Am I in Love? Beware the Spontaneity Bias

我坠入爱河了吗？当心自发性偏见

If I can’t stop thinking about them, does it mean I’ve fallen in love?

我无法不想他们就意味着我已经坠入爱和了吗？

For centuries, February has been known as the month of love. We all become especially aware of our intimate partner relationships, or our lack thereof, in February.

几个世纪以来，人们一直认为，二月时象征着爱的月份。在二月，我们都会变得特别注意与我们亲密的伴侣的关系和其中的缺乏。

thereof 英 [ˌðeərˈɒv]  美 [ˌðerˈʌv] adv. 它的；由此；在其中；关于…；将它

It's a good time to take stock of our intimate relationships and to express love and commitment to our partner. After all, to love and be loved is one of the most important elements of a fulfilling life and happiness. And yet, millions of adults are shut out of a loving, intimate relationship. 

二月是估计我们和伴侣之间的亲密关系，并且表达对他们的爱和承诺最好的时候。毕竟，对于充实的生活和幸福来说，最重要的因素之一就是爱与被爱。至今，成千上万的成年人正被爱和亲密关系困扰。

take stock of 盘点；估量；估计

commitment 英 [kəˈmɪtmənt]  美 [kəˈmɪtmənt] n.承诺;许诺;允诺承担;保证;(对工作或某活动)献身，奉献，投入;已承诺(或同意)的事;不得不做的事

are shut out of 被......拒之门外

According to the Pew Research Center, 42 percent of American adults were living without a spouse or partner in 2017.1 This, along with the popularity of online dating sites, suggests that millions of adults are in search of true love. But recognizing genuine love for another is complicated, and getting it wrong can lead to considerable misery and discouragement. Take Jan's intimate partner experiences as an example.

Pew研究中心的结果显示，在2017年1月，42%的美国成年人没有配偶或伴侣，和线上约会网站上的群体一样，暗示着成千上万的成年人在寻找真爱。但是，辨认出真爱是复杂的，误会使人非常痛苦、灰心。以Jan的亲密伙伴经理为例子来谈吧。

considerable 英 [kənˈsɪdərəbl]  美 [kənˈsɪdərəbl] adj.相当多(或大、重要等)的

Jan's Search for Love

Jan is a 41-year-old divorced mother with two school-aged children. Although highly successful in her career, Jan spoke about her regrets and sense of defeat over her intimate relationships with men. Before marriage, she had an active dating life, including several serious relationships. Men were attracted to her but then stalled in making a commitment.

Jan的求爱之旅

Jan是有两个学龄孩子的41岁离异母亲。尽管在事业上十分的成功，Jan说她在与男人的亲密关系中有种后悔和挫败感。结婚前，她经常有约会，包括几段重要的关系。男人们被她吸引但却不向她承诺。

stall in 暂缓......

stall 英 [stɔːl]  美 [stɔːl] n.货摊，摊位，售货亭(尤指集市上的);牲畜棚;马厩;牛棚;(房间内的)小隔间，淋浴室，洗手间v.(使)熄火，抛锚;故意拖延(以赢得时间);拖住(以赢得时间做某事)

Time and again, Jan would fall for a guy, but as soon as this happened, he'd lose interest and disappear, leaving her feeling confused and rejected. Now, as a middle-aged, divorced mother trying to navigate 21st-century dating practices, relationships were evaporating faster than ever. Like before, she'd develop an intense interest in having a relationship, convinced it might be true love, but then it never worked out. He'd end the relationship, leaving Jan with that old feeling of rejection, worthlessness, and despair. 

Jan经常会在喜欢上一个男孩后，很快那个男孩对她失去兴趣并离开了，她感到很困惑并且很抗拒。现在，作为一名离异的单身妈妈想在21世纪找到约会的方法，关系会消失的更快。像以前，她很渴望有一段关系，深信那就是真爱，但却从没没实现。男人会结束这段关系，离开Jan,Jan会感受到那熟悉的被拒绝的感觉，觉得自己很没用，陷入绝望。

Time and again 屡次；常常

evaporate 英 [ɪˈvæpəreɪt]  美 [ɪˈvæpəreɪt] v.(使)蒸发，挥发;(逐渐)消失，消散，衰减

Despite all the successes Jan experienced in other areas of her life, why did she struggle so with romantic relationships? One possibility is that Jan was falling victim to the spontaneity bias.

