种行为上需要得到一些指导。于是，我们报名了一个训练狗的课程。

        我们去参加这个课程，渴望学到如何训练狗，如何改变它的一些问题行为。结果，这个课程更多的是在训练我们，而不是讲如何训练狗。课程训练我们如何像狗一样思考，如何解读狗的行为，如何跟小狗互动才能让它学习和成长。

        最重要的是，我们学到要让狗改变它的行为，我们必须先改变自己的行为。这一课可以应用到我们所有的关系中。虽然我们容易看到孩子的错误并且想要“修理”我们的孩子，但是这种方法忽略了改变关系的一个关键原则。

        关系就像是双人舞蹈。如果一个人改变他的舞步，另外一个人就必须改变她的。这对于孩子来说更是如此。所以，下次当你发现自己希望孩子少哭闹、多听话或者有其他更好的表现时，请记住：要改变孩子的行为，你就必须从改变自己开始。

The ABCs of Great Parenting

Having given you a sense of what to expect in the book, I’ll also say a few words about the philosophy that guides it. My recipe for great parenting is twofold. On one hand, it depends on cultivating awareness—specifically, nonjudgmental awareness—of yourself, of others (such as your family), and of the moment. What is called for with one child in one moment may not be the right approach at a different time or with a different child. As both moods and circumstances change, we need to be aware of what is happening and what is called for, and then flexibly adapt our strategy and approach.

If, for example, we have had a conflict with a coworker earlier in the day, then we need to be aware of how that conflict may still be affecting us when we arrive home for the evening, so that we don’t suddenly find ourselves losing our temper. If we are feeling lonely or depressed, we need to be watchful of inadvertently putting our needs before our children’s in inappropriate ways. We need to be aware of our thoughts and feelings so that we can pause, reflect, and make a choice about what to do, rather than simply reacting (see #11, 15, and 18).

In addition to awareness, great parenting is also grounded in what good research tells us about what works with kids. Some of this research has led to unexpected insights. Take praise, for example: It seems intuitive that the more you praise a child, the more confident the child will become. In fact, the opposite tends to be true. Children who receive excessive praise, especially nonspecific praise that is based on traits and abilities (such as “Good job” or “You’re so smart”) rather than effort, tend to be less confident in their abilities. (See #42 for why this is so.) Good research helps us get clear on what really works with kids and what doesn’t, so that we aren’t accidentally misled by ideas or theories that seem like good ideas but really aren’t.

Great parenting is not about memorizing a set of rules, it’s more like skillfully speaking a language. Through practice, fluent speakers internalize a set of principles and are then able to craft their language to suit the moment and their purpose. Like speaking a language, parenting is a skill that can be improved through learning and practice (see also #5). So when we combine some general principles based on research with our own moment-to-moment awareness, we can be most prepared for the parenting challenges that come our way.

Underlying the parenting practices described in this book are three key principles that I call the ABCs of great parenting. The A stands for Acceptance, B for Boundaries, and C for Consistency.*

The core idea behind the principle of Acceptance is that you should always communicate to your kids (through your words, behavior, and demeanor) that you love them just the way they are (even when you don’t like their behavior or choices). Acceptance is similar to unconditional love, though I would argue that the kind of acceptance I am speaking of here is actually more challenging.

Think, for example, of a bookish and uncoordinated boy whose athletic father had always hoped for a son like himself. While this father may encourage his son to participate in sports in order to build his skills and expand his comfort zone, can the father do so in a way that still conveys love and appreciation for his son as he is, rather than disappointment at his son’s failure to be what his father had hoped? This is a difficult, but vitally important, task. Some of the parenting practices that exemplify the principle of Acceptance are #6, 8, 9, 14, 16, 18, 29, 34, 39, 43, and 74.

Establishing and communicating clear Boundaries is the second key principle. Kids need limits and boundaries. They ultimately feel safest in a family environment where expectations and rules are clear and reasonable. Parenting practices that fall under the principle of Boundaries consist of #11, 21, 22, 23, 38, 41, 50, 51, 52, 71, and 72.

