作者C.S.Lewis是一位作家和语言学家，他对捍卫和阐释基督信仰怀有极大的热忱，创作了许多经典著作。他一生中的大部分时间都是独身，晚年经历了短短几年的婚姻。妻子因病去世后，他将自己深切的悲痛、对基督信仰的质疑、对上帝的呐喊，以及最终与上帝和解与降伏的心路历程，用细腻的笔触记录下来。这本书篇幅虽短，却对失去至亲后所经历的悲伤过程做了极为细腻的描写，包括对信仰产生的质疑、对上帝真实的愤怒和呐喊，以及最后与上帝和解的过程，堪称经典，值得反复品读。
这是我第二次读这本书，第一次是在几年前疫情期间，当时是通过有声书粗略聆听。那次给我留下印象最深的是作者在书中对上帝发出的诚实而愤怒的呐喊。那时，我的信仰还刚刚起步，读到这些内容，既为作者的勇气喝彩，也为上帝的宏大而感叹——他无比包容他那些任性的孩子们。
如今再次阅读，我更加欣赏作者对语言的掌控能力。C.S.Lewis精准地表达了情感，同时清晰地勾勒出自己从悲痛、愤怒、怀疑到最终和解的心灵旅程。
我想，这本书对我们后人最大的意义在于：第一，它全面而精准地表达了失去至亲的悲痛情感，以及对那些陈词滥调式的安慰和教义的“精彩反击“；第二，它展现了作者从质疑上帝的良善属性到最终完全降伏的过程。这种深刻的共鸣让经历类似痛苦的读者感到自己并不孤单，因为作者已经用直白、精准的语言替他们表达了想说的话，释放了想要喊出的呐喊；更重要的是，作者经历这一过程之后对上帝信仰的加固，也给予我们信心。我想这本书从另一个角度展现了上帝的伟大——他不仅不畏惧我们这些“任性孩子”发自内心的呐喊与质疑，反而以无比宽广的胸怀接纳我们，并通过身边的一切（人、自然、我们的身体等）诉说着他对我们的爱。这些都在书中得到了充分体现。
这次读这本书，我反复品味其中许多句子，都爱不释手。按几个主题整理摘录如下，同时也试图梳理一下作者的心路历程。
作者对悲伤“经历”的描写：
本书一开始：
“No one ever told me that grief let so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid”“从来没有人告诉我，悲伤竟如此像恐惧。我并不害怕，但这种感觉就像是害怕。”
“The act of living is different all through.
Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything” “生活的每一个层面都变得不同了。她的缺席就像天空，笼罩着一切。”
“It (my own body) had such a different importance while it was the body of H.’s lover. Now it’s like an empty house” “（我的身体）与还是H.的爱人的时的身体，有着完全不同的重要意义。现在它就像一座空房子。”
“For then (when I am not thinking of H.) ,though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vaguesense of wrongness, of something amiss. Like in those dreams where nothingterrible occurs –nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it atbreakfast-time – but the atmosphere, the taste, the whole thing is deadly. Sowith this…. What’s wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-outlooking?” “因为那时（当我没有想到H.的时候），虽然我已经忘记了原因，但一切都笼罩着一种模糊的错乱感，一种哪里出了问题的不对劲感。就像那些梦境中，没有什么可怕的事情发生——甚至如果你在早餐时讲出来，也听不出有什么特别之处——但整个氛围、感觉、以及整个梦的本质却是致命的。这种感觉也是如此……到底是世界出了什么问题，让它显得如此平淡、破旧、疲惫不堪？”
在书的后半部分，作者写到自己 “过了这道坎儿” 的时候他用到的”截肢病人“的比喻：
“Getting over it so soon? But the words areambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation forappendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is it quite another…. He(the patient whose one leg was cut off) has ‘got over it’. But he will probablyhave recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones;and he will always be a one-legged man. “这么快就‘走出来’了吗？但这些话本身是含糊的。说一个病人在阑尾炎手术后‘康复了’是一回事；而如果他说的是截肢后‘康复了’，那完全是另一回事……他（那个失去一条腿的病人）确实‘康复了’，但他可能一辈子都会在断肢处感到反复的疼痛，也许还会非常剧烈；而且他永远都会是一个只有一条腿的人。”
在书的最后部分
“I thought I could describe (the grief) a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. I it needs not a map but a history…” “我原以为可以把（悲伤）描述成一种状态，为悲伤绘制一幅地图。然而，悲伤并非一种状态，而是一个过程。它需要的不是地图，而是历史……”
“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.““悲伤就像一条漫长的山谷，一条曲折蜿蜒的山谷，每一个转弯处都可能展现出一片完全不同的景色。”
作者对所谓“常识”以及他人安慰他的话的反应：
