Grandma's hysterical crying thrusts the silence of the predawn, keeping me from sleeping and recovering from the exhaustion trying to look for her in the cold winter night just before. Her sister is keeping her company, but I sincerely doubt if the company is of any use. Every word she said was crystal clear. Hearing she pouring out her woes to her side of the family, I suddenly felt a surge of grief for both her and my mom.
I love my parents, and they love me, deeply very much. However, most of the time we spent together, we spent bickering to each other. We fought when planning for and taking a family trip; when visiting my grandparents; when I was depressed in college; when I was figuring out my career... For over 20 years living with my hot tempered parents, I began to accept these kind of expression, and formed a distorted way of understand love. I believe that what we have are real, tough, but real.
My mother had a different story. Growing up neither pretty nor intelligent, she was neglected or even too harsh on by grandma. Grandma scout my mom when she couldn't do good in school; when some naughty kids frame her up; when she embarrassed herself; even when she's not looking pretty. Sometime, I did feel the broken heart, and somehow, I shared it.
Grown up as a successful business woman and a loving mom, she never fully shake the shadow off. She fell in love with my father, and they've been fighting as the minutes they became a family, I assume. They are totally different person, having different characters, different thinking modes, and different philosophies.Yet tonight, they stopped fighting, both lying side by side trying to block grandma's teary complain silently.
The rigor my mom treat grandma is clearly different,. The reason is not because she's losing contribution to the family as grandma said, but complicated. My guess is that my mom has lost her patience as a young girl and a young woman. All the nicest thing one can sense and apply back to life and others will fade once age caught up. Grandma was there too, and now she is way lost in her mind.
"She treat her own mother like an enemy while her daughter watching! See what will you got from your own daughter!"..."Why should I leave here, I contribute my whole life to her. Now you wanna discard me like a garbage?! Because I'm no use to you! NO WAY!"..."I've endured your blame and scout just because I've been living under your roof and wearing the clothes you bought me. I didn't even wear those clothes, hoping you'd leave me alone! You EVIL SOUL! Treat your own mother like an enemy!"...It's like a bad song on repeat.
"Where were you, grandma?"
"Nowhere! Just outside."
"We looked everywhere, screaming your name..."
"I saw you."
"Why didn't you reply?"
"Why should I! You wanna send me away, calling my son to catch me. YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER LIKE AN ENEMY!"...""...""...""
I turned away and sat with my mom in the dark predawn for a while, listening to grandma's humiliation.
Dad stopped trying to be the middleman for a long time. I shouldn't have tried but I tried for a different reason. Dad blame each of them for making a huge fuss, but I grieve each of them trying so hard to keep this mother-daughter relationship for different reasons and both failed.
I remember the strict and intelligent grandma and loving and beautiful mom from my early memory. I remember fights from every important events happened in every stages of my life. I believe what we have is authentic, doubtful love. Right now, as I'm grieving for my mom and grandma's relationship, I still do.
