Why domestic violence victims don't leave

TED简介：莱斯利·摩根·斯泰纳曾经陷入“疯狂的爱情”——即爱上了一个经常虐待她并威胁她生命的男人。斯泰纳描述了她的婚姻中黑暗的一面，纠正了许多人对于家庭暴力受害者的错误理解，并告诉我们如何帮助受害者打破沉默。

演讲者：Leslie Morgan Steiner 莱斯利·摩根·斯泰纳

片长：16：00

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中英对照翻译

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

今天，我想聊一个令人不安的问题，这个问题的答案同样令人烦扰。我要说的是家庭暴力的秘密，而我将要回答的问题这个问题每个人都曾经问起： “为什么她（家庭暴力受害者）会留下来？” “怎么会有人愿意和一个打她的男人继续住在一起？” 我并不是精神病医生、社会工作者、也不是家庭暴力方面的专家。我只是一个有着亲身经历要讲述的女人。

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times.

当时我22岁，刚从哈佛学院毕业，我搬到了纽约，开始了自己第一份工作在“Seventeen”杂志社当编辑和撰稿人。我第一次有了自己的房子（公寓），有了第一张信用卡。我还有一个非常大的秘密。这个秘密就是我曾经被我认为是我灵魂伴侣的男人用这把装满空心弹头的枪指着我的头太多、太多次。

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I caneven remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychologicaltrap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall intoevery year. It may even be your story.

这个我曾经最爱的人，用枪指着我的头，并威胁要杀掉我，我已经记不得对我做了多少次。现在我所讲述的这个“疯狂爱情”的故事，是一个伪装成爱情的心理陷阱，每年都会有上百万的女性，甚至也包括一些男性会掉进这个陷阱。或许，它正发生在你的身上。

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA inmarketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband andwe have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odysseyminivan. (Laughter)

我看起来不像是典型的家庭暴力受害者，我拥有哈佛学院的英语学士学位，还拿到了沃顿商学院的市场营销方面的MBA学位。我决大多数时间都在为"财富"500强公司工作，包括强生、李奥贝纳和华盛顿邮报。我嫁给我的第二任丈夫差不多20年了并育有3个孩子。我养了一只黑色拉布拉多猎犬，开本田奥赛德面包车。（笑）

So, my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone — all races, all religions, all incomeand education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Notexactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only inintimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families,the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

这就是我要告诉你的第一个事实：家庭暴力可能发生在每个人身上，无关你的种族、信仰、收入和教育水平，它随处可见。我要说的第二个事实，是很多人认为既然家庭暴力发生在女性身上，那应该是女性自身的问题。不是的，超过85%的施虐者是男性，并且家庭暴力只发生在亲密的、相互依存的、长期的关系中， 换句话说，发生在家庭中，这是我们最不愿意，或最不期望看到暴力的地方。这也是为什么家庭暴力如此叫人困扰的原因之一。

I would have told you myself that I was thelast person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I wasa very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States,women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victimsas women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed everyyear by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

我原本以为世界上只有我一个人会继续留在一个打我的男人身边，但是事实上在我这个年龄段这种事情非常普遍。我当时22岁。而在美国，16至24岁的女性相比其他年龄段的女性 受到家庭暴力伤害的可能性要高出两倍以上。同样在美国，每年有超过500位妇女或女孩被施虐者杀害，凶手是她们的男友，或者丈夫。

I was also a very typical victim because Iknew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

我是一个非常典型的受害者，还因为我家庭暴力的预兆和发展模式一无所知。

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up.He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an IvyLeague school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. Butwhat made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smartand funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these bigapple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.

我在一个雨夜遇见了康纳，那时是一月份，天很冷。我们在纽约的地铁上碰巧坐在一起， 他先跟我聊了起来。他告诉我两件事。第一件是他也毕业于常春藤联盟学校，并且在一个非常好的华尔街银行工作。但是第一次见面给我留下最深印象的是他的智慧和幽默，而他的外貌看起来像农场男孩。他的脸颊像大苹果一样红扑扑的 小麦色的金发，看起来十分讨人喜欢。

One of the smartest things Conor did, fromthe very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partnerin the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me.We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'dgone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes anddreams.

在初次交往中康纳做的最聪明的事情，是让我相信，在这段感情中我是强势的一方。尤其刚开始的时候，他让我觉得我是他崇拜的偶像。我们开始交往，他喜欢关于我的一切，例如我的聪明，我在哈佛的求学经历，我给予青少年女性的热情帮助，以及我的工作。他很愿意了解我的家庭、我的童年、我的愿望和梦想。

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no oneelse ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us byconfessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at agefour, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather,and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighthgrade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuildinghis life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and hisbright shiny future meant so much to him.