“Poor C. quotes to me, ‘Donot mourn like those that have no hope.’ It astonishes me, the way we areinvited to apply to ourselves words so obviously addressed to our betters. WhatSt. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better the dead, and the deadbetter than themselves” “可怜的C.对我引用了这句话：‘不要像那些没有盼望的人一样哀悼。’这让我感到震惊，我们把那些显然是对更高尚的人所说的话应用在自己身上。圣保罗的话只能安慰那些爱上帝胜过爱死者，并且爱死者胜过爱自己的人。”
潜台词，“我没有那么高尚啊！
一句合宜的话若在不合适的时机说出，也会变得不合宜。许多时候，当我们试图安慰别人时，或许静静地聆听与陪伴远胜过千言万语。
“They tell me H is happynow, they tell me she is at peace. What makes them so sure of this?” “他们告诉我，H.现在很幸福，他们说她得到了平安。但是什么让他们如此确信呢？
‘Because she is in God’shands.’ But if so, she was in God ‘s hands all the time, and I have seem whatthey did to her here. Do they suddenly become gentler to us the moment we areout of the body? And if so, why?” ‘因为她在上帝的手中。’可如果是这样，她一直都在上帝的手中，而我已经见识过他们在这里对她做了些什么。难道我们一脱离身体，上帝就会对我们变得更加温柔吗？如果是这样，那为什么呢？”
作者对信仰的怀疑，以及承认自己信仰的软弱：
“You never know how muchyou really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter oflife and death to you… Apparently the faith—I thought it faith – which enablesme to pray for the other dead has seemed strong only because I have neverreally cared, not desperately, whether they existed r not. Yet I thought I did”“你永远不知道自己到底有多相信某件事，直到它的真伪成为生死攸关的问题……显然，我以为的信心——让我能够为其他逝者祷告的信心——之所以显得坚定，只是因为我从未真正关心过他们是否真的存在，至少从未绝望地关心过。然而，我以为我关心了。
“What grounds has it givenme for doubting all that I believe?...I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargainedfor. Of course it is different when the things happens to oneself, not toothers, and in reality, not in imagination. …If my house has collapsed at oneblow, that is because it was a house of cards…. If I had really cared, as I thoughtI did, about the sorrows of the world, I should not have been so overwhelmedwhen my own sorrow came. It has been an imaginary faith playing with innocuouscounters labelled ‘Illness’ “ Pain’,‘Death’,and ‘Loneliness.’ I thought I trusted the rope until it mattered to me whetherit would bear me. Now it matters and I find I didn’t. ‘这让我有什么理由怀疑我所相信的一切吗？’……其实我并没有遇到超出预期的事情。当然，当事情发生在自己身上而不是别人身上，并且是在现实中而不是想象中时，感受是完全不同的……如果我的房子一击就塌了，那是因为它本就是一座纸牌屋。如果我真的像自己以为的那样关心世界的痛苦，那么当自己的痛苦来临时，我本不至于被压垮。这是一种虚假的信心，用一些无害的筹码玩弄着，比如‘疾病’、‘痛苦’、‘死亡’和‘孤独’。我以为自己信任这根绳索，直到这根绳索是否能承受我的重量变得至关重要时才发现，我并没有信任它。
“Indeed it’s likely enough that what I shall call, if it happens, a ‘restoration of faith’ will turn out to be only one more house of cards, And I shan’t know whether it is or not until the next blow comes …But there are two questions here. In which sense may it be a house of cards? Because the things I am believing are only a dream, or because I only dream that I believe them?”事实上，如果真的发生所谓‘信仰的恢复’，很可能只是另一座纸牌屋。我也不会知道它到底是不是，直到下一次打击到来……但这里有两个问题。它为何可能是纸牌屋？是因为我所相信的事情只是一场梦，还是因为我只是梦见了自己相信它们？”
