When I was young and little, my mother always emphasized to me and my younger brother how poor the family was, 'we have no money to buy you new clothes to wear at CNY, we can not afford any snacks except rice for three meals a day, you have to do whatever you could do to help the family ease some burden'. So me and my brother're always aware of the condition any time any where. We're used to wear the old clothes from our cousins, to never ask for snacks as kids, to do houseworks standing on a small seat so that to reach the stove.

My mother is kind of short-tempered, when me or my brother did something wrong, she won't talk to us to make it right, but heavy blame. I remember the most terrible thing she did was taking a chopper, and saying ' what would you want me to do ? You might as well kill me ! ' She tried to force me and my brother hold the chopper towards her body. I didn't remember what we did to make her such angry and disappointed, but that was a big nightmare for us for a very long time, even till now. I remember when I was on 3-rd grade, I won the third place at the final exam, but I was not dare to go home, as that's the first time I didn't win the 'Three Good Student' awards. I was shaking and felt afraid all the way home... It seems she was never satisfied with us. 

I know life was not easy at that time. But I cannot deny her way of teaching and raising kids have fundamentally and irreversiblely influenced our personality. Till now, me and my brother seems to have no ability to find self-confidence from the bones, we don't have our own opinions on things, and we‘re both weak on expression.

Now we're married and formed our own families. She starts to complain about my husband and my sister-in-law. She is too stubborn to listen to us. In her mind, everything that contradicts with her opinions is wrong.

It's kind of a traditional sense in China that elders are equivalent to authority. For such a long time, we choose to not revolt to them even we have objection about what they say or do. Now I realize, we should respect them, but shall not let them control our life. We cannot obey them on anything, as what wrong is wrong. 

I love my mother and I know she loves me all the time. But I will never raise a child like she did. I'll fill their childhood with happiness and fun. I'll teach them to respect people, and do whatever they like to do when they grow up. I'll encourage them to say NO if parents or teachers are wrong. It's important to follow your own heart instead of others'. I'll often say to them ‘I'm proud of you’, ‘Thank you for coming to my life’.