康纳对我信任的程度，我身为一个女人和撰稿人，之前从未没有在别人那里得到过。通过透露他不为人知的秘密，他在我们之间营造了奇特的相互信任的氛围。他告诉我，他从四岁开始他的继父就开始持续野蛮的在身体上虐待他。虐待的结果是如此之坏，使得他不得不在八年级的时候辍学，尽管当时他十分的聪明。他花了几乎20年的时间重建他的生活。这也就是为什么常春藤大学的学位， 华尔街的工作和光明的未来，对他意义重大。

If you had told me that this smart,funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I woremakeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who myfriends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, becausethere was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning.I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is toseduce and charm the victim.

如果那时有人对我说这个聪明、幽默、体贴并喜欢我的男人，会有一天命令我是否化妆，我的裙子能多短，我生活在哪，要做什么工作，能和谁交朋友和在哪度过圣诞，我会嘲笑你，因为我在康纳身上看不出一点暴力或者控制欲或者愤怒的预兆。当时我并不知道，引诱和迷惑受害者是家庭暴力关系开始的第一步。

I also didn't know that the second step isto isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I needto move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" —(Laughter) — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where theneighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends andfamily and coworkers who can see the bruises."

我当时也不知道，第二步是孤立受害者。康纳并不是回到家，向我宣布 “嘿，虽然罗曼蒂克之类的很棒，但是我们要进入下一阶段了我要孤立你然后虐待你。”（笑） “所以我要你离开你自己的公寓， 防止你的邻居他听见你的惨叫，我还要让你离开这个有你的朋友、家人和同事的城市不然他们会看到你的伤痕。”

Instead, Conor came homeone Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dreamjob, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made himfeel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Streetanymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive,dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he couldstart his life over with me by his side.

事实是，康纳在一个周五的晚上回到家，告诉我他辞掉了他的工作，他梦寐以求的工作。他说他是因为我才辞职，我让他拥有了无比的幸福和安全感，他再不需要到华尔街证明自己。现在他只想离开这座城市，原理那个充满虐待的、不正常的家庭，搬到新英格兰的某个小镇和我一起在那里开始新的生活。

Now, the last thing I wanted to do wasleave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for yoursoulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattantogether. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walkingheadfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.

当时，我最不想做的就是离开纽约、离开我热爱的工作，但是为了自己灵魂伴侣，我想我需要做出牺牲。所以我同意了，辞掉了工作，跟康纳一起离开了曼哈顿。我以为自己陷入了疯狂的爱情，还不知道我已经懵懂的走进了一张精心编织的控制你身体、心灵和经济的陷阱。

The next step in the domestic violencepattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. Andhere's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England — you know,that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe — he bought three guns. Hekept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows onour bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said thathe needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. Heneeded them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, andeven though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave dangerevery minute of every day.

家庭暴力模式的第三阶段就是开始用暴力威胁（受害者）并观察她的反应。这就是刚才（我拿出来的）枪的用途。我们刚搬到新英格兰小镇——我想，康纳应该是觉得这里很安全—— 他就买了三支枪。一支放在车子的置物箱里，一支放在床的枕头下面，第三支则一直放在口袋里。他说小时候的精神创伤使得他需要拥有这些枪来让他自己保持安全感。那些枪对我来说是一个明显的信号，尽管他并没有拿起枪指着我，我已经无时不刻不处在危险的边缘。

Conor first physically attacked me fivedays before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I wasworking on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and Igot frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his handsaround my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,and he used the chokehold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five dayslater, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother'swedding dress, and I married him.

康纳第一次打我是在我们婚礼的五天前。那是早上七点，我还穿着睡袍。我正在用电脑工作，想要完成自由职业撰稿的任务，当时我有些烦躁，康纳以我的愤怒为借口，用双手掐住我的脖子，死死的掐着，让我无法呼吸，喊不出声。他从背后勒着我的脖子 一次一次的把我的头往墙上撞。五天之后，脖子上的十个手指印刚消退，我就穿上我妈妈的婚纱， 嫁给了他。

Despite what had happened, I was sure wewere going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me somuch. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by thewedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and hewas never going to hurt me again.

尽管发生了那些事情，我还是相信我们以后能幸福的生活，因为我们如此的相爱，也因为 他表现出的深深的悔意。他只是压力太大了，婚礼的筹备和我家庭成员的到来让他喘不过气。这是一个意外，而他以后不会再伤害我。

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and hepunched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my headrepeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, drivinghome from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold BigMac in my face. Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the nexttwo and a half years of our marriage.

蜜月期间我又被打了两次。第一次，我驾车去寻找秘密的海滩，我迷路了， 他（坐在副驾驶座上）不停的打我的头，打得如此的使劲以至于我的头不断的撞到驾驶座车门的玻璃。没过几天，过完蜜月开车回家的路上堵车让他很烦躁，他把一个冰冷的巨无霸砸在我的脸上。在我跟康纳两年半的婚姻生活中，我每周都会被打一到两次。

I was mistaken in thinking that I wasunique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiencesdomestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reportsthat 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I wasin very good company.