作者对上帝的存在,对上帝“善”的质疑和呐喊：
在本书一开始的部分，作者写到：
”Meanwhile, where isGod?... But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain,and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting anddouble bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away.The longer you wait, the more empathic the silence will become. There are nolights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited?”那么，上帝在哪里呢？……可当你在极度需要中走向祂，当一切其他帮助都显得无济于事时，你会发现什么？一扇门在你面前重重地关上，随后听到里面上锁和反锁的声音。接着，便是沉默。你只能转身离开。你等得越久，那沉默就越加无情。窗户里没有任何光亮，那里像是一座空屋。它曾经有人居住过吗？”
“Not that I am (I think)in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming tobelieve such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘Sothere’s no God after all, but ‘So this is what God’s really like” “并不是说我（我想）有很大的危险会停止相信上帝。真正的危险是我会开始相信一些关于祂的可怕观念。我所恐惧的结论并不是‘原来根本没有上帝’，而是‘原来这才是上帝的真面目’。”
“I am more afraid that we are reallyrats in a trap. Or, worse still, rats in a laboratory. Someone said, I believe,‘God always geometrizes.' Supposing the truth were 'God always vivisects'? Whatreason have we, except our own desperate wishes, to believe that God is, by anystandard we can conceive, ‘good’? Doesn’t all the prima facie evidence suggestexactly the opposite?” “我更害怕的是，我们其实只是陷阱中的老鼠，或者更糟的是，实验室里的老鼠。有人曾说过（我记得）‘上帝总是用几何来创造。’假如真相是‘上帝总是用活体解剖’呢？除了我们内心绝望的愿望，还有什么理由让我们相信上帝按照任何我们能理解的标准是‘良善’的？难道所有表面的证据不正好相反吗？”
在作者写完上面之后的第二天 他写道：
“I wrote that last night It was a yellrather than a thought. ” “我昨晚写下了这些话，那是一声声呐喊，而非想法。”
作者并非无病呻吟，他对自己这种悲伤与愤怒状态的诚实表述和剖析
“…I was happy before I ever met H. …Peopleget over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen tothis voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes asudden jab or red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant inthe mouth of a furnace. On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos.Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least cleanand honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasureof indulging it – that disgusts me. “……在遇见H.之前，我本来是幸福的……人们总能从这些事情中走出来。来吧，我不会那么糟的。这种声音让人羞于倾听，但它似乎在短暂的、片刻中似乎说得有理。然而，随之而来的，是一阵突然刺痛或炽热的回忆，让这些‘常识’瞬间像蚂蚁掉进火炉中一样消失无踪。随之反弹的是眼泪与伤感，矫情的眼泪。我几乎更偏爱那些时刻的痛苦。这至少是纯粹且真实的。而那种沉浸在自怜中的沐浴，那种可憎的、黏腻甜腻的放纵快感，却让我感到厌恶。
“Are these (the writing ofthese words)jottings morbid? I once read the sentence ‘I lay awake all nightwith toothache, thinking about toothache and about lying awake’ That’s true tolife Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection:the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about thefact you suffer”. ‘这些记录（写下的这些话）是病态的吗？我曾读过这样一句话：‘我整夜因牙痛无法入睡，想着牙痛，想着失眠。’这是真实的。每一种痛苦都有它的影子或映射：不仅仅是痛苦本身，还有你必须不断思考自己正在受苦这一事实的痛苦。”
“For the first time I havelooked back and read these notes. They appall me” “我第一次回头读这些笔记，真让我感到震惊。”
未完待续...
推荐指数5/5