尽管在Jan的人生里她经理了很多的成功，为什么她会在爱情里受尽磨难呢？一个可能就是Jan落入了受害者的自发性偏见中。

spontaneity 英 [ˌspɒntəˈneɪəti]  美 [ˌspɑːntəˈneɪəti] n.自发性;自然

Love and the Spontaneity Bias

In previous postings, I've talked about unwanted, negative, intrusive thoughts and their effects on our emotional health. But not all of our spontaneous thinking is negative. A high proportion of this type of thought is positive. It includes positive, intrusive thoughts as well as mind-wandering, daydreaming, and sudden recall of past experiences. 

爱和自发性偏见

在先前的帖子中，我已经讨论过无用的、消极的、烦扰的想法对我们情绪健康的影响。但不是我们自身所有自发性的想法都是消极的。大部分这类型的想法是积极的。它包含积极、侵入的想法以及神游，白日梦，和突然回忆过去的经历。

posting 英 [ˈpəʊstɪŋ]  美 [ˈpoʊstɪŋ] n.派驻;(发送到互联网讨论组的)帖子，消息，信息

intrusive 英 [ɪnˈtruːsɪv]  美 [ɪnˈtruːsɪv] adj.侵入的;闯入的;侵扰的;烦扰的;添加的;插入的

It turns out that positive, spontaneous thinking is very useful in achieving our goals, planning, creativity, and dealing with the future. When people have frequent positive, spontaneous thoughts about an enjoyable activity, they're more likely to engage in that activity. Given that the frequency of positive, spontaneous thought is also linked to positive emotion and well-being, it makes sense that we pay more attention to this type of thinking.

研究证明，积极、侵入性的想法对于实现目标、计划、创意和规划未来都是很有用的。当人们频繁的对一个有趣的活动产生积极、侵入性的想法时，他更有可能参加这个活动。根据上述的说法，积极、侵入性的想法产生的频率也与积极的情绪和幸福感相关，我们更加关注这种类型的想法是有道理的。

it makes sense that .......是有道理的

There are two other reasons why we have a built-in bias toward our positive daydreams and mind-wandering. First, positive, spontaneous thinking boosts motivation, such as causing us to want to engage in certain actions.And second, we have this implicit belief that thoughts that arise spontaneously are more meaningful and insightful of our true inner self than more directed, effortful thought.

我们对自身积极的白日梦和神游存在内在的偏见有两个原因。首先，积极、侵入性的想法会促进动机，比方说导致我们想参加确切的活动。其二，我们猜想，我们真实内在的自己产生的侵入性的想法相比被引导着努力产生的想法更加的有意义，更加深刻。

built-in 英 [ˌbɪlt ˈɪn]  美 [ˌbɪlt ˈɪn] adj.是…的组成部分的;嵌入式的;内置的

implicit 英 [ɪmˈplɪsɪt]  美 [ɪmˈplɪsɪt] adj.含蓄的;不直接言明的;成为一部分的;内含的;完全的;无疑问的

insightful 英 [ˈɪnsaɪtfʊl]  美 [ˈɪnsaɪtfʊl] adj.有深刻了解的;富有洞察力的

What, you might ask, has all this to do with love? There are two critical questions to falling in love: Am I in love, and does my partner love me? The spontaneity bias is relevant to the first question. How do we know we're in love? 

你会想问，这些和爱有关吗？相爱有两个关键的问题：我爱他，并且我的伴侣也爱我吗？这种自发性的偏见与第一个问题相关。怎样知道我们是否在爱呢？

Certainly, there are many indicators of being in love, some of them neurochemical, physiological, emotional, interpersonal, behavioral, and yes, even spiritual or transcendent. But being in love also affects how we think. So, naturally, if your ability to think and concentrate is frequently interrupted by positive, spontaneous, intrusive thoughts, daydreaming, and mind-wandering about the relationship, and it's hard to shift your attention back to the task at hand, you might take this as a sign of true love. 