Strongly related to the principle of Boundaries is the principle of Consistency. Consistency means doing what you say you will do; it means being predictable. With consistency, testing of boundaries is minimized since children will quickly learn that you can be expected to follow through. Without consistency, the effectiveness of rules and boundaries is greatly reduced.

In my workshops, I sometimes use the concept of gravity to illustrate the principle of Consistency. If, when you dropped something, it occasionally (or even once) did not fall down, you might keep dropping things to see if and when it would happen again. Kids whose parents are inconsistent will generally keep testing their parents’ limits and boundaries, since it’s part of learning how Mom and Dad work (see #34), and the kids might also get away with it. Some parenting practices associated with the principle of Consistency are #1, 17, 18, 23, 31, 46, 47, 53, 54, and 71.

The title of the book was also carefully chosen to reflect the philosophy of parenting presented here. First, I use the word “great” to describe the kind of parenting I think we should aspire to, instead of “perfect.” Perfect parents do not exist, and trying to be one of those mythical creatures is likely to invite feelings of frustration and inadequacy. Great parents make mistakes (see #12). Making mistakes can be a good thing when it gives parents the opportunity to model for kids what to do when they’ve made a mistake, and how to respond with integrity and responsibility.

I also deliberately titled the book “What Great Parents Do” instead of “What Great Parents Know.” The difference between doing and knowing is a critical one. While we generally cannot “do” without first knowing, if we know but do not act on what we know, then change will not happen.

We have each experienced examples of this: We know we should prioritize sleep, but instead we stay up late watching movies. We know we shouldn’t check our e-mail or Facebook page one more time (again), but we do. We know we should be patient with our kids, but we aren’t. One of the keys to being a great parent, then, is not just knowing how, but actually doing what we know.

Actually doing what we know takes effort and practice (see #2). It is not easy, for example, to get up and go exercise when we really don’t feel like doing it. We know it’s the right thing to do and we also know how, but it’s difficult to actually bring ourselves to do it. That said, once we have worked hard (effort) to get ourselves into a regular exercise routine (practice), it is much easier to maintain. For this reason, though loving our children comes naturally, parenting well is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and improved.

If we have been lucky enough to grow up with skillful parents, then we have probably acquired a good sense about what great parents do. But if, as is the case for many of us, we did not have such luck, then we need to find ways to learn and practice the skills that will help us be loving and effective parents. Even if we did have skillful parents, we can likely still improve our parenting skills, since research is continually providing new and useful insights into children’s brains and behavior.

Seeing parenting as a skill also helps us to refrain from judging ourselves harshly when we make mistakes, to maintain an attitude of openness and learning, and to continually seek new and useful information in our effort to keep building our skills. So we need to know what to do and how to do it, and then we must actually go ahead and do it.

As you read this book—whether from cover to cover or just dipping in and out—you might find yourself experiencing feelings of dismay or even anxiety about your own parenting missteps (which we all have), such as situations you wish you had handled differently or things you wish you had known. If that’s the case, please remember that we all make mistakes, our kids are resilient, and we can create change only by starting now, in this moment, to consciously choose how we want to respond to the people and events in our lives (see #75).

—

I’ll end with a short anecdote that further illustrates my approach to great parenting. About fifteen years ago, my husband and I decided to adopt a puppy. Neither of us had ever had a dog before but we saw others doing it, it looked fun, and we both liked dogs. So we went to the local pound and brought home an adorable puppy. We quickly realized that we needed some guidance to manage all the various puppy behaviors we were dealing with daily, so we signed up for a dog-training class.

We went to the class, eager to learn how to train our dog and change some of the problematic behaviors we had noticed. As it turned out, the puppy-training class was less about training the puppy and more about training us: how to think like a dog, how to interpret dog behavior, and how to interact with the puppy in a way that would allow her to learn and grow.

Most importantly, we learned that in order to get our dog to change her behavior, we had to change ours first. This is a lesson we can apply to all our relationships. While it’s tempting to look at what our children do wrong and see the solution as “fixing” our kids, that approach ignores a key principle of change in relationships.

Relationships are like a dance. If one person changes his steps, the other person must also change hers. This is especially true with our children. So the next time you find yourself wishing your kids would whine less, listen more, and so on—remember that to change your kids’ behavior, you have to start by changing yourself.