I have great doubt about the meaning of my life this morning.
At the moment I'm sitting in a Buddhist meeting that I suppose to be one of the group. But I feel so self-discriminate only sitting with this people.
First of all, I have been feeling shame for ages of my own body: too fat, and never shade any weight away. Existing inside of this body, make me concisely believe that I'm not as good as others.
And I've struggled to lose weight since I realise that. No hope at all. I'm still gaining weight even at this moment.
Second. I wish I could join in them. I wish I could share life with others. I envy those who can hold this meeting. I envy those who are in the volunteer group and standing around to keep the meeting going on well. I envy everyone who is sitting here and looking good and has his/her busy life.
Compared with them, I have accomplished nothing. I'm so scared of getting involved into social where I assume that cheating, planning and bullying comes. I closed myself to avoid getting hurt, but the loneliness is hurting me.
After a happily Bollywood dancing, I feel delighted.
Life is not worthy.