当然，有很多神经化学的、生理的、情感的、人际关系的、行为的甚至是精神的或是极好的指标可以显示相爱。但相爱也影响着我们的思想。因此，自然而然地，如果你思考的能力和注意力经常被人际关系方面的积极的、侵入性的想法、白日梦或是神游打断，并且很难重新专注到任务上，这可能是真的坠入爱河的信号。

neurochemical adj.神经化学的 n.神经化学物质

transcendent 英 [trænˈsendənt]  美 [trænˈsendənt] adj.卓越的;杰出的;极其伟大的

This was Jan's problem. She assumed her constant daydreaming, mind-wandering, and intrusive reminiscing about her current partner meant she was in love. But Jan's focus was too narrow. She gave too much meaning to her spontaneous thinking and overlooked other ways to determine if this was genuine love. This caused Jan to conclude too quickly she was in love, which then resulted in an escalation in emotional intensity and eventual breakup.

这就是Jan的问题。假设她对于现在的伴侣经常出现白日梦，神游和侵入性的回忆，就意味着她真地爱他。这使得Jan太早下结论她坠入爱河了，这然后导致情感强烈度的扩大，最后导致情感破裂。

assume 英 [əˈsjuːm]  美 [əˈsuːm] v.假定;假设;认为;承担(责任);就(职);取得(权力);呈现(外观、样子);显露(特征)

reminisce 英 [ˌremɪˈnɪs]  美 [ˌremɪˈnɪs] v.回忆，追忆，缅怀(昔日的快乐时光)

escalation 英 [ˌeskəˈleɪʃn]  美 [ˌeskəˈleɪʃn] n.升级，逐步升级，增加；扩大；逐步上升;调值；价格调整

intensity 英 [ɪnˈtensəti]  美 [ɪnˈtensəti] n.强烈;紧张;剧烈;强度;烈度

I am not saying that you should ignore your spontaneous thoughts about the relationship or consider them meaningless or irrelevant. Rather I am cautioning against over-interpreting their meaning and significance. 

我不是说你应该忽视你关于关系的自发的想法或者认为它无意义或不相关。而是我建议你不要过度解释它的意义和重要性。

caution against 警告；告诫（+doing）

over-interpreting 过度解释

Knowing whether this is the right relationship for you and whether you're feeling genuine love requires much more than interpreting what happens in your spontaneous mind. You'll want to consider how you feel when together, the quality of your interactions, how you behave toward each other, your physical reactions, and so on. To achieve this more holistic approach to knowing love, consider some steps you can take to control the spontaneity bias.

要知道这段关系是否适合你，你是否感觉到真爱，需要的远不止解释你自发的想法。你要考虑在一起时的感受，互动的质量，你对彼此的行为，你的身体反应等等。为了实现这种更全面的了解爱的方法，考虑一些你可以采取的措施来控制自发性偏见。

Harnessing Your Spontaneous Mind

Awareness: We need to start with greater awareness of our tendency to assume that thoughts are more meaningful when they suddenly pop into our minds. It's important to question our spontaneous thinking, knowing that their spontaneity doesn't necessarily mean you're in love. Some people have more spontaneous thoughts than others, so your frequent daydreaming and mind-wandering may simply reflect your style of thinking.