我曾经误以为只有我一个人有这样的遭遇。事实上，每三个美国女性中就有一个曾是家庭暴力受害者或潜在的目标，而CDC的报告称每年有1500万的儿童遭受虐待，1500万。所以事实上，我不是个例。

Back to my question: Why did I stay? Theanswer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held thoseloaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog,pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, pouredcoffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thoughtof myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with adeeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conorface his demons.

回到我的问题：为什么我要留下来了？答案很简单。我并不知道他是在虐待我。尽管他用上膛的枪指着我的头，把我推下楼梯，威胁杀掉我们的狗，在高速公路上拔掉车钥匙，在我为了面试而准备着装时把咖啡粉从我头上倒下来，我从来没有想过自己是一个受到虐待的妻子。正好相反，我是一个很强硬的女性深爱着这个饱受困扰的男人，而且我是这世上唯一一个可以帮助康纳面对自己心魔的人。

The other question everybody asks is, whydoesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. Tome, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because wevictims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave anabuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her.

大家都想问的另一个问题是，为什么她不离开？我为什么没有逃跑？我有很多的机会。对我来说，这是人们问过的最让我伤心和痛苦的问题，你不能理解，但是只有我们受害者自己清楚离开施虐者是多么的危险。因为在家庭暴力中的最后一步就是杀掉她。

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has endedthe relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothingleft to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuserremarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family courtsystem to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced byfamily court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat theirmother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

超过70%的家庭暴力谋杀 发生在受害者结束这段关系后， 在她离开之后，因为施虐者已经毫无顾忌。其他可能的结果包括长期的跟踪，甚至施虐者再婚之后（仍会跟踪）；拒绝经济支持；欺骗家庭法庭来恐吓受害者和她的孩子。孩子们通常会被家庭问题法官要求和那个打他们母亲的男人一起度过一段无人监管的时间。现在我们仍然会问，她为什么不逃走？

I was able to leave, because of one final,sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who Iloved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So, I broke the silence. Itold everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, totalstrangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.

我之所以决定离开，是因为最后一次残暴的殴打突破了我能承受的极限。我意识到如果我不反抗，这个我曾深爱的男人会杀掉我。所以我打破了沉默。我向所有人求助：警察，邻居，我的朋友和家人，完全陌生的人，今天我能站在这里，因为你们每个人都帮助了我。

We tend to stereotype victims as grislyheadlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why doesshe stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault forstaying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with menintent upon destroying us.

我们倾向于将受害者描述成作贱自己、轻浮的女人，就像新闻中可怕的标题所言。 “为什么她要留下？” 问这个问题的一些人实际上在说，“这是她自己的错“， 就好像受害者是有意的和意图摧残她们的男人相爱。

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, wholearned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives —joyous, happy lives — as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free ofviolence, like me.

但”Crazy Love”这本书出版之后，很多男人和女人跟我诉说了他们的故事，他们也想告诉别人，他们从发生的事情中学到了无价的一课，他们重新开始了生活——开心快乐的生活——作为员工、妻子和母亲，就像我现在一样生活，远离暴力。

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typicaldomestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarrieda kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, andI have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun heldto my head by someone who says that he loves me.

实际上，我是典型的家庭暴力受害者， 也是典型的家庭暴力幸存者。 我和一个温柔善良男人再次结婚， 有了三个孩子。 我养了一只黑色拉布拉多猎犬，开本田奥赛德面包车。而我永远不会再拥有的， 永远 是一个嘴里说爱我的人用上膛了的枪指着我的脑袋。

Right now, maybe you're thinking,"Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you thereare several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused orwho were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could beaffecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.

此时此刻，你可能在想，哇，这才神奇了，或者，“喔，她真蠢，” 但是在整个过程中，事实上，我在谈论的是你。我敢保证，现在正在听我说话的人中有一些人正遭受着虐待或者曾经在小时候被虐待过，或者你就是一个施虐者。虐待可能正发生在你的女儿身上，发生在你的姐妹、你最好的朋友身上。

I was able to end my own crazy love storyby breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way ofhelping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what youheard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domesticviolence simply by shining a spotlight on it.

我能够结束自己“疯狂的爱”的故事靠的是打破沉默。今天我仍然在打破着沉默。这是我帮助其他的受害者的方式，同时也是我对你们最后的请求。告诉别人你今天听到的。虐待只能活在沉默中。你有能力制止家庭暴力只需要点亮星星之火。

We victims need everyone. We needevery one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse thelight of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, yourfriends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with fullfutures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalateit, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinnertables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

我们受害者需要每一个人的帮助。我们需要你们每一个人理解家庭暴力的秘密。和你的孩子，你的同事，你的朋友和家人讨论这个话题，将虐待曝之于光，帮助幸存者重新找回美好、可爱的自己，重新拥有未来。发现家庭暴力的预兆并认真的干预， 减少发生的可能性，给受害者提供安全的出路。让我们携起手来，让我们的床，我们餐桌和家庭成为它们应该成为的安全、和平的绿洲。

Thank you.

谢谢。