利用你的自发思维

意识：我们需要从更强烈的意识开始，我们倾向于认为当想法突然出现在我们的脑海中时，它们会更有意义。质疑我们自发的想法是很重要的，要知道他们的自发性并不一定意味着你恋爱了。有些人比其他人有更多自发的想法，所以你经常做白日梦和神游可能只是反映了你的思维方式。

harness 英 [ˈhɑːnɪs]  美 [ˈhɑːrnɪs] n.马具;挽具;(用于人，起固定或保护作用的)背带，保护带v.给(马等)上挽具;用挽具把…套到…上;控制，利用(以产生能量等)

pop into 匆匆走进

Attend to Deliberate, Effortful Thinking: Much of our day is spent in task-focused, deliberate, and effortful thought. While writing this article, I must direct my thinking to compose a sensible discussion of the topic at hand. However, I do get spontaneous ideas about the article, what I might call "inspiration" at the time of writing. Later, when editing the article, I deliberately think about what earlier seemed so "inspiring," and it's no longer so meaningful. Often, I dramatically edit or even delete that spontaneous, "inspirational" idea. Why not do the same with your positive, spontaneous relationship thoughts? Spend time in deliberate, effortful thought about the relationship and your feelings. This process of "thinking it through" is just as significant in determining your true feelings of love and commitment as interpreting your daydreams and mind-wandering. 

专注于深思熟虑的思考：我们一天中的大部分时间都花在专注于任务、深思熟虑和需要努力的思考上。在写这篇文章的时候，我必须引导我的思想来对手头的主题进行一个合理的讨论。然而，我确实对这篇文章有了自发的想法，在写作时我可以称之为“灵感”。后来，在编辑这篇文章时，我会刻意去想一想，之前看起来很“鼓舞人心”的东西，也不再那么有意义了。通常，我会戏剧性地编辑甚至删除那些自发性的、鼓舞人心的想法。为什么不把你的积极的，自发性的关系想法也这样做呢？花点时间在你的关系和感受上，这是需要深思熟虑和需要努力思考的。这个“仔细思考”的过程对决定你对爱和承诺的真实感受时，就像解释你的白日梦和思绪游荡一样重要。

Attend to 注意；照料；致力于

deliberate 英 [dɪˈlɪbərət , dɪˈlɪbəreɪt]  美 [dɪˈlɪbərət , dɪˈlɪbəreɪt] adj.故意的;蓄意的;存心的;不慌不忙的;小心翼翼的;从容不迫的 v.仔细考虑;深思熟虑;反复思考

at hand adv.在手边；即将到来

dramatically 英 [drəˈmætɪk(ə)li]  美 [drə'mætɪkli] adv.戏剧地;显著地

Balance Intuition With Reason: You've often heard it said: "But I just love him (her)," or "I have to follow my heart." Often, such statements reflect a spontaneity bias, a belief that intuition, a gut feeling, or spontaneous thoughts reflect our true inner self. But in seeking love, reason must balance intuition. The spontaneity of thought and feeling must co-existent with an intentional, effortful, and thoughtful consideration of the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. Only in this way can you begin to understand your love and commitment to this relationship.

用理性平衡直觉：你经常听人们这样的说：“但我只是爱他（她）”，或“我必须跟随我的心”。通常，这样的陈述反映了一种自发性偏见，一种直觉、本能的想法或自发想法反映了我们真实的内在自我。但在寻求爱情时，理性必须平衡直觉。思想和感觉的自发性必须与有意的、需要努力的、深思熟虑的考虑关系的强弱的想法共存。只有这样，你才能开始理解你对这段关系的爱和承诺。

gut 英 [ɡʌt]  美 [ɡʌt] n.消化道;肠道;(尤指动物的)内脏;(尤指大的)胃，肚子 v.损毁(建筑物或房屋的)内部;取出…的内脏(以便烹饪) adj.以感情为基础的;非理性的;本能的

co-existent adj.共同存在的

intentional 英 [ɪnˈtenʃənl]  美 [ɪnˈtenʃənl] adj.故意的;有意的;存心的

Like Jan, do you too quickly think you've fallen in love? Has this had a negative impact on your intimate relationships? If so, consider whether you're over-interpreting your positive, spontaneous relationship thoughts.

你也会像Jan一样，很快的认为自己坠入爱河了吗?这对你的亲密关系是否造成了影响?如果是，请考虑一下你是否过度解释了对于你们之间的关系的积极的、入侵性的想法。

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